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Am I being duped?


brokenomg

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My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We met at my current job; at the time we hit it off immediately. He was engaged at the time so I thought I had no chance... He breaks up with his ex-fiance and then we proceeded with our relationship. He told me that his ex cheated on him, had a spending problem, would go away for weeks on end, didn't work, relied financially on him and their families, withheld sex for months on end and just about every other non-monogamous thing you can think of. He made comments about whenever they went anywhere they would have to stop somewhere or go back home because she would have to use the bathroom and other mini annoyances like that... You would think that if all this was done to you; you'd want nothing to do with that person right? I guess that isn't the case... He keeps in contact with his ex meanwhile he tells me that he wants nothing to do with her. He says he doesn't like doing certain things or going certain places but secretly loves them because he posts about it all day. Everything is always about him we always do what HE wants to do. He's kinda frugal as well... He's working and has a good family so it's not like he's broke. He's the type that has super expensive taste but doesn't want to spend money on necessities (household items) or trips. I've been the one paying for everything...

 

My prior relationships weren't the best so I voiced what my expectations were and hoped to achieve... I put it out there from day 1 that I'm not into video games. I said that everything in moderation is fine... He agreed and said that he only plays maybe once every 6 months. Fast forward to now; I feel like I've been duped. He's on Reddit all day everyday, he's checking his phone literally every 30 seconds, plays video games for hours on end and sometimes all weekend. Whenever we go somewhere he has to run and use the bathroom (it's just ironic because he supposedly claimed that his ex had to do the same thing).

 

I know that everyone will put their best foot forward to try and impress someone but lie about everything you do that just seems a bit much... Certain things are just sticking out and I'm not sure if I'm just nitpicking or if I have a valid point? I'm just a little confused and not sure if this is what I signed up for.

 

Any advice is appreciated

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I think you have the right to feel duped. Trying to impress someone and straight up lying about how you actually are are two different things.

 

Me personally, I would end the relationship. He lied to you about how he actually is, lies about not want anything do with the ex but still keeps contact with her, makes you pay for everything, and you arent allowed to do things that you like? That isnt a relationship. A relationship is built on 50/50 mutal respect and honesty. There isnt any in this senerio.

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He may have duped you in the beginning of your year and a half relationship but you know the real him now and you're no longer being duped but actually volunteering to be in this life with him.

 

Have you told him that you feel he did the bait and switch on you? Does he know that he is committing several of what would be considered your deal breakers? If you have, what has he done to remedy (if anything).

 

I always say that you have to talk to your partner and give them a chance to remedy. If after that they don't value you enough to fix what is causing the emotional disconnect between the two of you then you should just leave and let him be someone else's problem.

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He sounds... immature.

 

Excessively talking about your ex is a flag in my book anyway... badmouthing them to the extreme and then exhibiting the very traits you complained about in them.... another couple of red flags.

 

If it were me, I'd confront him... and probably move on.

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I've told him just the other night that I feel I've been duped. I gave specific examples... His response is: "But I love you...". There has been a slight improvement with the video games; instead of it being 3 hours it's only a half hour. Reddit on the other hand will never be "resolved"... it's like he's addicted to it.

 

He is immature for his age; he's 32. I'm 29... not a huge age difference but the maturity factor is definitely visible.

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Your huge red flag was him badmouthing his ex to the extreme that he did. Think about it - what does that say about him and his issues that he stayed with her? He clearly has issues. You are now aware just how big they are. Time to make a decision - do you put up with it or walk? Personally, I'd walk, but I'm not you. You need to come to that conclusion yourself. He is 32. He is a grown adult man, which means that what you see is what you get. He is not going to grow up and change at this point. You can hope for that from a 16 year old, but not from a 32 year old. So is this how you envision your perfect relationship? You decide.

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