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Flipped out on a dude....


freeindeed

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We've been friends/acquaintances for a few years and began getting closer a few months ago. Last week he asked me out for the first time, so I thought he might be interested in me. We had an amazing talk, but didn't talk about him and I in a relationship, so decided that perhaps he didn't like me in that way, which was fine. Then he asked me to help him paint his kitchen, so I did, and again it felt like we were a couple. That night he told me I was amazing. I was flattered, but still no talk of relationship, so back to thinking it's a "just friends" situation.

 

But then on Tuesday of that same week he asked me to dinner again. In our years of being acquainted with each other he had never asked me out like this, so I assumed he must like me. But again, no talk of any kind of relationship, so I was starting to get confused. He then asked me to go clothes' shopping with him, and I did. It definitely felt like we were a couple, but again, no other indicators other than slight touching at random moments from him. Maybe I read into those touches, but there were several!Thursday, I got a text from a mutual friend (one that he has claimed that he dislikes because she is "promiscuous" and "not attractive" according to him), saying that he had just ran into him at a coffee shop. She saw him sitting alone and asked to join him, understandably he said yes.

 

She kept going on and on about him. And I felt a little weird about it all, to be honest. On Friday, he mentioned the run-in, and said "she's crazy!"...apparently she had been texting him nonstop since then. He asked me how to get her to stop, and I said to be honest with her if he's not interested in her.On Saturday, I got a text from her asking more questions about him and it was a barrage of texts, so I told her that I don't think he's interested in her (based on what he had told me), and she responded that she thinks I'm wrong because they ran into each other again and they flirted the whole time and he was doing the "touching" thing with her. I didn't reply to that. On Sunday, he asked to hang out again, so we did... and once again he began ripping her apart. So I HAD to bring up what she had mentioned to me about the flirting. He claimed that he was a nice guy. Okay.

 

The very next day, last monday, I got another barrage of texts from this girl, and I didn't know what to say, so I just answered her inquisitive questions about my guy friend, but apparently they had been flirting via text back and forth. I told my guy friend that he has the "go ahead" on this girl, she seems very interested, and once again he claimed that he didn't like her. The day after that another set of texts and I tell her that if he's interested he'll show her, and at this point I'm tired of being their middle woman. She then texts me that they had met up and he was again flirting with her. So I told her to stop texting me and told my guy friend that he needs to stop leading her on. He says fine.

 

The next day I get a text about them hanging out again... while I'm in front of my guy friend, and I just flipped out. I told him that if he's interested in her, great, but if he's not, he should tell her and get her off my back. I told him I don't want to be in the middle of their relationship, and it sucks to be in this position and that I don't want the friendship.That was 3 days ago and we have not spoken since. Was I completely out of line? I was just so frustrated and felt like I was caught in the middle, and I also started to have feelings for this guy, and I thought he had feelings for me, but I was obviously wrong. In a way, since things weren't going anywhere, I almost think it's best that this happened so I wouldn't have gotten physically involved with this guy... but it just sucks.

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On Friday, he mentioned the run-in, and said "she's crazy!"...apparently she had been texting him nonstop since then.

 

but it just sucks.

 

It seems like she showed interest in your friend where you did not. Sometimes you can reciprocate the touching and flirting with guys and see where it goes. He probably liked you but because you hadn't let it known that you were into him, he probably didn't have the courage to seal the deal with you. Also, even if he wasn't attracted you would have basically never known either way because you didn't put yourself out there; this girl on the other hand did and it turns out that he returned the feeling.

 

Only thing left to do is give yourself some time and space from these people and allow yourself to invest your energy in other endeavors.

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It seems like she showed interest in your friend where you did not. Sometimes you can reciprocate the touching and flirting with guys and see where it goes. He probably liked you but because you hadn't let it known that you were into him, he probably didn't have the courage to seal the deal with you. Also, even if he wasn't attracted you would have basically never known either way because you didn't put yourself out there; this girl on the other hand did and it turns out that he returned the feeling.

 

Only thing left to do is give yourself some time and space from these people and allow yourself to invest your energy in other endeavors.

 

There were actually a few times where there was mutual flirtation and a few times that I touched his face. I feel like I did reciprocate, I just didn't want to go in for the kill (kiss or something) if I was wrong. I think you're right, I definitely want some space and time from both of these people. And I feel like my guy friend hasn't reached out to me, and I'm wondering if it's because he's upset because I flipped out, or because he could see my frustration and wants to give me space? What do you think?

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Do you have proof of their interactions, or is it just hearsay from the girl? Did you ever actually see any of these flirtatious texts she mentions? When they met, was it by chance or arranged?

 

I haven't seen their interactions, per se, and he said that all the meetings were by chance (they do live in the same area), but when I flipped out, he never said that the flirtation between them never happened. But then again, I was the one doing all the talking... I was just so annoyed and frustrated.

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No, I think you were right to get out of the middle of it. And if he was as uninterested as he claims then why did he keep being "nice" to her in his words and answering her texts? You had already told him to be honest with her and he didn't do that and instead ran her down behind her back to you. That put you a) in a very awkward position of being the middle man instead of just handling his interactions with both her and you like a real man should and b) shows a side of him that I think you should take note of--he's able to freely speak badly of someone behind their back, but can't be honest to their face. That shows you this guy isn't exactly the most honest. It makes me wonder what he said about you to her.

 

I think he was sort of toying with the idea of having you both on the line, going back and forth convincing each of you he didn't like the other so each of you would think you had a chance. And when you confronted him on it he felt guilty, but instead of owning his own behavior and taking responsibility for it he blew up at you. And yes, his behavior would confuse me, but as you've seen he can put on enough of an act to make a woman think he's interested when he is saying terrible things about them instead.

 

You don't need someone like this in your life. I'd let the friendship die and bow out of whatever weird drama he seems to like having. And tell your female friend she needs to talk to him directly, you aren't going to be in the middle any longer. And then refuse to talk about it or even end things with her as well. People like this will just drag you down into their weird games.

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instead of owning his own behavior and taking responsibility for it he blew up at you

 

I don't see where the OP said anything about the guy flipping out as she did.

 

That said, personally I think everyone in this triangle is acting badly.

 

As Paulette said, the guy is being wimpy and gossipy - not exactly being a man here.

 

The other girl is throwing her flirtations in the OP's face... but may be making all of it up!

 

And the OP should have stopped responding & reacting to the girl a long time ago, and definitely shouldn't have blown up in front of the guy when she's not even sure if she's getting the whole story.

 

I don't know what can be salvaged here, especially when the OP doesn't even know if the guy likes her as more than a friend anyway.

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I think he was sort of toying with the idea of having you both on the line, going back and forth convincing each of you he didn't like the other so each of you would think you had a chance.

 

I had this thought for a second, and it hurt deeply, but it's likely. When the girl came into the picture, he admitted that he hadn't had this much attention in a loooooong time. But I don't want to excuse that kind of behavior because I then imagine that if he and I were in a relationship and someone showed him a lot attention, that he'd give in to it.

 

I'm sad at the possibility of it, but a bit relieved to have seen his "true colors".

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I don't see where the OP said anything about the guy flipping out as she did.

 

That said, personally I think everyone in this triangle is acting badly.

 

As Paulette said, the guy is being wimpy and gossipy - not exactly being a man here.

 

The other girl is throwing her flirtations in the OP's face... but may be making all of it up!

 

And the OP should have stopped responding & reacting to the girl a long time ago, and definitely shouldn't have blown up in front of the guy when she's not even sure if she's getting the whole story.

 

I don't know what can be salvaged here, especially when the OP doesn't even know if the guy likes her as more than a friend anyway.

 

You're right, I probably should have stopped responding at the very beginning but this girl is a bit of terror, she literally won't stop texting until she gets a response, and some of the stuff she was texting was "interesting" to a point because it revealed a side of my guy friend that i didn't think existed. I know that what she said could have been hearsay, but when I flipped out, we actually sat in silence for about 5 minutes before we left the coffee shop, in which he had ample opportunity to explain any situation could have been misconstrued as false, and he didn't do so... so he left me to assume what she said was true.

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Going quiet is a defense mechanism us as guys use a lot, dont know why but for me personally it works. He might have been quiet because you said the truth or maybe because he did not want to argue etc. They say never assume so never assume because ive seen quite a few instances where things go bad because people just assume. Being quiet doesnt mean a yes or a no.

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Going quiet is a defense mechanism us as guys use a lot, dont know why but for me personally it works. He might have been quiet because you said the truth or maybe because he did not want to argue etc. They say never assume so never assume because ive seen quite a few instances where things go bad because people just assume. Being quiet doesnt mean a yes or a no.

 

 

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I feel like if I've accused of something, I would immediately try to clear my name. But he is a bit quiet sometimes, and perhaps he was going into defensive quiet mode. So, if I am wrong, and he just stayed quiet because he didn't want to argue. Is there a possibility to salvage this friendship, or did I put the nail in the coffin

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I'd let the friendship die and bow out of whatever weird drama he seems to like having. And tell your female friend she needs to talk to him directly, you aren't going to be in the middle any longer. And then refuse to talk about it or even end things with her as well. People like this will just drag you down into their weird games.

 

This is what I would do.

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Either way, you have learnt a great deal about this person before getting too far in:

 

- he is two faced

- he loves attention from other women

- he will always go for the women who is available and ready, rather than the women he actually likes

- he will wait to be pursued, and will never pursue himself.

 

Add these fine traits to a relationship and you have a lot of insecurity, not enough reassurance and potentially even a cheater. Good escape, in my opinion

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The next day I get a text about them hanging out again... while I'm in front of my guy friend, and I just flipped out. I told him that if he's interested in her, great, but if he's not, he should tell her and get her off my back. I told him I don't want to be in the middle of their relationship, and it sucks to be in this position and that I don't want the friendship. That was 3 days ago and we have not spoken since. Was I completely out of line? (

 

I think you were out of line.

 

I don't understand why you got in the middle in the first place. All you had to o in the beginning was to say you don't want to get into it/talk about it with both of them. And you should have clarified with him on the second hang out if these were dates. So if he was just hangin out with you as a friend, you could re-calibrate your expectations.

 

Stay out of drama, don't add more, and communicate your feelings proactively.

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Why have you never come right out and ask him if he wants to be with you romantically? Especially since this crazy twit is blowing up your phone with her stupid texts?

 

I think that he was showing you interest and you were blowing him off with indifference. He showed interest in the crazy twit and she caught the clue, almost in the extreme.

 

You need to download the app "Privacy Star" to keep her from texting/calling you. I'd have blocked her number the first time she asked questions that she had no business asking you.

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Good for you that you brought up his bs lies. The guy is full of caca. Maybe he liked you and went for the more aggressive one, many us are guilty of that. Where he went wrong was using white lies to keep you in the running, the guy is two-faced and full of crap.

 

Also, dont go believing you did something wrong. You just revealed repealed d his is a liar, consider that a bullet dodged.

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Why have you never come right out and ask him if he wants to be with you romantically? Especially since this crazy twit is blowing up your phone with her stupid texts?

 

I think that he was showing you interest and you were blowing him off with indifference.

 

I thought the same thing. The guy might be the type to need the perfect setup to make a move if he's unsure. With the easy, annoying friend he's free to act how he wants because he doesn't even think her and he are good long-term. It's a lot of pressure for some dudes.

 

If you had an interest in this guy before your promiscuous friend gets her claws in him then you best speak up soon.

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Just to clarify, I tried the best I could to show him interest, but gently touching his face, playfully flirting with him, and when we hugged I feel like I'm the one that held on longer I just can not be more aggressive than that, it's not in my nature, and I don't want to change because I feel that there's a more aggressive threat (our mutual friend). It would seem fake.

 

I do agree that maybe I should have spoken up and asked, but I've never felt a moment that felt right to do that. When we hang out, time flies! And I just figured I would be patient with him.

 

Still no contact. He admitted to me, privately, that he suffers from depression, I'm one of two people he has told. I'm wondering if this is affecting him. I feel badly, but I have also learned from experience to not press a man when he might be thinking. My father was this way, he also suffered from depression, and we all just laid low and it seemed to work better than trying to get him to speak to us when he was going through an episode.

 

I just don't know what to do. I literally have this numbness in my chest over this... for so many different reasons. I don't know whether to hate him, or hate myself.

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Are you still hoping for a relationship or something out of this? Because I don't know many men who would want to go out with a woman who flipped out at them ... "justified" or not.

 

No reason to hate anyone. Just step away from those two completely.

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If you can't open your mouth and ask him a direct question, then be prepared to be left behind while crazy twit gets with him.

 

You can find the time. You're making excuses to not look out for your own interests and instead, putting that heavy lifting off onto him.

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I understand that it's nice and cozy in your comfort zone. That's why it's called a comfort zone.

 

I have been told a lot of Zigler-like things over my life and one of the few that has stuck with me is the following: Successful people are successful because they do things that unsuccessful people are unwilling to do.

 

If you're not having success in your love life then you may want to step out of your comfort zone and do those things that others aren't willing to do. It seems to have worked for your friend.

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Has it really been successful for her though? lol. He has never invited her to dinner or coffee (trust me, she'd text me a few messages about it if he did). He also calls her crazy and a psychopath.... again, not the type of "success" I want.

 

My original post wasn't a question asking how I can get this guy instead of that girl getting him. I'm not going to be someone else and act fake just to get a guy to like me. "Achieving a successful relationship" doesn't necessitate "getting uncomfortable". Do people really think that? I'm sorry, but if I'm going to think of spending the rest of my life with someone, I'm not going to spend it with someone who wants me to be uncomfortable to please him. And I'm 100% sure that if I would've come on here and my problem was that I was aggressive and asked him where the relationship was going, even though it was going at a very relaxed pace, that I would be accused of rushing him into a decision.

 

My post was regarding whether my flipping out was out of line and also to inquire about what his thoughts might be right now.

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And with regard to your flipping out I said it was inappropriate because you have the ability to speak about the concerns calmly and firmly. I also said most guys would probably lose romantic interest after that.

 

Others have suggested what you did was ok but also suggested this guy is not worth hanging around.

 

So I guess the flip out is ok if you do not want to be close friends or date ... otherwise not so much.

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Either way, you have learnt a great deal about this person before getting too far in:

 

- he is two faced

- he loves attention from other women

- he will always go for the women who is available and ready, rather than the women he actually likes

- he will wait to be pursued, and will never pursue himself.

 

Add these fine traits to a relationship and you have a lot of insecurity, not enough reassurance and potentially even a cheater. Good escape, in my opinion

 

I think you were out of line.

 

I don't understand why you got in the middle in the first place. All you had to o in the beginning was to say you don't want to get into it/talk about it with both of them. And you should have clarified with him on the second hang out if these were dates. So if he was just hangin out with you as a friend, you could re-calibrate your expectations.

 

Stay out of drama, don't add more, and communicate your feelings proactively.

 

 

I agree with both of these posts. The guy sounds shady and I'm willing to bet his plan was to string both of you along. The reason the other girl was texting you so much was because she was in the same situation as you. She probably found out about your hang outs with him and she was getting suspicious. He was probably pulling the same "I don't like her, she's crazy!" line to the other girl about you.

 

But also, you should have spoken up or stepped out of the middle in the first place. There is too much back and forth here, it sounds like high school.

 

I think your best bet is to stop talking to both of them. They're not worth your time and they just want the drama. You can do better (in a boyfriend and a friend).

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This guy sounds, quite frankly like a wimp who has no spine. If he's telling you that your 'friend' is 'crazy' etc.....what the heck is he telling her about you?? Likely the same thing. That's how gossipy, passive aggressive people work.

 

I would cut your losses....sounds like a train wreck in the making!!

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