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Hi All,


I'm here mainly to vent and perhaps gain some insight from other people in similar situation/situations. I'm pretty certain I'm a codependent.


I just got out of a friendship with a friend I worked with for 2 years. I have had feelings for this friend and still do, so this is hard for me to deal with.


For two years, my intuition has more or less screamed for my attention and I completely neglected it. The beginning of the friendship was a bit strange. As soon as I saw her, I fell in complete lust. She's the type of girl who get's attention from guys ALL the time and she tends to use it to her advantage. Because I was so attracted to her, I immediately befriended her at work. I would definitely flirt with her and she absolutely would play along. Obviously, this didn't help my case because she's straight and I'm a lesbian. But, before I came out to her, she acted as if she knew I was into her. She would tease me, touch my ass, and we would be very suggestive in our talks. However, there was a limit on her end. And of course that left me very frustrated.


After I came out to her, her behavior didn't really change. She still would tease me and flirt but then talk about guys. Tell me how she's attracted to certain female celebrities. I struggled with this but told myself I should create distance.


Every time I would distance myself, I could feel her pull. She would be overly nice, bring me snacks, do/say anything to keep me back into the loop. We found ourselves fighting constantly about little things. I felt like I was in a relationship.


At certain points, I would tell her that we needed boundaries. She would often send me naked pictures of women to get a reaction out of me or tell me about a friend of hers who she thinks is bisexual (who she knows I'm attracted to), and say things that would get me aroused/interested in regards to her friend. I would enforce the the boundaries but then renege because well, she had control over me... and I would like talking to her about sexual things because it would turn me on but of course there were limits. Each time I would re-enforce the boundaries, in turned into a fight. She would tell me things like..."this is my humor" "I'm like this with everyone" "You don't know to take a joke" "I guess I now know I have to be casual with you." So of course, being codependent, I felt guilty about speaking my mind about my boundaries.


This would go on for months. Although, our friendship was toxic.......it got stronger. We would confide in one another. I was there for her when she broke up with her boyfriend and when her mother passed away. She was there for me whenever I needed to express myself about anything. We had a special bond. We called each other, "bro." We talked about the fact that we didn't call anyone, "bro" in the same context that we used for each other. The word was for us. I've never had a deep connection with someone I wasn't romantically involved with.


On News Year Eve, she was out with a guy who liked her, yet after midnight, we were texting each other. I was djing at a house party, and she kept telling me how great I am as a DJ and how very proud she is of me. We were texting back and forth until about 2am. It was very confusing.


Despite the closeness, I wasn't getting what I needed. The relationship was doing more harm than good for me. I wanted more from her and she couldn't give it.


A few days after Valentine's Day she told me she got me a valentine's day gift. Again, very confusing to me, so I snapped.. None of my other close girlfriends exchanged v-day gifts. But, I guess that's what made our friendship unique. I told her we needed to talk and that I thought we needed to change our interaction because it's confusing to me. I also told her that sometimes I feel like based off of our interaction it makes it seem like there's some interest on her behalf.


I've been wanting to say this for months but was too scared because I didn't know how she would react.


Then all hell broke loose.


She called me narcissistic, told me to get over myself, and said our friendship had been a lie because I thought that she had a crush on me. She said she didn't think we could ever be close again, and that I don't know how to have female friends and that she gave all of her close friend's valentine days gifts. I tried to calm her down but she wasn't having it. I told her that I would gladly move on from this and that I was mistaken for assuming the wrong thing. She told me she was tired of having "boundary" talks and tired of me trying to change her. She said, "YOU DID THIS." She blamed me for the argument.This happened two weeks ago and we haven't really talked since.


I should have known from the beginning to not continue the friendship between us. She never respected my boundaries. And that's a flaw that all codependents have. Not being able to establish boundaries firmly. I'm mad at myself for wanting to subconsciously salvage the friendship, even though I can't change her. I'm so hurt that she blamed me for being honest about my feelings. I just feel lost.


Anyone have a similar experience?



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I don't think this means you're codependent, you just had a very strong interest in someone and got a little bit closer than you even wanted to. It happens to the best of us. She sounds extremely manipulative and was definitely trying to keep you around for the attention. Basically you could have held up a mirror to her when she was ranting at you and it'd all be correct. Best to just do your best to move forward and learn from it. Best of luck!

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