Interesting Situation - Any chance?

[boxabloke]

So I started seeing this girl last year, we hit it off very well although I had to head abroad a couple of days after the first date.

We spoke for hours everyday whilst overseas, things went well and I returned after a few weeks, however, on the trip I indicated to her that I was in a different part of the world when I was not (reason for this was legit and she said she was over it after I wrote and explained the whole thing). She also introduced me to her friend after I got back and told me she had told her friends about the lie and we got to a stage of joking about it.

 

When I got back we had a some great dates but then things started to change. I was really into her and gave her a few gifts here and there, but I also made a few mistakes, was on the phone for business at the start of one date, was 15mins late for another (even though she said take your time) but anyway that is the extent of my wrongs. With her, she indicated that she was very hurt from a past rel but that was two years ago (cheated on). She said that she felt like she was treating me the same as her Ex but was working on those issues herself. She felt stressed at work and wanted time to work through her issues (her mom even commented that she was not being nice to her) and she wanted time to preserve things with me.

 

We then went on a few more dates some good some strange and her seeming disinterested (not talking limited affection). She said she felt like I make things out more than they are that she has not totally got over the lie thing. Then not long ago she comes out with, "maybe we should date other people, your the first guy I have seen in two years" etc. "I don't want to hurt you, you are an amazing guy but I need time to work through these issues" then on another phone call "you need to forget about me" "You should go and date other people but yes that would make me sad". So then I say well are the issues me and the lie or the ex issues and she says she doesn't know/combination. Then I say well once you're healed wouldn't I be the first person you call and she said I would be and she said that she has not stopped liking me when we text the other day. She says her friends have said you are so lucky to meet a guy like him etc (not sure what that means). She also said it was not the best start to a rel, that she felt I was slightly full on and that she never really got a chance to like me properly as I was very clear about my feelings towards her (and now looking back it was full on from the start, she was just getting to know me).

 

So now I am at a loss of what to do. I never go hard after girls but finally did with one I really liked and I get burnt. Do I go NC? What is the best approach from here? We really have not gone more than two days NC on phone (stopped in person 14 days ago or so). I want this girl back more than anything in this world, well, less than fixing my own issues which I am doing with help and things are improving quickly. Look, I get the lie is an issue, there was a reason and she said it is something that was not the biggest thing in the world but did bring back the thoughts and behaviors re her ex.

 

She has listed things she wants to change in her own life, that she has career things she wants to achieve and that she needs time to heal. Things on the last few dates were not great chemistry wise and that was a combination of above (told was too affectionate). Can it ever get back to what is was when I first came back?

 

Cheers

[jphcbpa]

she is not ready. do not take it personal. best to go NC for now and date some other women.

 

also possible the ex came back into the picture?

[boxabloke]

Ex moved far away and started a new life after cheating on her.

[chr8st8na]

i read it quickly but any way u slice it, she's not ready to date.

 

& yes you did wrong by lying and don't justify lying ever to someone you like. Just own up to it and don't put any BUTS in it. Say you will be better next time and you won't ever lie to her again.

[boxabloke]

Ok, but how does "maybe we should date other people" work with the she is not ready to date theory...

[boxabloke]

Bump - any advice would be appreciated...

[sugarbeet]

Have been this girl before. Stop worrying about/thinking about "the lie." It's not the issue. and the more you talk about it the more it just creates an issue out of nothing. Her issues here are her own and the only way she can work them out is for her to work them out... So when I was in this state (getting over a BIG break up- meeting guys i was interested in, but not really able to get past the "interested" stage) I had one guy navigate the waters successfully and we ended up having a lovely relationship for 1 year+ which ended then on it's own merits. There was another guy who was interested, but PUSHED for committment and we stopped seeing each other and I haven't seen him since... I totally respect this, just at the time didn't have the emotional capacity for what he wanted. I still think about him and wonder if we had taken it slower what if...

 

Anyway, what the one guy did which worked for me, was just be totally honest about his feelings, but NEVER pushed me for what i was unable to do. And kept asking me out, even when I cancelled because I was "having a bad day"- which he knew meant I was thinking about the ex. Now, my ex and I were TOTALLY done at this point. But I was still processing. The new guy asked me out about once a week. We always had a GREAT time. It wasn't too heavy. Just fun. And I wasn't ready for anything physical-- so he didn't push that either. For like 4 months we did this. I found out later he was seeing someone else too. Which was fine. I couldn't commit at the time and he knew that.

 

He was very kind, complimentary, and sweet, but not over the top. He made me feel like he want to spend time with me, but not that he needed too. At some point, maybe 3 months in, he said he really liked me and was hoping we might be able to spend a little more time together. I was hesitant, but said ok. We started seeing each other like twice a week then. A few weeks later he invited me on an annual week long camping trip with he and his friends that was important to him. On that trip I decided to let my guard down, get physical with him and enjoy myself. When we got back we officially became a couple. I have since then been so grateful for his patience. Without it I don't know how I would have gotten over my ex-- though I'm sure I would have. I went on to fall for this guy deeply, but we split because our lives went different directions (opposite coasts of the US) and we weren't ready for that.

 

Anyway, that's my 2 cents. I don't think this guy was in pain while "waiting" for me. He was very secure and kept his own life full. That really allowed me the time I needed to come around without feeling pressure. Hard to do, but in the right circumstance, possible.

[boxabloke]

Thanks for the response. The question is though, where to from here? We are at 1 week NC. Sure I was full on a bit, talk about never before meeting someone like her etc a few gifts etc, she said for me to go easy and I did to an extent but yeah she ended it. What is the best approach from here?

[boxabloke]

Bump just for clarity purposes.

[sharky988]

I read your post and it sounds to me that she's just not that into you.

 

Whether it's because she's not ready for a relationship with anyone.... or because of how things developed between you in the beginning.... does it matter? The end result is the same. She's just not feeling it for you.

 

I can't speak for everyone, but I know for me, when that switch gets flipped off it's practically impossible to re-ignite interest in someone.

 

Lying is a real turnoff and it's a pretty clear red flag in the beginning of a relationship. Learn from this experience and don't make the same mistake again.

[boxabloke]

She introduced me to friends after the breach of trust and mentioned a few times that it was not a big deal. She has stated she needs to time to sort out her issues, how much time? I don't want to move on and regret it later.