SO Threatened By My Male-Friends & An Ultimatium.

[Keys13]

Let me start this off by saying that I am in no way bad-mouthing my SO in this situation, I am merely seeking to understand what is going on and what, if anything, I can do about it. If this post is too long, I apologize. I just want my situation to remain clear.

 

Let me also lay down some ground information: My SO and I are 24 and 25, respectfully. We both have been through our fair share of “puppy love” relationships and know the difference between what we have experienced in the past, and what we are currently going through now. We have been together for over a year now. He is a police academy graduate, looking for work, and I am a student of forensics working for the state. We have full time jobs, pay our bills, hang out with friends, and are – in general – a normal, happy couple.

 

Now, when I say that we are generally happy, I mean that our day-to-day lives are generally good. However, since I met him I have cut many ties with the majority of my male friends with the understanding that it made my SO uncomfortable when I would hang out with them. Did I like having to do this? No. Not at all. I am ex-military, and the majority of my friends are male; so please understand where I am coming from when I say that cutting ties with my male friends left me dreadfully lonely and upset. I moved forward.

 

Recently, some of my male military friends have reached out, and we have begun speaking to each other again. I cannot describe the sense of relief and happiness I have experienced re-connecting with these people. BUT (there’s always a but), my SO doesn’t approve of my interactions with them. He feels that we all flirt too much and hang out too much and are “too close for his liking.” Let me clarify something, I do not flirt with my military mates. We are all closer than family, and we can all talk about and with each other in overly familiar ways without it having anything to do with sex. None of us are sexually interested in one another, and it never entered our minds that anything we did was construed this way, because we are family.

 

My SO and I had a long conversation about how none of them were a threat to the relationship that we have, that I wasn’t interested in them, that they weren’t interested in me (other than being close friends and mates), and that there wasn’t anything going on. Which is true. Nothing is going on between me and my mates. We all used to hang out, have coffee, watch movies, go hiking, etc. We always did things in groups and never did anything questionable. From where I stand, I haven’t done anything to even give my SO a reason to feel threatened by my friends.

 

On the flip side, my SO constantly talks about the women that hit on him and give him their numbers and dance with him at the club where he works security. He talks about his past, all of his past women and deeds and relations. I have told him several times before that I don’t care for his stories – since he told me not to talk about my past. “As far as I’m concerned,” he says. “You have never been with anyone else.” So it comes as a small surprise to me that he would be threatened by some friends of mine, not from my past, but from my present. I don’t prevent him from hanging out with his women friends – why should he limit my interactions when he has no basis for any imaginary infelidty he thinks will happen?

 

I’m not willing to completely cut all ties with my friends again, since I don’t see why I should have to sequester myself to hanging out with only him and his friends. That’s not healthy. I need friends too. I need people that I can relate to, people that I can vent to, people that want nothing more from me than a listening ear and unjudgmental air.

 

So, my question to those of you out there who will take the time to read my post is this: What is going on with my SO? Is this a matter of jealousy or immaturity? Is this a red-flag, or just merely a bump in the road?

 

Honestly, I have no idea where he is coming from. I could understand that he would be uncomfortable with me hanging out with ex-boyfriends or ex-lovers or ex-anything – but that is simply not the case here. I feel like he is making me choose between my friends and family that have been there long before I met him – and Him. It doesn’t feel right.

[mhowe]

It is jealousy, immaturity --- and projection.

 

He is projecting what he would do/is doing with women on what you are (are in fact NOT) doing with men.

 

It doesn't feel right for a reason. It is wrong.

Big red flag.

[Ms Darcy]

On the flip side, my SO constantly talks about the women that hit on him and give him their numbers and dance with him at the club where he works security. He talks about his past, all of his past women and deeds and relations. I have told him several times before that I don’t care for his stories – since he told me not to talk about my past. “As far as I’m concerned,” he says. “You have never been with anyone else.” So it comes as a small surprise to me that he would be threatened by some friends of mine, not from my past, but from my present. I don’t prevent him from hanging out with his women friends – why should he limit my interactions when he has no basis for any imaginary infelidty he thinks will happen?

 

I think potential cheaters are more jealous because they fear you will do what they are doing. You have someone who is very likely to cheat given this behavior ... being at clubs, past promiscuity, getting girls numbers, bragging. Not good at all.

[Glowguy]

Yeah it's a red flag. It's good that you are taking on a stand on it now because you should never have to cut ties with friends to appease your SO. He could be especially insecure about it because someone has cheated on him the past or he could be projecting because he has done so in the past. It could be any number of things. From your post it doesn't seem like there is any valid reason for him to be doubting you so my guess is that he has some past issues that he has not worked out. Do you try to involve him when you hang out with your friends? If one of your friends were to cross the line would you act appropriately and cut things off? Those are things that you may want to discuss with him. He might just need some reassurance but if his behavior continues to escalate then you might be better off looking for someone else.

[Keys13]

Ms. Darcy ~

Thank you for responding. While I would never characterize my SO as a "potential cheater," I can see where you're coming from. Also, just for clarification - he does not fish for girl's numbers, but is merely recieving them on a daily basis. His attendance at a club is not something he can control, as he works there as security/bouncer. I cannot be mad at him for being found in that scene, as it is his primary income. Though, you're right about the "bragging." It is rather annoying.

[Keys13]

Glowguy ~

Thank you for replying. I have invited my SO on numerous occassions to spend time with, and be introducted to, my friends. Without fail, he is either too busy with work, or already has plans. To answer your question about a friend crossing the line; absolutely! My male friends know that I am in a relationship, and if one of them were to act in an unbecoming manner and make a pass at me, I wouldn't stand for it. If any of them did that, they wouldn't just be ruining our friendship but the entire dynamic that our group revolves around. It's unthinkable.

[pl3asehelp]

One thing that stands out to me is how you incorrectly speak for he state of mind of your male friends. Though you may not feel anything beyond friendship for them, you can never know how they feel. It is routine for a guy to pretend to be a woman's friend because he is scared of being honest and expressing romantic interest in her. There's a thread today where a guy was laying in wait like this for 13 years.

 

You say you don't flirt, which is great, but what exactly is the 'overly familiar' you're talking about? Boundaries between opposite sex friends are paramount if you want relationships to work out.

[Ms Darcy]

In my experience, committed men don't take other women's numbers.

[Keys13]

mhowe ~

Thank you for your reply. If this is, indeed, a red-flag, do you have any suggestions as to how something like this can be worked on or possibly fixed? My SO is worth my efforts to try and work on things if there is a viable option for me. If he is projecting what he is doing with women, then should I not project what I am doing with my friends? I have always been open and honest about where I am and who I am with - as I see no reason to lie or "give my version of the truth," but should I just not bring up that I am hanging out with my friends? I'm not sure that would even be a good idea. To me, that feels like lieing.

[Keys13]

In my experience, committed men don't take other women's numbers.

 

Is it still considered "taking them" if you dont do anything with them? I have never been threatened by the scraps of paper that I find when doing laundry, simply becasue he never acts on any of the numbers he recieves. Am I being naieve?

[Keys13]

One thing that stands out to me is how you incorrectly speak for he state of mind of your male friends. Though you may not feel anything beyond friendship for them, you can never know how they feel. It is routine for a guy to pretend to be a woman's friend because he is scared of being honest and expressing romantic interest in her. You say you don't flirt, which is great, but what exactly is the 'overly familiar' you're talking about? Boundaries between opposite sex friends are paramount if you want relationships to work out.

 

When I speak of being overly familiar, I simply mean that I could tell you each life story of each of my mates. We all have shared the better portion of 5 years together in our group. We have supported each other in every personal and professional rollercoaster. Also, of the 8 of us, 5 of us are married, and 2 of us are in relationships, while the last is happily single. This is a group of attached men (and women - me) and we are all aware of what we feel for one another. You cannot serve together without grasping the basics of the emotional attachments between mates. When I say that none of us have sexual attractions for one another, I say it with confidence. However, you are right to say that no one can truly know another's state of mind.

[pl3asehelp]

Is it still considered "taking them" if you dont do anything with them? I have never been threatened by the scraps of paper that I find when doing laundry, simply becasue he never acts on any of the numbers he recieves. Am I being naieve?

 

Yeah, guys that aren't interested don't take numbers despite whatever lie they try to tell you. Such as 'I wouldn't leave them around for you to find if there was anything going on' or 'it's rude not to take someone's a number who offers it' or the old service industry workers gem 'it's part of my job'.

[Ms Darcy]

Is it still considered "taking them" if you dont do anything with them? I have never been threatened by the scraps of paper that I find when doing laundry, simply becasue he never acts on any of the numbers he recieves. Am I being naieve?

 

All I am saying is that for some reason women think he is available. It's not jeopardizing his job to refuse to take numbers and tell people he has a gf. But he chooses not to for a reason. That is a red flag.

 

And red flags are serious. They are not things to try to fix. They are things to signal this person is not ready for the type of long-term reationship that you want/need.

[mhowe]

I do not advocate lying...ever.

However I also don't think that you having male friends, especially since you are ex military... they are your friends...and you shouldn't have to have no contact. Make plans...ask him to join you so he can see the dynamic...and if he continually says no...then see them anyway

[Keys13]

Thank you, everyone.

[ParisPaulette]

On the flip side, my SO constantly talks about the women that hit on him and give him their numbers and dance with him at the club where he works security. He talks about his past, all of his past women and deeds and relations. I have told him several times before that I don’t care for his stories – since he told me not to talk about my past. “As far as I’m concerned,” he says. “You have never been with anyone else.” So it comes as a small surprise to me that he would be threatened by some friends of mine, not from my past, but from my present. I don’t prevent him from hanging out with his women friends – why should he limit my interactions when he has no basis for any imaginary infelidty he thinks will happen?

 

Bluntly speaking, your SO is a cheater and he acts the way he does over your male friends, because he thinks that if a man and woman are friendly it always means the guy wants to get in her pants--because that's his mindset and it's what he does and would do.

 

My advice: keep your friends and tell your SO 1950 called and wants it's double-standard misogynist back. Then pack your bags and leave. And yes if you're finding scraps of paper with numbers on them from women and you believe your SO about him never acting on them then you are being incredibly, incredibly naive. Why does he take them in the first place if there's nothing going on? And yes, it is taking them if you're finding them in the pockets of his clothing, hello. Haven't you ever had some guy try to hand you his number? Don't you refuse or toss it in the trash rather than leave it in your clothes where it's going to get found by your SO and cause all sorts of problems? So again, there's my answer. You don't and he shouldn't and wouldn't if he were sincere about it not being anything.

[Keys13]

Wow!! Here I was thinking that I was being mature and level-headed by just respecting what he was doing and not prying. Guess I was wrong. Sheesh. Thanks, ladies and gents. I'll definitely take all of your wonderful advice!

[Kendahke]

The guilty always make the most noise.

[ParisPaulette]

The guilty always make the most noise.

 

Yep, or as my southern belle granny used to say, "The guilty pig usually squeals first."

 

To the OP there is nothing wrong with having male friends, I have some that are very dear to me. And my SO wouldn't even think of telling me I can't, in fact he's considered it a bonus because he likes my male friends too and now has a wider circle of friends for it. Ditto me for his female friends--one of us is one my besties now and I always joke that I love her far, far more than he ever could. Remember: lovers come and go, but true friends will be with you forever if you cherish and keep them.

[CeeLambrini]

It's not prying, there just seems to be a double standard here.

The bond you have with these people and the past you share with them is different to how your boyfriend is treating it.

I understand from his point of view alone that if they have only just reached out, this is a whole new thing to accept in the relationship rather than him accepting it from the beginning and then trying to change it. It has only just been brought to his attention and it is something that would have perhaps been a deal-breaker for him in the beginning, therefore he is letting you know now that he is uncomfortable with it.

I can't say personally, that I would be comfortable for my SO to suddenly have a group of female friends appear from his past and want him to go out and socialise with them. It would be a whole new dynamic for me to accept so I can understand why this may have panicked your boyfriend initially without any introduction or preparation first.

 

However in opposition to this - he is accepting numbers off women constantly, bragging about them, dancing with them, talking about his past - and the problem here isn't that it will make you jealous - but that it is totally disrespectful to a relationship to do any of these things. You may not be bothered or jealous by his actions, and that's fine. But when it comes to cutting off men and not having any contact with people you consider your family - this flirting and dancing with girls (and yes - accepting their number instead of gently letting them down with the truth) is like a smack in the face to the relationship.

It is actually he who is acting inappropriately with the opposite sex and yet you are the one who has to cut all ties with your male friends.

 

Wouldn't it be better if you found someone who actually took your past and your friendships seriously? Like, instead of thinking you are some kind of "smurfette" of the group, that the only reason you are around is to flirt and the only reason they have interest in keeping in contact with you is to flirt back - wouldn't it be nice to be with someone who actually respects you and the people who served alongside you?

[superfan]

His behavior is completely unacceptable.

 

Men and women absolutely CAN be friends without it getting in the way of relationships, it is all about boundaries and it sounds like you have already put those in place and they have been respected by your male friends.

 

They know you are involved and it sounds like your social interactions are primarily group things (not things the could be mistaken for dates). He is choosing not to involve himself or get to know these people - not your problem.

 

You should never ever ever cut someone out of your life at the behest of a partner UNLESS you have given them reason not to trust you (and you haven't).

 

One of my best friends (and his wife) is an ex boyfriend of mine. We broke up for no other reason than we made better friends than anything else. My husband has met and spent time with both of them, and they are very good friends now. He was a little wary at first, but he gave him a chance and can plainly see that there is NOTHING between us.

 

Your SO needs to meet you halfway or I would be gone.

 

Also, I ditto what others said on the phone numbers. HUGE double standard. If I go out with my female friends and a guy tries to hit on me, I tell theream "sorry, I am married". I certainly don't accept their phone number - even if I didn't "intend to call them". There is NO reason he can't do the same "I'm flattered but taken" is all he would have to say.