Jump to content

First contact with my EX in two days!!! need help on dos and dont's


TomMacko

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone!

 

I am meeting my ex in two days. We have been together for almost 4 years before she decided to leave me a little over than two months ago. I was in very bad shape when she left me. We spent a year in a long distance relationship while she was studying abroad. When she got back, everything was great, but I was already burned out from the stress of that year, and juggling work and school at the same time. We moved in together for a while, and she got pregnant, and had a misscarriage. After that things got out of control, we argued a lot, she left me, and I had a nervous breakdown two months ago. I took some time off to finish school, reduce stress, getting therapy. I lost 20 kilogramms, changed my lifestyle, no alcohol, eating right, about to start a new business. So I got myself back in shape as much as I could. From early Febuary, we had no contact for about a month. And last Friday we had a 45 minute long talk. She was very warm, told me all about her life, how she had difficulty with the breakup as well. I accidentaly called her honey, and appoligized saying that it was second nature. She replied it's okay, I can keep trying, and she will try to keep in mind what she wants. At the end of the call, we agreed to meet up for coffee this Wednesday. I really love this girl, and want her back in my life. I haven't called her since, trying to give her the space she needs, and I don't want to seem clingy. I would really really appreciate some good pointers on what I should and shouldn't do to maximize my chances of getting her back.

 

Thank you all for the help!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 76
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Try not to seem too needy.

 

But really, it doesn't matter what you do. If she wants you back, you can't do anything wrong. If she doesn't want you back, you can't do anything right!

 

She ended things, so it's up to her to repair the relationship. IF this is what she wants, she'll do it -- don't worry!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow......sorry you're dealing with this, but I think you're doing everything right so far. Just keep an open mind. Remember...your old relationship is dead. From this point forward, you need to start on doing things differently. That might mean you should not reconcile yet. In fact....you would be better off to insist you NOT get back together, yet. You still have not resolved what broke you up. You're just in pain and wanting it to go away. Your ex is the one who left. Don't give her the power to leave you again. So have a voice in what happens from this point forward.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you both for replying. The big day is tomorrow, I've been so excited about the coffee-date that I was barely even able to get some sleep. I'm just trying to figure out how it can all go and prepare myself for the worst. The worst part is, that I'm not even sure how I'll react when I see her. I love her more than my life, but she left me in a dire sitation, and I've been through hell and back with my breakdown these past few months. I want to be honest to her, but I also want to show her how the experience changed me, and how much I've learned. This might sound a little premature for most of you. But the past two months for me seemed like at least 6 months, in terms of what I learned from my illness, about myself and how I lived before. It was an eye opening experience, and probably I wouldn't have been able to learn from it as much if she would haven't left me... ...that was the extra kick in the stomach that made me realise how fragile everything was around me, and I how I need to strengthen my foundations to build a life. However, I really want to have her by my side in the new life that I am building right now.

 

If any of you have similar experiences, or just good pointers, good ideas to bring up that might stir up her interest for me I would be eternally grateful.

 

Sofar this is my gameplan: 1, look my best, greet her with a gentle hug, smile and try to be cool and confident. 2, be a gentlemen, tell her about things that are getting better

3, tell her as little about the hardships of the past few months as possible. She will ask alot, but I will keep my answers short, as she decided not to be there during this period of time, i guess it's non of her business how i got myself together. also, it's kind of a turnoff 4, if everything is amicable, look her deep in the eyes and give her that "i love you + naughty thoughts" look.

And in general just try to be confident, a little distant, a little naughty and be supportive of the things she says, and AVOID ARGUMENTS.

 

Is there anything here that is completely kamikazee?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you're way over-thinking this. Just relax and be yourself. If she's interested in rekindling, she'll make it clear. You can't play-act your way back into a relationship by doing or saying "the right things"..... she either misses you enough to want to try again, or she doesn't.

 

Your best course of action is to just relax and stop trying to control what happens!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Personally, I don't think you're ready to see her and this may end up going really, really badly. I was in your shoes a few years ago and luckily for me, my ex decided to cancel our meeting. I wasn't emotionally ready (neither was she) and it would have been a complete train wreck if we got together when emotions were still running high. Trust me when I tell you this: You're ONLY ready to see her when you don't have to obsess over the little details and game plan how you should act/feel. It should all come naturally and if it doesn't, the timing isn't right. Life is all about timing my friends and based on your description, I don't think you're ready.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well we did end up meeting, and considering the circumstances I really do think it was a successful coffee date. It was very emotional for both of us, but we managed to talk about a lot of things that were on our chests, and I really did make an impression with how much I changed my lifestyle and far I have come along since my nervous breakdown. I did tell her that I still love her, but considering that I am still working on my health and that I am dealing with a lot of issues to get myself back on track, I can't keep running after her, even though I miss her every minute of every day. Her life doesn't seem to be going that well since the breakup, I kind of had the impression that she really needs the support that I used to give her. nevertheless she still said that after the fact that I had a nervous breakdown, she just can't see how we can continue a life together. After all that, she wrote me an e-mail that same night, asking how I was, and how much relief and energy she felt after seeing me. I think some of my energy kind of rubbed off on her... Since that, we exchanged a few e-mails andm and she said that she would be really happy if we could keep meeting up and having these talks, as it helped her alot. We had a more than an hour long conversation on the phone Friday night. She did say she misses me, and that she would be happy if we could be together, but she thinks we need to put our lives together first. And that she dosen't want me to focus on getting myself together for her, but for myself. We had no contact for 3 days now, and I certainly feel that there is an opportunity here, but I need to give both of us more time. What I don't know, is if I should ask for another coffee or dinner date in a week or so, or if I should just give her a call in a few days to see how things are going, or just let her be for a week or so to let things settle down a bit more. Any advice?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to the friend zone.

 

You need to let this go for now. Really focus on your life -- for yourself -- for REAL, not just to try and impress her.

 

IF she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. You've made it clear how you feel about her. How she feels about you is..... she'd like to keep you on the backburner to hold her hand through this breakup, until she meets someone else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You kind of answered your own question. You need to give it more time. Let her come to you if she wishes. Focus on you and your life for now. And I agree with sharky here, it feels very backburneresqe to me. She's telling you what you want to hear without backing it up with any action. She misses you and would be happy if you could be together? Then why aren't you back together? Or in the process of reconciling? I'm not saying she's not thinking about it, or doesn't have feelings for you, but my ex said things along this line as well and she ended up choosing the other guy, while still throwing breadcrumbs at me. She also said she wants you to get it together for yourself, well keep doing it. Give her the space she wants and get your stuff together. Think about it, if you dont contact her and still continue to work on yourself while shes out of the picture, in my opinion it'll send a bigger "im doing this for me" message.She knows where you stand and knows the door is open for discussion, she has to come to you now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, thank you all for the help, It's very painful, but I also have come to the conclusion, that I just have to go back to and restart NC. It's just a nightmare, we would have had our 4th anniversary this week, and just 4 months ago, I was planning to propose this week, and planning how I was going to support a family. It's just difficult to wrap my head around how someone can change so much in a few months... It's been a long way down the road, and I guess she does need to come to me now, that I have set all my cards down on the table. And in the meanwhile I have to focus on working on myself, for myself. Once again, I just wanted to thank you all for your insight... This forum really helps me alot to get through a difficult time... Cheers to you all!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hi everyone!

 

I just thought I would update this thread instead of starting a new one.... After 3 weeks of silence, she broke NC. She sent me an e-mail saying that she was thinking about me, and counting how long it has been since we talked... And she was wondering how I felt, how I'm doing. She told me to write her back if I feel like it. I miss her terribly, still dreaming of her each night, and missing her. But I feel like I do not have the luxury of putting myself through the emotional roller coaster of maybe yes/maybe no again. I mean, less than 3 months ago I was in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. I turned my life around, got myself in shape, starting to get back on track with my carrer, and finishing my master's thesis... I am craving for her presence each day... But I don't want to be played around with... I do not want to regress to the stage where I was a few months ago... Before I got her e-mail, I told myself not to contact her until I have finished my thesis and settled in at my new place of emloyment... So not for another 6-8 weeks. This way at least she will have the time to figure out her life as well, and she will get a chance to miss me, or move on.

 

My ultimate objective, would be to get in shape, make all the changes that were necessary in my life, and see if we can get back together. But of course I fear that by that time it will be too late and she would have forgotten all about me. I'm terribly sorry guys for all this mumbling, I feel completely helpless. What should I do...? Reply whenever I figure out what to say, ignore her and contact her when I feel strong enough? Or just reply casually in a few words in a day or so and let it go?

 

As always, thank you all for your opinions, your great help!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't reply. And don't get your hopes up that this means anything.

 

This is called a "breadcrumb". Most dumpers send them out once they get wind of the fact that you're not contacting them. They get worried that you're not still there on the backburner as their safety net and Plan B in case they don't meet anyone else..... they start to worry and remember the good times and second-guess themselves..... it happens almost all the time.

 

You know it's a breadcrumb because of what she ISN'T saying: "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together."

 

Everything else? Pffffft. Ignore it.

 

Move on with your life, focus on your work. You'd be smart to block her on email, on all social networking sites, on your phone (but I'm sure you won't do this) so she can't have you right there, at her convenience, anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you Sharky, that was just the encouragement that I needed. Thank you for the that website link too, it was very helpful, I owe you bigtime!

 

I'm not going to reply, deleted the e-mail as well. Well, I deleted her phone number, and blocked/deleted her from all social networking and IM right at the beginning of the break-up. I would give an arm and a leg, to hear those words from her... But I am going to take your advice, and not react unless that's exactly what I hear. It's f***ing tempting to do otherwise, but I can already see where that would take me in my healing, and it what it would do with my value both in her eyes and more importantly my own.

 

Thanks again for encouragement!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I decided to update: unfortunately I did crumble and call her after a few days, and than we were back to square one, exchanging e-mails. I told her I feel that this is pointless, that if either of us goes NC, the other one breaks it in a matter of weeks. She agreed and we decided to meet up again. Its been over a month since we grabbed an emotionally overheated cup of coffe. She said that she is hoping, that we are going to have a constructive talk, she really misses having a deep conversation with me, and probably thats why we keep contacting each other. She also said, that she is afraid of what might happen, if we have a deep conversation, considering that I had a nervous breakdown 3 months ago. She probably wants to get some closure, which I will not be able to give her. It would be really good to see her, and I do think this may be a good start to reconsile, however, I am seriously considering calling it off, because of all the pain she already put me through... I am over the point of being too hopeful, and I'm not sure what this letter could mean. I'm just tired of getting hurt, I still have dreams and nightmares with her every single night.. ...I'm exhausted.. still have to finsih my thesis, and I was able to get a job which is a huge step up my career ladder...

I want her back, but I simply do not have the luxury of getting hurt again. Maybe a cordial hard to get conversation would be the best way to go, let her say if she wants to say something. I thing I said all I got to say... I just feel exhausted from all the hoping, all the dreams, and all the fights I've been through for getting back my health/life the past few months. And still, nothing feels right without her...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just something, else, I forgot to ask you all the question I wanted to ask. I am thinking about asking her, what she really wants to talk about? A: does she miss me and wants to talk about us? or B: does she want closure and settle on good terms? A, I am willing to talk about, and B i will never be able to give her. My problem is, that I am afraid, if I confront her, she will scare off, and never meet, therefore I blow the slight chance of reconciliating the relationship. But I am just sooo not willing to meet to go into option B. So, is it okay, to ask, what the point of the conversation would be for her?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She's using you to get over you. She wants you to hold her hand through this breakup while she looks for her next boyfriend.

 

So..... all your emailing and meeting up only leads to helping HER to move on.... while making it harder for YOU.

 

Go ahead and block her everywhere -- online and off. She doesn't need to be able to reach you so easily. Take yourself off the backburner!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You really need to listen to Sharky and stop talking to your ex. All you are doing is giving her a nice comfy cushion to rest on until she meets someone else. Being at her beck and call, having hour-long phone conversations and meeting for coffee and emotional talks is not attractive. It's what a platonic friend does. What's going on with you right now is something that happens thousands of times on these sites and almost always, the dumpee ends up broken and bruised in a ditch on the side of the road.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I am a very stubborn guy, as you may have realized already. We met up a week ago, and had a very good time together.. talked, laughed and she actually was turned on after a while. Told me she dosen't know what she wants, and she feel guilty for leaving me alone when I had my breakdown. She said that she does have hopes on reconciling from time to time, but she can't imagine getting back together with all this guilt inside of her. She said that she broke up, because she didn't know what else to do after all that has happened, and all the fights we had. She wouldn't admit to not loving me anymore. She is having a bad time, is depressed and is screwing up her studies... so she is having a pretty hard time, or so it seems at least. She said her firends are starting to hate her, because she is so torn, on what to do with me. I have heard similar thoughts from a mutual friend. I had a severe panick episode the other day, I was really afraid that I was going to harm myself, and I had nowhere to go, as my entire family works aborad... she met with me, we talked and we had a few very affectionate moments... nothing happened, but it was far from platonic. Either way, the door was still shut. It sucks to have to deal with this on my own, that's probably the reason why I have such a difficult time to let her go, or give her time to miss me or see what life is like without me. To keep up a cool and attractive facade is like mission impossible, when you need help so much. I met with my doctor, we upped my medication... which helps me control my anxiety but makes it difficult to finish my thesis (makes my brain completely numb). I keep working on myself, therapy is very exhausting, and I am honestly just terrified to start my new job on my own, dealing with all this anxiety that's chocking me 24/7. I'm hoping that my new job is going to give me a big ego boost and will help me focus on my career, and forget about her for a while. I am trying to get past the point of hoping, letting her go, but I still hope that one day maybe she will realize what I meant in her life.... I'm sceptical though, I mean it's been nearly 4 months, she should have been able to sort this out by now... How many 26 year old guys back you all the way through a pregnancy, a misscarriage a long term relationship and a great deal of other things while having their own plates full.... She still haunts me in my dreams, especially this one moment we had 6 weeks prior to the breakup, when she was still pregnant about how we will be always there for eachother... really emotional moment that seemed so pure so true, and kind of flipped all the swiches in my head... you know when a guy decides to man up and be a father, a reliable guy and back her lady no matter what... and then she dissapeares when you're in .... Heck of a one way relationship. Shane, I guess you're completely right... All of you were, I was just hoping, that once we shared such a bond we would be beyond these games. But I guess the game of attraction and power is something that lasts a lifetime... If you guys have any idea on how to get her out of my dreams/nightmares I would be very greatful. Sofar nothing helps. I do sports every day, I'm in top shape, finally actually lean (lost 26kg sofar), I take my medication, in therapy for 3 months now, spending time with firends and I even went on a few dates, even had a one night stand with a girl from my past.. ...and both the dating and the sex just made me want to go back to her even more. In your experience, is there anything else you guys know, that might help me relax my mind and just keep her the heck out of my dreams? I'm exhausted, I haven't had a night of normal, relaxing sleep for 4 months now.... I feel trapped. Thanks everyone for your replies, and even for reading, I just wanted to vent out a bit, and there are so many threads out there that won't follow through... so I just thought i'd update.

 

And a quote which I keep telling myself nowdays: "The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like your ex is still up to the same old-same old..... So sorry to hear she's having a rough time. Poor baby.

 

Melatonin really helps with sleep. Someone here told me about it and it helped me. My son still uses it when he has trouble sleeping.

 

For anxiety, google valerian -- it really helps without making you feel "drugged." Also, in addition to your meds, make sure you're not taking in stimulants like caffeine, nicotine, alcohol. These really contribute to anxiety more than you think.

 

For getting past your breakup..... you already know that the best thing for you is to NOT have contact with her anymore. Other than that, it sounds like you're doing everything right! You just need to give it more time.

 

And remember that all the great moments you shared with your ex, all the dreams and plans you created together, that special feeling of connection -- they're all STILL going to happen for you with someone else -- someone much much better for you. You're just not really ready to be that close to someone else right now! You're not over your ex yet. But you WILL get there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

take it slow bro and be strong, if its meant to be its meant to be, first and foremost...LOVE YOURSELF, be good to yourself, look good, smell good

 

I hope you beat that nervous breakdown, anxiety, nervousness, panic attacks are terrible and hard to beat, but still beatable.

 

Good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi everyone!

 

I just want to keep this thread alive, as there are so many out there that don't follow through... So I have kept NC since last time I saw her. It's been really weird, my nightmares with her have changed into dreams of still being together and not losing the baby. I have been sleeping alot kind of hiding in that false reality for a week, not wanting to wake. (Every single night it's the same - creepy, right?)

 

Therapy is something I really recommend for everyone with anxiety or a nervous breakdown, a breakup (or in my case all of the above ) The last few sessions I have hit some hard walls I've had inside me for as long as I can remember and working on tearing them down... ...it's difficult, but it's one of the reasons (from my side) that the relationship fell apart, and this is something I need to put the effort in for my own personal growth. I feel alot better since I went NC, partially cuz of the breakthrough in therapy, and partially because I was able to hit a major breakthrouh in my career as well. (my old company begged me to come back as manager for our Sales and Marketing team just as I begged my ex to come back to me-lol) This really was the EGO boost that I needed right now. I decided to not beat myself up by forcing my University thesis, I decided I got all the time in the world, the world won't end if I only graduate next semester, and first I need to be kind to myself.

 

I still miss her like crazy, but the events of the past 1-2 weeks helped me to put myself into perspective. I am in the best shape I ever was, with a soaring career and I am working hard to beat my Mental Illnes and grow personally. Hoever cannot appreciate that kind of strength... ...is just an idiot. Anxiety has its ups and downs, but I decided I will not iniate contact until we hit 7 months seperated. If I feel like this now, I hope to be alot stronger then. Not wanting to give a false image, I still want her back, dreaming about her every night. But that will never happen until I achieve a healthy sense of self-worth (and who knows, what I'll want when im there?). And that has to be my priority-for myself. So the plan for the next few months is 1) Mental health 2) Physical fittness 3) Create value through work and in my case poetry -that's the plan

 

Cheers to you all, and thanks for all the support you've given me sofar!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Tom,

 

First of all, let me say that I have read through both of your threads and I am very impressed by your resilience. Not only have you been effectively dealing with getting your life back on track, but at the same time being brave and putting yourself out there with your ex trying to get the relationship to work.

 

You say that she also seems unhappy and depressed, and just can't see how this can work out after everything that happened, that she feels guilty. I am sure she was shaken up by the break up. First of all miscarriage, then series of fights as both of you weren't in a good place individually, followed by her breaking up with you (I am sure it wasn't an easy decision for her) and your nervous breakdown. Both of you went through a lot.

 

At this stage both of you are still hurting and processing negative emotions. When one is depressed, it's really tough to feel those butterflies again that make you excited to be with someone. While I think the two meet ups you had definitely helped you both to get things off your chests and have a discussion, now you need to allow more time to cool down and heal individually.

 

She knows where you stand, and she admitted that she still misses you. So the feelings are still there, but both of you are still holding on to hurt. You have to find the strength to leave the pain at the door, and leave the past where it belongs. Only then you can start afresh.

 

Focus on your life and give yourself time to feel genuinely good inside. And then you won't feel like someone wounded, you will feel whole, happy and able to give again. Then you will be ready to start a new relationship, whether it is with your ex or someone new.

 

Best of luck, you are doing so well!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

.... just when I thought it's going to be NC for a few months ahead.... I don't know if this counts as initiating contact from her side, but she replied to a very old text, which I sent the day we last met... ...I suggested it would be nice to see her again in the upcoming weeks. Last week she replied saying that we should see eachother, and suggested that we meet the next day for coffee. I decided to give her the cold shoulder, as I was a little upset, that it took her so long to respond. I told her that I wasn't available during the weekend. She started to be proactive, trying to find a day that would work for us both. We settled on Wednesday night. I know that there was a formal party at the university that day, that she was going to. (and that I was invited to as well). So I guess that if she decided to spend the evening with me, instead of the party, that could be a good sign, that she is willing to open up and communicate. I'm just growing very tired of recetion. I'm also afraid, that I might meet her, and that she would be dressed up to go to the ball, and just wants to grap a quick drink, make sure I'm still all over her, and go to the party after spending an hour with me.

 

So I prepared the following decision-tree for the date. If I go there and she is dressed up for the party, I'll be all surprised, asking her what she was planning all fancy and stuff. And when I "find out" that she is going to the party, I'll just tell her, that oh okay, actually I was going to go too, but you know what, I'll just suit up myself and let's just grab a dring inside, I wont keep you from your friends... and leave it at that and leave.

 

And in the case that she isn't dressed up and all, and actually did plan to spend however much time with me, I'll have a little surprise picknick in my backpack, and we could talk share a drink and some food on the bank of the river, and just let it go with the flow. I'm going to try to keep it cool, tell her about the successes of the past few weeks, and just let her do the talking. I'm really set on not begging any more to feed her ego. I'll just try to make it like a causal first date with a surprise picknick. Let her see how far I've come and what I can offer. Also, if plan B is actually the case, I will suggest that we could talk more often, or try to set another date around the end of the evening. I know a lot of you suggested I forget her and move on, and I'm pretty sure that's going to be the end of it... but I really felt this was some kind of opening up. As Sharky said, if it's still going to be the "same old, same old" and she was just fishing for some sense of security that I'm still heads over heels for her, it will be time to let this go. I'm just very voulnerable at the moment, and each time she swings a carrot in front of me, it rattles me up way to much. Perhaps she had a change of heart. But way too much sh*t happened the past four months, and I have to keep my own needs in perspective. I'm very exited to see her and all, but I'm just scared of being humiliated or hurt, as there is plenty of things that could go wrong, or be potentially hurtful. But I guess, preparing yourself rationally is an important step in not making an undesirable idiot of yourself, and instead showing the new side of myself... we'll see..

 

As always, I cannot thank you all enough for the support, and if you have any ideas, or signs I might want to look for, or any opinions, I'm always very greatful for your posts!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...