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Help with Where I Am - Going a bit Crazy


thenewme2014

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I'll try to provide my story as briefly as possible...

 

I went on a vacation with a group of friends. The very first day - the very first evening one of the women I didn't know and I became friends and spent the whole evening together...through very late that night. For the rest of the vacation we spent a majority of our time together as friends. What ended up happening is there ended up being a group of two couples and another couple and this woman and I ended hanging out as a second group. There were a few others who just floated between us.

 

It became obvious after about the 3rd or 4th day that I was beginning to get some strong feelings for her. I finally let her know one evening and did it in a very 'stumbling' way. I asked if we could spend some time alone on the trip and she agreed and we had a very 'friendly' lunch. The rest of the trip remained the same. At the end of it, she did order some pro-pictures taken by the resorts photographer, a couple with just her and me in it. We got back to the airport and before she left I told her again how I felt and wanted to see her. She said, 'you have my number'.

 

The next day, Monday, I set-up a date for Saturday (called her). The rest of the week we had a couple of brief texts here and there. That Friday we both attended a party at a friends house and hung out, along with a friend of ours. We had our date the next day - stayed out to 3am. The following day we texted for a couple of hours. The following day we talked on the phone for four hours. I setup a date for the following Friday. We went out and again were out to 3:30am. The next day I had my kids (separated for about a year..will divorce on the 366th day) and she went out with the couple we spent time with on the trip. That evening they were planning all these activities we were going to do as a group. She asked if I would go dancing with them the next day. I got a sitter and we did go out. That evening we stayed at our friends house. They went to bed and we chatted a bit more and FINALLY had a real kiss (before that - first date was a quick lip kiss, second was cheek kiss..though I think I may have missed her sign for more). Didn't hit me too much until the next day. We slept separately too.

 

I suggested setting up a birthday dinner for her and our friends. She said - go for it. Which will be this week.

 

The following day I missed her and texted her for dinner that night (monday) - she couldn't make it..but said that wednesday would work. I had the kids on Wednesday so I asked for a raincheck. She agreed. Next day ended up being slow so I asked again and she said she was busy with work (which she is) - she suggested the following week. I let it go. The next day we chatted via text again. We got on the subject of dinner the following week and she again picked days when I had the kids.

 

I know she was worried that me having kids would affect a relationship with her (she told a friend that) - so that's been bugging me. Our friend said I'd absolutely make time for her (which I would - and already had when I had the kids). I finally told her that my schedule is challenging with the kids, but I really like her and I would do what I can to make things work - but sometimes, with the kids, it would be tough. I didn't want to chase her away. She said with her work..schedules can be challenging too and that she preferred dating on the weekend...but we'd make this work to get to keep knowing each other. Previously she had said that kids didn't 'scare' her.

 

The following day I sent her flowers for her birthday (day before..she was going out of town). I got a call thanking me and we chatted for 1/2 hour. She had been out of town from Friday until last evening. At some point - I send her a text and we usually send a few back and forth.

 

She's very tough to read. Even our mutual 'female' friend who talks to her about 'us' says she is hard to read but gets the sense she is interested. A couple of others have gotten the same sense. Her career is very important to her and she really hasn't dated for the last couple of years and I don't think was looking for a relationship. So, that adds to the ambiguity of things. She is strong minded and our friend says if she isn't interested...she'd tell me. There isn't anything sexual right now - and I don't care. I think she's the kind where that comes down the road..really not a priority. But there has been a little snuggling and touching, very tame.

 

So why the concern - reading it, it all seems good. Several reasons. First, if I don't initiate contact with her - I won't hear from her. That was true except for when I sent flowers and one other occasion. Secondly, her texts to me are brief. She sometimes doesn't respond for a very long time (though she may respond to our friends..when I'm with them..to their text but not mine) or we are having a text conversation and she drops it in the middle of the conversation and never follows up. I guess, reading this, that's all i have to say that's negative. So I'm not sure why I'm doubting things.

 

I guess, because I feel about her in ways I may have only felt about one other woman in my life - that was back in college (I'm in my 40's now). Things with her seem natural and more positive than I've felt with anyone. I think part of it is I can't believe I"m this lucky. Part of it is knowing she really wasn't looking for a relationship and I'm fighting that battle. Part of it might be lack of confidence in what I'm offering (though I do have a lot of confidence typically in myself). maybe I fear the kids and our schedule challenges are affecting things. And think a lot of it is that it's been a week since I've seen her and it will be another 4 days before I see her again. I almost feel like out of sight out of mind and she's losing interest (though she hasn't given me any indication). I can't find anything negative about her - except maybe she doesn't express her feelings well.

 

It boils down to her lack of communicating to me concerns me. If I'm honest - we aren't a 'couple' and so she doesn't owe me that and if we are only still getting to know each other, maybe she doesn't feel like communication when we aren't together matters. Or maybe her interest is minimal..

 

I'm crazy about her...I'm taking this VERY slow because she's worth it. Maybe I don't have as many doubts as I think on how things going - but I need an outlet for this missing her and support to say 'yeah, things are going well." I am very honest and know that, even if she enjoys my company, she's not nearly as crazy about me. I try to give her space - text or occasionally (I want to call..but don't want to bug her). It's not as if we are 'dating' (or are we?), it's not a relationship. So I don't want to be overbearing. Maybe I'm being too passive.

 

A guy friend who knows us (but has his own relationship issues) - thinks part of her 'aloof' nature is she is scared - who knows what her past history is. I never understood being scared in relationships (or of me) - so tough for me to understand.

 

Advice, encouragement, honest asssessment? Sorry - it was long. But I've got pent up energy and lack of focus right now. I'm living my life..but the downtimes are driving me nuts. I won't hear from her unless I contact her - I don't want to keep bugging her. Not playing games, just want to show her I can be a gentleman, be patient (I told her when I expressed my feelings I was willing to go as slow as she wanted).

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Honest assessment is that she is a busy woman who is probably fairly rational and doesn't fall into instant relationships. You are dating, you are not in a relationship. Dating means doing exactly what is happening - spending some time with each other getting to know each and evaluating if there might be more there. As you spend time either you start growing ccloser together or not. As for texting, maybe ask her what her texting preferences actually are. Personally, I despise them. If you want to talk, call me. I don't want to waste an hour of my time texting. Texting is for confirming plans/location/running late kind of stuff. Everyone is a little different in their texting habits. Also, early on most women will not reach out to you, only respond. So nothing surprising in that department.

 

I think you need to chill a little and that's all.

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You have only known each other for a short period of time. I wondered why your feelings were so turbo charged and you are anxious about this new situation. Then you said you are still married and planning to divorce. My advice is to stop dating and focus on getting the divorce. When you are dating while still married, you start to easily attach to new people. You are going through a loss and very likely to jump into a new relationship at this time. Take time and process the break up. Get divorced. Chill out.

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Sounds like she's taking it slow and maybe your mutual friends are right but then again, they're MUTUAL friends so they dont want to say anything bad that can cause hurt feelings. I am not saying don't listen to your friends, but I am saying maybe you should not get your mutual friends involve.

 

Also if someone wasn't interested, they would not suggest another date or ask for your schedule. There are clueless people out there who don't know how to date, but someone who is clearly asking for an alternate date is someone who knows how to date effectively.

 

You text her a lot- how about texting her when is a good time for you to call her??

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Ms. Darcy, respecfully - but your assessment of the divorce is incorrect. We have been separated for nearly a year and have signed a final separation agreement. If we were in most other states, we'd be divorced. But here, they make you wait a year. I think a year is sufficient time. Honestly, I've never had anything to get over in this marriage. It was a bad one that had been rotting for a long time, I dealt with my emotions years ago. We stayed for the kids - but even that became a bad reason.

 

As for 'super-charged' - I don't know. I've been asking myself that. I've dated since the separation. But none have made me feel like this. There is another woman who, at one point, we both had a mutual interest..and we were openly flirting - until I met this one. So, I'm more interested in the one that I have to fight for - vs the one I think I could be dating (and had interest in) much more easily. Do I want relationship? yes. But I wasn't 'looking' on this trip and quite frankly went away expecting that I'd continue to 'dance' with this other woman when I got back (and I get the impression she's still interested. But really smitten here with the one I'm hung up on).

 

And Christina - you are right...thought about doing that today, in fact. Or maybe just calling her Snow has shut everything down. As for our mutual friends - it's hard for them not to be involved. We've become a pretty clicky little unit. But I realize that they don't want to hurt me - and so I do take what they say with a grain of salt.

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No matter the reason, I find your "I'm crazy about her" odd but she doesn't seem all that interested. Perhaps you are more interested in this one than the other one in part BECAUSE she's not that interested.

 

By the way, stop talking to friends about her. They don't really know what is going on in her head and can potentially cause some drama.

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I think she is 'pacing' the relationship....for various reasons...the number one being that you ARE still married. Being separated is STILL married. I think she is smart for doing this. Also, she's a woman, and many women still believe the guy should do most of the pursuing in the early stages of dating. It sounds like she likes you, and encourages you to pursue her. So just relax. The slower..the better.

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You could be right about everything. Except - I don't think for one second I'm interested in her because she's not interested. First, if I only wanted a relationship - I'd go for the other one. Second, that's not me..playing the game with the hard to get one. I'd rather not pine for someone and I'm not that egotistical that I'm shocked someone doesn't like me and I'm going to go for the challenge. Rather have the easy route. Oh and I have chased anyone where things cooled off or was rejected. She's unique in that way.

 

Unfortunately - your other points are very valid. I'm just trying to assess them in the context of what I know. Not sure what to make out of it - but there is at least some disappointment in them for possibly being correct.

 

I'm not going to apologize for being 'crazy' about someone, though. I've dated a few women since the divorce and rebound period or not...I've haven't gone crazy about any and had a very healthy, 'if she's not interested, she's not interested and I'm not going to get spun up or chase her." It's actually why I trust my 'crazy about her' feelings - because there were others that I could have felt that way..and didn't.

 

As for the friends..I typically leave them out of it. Occasionally bring it up, but they've asked for advice on their relationships so it's been a bit back and forth.

 

But yes...darcy..you point out the obvious point and the obvious point on why I have doubt and trying to get insight. I think it's too easy to simply say she's not interested - that would be ignoring the contrary facts (for instance - why did she continue to say she wanted to go out, when I gave her the opportunity to end the dating last week or trying to reschedule our dinner or a kiss that is only a week old). But there is something there...and trying to understand it.

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JA - typically that's the advice I've been given..relax. She's interested. And as for slow...I'm absolutely fine with it. I consider a forum and outlet for that energy..rather than scaring her off by bugging her constantly for reassurance or her interest level. Darcy brings up some valid points - but it's hard to ignore an opinion you'd prefer to agree with. That's my problem..I think I'm hard on myself and won't trust the good...only the bad.

 

The funny thing is - I have a ton of self confidence, particularly right now...except when it comes to her

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Look, there is nothing wrong with the pace here. However you are trying to push on the gas hard. The whole asking her for dinner on Wed., being told honestly that she is busy with work and then contacting her again asking the same - that's really clingy desperate kind of behavior on your part. She already told you that she can't. She offered alternative dates and times - that's interest in seeing you again. You really need to relax. If what gets you is the chase, you are bound to wind up in one bad relationship after another. So relax, take this easy. The right pace can feel very wrong if you are inclined toward intensity. The good news is that you can learn and adjust.

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Dancing - I don't enjoy the chase. I can absolutely guarantee you that. The one resolution I made after the separation was that I would *never* enter into a relationship again unless it all seemed right, I don't want a bad relationship.

 

"The right pace can feel very wrong if you are inclined toward intensity." - Great advice. I'm not inclined for intensity - I could take one date every week...ever other week as long as it takes to get to know her. I'm a very impatient person (not from the standpoint of wanting what I want..when I want it. But I'm afraid that time affects things negatively..not just relationships.). So I feel a gap of two weeks (even though it's based on schedules and not desire) - leads to a lack of interest. Again, she hasn't given me any vocal reasons to think that. The truth is pretty much every day since last week when we kissed - there hasn't been much of a chance for us to get together. And other than today (because the world is closed for snow) - we really won't have matching schedules until her birthday dinner I'm planning for the group on Friday.

 

And Dancing - I presume your advice for today is just leave her alone. I was considering calling to BS with her later. But - again, I don't want to be clingly. She knows my interest..maybe a good test for me is just to not contact her today and relax and show her I'm not clingy

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No, what I meant is that if you feel like calling to chat in the evening, do so. However, if you were told in advance that she will be busy that night, then hold off. Also, if you call and she tells you that she can't talk, busy, then take it at face value. Reach out another day and give her space to deal with whatever or reach out to you later if she is not too exhausted. That's being attentive without being clingy and also respectful of someone's time.

 

Clingy is when someone tells you they have a meeting at 6pm and you start calling or texting them at 6:30 - are you done? Are you free to talk now?

Clingy is when someone tells that they are busy or in the middle of something and half an hour later you are texting them again "are you done yet, are you free?"

Clingy is when someone tells you that they are working on a huge presentation that they have to do first thing in the morning and you call them to chat and expect them to spend a good half hour on you. However, a quick text in the morning of "go get them. good luck" is cute and thoughtful. Shows you are thinking of them without being intrusive. Call later in the evening to see how things went.

Obviously doesn't have to be exact wording/situations but you get my point with the difference between clingy and thoughtful.

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Fortunately...I follow all those rules..I give those rules a WIDE berth. If she's busy I don't wait until 6:31 to call..most likely..I won't the rest of the night. I will, however, send her that morning text or end of evening 'how did work go'.

 

I'm scared to appear clingly..yeah, the dinner thing could have been construed like that...but other than that...nah. Too careful.

 

Ironically, out of the blue..she just texted me...and pretty interesting conversation. So, perhaps I over think things...

 

..and after I wasn't going to bug her today...maybe I don't give her a chance...

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