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Is it really over?


ifandonly

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How do you know when a relationship is meant to be?

 

Me and my boyfriend of four years are the make up-breakup type. We always seem to find a way back to each other though. Our break ups are usually due to jealousy and a lot of fighting and petty arguing (mostly my fault) but has been minimized a lot since the last break up. He is always the one to call it off and start it up. I have always had an issue of blowing up at my boyfriend due to other stresses in my life and taking my anger out on him but that has also been minimized a lot (aka we argue like once or twice a month). We just broke up for that very reason and now he is saying he doesn't want to be part of this cycle anymore and wants to let go completely and not have to deal with arguing for the rest of college. He won't talk to me properly at all or give me any benefit of doubt. I feel that we are both still young and immature and this is why these problems keep reoccurring. He always tends to leave when I'm at my worst and need him the most to understand what I'm going through and I hate that about our relationship. Before this break up we both knew we wanted to end up together but now I'm scared I may have completely ruined everything. What should I do?

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There's nothing you can do. If he's decided it's over...it's over. Frankly, I think he's right to finish it. 4 years of make up-breakup is a LONG time. Maybe you just aren't meant to be together..have you thought of that? You're both still very young to continue a dysfunctional relationship.

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This reminds me of the way things were with my ex best friend (female), so I totally understand where your boyfriend is coming from.

My ex best friend was so much fun to go out with, we were always hanging out or if not, chatting on the phone. Unfortunately she has some mental issues that came out to light a year after we became friends, she imagines things, she is very jealous bordering psycho, so about a year into us being friends she started a cycle of ending our friendship for silly reasons, not talking to me for a few months, then coming back. I took her back 3 times within 3-4 years, because I really liked her, except for those instances of course. The 4th time she freaked out again for no reason, I'd had it. Even though I would have liked to have her in my life, I knew I couldn't handle yet another round of this. The cycle wore me out and I just gave up, like your boyfriend did. It's only so long one can ride a rollercoaster.

 

There is nothing you can do at this point. He is fed up and doesn't trust that if he takes you back, things will be different. Why would he? His knows you pretty well by now and knows this is you, and that nothing will change, things would be better for a while until you revert to the way you truly are.

 

It's just incompatibility, nothing else. The friend I told you about has another friend whom she's known for 10 years now, and she's doing the same cycle with him too. But I guess they are compatible, because he comes back to her over and over again. Me on the other hand, gave up after 3 times, and there is nothing she could do to make me be friends with her again. The trust is gone.

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There's nothing you can do. If he's decided it's over...it's over. Frankly, I think he's right to finish it. 4 years of make up-breakup is a LONG time. Maybe you just aren't meant to be together..have you thought of that? You're both still very young to continue a dysfunctional relationship.

 

I feel like breaking up is his escape though. Like when it gets hard he doesn't want to deal with the issues because we are still young. Does that still mean it can't work out in the future when we are older? And I feel like I'm slowly changing into a different person. It's just taking time.

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I don't know if the trust is actually gone though. Like he even said himself, I just don't want to deal with this now when I'm young. And I've also realized that fact too that I need to grow up and become a person and figure myself out before I date a guy. Will it always be this bad?

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For a while my boyfriend and I would fight over stupid things, mainly my insecurity and pestering him. We never actually broke up but he would get to a point in the argument where he just didn't want to deal with it, as he'd gone through the same argument with me time and time before - so he'd say "I can't do this again, I don't think I could be with you like this." Which would be my cue to get my head straight and come back down to earth.

 

This period of time taught me a lesson on how to be in a relationship. I was being very selfish starting all of these tiffs and then reeling on them. And I wouldn't leave him alone. It was a very "me , me, me" type of behavior and I didn't realize it until finally I saw the light that if it did continue he would leave, straight up.

 

I did some self searching and have learned to be calmer and not so anxious or insecure. It sounds like you have a similar behavior to what mine was. You need to straighten up. Get control of what you say and think; before you blurt out some insecurity or issue think hard about it. you have to Choose your battles. If this guy is worth it to you, then get yourself together. This will continue to circle the drain if you don't take a step back and realize your part in it.

 

Because I was able to think things through and realize how my behavior was affecting our relationship, and I was able to alter the way I went about 'discussing' things with my BF, our relationship is the strongest it's ever been. More in love with each other every day because we are able to communicate better.

 

Sometimes you have to learn. You seem young -- this is a good lesson to learn now.

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