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I Just found out that my neighbor is my ex!


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I recently moved in to a new flat to start my new life getting over with my ex-fiance. I felt freedom and i am so happy. Moving in, decorating the flat, buying furnitures and stuff keeps me occupied. Spending quality time with my daughter. What a huge relief. My burden is lifted and I feel so light. The place is a 20min drive from where my ex is living but I feel so distant from him like I am a thousand miles away from him.

 

Last night I was getting out of the car taking my daughter and the groceries when my next door neighbor opened his gate. It didn't really bother me because i was busy minding my daughter and the bags of groceries. as i walk to the gate, the guy and I crossed path and I saw him from the corner of my eye. I was like "wow he is tall and of good physique and good looking..." Suddenly my mind recalled a familliar face. Now behind me, I turned to look at him and our eyes met as he also glanced at me. I was like "OMG" in my mind. I smiled at him and he smiled back while he was putting stuff in his car. I walked straight though my gate and went inside my flat (still smilling). For a moment, as i closed the door behind me, my knees got weak and sat on the floor sinking in the surreal moment. My daughter asked me if i was ok, i just told her to go to her room to get change. He was the guy I fell in love with. I was head-over-heels i should say. He was the sweetest guy ever. But it was just because he was working away and also the kind of job he has in an oil drilling company that made us agree to end our relationship. We were together for 2 years. It was one of my painful break ups. It took over a year for me to forget him. It happened around 6 years ago. After the break up, I saw him again about 2 years later. He was already married and already have a baby. We became good friends but i think we feel mutual about each other. I think he still likes me and I also felt the same. But last night was strange. I can't explain how i felt when i saw him again for the first time after about 4 years. I felt like a teenager seeing her crush. Like my feelings for him before are coming back. I don't really know how to explain it. this is the first time and i never felt it with my other exes. I think I would go back to him again if he wasn't married. But yeh that's complicated. I was fine with the new place and moving on stuff, until yesterday. It is not a comfortable feeling. I have to get away from him but I just moved in.

 

My life is complicated.

 

What should I do?

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From what I can tell this is not the ex-fiancee but another ex correct? It's simple, you treat him the way you would any other neighbor. You smile and nod hello and you stay out of his life and his business period, in the same way you hopefully would with anyone who is married and has a baby. He's off limits, so any time you find yourself focusing on him do the mental trick of imagining his wife and baby instead and him with them happy as a family. And while you're at it get to know them and pass by them and smile and be courteous to them. It's harder to imagine something with their husband and father if you like them and can see they're real people, not someone who he may or may not be happy with. Chances are pretty good though that he's very happy with them and it should stay that way. And you need to find someone who is available to be happy with, not him.

 

Regardless of what you imagine the guy does or doesn't feel for you he's an ex and he married someone else. He has an obligation to his family and you have one to yours, so that's that. If you don't think you can stay honest and not do something foolish like starting something with him or letting him start something with you--then you need to move. And I say this, because you're carrying on about a man who is married with a young child. And it's not really okay, you just got out of one bad relationship situation, there is zero reason to start another. Keep your distance, don't become buddy-buddy with him or move. If he wants to chat you up or "go have coffee" then you politely decline and keep going. You don't owe him an explanation, just be too busy and keep your distance since you know there's a danger there. You don't have any other choices.

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You keep on living like you planned, getting over your ex, taking good care of yourself and your daughter.

He is your ex, he has family. You broke up because there was a reason for it and it wasn't a bad break-up, and you had a fiance after him, so I guess you got over him once already.

Brace yourself and go on with your life. I have no idea why would you consider moving again after seeing your EX from years ago. Its not like he was a stalker)

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Yeh he is another ex. Sorry if i didn't make it clear. It's simple to say but hard to do. I never felt the same way before so I am so overwhelemed with confussion. You have a point there. I was battling with myself on what i should do when he is around. I want to stay away if possible. I can't see him. If there is one thing I hate, it is the married people cheating. I guess because of my background, my mum cheated on my dad had a kid from someone else, they got back together and dad cheated my mum and it went on for 13 years. i have a f***d up childhood. That is why i will terribly hate myself if I will fall again for this guy. I just paid for my new flat and I really like it here. A big pain in the bum to find another place especially I am alone and only with my daughter. Also i just don't assume that he likes me. When we met 2 years after my break up with him, we met accidentally at the beach. I was by myself watching the sunset when also of all the places he can go, he was there sat about just a metre from me. We found each other and spoke. He told me he still have feelings for me but he was already married and with a baby. He told me that he would come back to me if he wasn't married. We spent an hour chatting and he offered me a lift home. I could see a hint of a question of "what could've been" on his face while he was trying to reach my hand when i left. So i know i wasn't just fantisizing that he likes me. Somehow of course I am telling myself not to believe it anymore because that was almost 4 years. And I should not believe in it at all. It is probably gone now. So I don't know. I really don't know what to do. I know what is right and what is wrong. I know your advice is right and you have a point bu I am so confused right now.

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He told me he still have feelings for me but he was already married and with a baby. He told me that he would come back to me if he wasn't married. We spent an hour chatting and he offered me a lift home. I could see a hint of a question of "what could've been" on his face while he was trying to reach my hand when i left.

 

These are red flags. He was being extremely disrespectful and hurtful to his wife and young child and you, by laying all this at your feet. And then offering you a ride home and trying to hold your hand--those were all signals that he was trying to take things from just talking to more physical aspects and that's not acceptable. Like I said smile, but if he tries to "talk" again tell him he needs to keep his feelings to himself, because as a married father he's out of line trying to "confess" anything to you. Tell him to go tell it to his wife and leave you alone or you will do it for him.

 

Sorry, you need to put this guy in his place and realize if he's that willing to cheat on his wife then this is someone who in the future may well do the same to you. He had two years before he met his wife when he could have come and sought you out if he were that in love with you. My guess is he was finding married life to be more work than he thought and he sort of was hoping to find an outlet for that, but he was being pretty selfish about that outlet. Do yourself a huge favor and the minute a married guy, any married guy or anyone in a relationship of any sort even hits on you or tries to talk about how they have feelings for you or their wife doesn't understand them etc. etc. bare your fangs, shut them down hard and freeze them out. You may not feel like doing that, but anything else is only going to result in you being pursued and used by a married man.

 

Simply put a decent guy would've kept his mouth shut and his thoughts to himself, not laid it at your feet to try and make you think of them in a boy/girl fashion. Avoid this one big time and tell him to leave you alone if you have to. You don't have to move, but you do have maintain your own integrity and boundaries and you may just as well do that with this guy as any since yeah, unfortunately there will always be men and women who pull this kind of crap. And unfortunately they usually are the ones who are attractive and charming since that's part of the picture. I'm sorry, but I don't think his words were sincere and even if they were it's still incredibly selfish and disrespectful of both you and his wife and both your kids for him to have said that to you.

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I agree with others on this subject. You may still feel like you have feelings for him, but you know what you have to do. You need to do NOTHING. He is married and has a child!

 

Ignore him as much as possible and pretend is nothing but your neighbour - you have no history with them man. Make your awkward hello's and such if you see him coming in or out of the house but only if he acknowledges you first... Don't go out of your way to make connection with him.

 

If this is to hard, I would suggest moving again. I know moving is a pain in the butt but the last thing you want to do is get yourself is a messy situation especially after just coming out of one.

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Thanks for all your advices. You are all right. I saw him again last night. He was in his car in front of his flat. I didn't look at him. I completely ignored him. I think I can do this. I was weighing the situation in my head last night. I am trying to forget all the good thingd about him and about how we were long time ago. I am convincing myself not to do something i would regret again.

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*popcorn* this is going to get good.

 

congrats on your new place. yes, keep focused on healing and your daughter. those are you priorities.

 

Yeh thanks. It is not easy though. Like while you are cooking in your kitchen, you are aware that behind those walls is your ex. I keep distracting myself as possible. I don't stay a lot in my new place now. I always go out after work with my daughter. I recently started a crafty project to keep my mind occupied until i get over my confusing feelings for him.

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