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Feeling unwanted by GF, burnt out on draining relationship


almostover

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Hi everyone,

 

I'm late 20s and have been seeing a woman two years older for the last six months. I really like her. We are different in a lot of ways, but all of those differences (except one) actually makes the relationship stronger. And that one difference is tearing us apart.

 

She can be very rigid at times, while I'm fairly flexible. When she gets rigid, she gets self-centered, and I feel totally ignored. She will focus 100% on her needs and mine seem to disappear completely in her mind. I'm the kind of guy who is always thinking of others, so this is problematic. I give and she takes and everything has to be according to her rules (and she dreams up a lot of them when she's this way). Then suddenly, it's all better.

 

Two examples:

 

1) I stayed over Friday night at her place, and because she drank way too much, she couldn't get up in time for a meeting with friends in the early afternoon. I pushed her again and again to get up but kept being treated like a snooze button. She finally got up and insisted that she HAD to have her coffee. Since her delaying had ruined any chance of getting breakfast, she also HAD to have a bagel from the store. Well, that detour caused us to miss our train to our event, meaning that we didn't get there in time to get tickets, and then my friends showed up and we had no tickets for them. She apologized profusely and said that I had every right to be mad. I stayed calm and just told her (nicely) that she needed to prioritize things better and remember to think about other people's schedules and be respectful that they are counting on us. But this is a pattern. She will not budge on her coffee needs even when she's put us already behind schedule. Then she's apologetic. She's Miss Independent one minute and then soooooooo fragile that she can't survive without coffee the next.

 

2) I had a recent family problem and she knew I wasn't feeling great about it. So on Saturday, after I've been extremely forgiving about her ruining the ticket plans, she tells me that she can't stay the night at my place because she's tired (she is always a shade of tired). She has lots of trouble sleeping next to anyone and restricted our cuddling to Friday and Saturday, but lately because she does job search work on weekends, it's gone down to one weekend night. Turns out that we won't have to work tomorrow, and she also turned down my cuddle request for tonight. She would rather be alone and get a good night's sleep than be with me, which is at least half understandable. But she's very dismissive of my need to cuddle with someone more than four nights a month. She's type A and the idea of just saying "hey, come over and snuggle up -- work's canceled!" is beyond impossible to imagine.

 

I'm alone tonight while all of my friends are with their significant others, living up a surprise snow day. I'm burnt out and tired of feeling ignored. I have a number of ladies who would stay the night, but I don't cheat. I'm fed up with giving kindness and getting rigidity in return. I think it's over, but darn, she's so good at her core. It's the curse of the type A: spending every minute worrying about the future and never enjoying life while it's here. Her life is being robbed by it and it's driving me to leave.

 

Her moderate energy level and need for 12 hours of sleep doesn't work when I get up at 6 am to hit the gym and never make it to bed before midnight, and can roll with the punches every day.

 

All I want is to have her hear me saying I'm serious, listen to me. How do I do that short of threatening a breakup? I've tried every touchy-feeley relationship conversation tactic in the book. The message has not been received and I'm losing hope that she will every change or learn the art of compromise.

 

She is making me dinner on Tuesday after which I will have to go home. I may just tell her that I'm not coming back.

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Have her tiredness medically diagnosed, you need to get to the bottom of this "tiredness" whether its an actual physical limitation or she just making stuff up because shes lazy/can't be bothered.

 

In terms of her "selfishness", your examples weren't adequate enough to prove selfishness but rather, it proves immaturity instead. Knowing she had plans with you and friends but being irresponsible to have woken up so late and wanted coffee and then apologizing profusely is a display of immaturity, a selfish person would not apologize profusely.

 

Your need for cuddling... and her not wanting to is again sort of an awkward example of "selfishness", if I called my ex gf selfish because she didn't want to have sex with me when I wanted it then she would slap me in the face lol.

 

Anyways, to your statement in bold, to be taken seriously, you need to show consequences. I'm sure you've heard of the term "paper tiger", don't become a paper tiger who is all talk/threat and no bite =) just state out the action and consequence and don't sugar coat the consequence. This is almost like parenting 101 lol.

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this is easy to figure out...you guys aren't compatible. and i agree with termus123 that your examples weren't adequate enough to prove that she is selfish.

 

I don't think she is a selfish person, just clueless at times. It bothers me that she hassles me about being on time for her events (I would be anyway, I just don't worry about it for days in advance) but takes a very lackadaisical attitude to showing up to mine. She's done stuff like try to squeeze in a gym run between work and an event where she was supposed to meet my friends. Her detour would have made her 1/2 hour late but she missed the train and thus was 90 minutes late. No real apology there, because she NEEDED to go to the gym. It just feels like it's often all about her, other people's time or plans are less important.

 

She knows she is difficult and Type A and says I am good for her because I balance her out and make her stop her nonsense from time to time. I just can't do it anymore. I like strong women, but this one is just too controlling and focused on setting all the rules for my taste. What really bothers me is that she can't turn off her motor -- she has no control over it. It's making her miserable and I could really do without a lifetime of feeling like I'm getting in the way of her full potential.

 

Sleeping in separate beds so she can he 100% for work? No thanks. She refuses to go to a doctor even though I'm worried about why she is tired all the time. At the end of the day, she has every right to set her priorities but I also have the right to walk when it's clear I'm not getting treated like one. I feel terrible leaving, as she's told me several times that guys can't handle her and I'm the only one to ever treat her like a real girlfriend. A really good person who's just really difficult at times.

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She isn't making the tiredness up. If I tried to control every aspect of my life to the degree she does, I would be tired too. Our energy levels are just different in the first place. She of course has the right to say no cuddling but my needs aren't being met there.

 

Thanks for the advice.

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I know you are trying to portray yourself as a martyr here, but it's just not working. You both sound equally unpleasant at times and just plain incompatible.

 

Issue 1: You guys have very different needs for alone time and affection. There is a book called the Five Love Languages that explains this well. You sound like "physical touch" is a big need for you. Not everyone is like this. Some people have a greater need for "words of affection" or "acts of service" and those are the things that make them feel loved. Just because she has her own needs and boundaries, it doesn't mean she's selfish. It may just mean you guys are not compatible.

 

Issue 2: Your language describing her is a little short-sided. You call her rigid, but what you actually describe to me is someone who is a) more scheduled and has clear-cut needs that are different from you (e.g. sleeping alone) and b) may have some sleep issues. Needing 12 hours of sleep and needing coffee suggest something else is going on there (sleep anxiety, depression, anemia, ANY NUMBER OF ISSUES). She should see a doctor. A loving boyfriend would encourage her to get help versus just calling her selfish. Nagging someone to get up who is tired, no matter why, is just a very bad idea and doesn't make logical sense.

 

Issue 3: You aren't particularly committed. Guys who are committed don't start thinking about other chicks to cuddle with. I have a number of ladies who would stay the night. That's just ridiculous.

 

You say you feel like it's over. It sounds like it. If so, go ahead and end it. You shouldn't be this unhappy after just a few months of dating.

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this is easy to figure out...you guys aren't compatible. and i agree with termus123 that your examples weren't adequate enough to prove that she is selfish.

 

Totally agree. People aren't "selfish" just because they don't do what you want them to do.

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Her tiredness is probably in direct proportion to her alcohol intake. Not being able to get up "in time" for an afternoon commitment is no small feat.

 

Anywhooo --- she does not make you a priority above her need for sleep.

You, on the other hand, needing a "cuddle" midweek because it is a snow day???? Makes you sound a bit immature.

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Personally I think there are a lot worse problems you two could be having. It sounds like you just want more affection than she is currently able to or is willing to provide. Some people are a little more withdrawn than others but that seems like something you two could work out. 12 hours of sleep is not normal so there might be something else going on here. Most people can get by on half that amount of sleep. If she is so tired that it is causing her to miss events and inconvenience others then she should probably get that checked out. It might be sleep apnea or some other sleeping disorder.

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I have to agree with Ms Darcy here. You guys just have different needs. In order for your relationship to work you need to accept that you both have different needs and each need to make an effort to meet the other person's needs as well as your own. Have you told her that cuddling makes you feel like you are loved and appreciated (or whatever it makes you feel)? You need to tell her more clearly what your needs are because she can't be expected to read your mind. Some people do need more sleep than others (though if she does in fact need 12 hours of sleep there may be something else going on) and have difficulty sleeping with someone while cuddling. I love cuddling but not when I'm sleeping and need my own space to fall asleep (not necessarily separate beds but at least large enough bed where I can have my own space.) You're asking her to sacrifice her need for sleep to cuddle with you. While she should be taking your needs into consideration, you also need to look at your own actions.

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