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I’m new here but been lurking around the forum for quite a bit and in need of some advice. Long story short: I dated this girl for 4 years and she dumped me a couple of months ago. She met someone else and I went into no contact and been doing very well with the recovery process. However, lately she been contacting me and against my better judgment, I broke no contact because I thought that I could be her friend without having to worried about being anything more than that. As we resume communications, I learned that she is having some problems with him and based on my deduction, she is trying to use me as a backup plan if their relationship failed. If I still loved her, then this would normally pissed me off, but the problem is, I don’t want that kind of relationship with her anymore. I agree to be her friend, that all. We can never be together again and honesty, I have no desire to date her again because of all the past dramas. The ironic thing is when we broke up, I wanted her back so badly but now I’m finding myself praying that she work it out with him and don’t come running back to me because that is not an option anymore. I’m afraid that if I turned her down, she would be depressed and suicidal and I don’t want to feel responsible for any actions she may take. What should I do? Get back into NC immediately? Tell her I’m not interested in her like that anymore? and if I do how should I approach her?

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Why do you want to be friends with her then? What good does it bring to be friends with an ex? Specially when you're the dumpee.

 

Stop talking to her. Stop being a plan B. disappear from her life completely and never look back. You'll not regret.

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Why do you want to be friends with her then? What good does it bring to be friends with an ex? Specially when you're the dumpee.

 

Stop talking to her. Stop being a plan B. disappear from her life completely and never look back. You'll not regret.

 

Well, one of the reason why I broke NC when she contacted me is to get closure. In the process of it, she confessed to me that leaving me was a mistake and she broke down and cried in front of me. (And damn it, I got weak when I saw her cried) She begged me to be friends because she said there isn't anyone to talk to about her feelings and I know her better than anyone else.

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Well, one of the reason why I broke NC when she contacted me is to get closure. In the process of it, she confessed to me that leaving me was a mistake and she broke down and cried in front of me. (And damn it, I got weak when I saw her cried) She begged me to be friends because she said there isn't anyone to talk to about her feelings and I know her better than anyone else.

 

Well you have to understand that she broke up with you. You owe nothing to her. I mean, she did not mean to make you suffer by breaking up with you I get it. But then she wants YOU to comfort her? She's asking a bit too much don't you think? Doesn't she have a family for that? A father or a mother?

 

Like you said yourself, she's probably using you as plan B. If you want to be there for her as a friend, by all means go ahead. I'm just saying that I would not.

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Well, one of the reason why I broke NC when she contacted me is to get closure. In the process of it, she confessed to me that leaving me was a mistake and she broke down and cried in front of me. (And damn it, I got weak when I saw her cried) She begged me to be friends because she said there isn't anyone to talk to about her feelings and I know her better than anyone else.

 

She lost the privilege of having you there to comfort her when she made the decision to dump you after meeting someone else. You're selling yourself short by not letting her see the consequences of her choices.

 

Take yourself off that back burner, and put a higher price tag on yourself.

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Yes, I understand what you guys are saying but now that the damage have been done, what should I do?

Should I go right back into NC without any warning? Because at the moment, she still thinks that I am her friend and want to meet me next week to "hang out"

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Yes, I understand what you guys are saying but now that the damage have been done, what should I do?

Should I go right back into NC without any warning? Because at the moment, she still thinks that I am her friend and want to meet me next week to "hang out"

 

LetitBurn you done enough... She dumped you for someone else. It was a mistake? Yes it was but you've done enough. Have some self-love and get out of this mess. Like HeartGoesOn said she lost the privilege of having you to comfort her. You deserve better.

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Go back to NC immediately. And if she calls you up and threatens suicide dial 9-1-1 and tell them what she's told you and give them her address, so they can go deal with it. You don't. I would perhaps just send one text saying something along the lines of you hope she can work things out with her current guy, but you are not interested in being a shoulder for her to cry on. And then block and delete her. This woman isn't your friend, she wants to as you say use you as a backup plan. And I sort of think it's interesting that she seems to try finding another guy to turn to when she's having problems with her current relationship. Isn't that what she did to you?

 

No, just go back to NC. There's zero reason to be her friend.

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Just tell her that you have had second thoughts and dont think its a good idea to meet up or be friends as you HAVE moved on in your life.

 

Then wish her luck for the future and go NC and stay NC.

 

Dont feel bad or guilty, sometimes you got to do the right thing for you even if it sucks for others.

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Well you have to understand that she broke up with you. You owe nothing to her. I mean, she did not mean to make you suffer by breaking up with you I get it. But then she wants YOU to comfort her? She's asking a bit too much don't you think? Doesn't she have a family for that? A father or a mother?

 

Like you said yourself, she's probably using you as plan B. If you want to be there for her as a friend, by all means go ahead. I'm just saying that I would not.

 

Totally agree with this. Things aren't working out with her current bf so she is "looking back" and wondering whether she did the right thing. However she is totally forgetting that things weren't working out with you either. They couldn't have done, otherwise you wouldn't be where you are now. Nevertheless it makes her feel better to know you are there to catch her should she fall.

 

Yes, I understand what you guys are saying but now that the damage have been done, what should I do?

Should I go right back into NC without any warning? Because at the moment, she still thinks that I am her friend and want to meet me next week to "hang out"

 

I think, in this case, that you could tell her that you have had second thoughts about getting together. After all she is in a relationship now so hanging out with her ex shouldn't really be an option. You could just politely explain that she made has her choice to move on and move on is what you both must do. She needs to understand that she has to respect your wishes as you have had no choice but to respect hers.

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Thanks for the feedback guys. To elaborate on why I am so concerned about taking her back is because in the past 4 years of dating her, we would have many arguments/fights that nearly cause us to break up and I remembered on 3 separate occasions, she would threaten suicide if I didn't take her back. 2 times by OD and 1 time by trying unsuccessfully to hang herself.

You see when we finally broke up (this time she is the dumper) I felt sad but at the same time relieved that I didn't have to deal with all of her BS anymore.

So called me selfish but that why I hoping that she work it out with the new bf and let her be his problem and not mine.

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People who threaten suicide are rarely serious … rather they use it as a form of manipulation. I can't tell from you post, however, whether they were all threats or actual attempts. Either way it ISN'T your problem anymore because she HAS dumped you and she HAS moved on to someone else. It isn't fair for you to have to deal with this even after she has decided to leave the relationship. I can understand why you might be reluctant to ignore her when you have already agreed to meet up with her but I also think it is totally understandable why you want to be done with this drama. I would wait for her to contact you again before deciding whether or not to respond or what to say if you do decide to respond. It may be that just knowing you were prepared to meet her is enough and you might not hear from her again - or for at least a while.

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She dumped you, moved on, dated another guy, didn't work out and now you're her backup plan. She wants comfort by any means. If the situation was reverse, do you think she would comfort you?

 

Open your eyes. She's not your problem. You OWE her NOTHING.

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She dumped you, moved on, dated another guy, didn't work out and now you're her backup plan. She wants comfort by any means. If the situation was reverse, do you think she would comfort you?

 

Open your eyes. She's not your problem. You OWE her NOTHING.

 

It's funny that you say that I owe her nothing when I am constantly being reminded by her that since I took her virginity, I OWE her. This girl, since day 1, have been manipulating me and used me and yet I am the bad guy.

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Just tell her that you have had second thoughts and dont think its a good idea to meet up or be friends as you HAVE moved on in your life.

 

Then wish her luck for the future and go NC and stay NC.

 

Dont feel bad or guilty, sometimes you got to do the right thing for you even if it sucks for others.

 

I agree with this. Then block her number.

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It's funny that you say that I owe her nothing when I am constantly being reminded by her that since I took her virginity, I OWE her. This girl, since day 1, have been manipulating me and used me and yet I am the bad guy.

 

It takes two to have sex. She let you take her virginity. You can't be at her beck and call for the rest of your life just because you were the first person she had sex with. She is likely having sex with someone else now so even by her own skewed standards surely she doesn't think you STILL owe her!

 

Goodness, you must thank your lucky stars that you're free from this drama.

 

The more you say about her, the more I feel inclined to say cut all ties IMMEDIATELY. Block her from EVERYWHERE. She's been manipulating you far too long. Anymore communication will just lead to the same.

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Well, it's been 5 days since she contacted me and now today I got a text from her saying they broke up... My fears is coming true. I don't know what to do now. I know that she will tried to run back to me and it going to be so difficult to turn her down. How ironic that I still want her to be happy even after everything she did to me.

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Well, it's been 5 days since she contacted me and now today I got a text from her saying they broke up... My fears is coming true. I don't know what to do now. I know that she will tried to run back to me and it going to be so difficult to turn her down. How ironic that I still want her to be happy even after everything she did to me.

 

Your fears? Why fear? It's simple just don't let her back in.

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