Stay or Go? Commitment issues, Loss of career dream, confused

[Amira1985]

I have been in a serious relationship for the last 8 years. We own a house together and have been living together since 3 months into the relationship. I have been seeking more commitment and have asked about marriage. His response initially was he had never thought about it and didn't think he wanted it. Later into the relationship he said it was something he would do within 5 years. Two years after this conversation his reason is now not having enough money- untrue I believe.

 

The reason I seek it is because I feel it will give me a more secure setting for children and finances. Our finances are separate apart from an account for the bills, so we never seem to be able to save jointly. Everything is divided down the middle rather than shared. If something happened to our relationship, I would be the one left struggling to move on, as he owns the majority of everything and we haven't yet paid anything off the house- so there would be no return from that. (I also work full time in his family business, in which I'm severely underpaid, and my car, phone etc I don't own). I began working after he got into trouble when I was 19, and I needed to run his business while he was away. This caused me a huge deal of stress at such a young age and I gave up furthering my university degree to the level I should have.

 

For the last 5 years I have tried to get myself out of the position as I feel trapped. I've tried many times to obtain work elsewhere in our area, unfortunately to no success. In saying that I could get an office job or something similar but I know I would be unhappy. I recently applied to work in an exciting role which I had essentially been hired for and had an exciting career path ahead of me until they evaluated his past (drugs, something I've always steered clear of) and decided to turn me down only due to his past. I feel punished for someone else's mistakes- when I thought I was doing the right thing by sticking by him at the time, you know, supporting rather than neglecting someone etc and having everything brought back up, along with other issues, it seems to have sparked the 'stay or go' debate within myself. I know it's unfair to bring up his actions that we moved on from so long ago, but I feel like I've given up so much.

 

We've had a few disagreements about the commitment thing, and countless ones about his alcohol consumption and being out until 8am-10am in the morning partying. He's a kind and placid person, I love those qualities in him and I know he loves me a lot but sometimes I wonder whether it's all worth it?

 

I've recently had an amazing job offer out of town which I really want to take, but he doesn't want to come with me, which is fair because of his business and other properties here. Would you stick it out, stay and try to make it work, or take the new opportunity?

 

Can anyone relate here?

[savignon]

I'm curious how they related his past to you..? I don't see that being relevant and also you don't have the same last name or anything. A search on you wouldn't bring up his past..?

Anyways after 8 years I think you need to know on some level whether or not you think this relationship entails the kind of future you want for yourself. If it does, stay. If it doesn't, move on. 8 years is plenty enough time to make an evaluation.

[Amira1985]

Thankyou, the job was with a government agency, so they do extensive background checks not only on me but everyone around me.

[savignon]

Ah, yes in that case I can see where they'd presume your character and integrity might line up with your crowd. "Birds of a feather.."

Are you happy?

[Ayanokōji]

Amira, your predicament is a common one which I've seen quite often. It seems that you want financial security etc... But due to a reluctance of marriage on your s.o's side, you are unable to gain that security so you try to obtain it yourself by pursuing your career more. Catch is, he won't come along and he has no reason to.

 

Your scenario seems pretty simple, if hes splitting all bills and finances in half with you and reluctant to get married then you obviously should pursue your career and heres why.

 

Say you decide not to pursue your career and stay with him, you are still getting underpaid and you have to pay 50% of everything while hes earning a lot more (assuming from what I'm reading here). Should you 2 ever break up then your "career sacrifice" becomes a missed opportunity that you will probably kick yourself for later.

 

Long story short, if you love him then stay, if you don't really love him as unconditionally as you think then go for your career.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you have sacrificed enough for this guy. You have sacrificed your career, your financial independence, your reputation because of his lack of judgement and your desire to get married. Life is handing you a golden opportunity to get out of this rut and move on to better yourself. Don't stick it out with a guy like this, after 8 years it is enough. Love is not enough. You are still young and if you don't walk away now you will waste another 8 years of your life in a dead end job and dead end relationship. This relationship has run its course. Time to take care of your own future. Accept the job offer and move forward with your life.

[Twidom]

Have you tried to talk to him about him? I think saying the RS run it's course it's a bit soon to judge. If you both sat down and talked everything you just told us and he still don't change his mind, then yes I agree it's time for some serious changes.

 

If not, then why not try to talk? Communication is key here.

[CeeLambrini]

The last time you passed up an amazing opportunity for him you regretted it, now you're considering doing it again?

Your relationship is incredibly imbalanced, Amira, you have sacrificed an incredible amount for him, including your potential for a great degree and an excellent career. And despite all of this he refuses to marry you, and maintain the splitting things half and half. So in other words, he will keep everything he owns and has - but will be happy to take whatever you are willing to give to him as well.

I think you will seriously regret not taking this opportunity in years to come.

[Amira1985]

Thank-you all for your replies, I've tried to talk things through with him several times but nothing seems to change. He is caring and kind but the circumstances I'm in make me so unhappy. Today I've found out that the job opportunity has been put on hold. Yesterday I was so sure I was going to take it, now another set back. I feel like I've been put back in a cage. No room to move without a job, and to make matters worse, if I end things, and apply for jobs elsewhere, I will need a reference to land any position. Not easy in my case. (The previous offer was at a friends company- so no need for reference checking).