Ayanokōji Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 My friend (male) lets call him M and my other friend (female) lets call her F are in a sexual relationship for awhile now. Anyways, I know that M is cheating on F with another girl (I know her too) because M told me as a secret and I caught them later on by accident. Whats the standard protocol for my predicament? Am I obligated to inform F or keep it to myself as its none of my business? Way I see it, if I tell F then M will certainly not trust me again since he told me to keep it a secret. If I don't tell F then F will probably suspect that I knew and is plotting against her with M if she ever finds out that M is cheating on her. Any suggestions are much appreciated. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 Mate, stay out of this. There is no way you can win. It is between the two of them. Just examine your motives and make sure that you do not have any hidden motive heres. The best reaction would be to be miles away for both of these people until they get things sorted. You are way too much in their back pocket which puts you in the position of having to keep confidences for both of them. Tell him to keep his business to himself. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 I think you can tell M that he needs to tell F and that if F asks you if you know anything (i.e. if she suspects) it's going to put you in a very uncomfortable position to have to lie to F. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 As a friend, you have no obligation to involve yourself in his personal life. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 Maybe I'm just weird, but if my friend knew I was being cheated on id expect them to either 1. Tell my s/o to confess or 2. Tell me if my s/o refused to tell the truth. My advice is to tell your friend if he doesn't fess up you will tell her. I wouldn't be able to know one of my friends was headed for heartbreak and not do anything about it. Yes, it's a sucky situation all around and it's not your business but your friend MADE it your business by telling you! And in the future, tell your friends to keep there private lives there's to avoid any more sticky situations like this. Link to comment
Iggles Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 My advice is to tell your friend if he doesn't fess up you will tell her. I wouldn't be able to know one of my friends was headed for heartbreak and not do anything about it. Yes, it's a sucky situation all around and it's not your business but your friend MADE it your business by telling you! Exactly! By not saying something, you are upholding a lie by omission. Tell your friend M to do the right thing or else you will need to clear your conscience. How atrocious M and another mutual friend are betraying his girlfriend! I would have trouble respecting him and her after. Why not just break up with the girlfriend? Very low. Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 Thanks for your responses, seems to me that the guys are saying that it's none of my business and I should keep quiet while the girls are saying that I need to do something about it. Hmmm.... Link to comment
marona Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 those who tells you to stay out of it, are probably cheaters themselves. I agree with Bah2013. Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 I would never forgive a friend who didn't get me out of a relationship with a cheater if they had the chance. I'd hate to pick sides of course, if they were both my friends but if one was deliberately hurting the other friend - like yours is then my own morals and obligations would fall to the cheatee - not the cheater. However, you say sexual relationship rather than just relationship. Have they agreed to be exclusive first of all? If they haven't, then not letting her know is just common decency. If they have - or if she is under the impression that they are then he is treating her unfairly. I agree with the others who say it is your business - as M has been confiding in you and making you keep a secret from F. It wouldn't be fair to have to outright lie to her if she was to ever ask - lying would definitely make it your business because once she does, you are then part of it. Tell M that you are not comfortable in lying to F, you are a loyal friend to both of them and it isn't fair for you to let your friend be in an unhappy, unfair relationship. If he still refuses to fess up, let him know his only other option would be to end things with her if he wants to continue a relationship with the other girl. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 Tell your friend M to do the right thing or else you will need to clear your conscience. How atrocious M and another mutual friend are betraying his girlfriend! I would have trouble respecting him and her after. Why not just break up with the girlfriend? Very low. This is my opinion, too. Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 I talked to M about it and he told me that all I have to do is say that I didn't know should she find out. Sorry I said sexual relationship because I wanted no confusion, it is a relationship with sex and it is exclusive as far as shes concerned although this was never established so clearly like written on paper so shes assuming common decency. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 And you continue talking with him about it....getting even more deeply in the middle of this. As far as the guys saying stay out of this being cheaters....ahhh...no. Guys just hate to be in the middle of drama and this has big drama written all over it. Why did you let yourself get sucked into this mess. The minute he started to "confide about his cheating ways", you should have said, "I don't want to hear this because it will put me in an uncomfortable situation" It is not the circle of friends responsibility to provide a security network for each of the relationships they are aware of. At least, I did not sign on for that with my friends. Their love life and dramas and infidelities are their own mess. Why would I want to pull cop duty? Where would it end? Could the girlfriends recruit me to check out their boyfriend's excuses or unexplained absences? Too many times, the well intentioned person in the middle ends up having both people made at them. It is a lose/lose situation. Unless you are secretly angling on the girlfriend and want to try and break them up? Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 Actually from the beginning M just asked me if I could keep a secret and I said yeah and he said I'm getting some on the side with F2 and that was it lol... Not like I had any warning or time to tell him to shut up and not tell me. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Actually from the beginning M just asked me if I could keep a secret and I said yeah and he said I'm getting some on the side with F2 and that was it lol... Not like I had any warning or time to tell him to shut up and not tell me. To be honest, he sounds like a complete jerk and doesn't deserve ANY loyalty from anyone. Not only is he flippant about cheating on his gf, he doesn't seem to care about the position he has put you in by telling you. When the sht hits the fan, he is making sure that you are involved too so that he doesn't lose you as his buddy! I would reiterate to him that what he is doing is shoddy, that F is a friend too and that if he cares about either of you he will come clean or end one or both of the relationships now. He is cheating on her, he is in the wrong and he is asking you to lie for him so whilst I can totally appreciate that it is much easier to turn a blind eye and I wouldn't blame you if that is what you did (there's nothing worse than being the bearer of bad news - the saying "don't shoot the messenger" springs to mind), at the same time F is also a friend and it is going to be hard watching her fall deeper into something that is actually nothing. Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Well, thanks to M you have been put right on the fork in the road, his actions causing you to choose a path of loyalty - either M or F. Now it's time to "follow your heart" - and I don't mean in the romantic sense, I mean how do you personally feel about this situation. Take away the "obligation" part and ask yourself how you feel about what is happening. Keeping the truth away for now feels easy, I'm sure - but if M is cheating on F then she will soon begin to see the signs and it is very possible that she will come to you in a few weeks to come and ask you if you know what is going on. She may have tears in her eyes, she may confide in you that you are the only person she can speak to about this. Will you still be happy keeping the secret then? Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 I'm really bad when it comes to girls and tears but theres a strong Possibility she would cry to her other female friends rather than me. But if she did choose to cry to me for some reason then yeah I'm screwed Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 I talked to M about it and he told me that all I have to do is say that I didn't know should she find out. Sorry I said sexual relationship because I wanted no confusion, it is a relationship with sex and it is exclusive as far as shes concerned although this was never established so clearly like written on paper so shes assuming common decency. Um why is HE dictating what you do or say in this situation?! This is up to you, and if you want to be honest or not. Yes it's messy and sucks but as I said, it's his fault for involving you. Link to comment
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