Narcissistic boyfriend? Or am I wrong?

[infectedpsy]

I only skimmed this post (sorry) but let's see the light here. You need to dump this a hole. He does seem to carry a few narcissistic attributes and you can't change him. He seems uncaring and cold…and you're the last person he should exhibit that behavior with.

 

I do not at all mean to sound harsh but come on…the writing's on the wall. I'm sure even while you were typing this post you knew the answer. Leave. Find a better, quality man. You deserve it. Get out now.

 

Its easy when your looking at it from the outside. There's a chance she want's that rush of oxytocin's back when they first met, due to the love bombing (Another Trait), unfortunately she's never going to get it again, the mask of sanity has slipped. Also It's difficult to swallow and admitting that you have been fooled by dating a human chameleon, let alone accept that there are humans with no emotions or compassion in the same world we live in.

 

It's not something we have been taught in our school's or any where for that matter, and you wonder why that is? Could it possibly be that we are actually run by the very same people?

 

Most of what I know apart from being up close and personal and experiencing the damage they create, I also had to do my research.

[Amanda7891]

It is difficult from the inside. He does make a lot of time for me, and I feel like an important and real part of his life. He is often very accommodating and does things that make me feel close to him, bonded. I think part of my heartache is caused by confusion and inconsistency from him. We've talked a couple of times about seeing a counselor together -- I have seen a therapist of my own regularly at intervals but am not currently seeing her. I personally view counseling as a constructive thing, not a taboo, and yesterday he actually agreed to look over some information and consider talking to someone together, an idea he used to shoot down immediately. He seems willing to work together, willing to move things forward in a good way, and I notice him obviously applying things we've recently discussed, but I'm not sure if it's too late for me. Throwing in the towel is much easier said than done.

 

Thank you all so much for your feedback.

[sadsun]

You just described my bf. And I am in the same boat as you. Hard to leave someone when you love them. But there comes a point where a relationship becomes one sided. Your needs need to met. It is supposed to be a partnership

[infectedpsy]

When people say they have fallen in love with a Narc/psychopath, you haven't fallen in love with the person, just their character. The reason why its difficult to leave them, is that your hoping that the original character they played in the beginning is going to come back. No chance. Then they move on to the next victim, and play an entirely different character, like you think they are a completely new person. Nope just a mere facade.

 

The psychopath has 3 stages: Idealization --> Devalue --> Discard.

 

The OP has not experienced the discard stage yet, which is why it is a good idea to get out now.

[staysound]

I was in the same boat as you are in now, it could have been me telling this story, luckily I'm out of it since about 2 years now.

I've never been happier about any romantic decision in my life than ending this relationship with this man I used to call my everything but now I call him by his real name, an emotional vulture, and it came with a big psychological price and I had to have a lot therapy during and after it.

He also agreed to go to therapy together only to go by himself and then telling me 'even his therapist told him all was my fault'.

Something a therapist would never say, not like that anyway. He gaslighted me so hard and on a day to day basis and the worst part of it all is, I excused all of it because I thought he 'just didn't realise it', 'he didn't have a loving relationship with his family', 'he had had a trauma in his life', whatever he (and I) could find to justify whatever shenanigans he would pull.

 

When you're in this kind of relationship you grow codependent of their moods and their moodswings, their opinion of you, because a gaslighter uses this technic to show you his superiority, to control where everything is going. It is extremely controlling behavior and by staying with a person like this it proves you can be controlled and you feel worthy of being controlled. And trust me, he is very aware of that by now.

This is not a healthy situation, no matter which angle you use to view the so called love between you. Love is not pain. It's pain.

Love is not codependency, it's sharing mutual feelings of, yes, love and above all respect, trust and care. When this is one sided, or mostly one sided, you have somebody who's riding on your energy just to fulfill his and that is called using, no matter which definition of love he expresses it with.

Of course you're an important part of his life, of course he accommodates you in certain ways, a person like this does the mere necessities for you to stay with him.

Don't confuse this with love. Again: love is not pain, it's pain.

 

Yes, throwing in the towel is definitely much easier said than done, especially with somebody you grow so codependent on, especially with somebody who's got a zillion techniques to undermine your self esteem. Learn to recognize those techniques, every time your gut says you are not being treated the way you think you should, write it down, and read and reread what happens or has been said or done.

I stayed for far too long, but that also means I got quite a catalogue of behaviors in my book now that I have learnt to recognize.

It took me a little over a year to get back in a positive mental shape and now I can honestly say, every little feeling of love I had for this person is gone.

I took it to a new owner: myself.

[Amanda7891]

It's helpful to hear all of this input. I've struggled to decide whether I overreact to things, or take things too personally. But I think he has taken it too far, too many times, and I'm losing confidence in the situation.

[Amanda7891]

I suppose that's the last thing I want to address/ask about. I know I'm not perfect. I've lost my temper, yelled, and sworn when pushed (to that point, not physically pushed). I know I am responsible for these actions, but I also do not start out that way. I almost feel as if it's a little justified sometimes. If he does something crappy and acts like an ass about it afterwards, why is it also only my responsibility to sugarcoat my response to that? To spare his feelings after he's acted out? Like I'm supposed to feel bad for him? I think if he can dish it out he should be able to handle a less than perfect reaction. I feel like he wants to do whatever he wants and I should just take it.

 

Am I wrong in that thinking? How would you all respond to that treatment ?

[mhowe]

You respond to that treatment by telling yourself you deserve better --- not sugar coating, not stooping to his level.

 

You will not change him --- and so you need to move on. Sooner rather than later.

 

Ask yourself --- why are you putting up with it?