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There have been multiple threads on this topic as the dumpee if forced to learn the lessons of the break up while the dumper sometimes as smooth sailing. I was thinking in the case of my break up how I was forced to learn these lessons as well. For those experiencing recent heartache, I would like to give some advice.

 

1) It is not completely your fault. Even if the blame is put solely on you, it is not completely your fault.

 

2) Try to laugh at how you act. It shows maturity, and you need to understand you are coming from a place of great emotional pain, so please don't be too hard on yourself.

 

3) If your ex moves on quickly, then please count your blessings. They have not took the time to fully mature and learn the lessons that they need to learn. Don't move on in a months time unless you feel completely over the relationship. Take your time and heal. This is so crucial.

 

4) Volunteer and work out. You will feel so much better about who you are when someone in need tells you that they greatly appreciate you. You are not a monster, you are not despite how much you want to think you are.

 

5) Codependency does not work; you will lose yourself. It is not healthy to rely on someone solely for your happiness.

 

6) As one the best Levon Helm songs lyrics goes: "Do not try to buy a woman's love with the last dollar of your soul." If someone does not wish to work with you through a rough patch, do not try to hold onto them. You cannot force someone to love you, but you can love yourself. Remember you are a great person with much worth.

 

7) Do not ignore the red flags. My ex would feel guilty when I would say that she was the best thing that has ever happened to me as she didn't want to hurt me if we ever left. I repeat: DO NOT IGNORE THE RED FLAGS! Uphold communication even if it is an uncomfortable topic, it might save your relationship. I also ignored that my ex was emotionally cheating on me. I should have recognized that she was still seeing him behind my back. While issues can be worked out, do not ignore the red flags.

 

8 ) Love yourself. When you truly love yourself, you will understand your self worth. Please love who you are. I am still learning how to do this. In fact, I don't think anyone truly knows completely how to accomplish this, but you can begin with a first step. Look in a mirror and know that the person you see is more than good enough. You are more than good enough.

 

9) Admit your mistakes, and be honest with yourself. You have made mistakes, otherwise, your relationship wouldn't have failed. Put blame on yourself only in the aspects of what you truly are responsible for. In my case, it was my depression. I am responsible for my mental condition, and I am responsible for curing my depression. No one else is. Once you learn your faults, you can fix them.

 

10) Is stated this before, but you have to learn. Most people run away, I feel. My ex did. While I have no had any contact with her, I do believe she learned very little. How can you learn much when you run from one man to another to escape loneliness? Feel the pain, embrace it, and learn. It could benefit you for the rest of your life if you let it.

 

Thank you for reading this. These just a few lessons I learned from my break up that I will embrace for the rest of my life. I am not healed yet, I still cringe at the thought of my ex being with her new lover. Learning is so crucial to this experience.

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I've reached a point where I've largely stopped blaming myself for what went wrong. And I have had enough time elapse to know that I was a damn good boyfriend to my ex. In fact, I've reached the point where I see clear as day that I was a better boyfriend to her than she was girlfriend to me (in many ways, but not all).

 

Nevertheless, I did learn one hard lesson. There were a few times throughout our relationship (after the first 2 years "honeymoon" phase) where my temper got the best of me and I wasn't there for her in some ways. There were one or two things that were really important to her, and not only did I disagree, I found the issue at hand unimportant. I learned that when you're in a relationship with someone, if something is very important to your partner, you have to try to be there for them and be supportive, even if you disagree with them.

 

That's the main lesson I've learned, I would say.

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The biggest lesson I've learned: When they show you who they are, believe them.

 

Don't make excuses for them, or wear rose-colored glasses, or justify it with "oh, he/she is just having a bad day."

 

Pay attention. They show you who they are in lots of little ways.

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The self blame is what I dealt with until really recently. I know what I did wrong and can fix it for the future. He moved on pretty fast, so I'm not sure about him, but that's his and his next girlfriend's problem. I do hate the feelings I still have for him even knowing how bad it was and how poorly he treated me. I've learned that even if someone does have something psychologically wrong with them, it's still not an excuse to treat someone so badly. I often found myself excusing him and easily forgiving him for it. Humans aren't supposed to blatantly do those things to each other and there isn't a real justification. Nobody deserves to be devalued. I've also learned that outsiders only see a taste of what dumpees go through and are often quick to judge them about it. A lot of times the outside friend or supporter tends to want to say something to make you "miraculously" just get you over it and it doesn't help. I know they're trying to help, but it's a big deal to us and I wish more people could understand that. But there will always be that one person who will throw it back at you like that. With my experience anyway. Days filled with highs and lows... Learning to love yourself. It's crucial. Even if for the first time. I've personally changed my views on love itself. But even with all the psych mumbo jumbo, a lot of it making sense logically, has offered very little comfort. I'm nearly 8 weeks out now and still feeling like somedays it's just never going to end, but logically I know that's not true. Mind and heart don't work well together at this moment for me.

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Actions speak louder than words. You can see their lips moving, but watch what their feet are doing.

 

Take what they say at the time of break up as final. Do not over think it. Also, what they said the day before ie: I love you is irrelevant.

 

I have also learned that what I truly want is validation from her. I want her to say, "you were right, I was wrong...you are so wonderful that I want to change for you/us".

 

I have learned that there is nothing I can do to change it, I did not create it, I cannot fix her and it does not matter what she is thinking or doing. That is none of my business.

 

I have learned that I am now free to find a woman who is more compatible with me emotionally.

 

NC is the best way to heal and move on. To accept and let go with love.

 

I have learned to stay in gratitude and be thankful for what is to come.

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