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I just want to know what to do to make my marriage become stronger. I'll start off with the back story. I met my husband when he was 14 and I was 16. We hung out a couple times. Then I moved out of state to live with a boyfriend I met online. After five months, it ended and I moved back home. Funny thing, my mom bought his dads old house. They hit it off and began to date (my mom/his dad) We hung out all the time, mostly smoking pot and "going on adventures" (walking around). There were times I felt an attraction, but I didn't show it and I never thought he'd feel the same. We slowly began to realize we both liked each other, and so it began... right around the time our relationship started, my mom and his dad moved into my childhood home (still in the family) together and we shared a room (15 and 17 years old now). 3 months in, I became pregnant. It was intentional on my end. A bit before our son Richie was born, we moved into a condo that my dad owned where we didn't have to pay to live there. Once our son was one and a half, he turned 18 and got his inheritance from his great grandmother and it was just enough to buy a house. We fixed it up and made it home (where we live now). Soon after moving in we got married. A few months later I was pregnant again (intentional). Our daughter Emmy is now turning one this month and our son is three. We have a duck and three dogs. I love my husband very, very much. I really do. He has had to deal with my mental instability the whole relationship (over four years now). I have borderline personality disorder (my perceptions, ideas, passions, and whole self change drastically at moments notice, server mood swings, low sense of self and who I am, just screwy faulty thinking) and OCD that is almost fully under control. I feel like I try to destroy things when I don't want to. I know he would never, ever leave me because he loves me and he's comfortable. I am too. But although I don't mean it, I have been bringing up divorce every day. I don't know why I do it. It's like an impulse, like I'm trying to destroy my life. I am so scared and confused and upset, I don't know why I think crazy thoughts and say things I don't mean. I also have been intending to change myself and my lifestyle for YEARS. Every day I say tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. I haven't trained our unruly dog yet. Haven't started my fitness plan I've planned on. Haven't got on board with getting our son's discipline under control (he is super sweet, but because he's seen me get angry a lot, he's learning that). Haven't "started" my "new life" that I keep intending on. I just always think about a great life, fantasizing, while my real life is in shambles. I feel so guilty and miserable, I have every tool and resource for happiness and success, I have so much. We have a great secure home, wonderful healthy children, and I have a husband who stands by me unconditionally (and he's been through more than I'd ever really like to share with anyone). I am, by definition, an abusive partner. Sometimes physically. I hate it. I'm not evil. I hate that side of me. I want to kill it. I want to snuff it out. I want the bad side of me to go away. I mentally prepare for his arrival home after work, repeating in my mind that I will be loving and not act out in rage. But it happens, every time. On another note, I feel like we jumped into things without romance. The way I see the world, if we did not conceive when we did then my kids who I know and love would have never existed, so for that reason I'm glad we did not delay and I would never change it if I could, but I do feel screwed out of romance. It's almost like we're best friend room mates and co parents, but the whole lovey dovey thing isn't there that much. We never make any time to grow as a couple. I went from a dependent minor to a mom and housewife, and don't get me wrong, that's what I want and love, but I'd like to be able to grow our relationship. It's confusing. I know I'd never leave him, I intend to go to the grave with him, but sometimes I feel like there's just no fire, no romance, no attraction. Then I think, well, this is real life. I'm secure and he's a great guy, and fiery love is temporary no matter what...we just skipped that part, I need to let it go. I know I'll never get the romance I want, and I want to accept it. I also hate sex. I see sex as a tool to make babies, only. He is deprived of it. This is truly awful, but I must be honest- I hardly give him any and when I do I complain, often cutting the act short. I hate it. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it does not hurt, but I don't get what's so great about it, to me it's boring, dull, annoying, and just a job. I don't get aroused at all. I fear that I may be A-sexual. I can reach the O by external means, but not intercourse. I love cuddling, kissing, etc...just not sex. I hate it. I know that is not healthy, he does not understand it, I don't understand it, and I don't know what to do. I've never been sexually abused. I've had 9 sex partners before my husband. The first was a friends boyfriend, as he told me my first shouldn't be when I'm in love or I'll get hurt in the end. He told 15 year old me that he was doing me a favor. But whatever. Then all sex after that was dull. I had a one nighter with some guy from online. I had this weird boyfriend I didn't like. I have never enjoyed it. My husband thinks my issues with sex stem from all the bad experiences, but they don't bother me, it's just past experiences that I consented to and I just wasn't interested, I just did it because I thought it was "normal". I know we can't have a positive marriage until I figure out how to get interested in sex. I only enjoyed sex when trying for our kids. I had a goal. Any other time, no thank you. And that's so bad. So these are all the issues that I'm facing. It's jumbled up and there is no clear question, I realize. Just looking for any advice I could get.

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They would put me on heavy meds, I know it. But I'm breastfeeding, so I can't. I went two years with our son and our daughter has a year left. Meds are an option only after she is two and weaned.

 

Your issues are hurting your kids and your husband, the ones you love. They could leave them scars that may last them a lifetime. Addressing that is more urgent than breastfeeding for another year. One year is just fine. You need to straighten your priorities. Priority number one is to stop abusing the ones you love.

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