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Had been putting off seeing the doctor for a while. Cancelled two appointments but finally pushed through, was shaking and nearly threw up when she asked how she could help me. I knew I wouldn't be able to say so I had wrote down things that had been building up in me these past few months. This is what she read:

 

 

 

Can't tell friends they think I'm weak

Can't tell mum she tell me to stop being an idiot

Not being a good mum cos I should be taking them out but can't get out of the door or stop crying

Try to say 5 things I'm thankful for every morning to be positive but makes me feel like I don't deserve them

Always cancelling on friends and sisters if they ask to see me I always think it's cos they have something Bad to tell me

or when I have to see them I wear loads of layers so they can't see how much weight I've lost,

I try to eat, some days i can keep down a meal but past couple of weeks Ill have a few bites of toast and I feel sick.

And it's like it's a different person there, like I'm watching myself with a smile and make conversations whilst the real me is in the background like a dark cloud.

And after I have seen them for maybe two hours I'm just exhausted and feel even worse cos they should have a friend who doesn't have to pretend with them.

And when I'm not there I feel like there laughing at how pathetic I am.

Even people I don't ever see I think are talking about me, (talking to someone via twitter then she sent out three tweets which fit my situation and I cried, but then we're not even close she's a friend of a friend so what would she know and why would she even care about my life so it probably wasn't about me but hurt anyway) and then I just feel stupid.

I know why it is it's cos of him, (father of children wanted space in May and cheated lots found out at Xmas and is now seeing someone) and that I've let him turn me into a stranger to myself it means he's won and I am a nobody

That's how I feel like a nothing, and I love my children they're the only reason I can drag myself out of bed but they need a mum who can be a good one and I feel like I'm not giving them that when I struggle to get dressed and can't take them out and Im crying all the time, and there used to me crying which is worse.

It's my other sons birthday Sunday and I want to have a party but the thought of having people over makes me nervous and sick and panicky and then I feel guilty cos he should be able to see his friends,

 

Ever since sept I've felt worthless like a nothing, and even though I've had some good days since then, sometimes it will be a few good days in a row but all the while in the background is the cloud, and It comes back then I don't want to feel or think anymore, just want to shut down. my mind is my own enemy.

I'm scared to admit it because it means it's real and everyone will know that I can't cope and will tell me to stop being stupid and overdramatic, or I just need to deal with it or laugh at me because it's only a break up.

 

I'm stupid and a mess, everyone has struggles to deal with and mine aren't even serious so why can't I be strong like my friends and family, they've had much worse things to deal with, and I should be for the sake of my children but I feel like a zombie just numb but then on the other side I feel intense emotions that paralyse me. everyone says it gets better with time but I've been through so many tomorrow's and they just feel as hard as the next. it's like I've lost myself and I don't know where I'm hiding, I don't want to be a cloud anymore.

 

 

She's obviously diagnosed sever depression, had a talk with me and prescribed meds, have a follow up appointment next week.

 

Feelings so lost. I never thought id be the type of person to suffer this. I feel like a don't have the right too wen I've got so many good things. Is the paranoia and anxiety that joined up co exist with depression? Or are they three separate issues?

 

And all I keep thinking about is that I'm going through this whilst he is shacked up with his new piece that started whilst we were still hanging on, and he kept on seeing her all the way whilst he was playing happy families with me, he's probably there now, I know he stays over during the week, having meals going for drinks lots of sex, no thought for me (obviously) but absolutely no thought for our children, never texts how the are or to see them. He's done all this to me, so many women he cheated with and I was too blind to see it as we'd spent five mostly happy years together, I guess I never knew who he really was.

 

 

I feel like all this is slowly killing me. The hopelessness that I will never feel like me again is intense. Obviously I do know it will get better, and I do know time heals all wounds. I do know all this will make me stronger in years to come. But right now. The road is so long. At an all time low. Hope these meds kick in soon.

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I have felt exactly that way at times. Maybe worse. I wouldn't focus on if he's with someone else. I have learned something and that is we tend to be self defeating. I can almost assure you that you would not feel any better or different if he was home alone feeling miserable himself.

 

The fact that you went to the doctor and that you are writing here and that you love your kids so much tells me one thing. You are going to be just fine. You're just not there yet. In reality it's just a huge blow to the ego. It doesn't have much to do with 'love'.

 

You probably weren't really happy in that relationship and you may even end up moving on to another even better relationship in time. Anyway, i've been dealing with my own s*** for months now. From a guys perspective it's pretty much the same. Keep your head up!

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