Why do they come back if they aren't going to put the effort in?

[rebellefleur]

It's been a couple months since i've spoken to my ex, but tonight i just feel really sad, confused, and emotional. I keep thinking about how it all happened the same way it always does and how i hate myself for giving someone the power to come back to me...6 times. I just can't understand it. The last time he came back, he left a really sincere letter on my car windshield, telling me how he took me for granted and he knows he didn't try all those other times...only for me to let him in again and take me for granted all over again.

 

It always went the same way, the first week or so would be good but then i would just notice how little effort he was actually putting into things. He would call me "babe" and somehow think that was trying to make us work or putting in the effort. He never made time for me, took me out, did nice things for me, showed me anything at all...but then when i would confront him on how i felt like this was a big joke to him, we would end up in a fight where he would tell me i was forcing things. I just don't understand it. If you're going to come back to someone, why wouldn't you be pulling all stops to make them happy, feel safe, feel like you mean it? It would always go the same way. Then we'd end up fighting all the time, and he would blame me for starting the fights when i only ever started a fight over how little effort he was making, how he was never making time, how i felt like there was no love or appreciation for me, how i felt so insecure in this. It would all just get progressively worse and worse until it came down to him wanting to leave. I'll never forget the last day. I cried my eyes out, telling him how i felt so taken for granted and how he could never say he wanted me, and that's all i ever wanted. All he could say back was "well i don't know if i want this, i don't know what this is, but it makes me unhappy." And then he would ignore me all day, every call, every text, while i just sobbed my eyes out alone and he was out with his friends or doing god knows what.

 

I just don't get it. I don't get how he can be the one to come back every single time, but then he's the one to claim that he's unhappy and wants to leave, that he doesn't care about this. What a slap in the face. And he always, always blamed me for starting fights with him over "stupid" things, when so many of my fights came from feeling insecure. He never treated me like i was worth anything. And his reasoning was always "i can't, how am i supposed to when all we do is fight?" but he treated me like that since day one.

 

I don't know why i'm dwelling on this. I wish i just had some answers. Why come back if you aren't going to try and love that person?

[Iggy5129]

He probably loves the drama but doesn't want to be in an actual relationship. Instead of wasting time being sad with him just stick out the break up and find someone better who won't break up with you SIX times. That's not a stable, loving relationship. He's not capable of giving that to you.

 

Focus on yourself, regain your power. You can and will find someone that will actually like you and want to put in the effort.

[greta96]

It may be an ego thing, to reassure himself that he's still "got it", he can still pull you in and he still has power over you.

At least that's how I explained it to myself when my ex did the same thing to me - and I took him back 4 times. He would be the one to come back, only to barely stay in touch with me, do the minimum necessary to even keep the contact going, always cancelling dates and never doing anything of substance for me. Then he'd end it for some ridiculous reason, then come back months later... and I took him back every time, because there was something about him I couldn't resist.

 

I'm pretty sure now I know better and I wouldn't give him another chance, but I'm also lucky I don't bump into him anymore as often as I used to. You have to be strong and next time he tries to come back, do not engage.

[thatdevilsblue]

sounds very similar to my ex and i, she broke up with me 4 times, came back to me 3 times...except, honestly, my ex did appreciate me seemingly more than yours apparently did and i did mean alot to her, i was her first everything...but i do feel now that she mostly came back because she missed me (not the only reason she came back, but a huge main reason)...she put in a decent amount of effort in the relationship, especially me being her first serious one, but she didn't put near as much as i did...and i am guilty of taking her back everytime too, because i loved her, missed her, was hoping things would be different and she wouldn't just give up on the relationship and myself whenever something "bothered" her or whenever there was a bump in the road, which wasn't fair, and well, i wanted her back all those times too...

 

yeah, she still misses me, what we had, was even on board for a few days to even trying a 4th time back in December right before xmas, after convincing her previous months before and her not wanting to with the same fear she still has now, that we'll just end up back where we are now, which i understand, but she's compared me left and right to other guys, whether they be guys shes liked before me or guys of potential interest since we've been apart since April, and shes admitted none of them compare to me, and thats great and all for me, but what else am i supposed to do with that if she doesn't want to try again and actually stick by my side? can't really do much with it except be thankful for the compliment, and the phrase...

 

i tried and tried convincing her during this break up multiply times to try once again and was only able once to convince her to try again with a new approach and it lasted only a few days before she changed her mind...the previous break ups she came back, without me having to really do any convincing...so i can't initiate contact with her anymore and for now just move the hell on, with no expectations, no waiting around, ect....maybe shes sorting things out in her head, is just really confused, and maybe she'll change her mind, maybe she won't....perhaps its better i just move on already and find someone else who will give me way more than she ever did,and appreciate me even more and won't do this "on and off, i miss you, lets get back together, lets not, lets move on, don't know what i want" bulls***...as much as i miss her, what we had and how much she means to me still...

 

you're definitely better off without your ex though...you deserve someone who won't do that crap to you at all...the "On/Off" BS gets old, tiresome and ridiculous...

[lavenderdove]

>>If you're going to come back to someone, why wouldn't you be pulling all stops to make them happy, feel safe, feel like you mean it? Why come back if you aren't going to try and love that person?

 

Because you're both missing the point. Getting back together is meaningless if you don't fix the original problems that caused the split. And you have to really understand what those problems are so that you can work on fixing them. If all you have are these impulsive breakups after a fight, then get back together with no plan as to how you are going to stop whatever the friction is that is causing these fights, then it won't work. You can have 'love' emotions for someone, but what makes a relatioship work in the end is how well you fit together, how compatible you are, whether you have the same goals and values, whether your personalities mesh well together, and whether you can spend time together without irritating each other via repeated fights and bickering.

 

So you're counting on 'love' or a 'feeling' to fix this, and that is not the issue. Your problem is this: 'but then when i would confront him on how i felt like this was a big joke to him, we would end up in a fight where he would tell me i was forcing things.' He's a guy who is not interested in 'pampering' you, taking you out, making time for you. What he probably wants is a GF who is around when he's in the mood for sex, but otherwise he wants to go off and do his own thing. So these fights you have with him are serving their purpose for him. They buy him time and space to do what he wants without having to answer to you. Then when enough time has passed to where he gets lonely or horny, he's back again. So he's not coming back to try to turn into a different person than he is, he is coming back to pick up some sex and attention til he's had his fill, then he's gone again, and rinse and repeat!

 

And here's something really important: you seem to think you can argue him into 'feeling' more for you, that he just doesn't feel or want. His ACTIONS are clearly showing you that he's not the guy you want him to be, and the repeated breakups show he has no intention of trying to be that person, just disappears for a while when the fighting gets too hot to handle. His ACTIONS show he's not romantic, not tender, not interested in being the man you want. And he's so far away from being the man you want you constantly fight with him trying to push him in the direction of the man you want him to be, that he just isn't... All the fighting/pressuring/crying in the world can't change someone else's personality if they don't want to change or don't agree with you, so it is a pure waste of time and solves nothing.

 

So now this is your task: accept him exactly as he is now and decide whether you can tolerate that and stop fighting with him or not. What you see is what you get. He's made it clear this is who he is and that he doesn't feel the need to change. Can you live with him exactly as he is, with the little time, little effort etc.? Becasue that is who he is and he's proven it to you many times, and the getting back together is nothing more than him getting lonely and horny and swinging by to pick up a little companionship and sex. Then he's right back being exactly the man that he is, and you are who you are, and you don't really even LIKE this guy if you're constantly fighting wtih him.

 

So honestly, rather than beating your head against this rock a million more times, take the initiative and just let the next break up stick, and go look for a new guy who is attentive, loving, wants to spend time with you. Quit treating him like a fixer upper project... that just never works if he's not interested in changing, and he obviously isn't!

[sharky988]

Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? There's a whole chapter about guys like your ex.... they're dissatisfied in the relationship because deep down they don't think you're The One, they think they can do "better" so they break up, then they start feeling lonely/bored/horny/scared of being alone.... so they come back. Over and over, as long as you let them.

 

Six times is enough, don't you think? Make sure you've got him blocked, everywhere -- online and off. Like Lavenderdove says above, set yourself free for good so you can heal and meet someone who DOES think you're The One!