What is wrong with me why do i try so hard to ruin good things?

[newdeli]

I had the same problem with my ex and had thought I fixed a lot of what was the problem...

I'm so confused its not low self esteem or insecurity rather I'm very secure and hate that depending on someone emotionally, its almost as if I do anything or say something I know will cause pain and dampen the relationship!?

I know how to push every button and don't know why I do it regardless of loving this person and wanting to be with them. I'm so afraid but have no idea how to combat the fear that causes me to go off and do what it takes to ruin things.

when I get into that fight zone I know exactly what to say that will cause the most pain, I've been with my partner for a while now and we're having a baby for Christ sake, he wants the baby and loves me and actually wants to be a part of the kids life after he's born. I know this. I KNOW this, but yesterday to hurt him for my fear of him not wanting to be with me I sent him reasons as to why I'd want to put the baby up for adoption because I don't want to be a mother blah blah blah... everything I could use to hurt him I sent it in a text about wanting more out of my life and not just wanting to be constricted by having a baby so young, when that's not the result I will get because at this time we both have some measure of stability and family willing to help. so regardless of having the baby we'd be able to still go on with our lives and yield productivity..

 

I use words like knives and I don't know why, I've always been good at that. but I don't like the feeling afterwards because just as I know I hurt people I hurt myself but inside I want to build a barrier and protect myself from the inevitability of pain. I did the same with my ex and hadn't done It with my current bf I never felt the fear and now being pregnant that fear is only amplified because In the end I know Im weak, I'm unable to allow someone to love me or accept it even though I love them dearly. Its like a constant struggle and I see the logic and irrational behavior but can not correct this "fear" I know my childhood was very dysfunctional I watched my father abuse my mother mentally and physically and in her later relationships the same thing. I think I'm extremely mentally abusive, I know trigger points because I'm intelligent I can say what I know will hurt the most exactly causing direct pain, but why? why do I push those that I love so far? why am I not able to let go of that fear? Sometimes I'll catch myself thinking of all the negative possible outcomes and I'll think of something to combat that possible negativity thus inflicting emotional pain onto the one person who's actually there for me and the one person I love.

This was just yesterday, I've had no other instances in this relationship where I've caused pain or worry but this is how it all starts, first its the fear that creeps in then my reaction and anger onto the person I love.

Positive mindset I try this, not allowing fear to conquer the only weakness is fear itself, I know this logic.... I practice this logic sometimes.... I think there's something deeply rooted and I can't find it and know for the sake of my relationship I need to find what the direct cause is and then work further on it, childhood being stupid is no excuse and logically I don't see it as having been a reason so WHY??

I know nobody on this sight is a psychologist I used to see one as a child sooo should probably begin seeking further help before I die alone an old bitter cat lady.

[Mishmon]

It's a form of insecurity. You feel very secure as long as you don't depend on anybody else. You fear intimacy and you use harsh words to point that out. It's like screaming out loud "i'm not ready for this" You need to learn to take emotional risk or you will indeed end up bitter.

 

The reason why you pick to say things to hurt him might be because you don' feel worthy or up to the task, if he glorifies you and has higher opinion about you then you yourself do. You are basically trying to prove your point by hurting him as an attempt to validate your own feelings. Try finding other way to validate those feelings. This attitude seems to crave rejection rather then acceptance. You don't fear rejection, you fear opening up and being vulnerable. You basically decided that there is an expiration date somewhere in the future and you can't just enjoy and accept love between now and that unknown date. You are pushing people who love you far back because you are aware of the fact that they are taking emotional risk you are not willing to take yourself. You push them far away because deep down you know that you do not need them.

 

IMO - there is no happily ever after, nobody and i mean NOBODY is happy forever. Nobody stays forever together. People just don't live long enough for everybody to split. I'm pretty sure if humans lived long enough eventually every couple would come to an end. However we should live for the moment, somewhere down the road we might split, but that shouldn't disable us from opening our hearts and sharing what ever it is that we are made of. You don't want to spend a life running from potential disappointments. We create our own future, and we are doing it now.

 

ps: just out of curiosity, did you grow up with both parents?

[newdeli]

I didn't grow up with either of my parents... my mother was a school teacher and had to work and by the time HS came around she had a relationship with her boyfriend and they were never really "there" so I was basically on my own balancing school and work.. Father well he wasn't there to begin with he went from alcoholic to MIA then at sixteen every couple months I'd see him for a few days. So nope.

[Mari]

You do need a psychologist and something more than just this forum. There could be a lot of reasons why this is happening.

 

Perhaps because you saw your mom get abused you figured that had she not been so dependent on men then that wouldn't have happened. So now you make sure you will never be in a vulnerable dependent position. But that is what love is. Everyone can be independent, but when you love you create dependencies for the other person and they create the same for you. People make mistakes and fail from meeting your needs from time to time so it is important to forgive and overlook but the benefit you get from this is awesome.

 

The other thing that could be happening is that you are angry at your dad still. If your anger for your dad is spilling into this relationship you could be treating this bf the way you felt your mom should've treated your dad and showed him how she's not dependent on him and doesn't need him.

 

Lastly your self worth seems to be shot from the lack of love from your parents. If you don't feel you are worthy of love you're just wondering when he's going to realize that you were never worthy of love. But the reality is that everyone has some value always. We don't even know you and we considered it worth our time to respond to you. Your bf knows you very well and he considered it worth his time to have a baby with you. You have to rebuild your self esteem. There is much in this life to be grateful for, if you start counting your blessings, it will help to change you to a positive person. Then things should come easier.