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Anyone have insight on a confusing situation?


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Sorry if this is long. It's been about 8 months since breaking up with the only guy I've ever loved. So, it was quite significant. It has been difficult indeed. I feel part of me will always love him. I've dated and such, but I'm never interested in anyone. This is not because of him however, I've had this problem even before I met him. Anyway, it was a rather complicated situation. We met one night while I was visiting his city (we lived 45 mins by plane from each other) and it was just boom-like magic. We instantly had this crazy bond almost like love at first site. But, I didn't think much of it as I had only known him one day and we lived in different places. However, a few days later I came to work and was shocked to see that he had messaged me there! He apparently tried to text me, but had my number wrong. Tried to find me on facebook but was not able to, and so then googled me, found where I worked and checked that I had an email there. He said he had never done that for a girl before, and I believed him. Normally, I would have been like-stalker! But I really liked him and we basically never stopped talking and carried on for a year despite the distance etc. I can't go into all the details obviously, but we had a rare connection and love for each other. I was even going to move to his city to study and so we could be together properly, and he gave every indication that he was thinking of me in the future and that I was special. I deeply unconditionally loved him. That fact even scared me a bit.

 

Well, then tragedy struck. He has trauma in the past that has it difficult for him to trust people, and let people get close etc. And like me, is never really interested in anyone ever. Which made our closeness even more significant. Something happened where he ended up accusing me of being secretive, hiding things from him, and that he was asking himself if he did really know me, and that he couldn't continue it. I was needless to say upset, I explained he had it all wrong and he seemed to accept that, but still acted wounded and told me that he just couldn't regardless. He said that he had to make a decision with his mind, not his feelings, and that he wanted to avoid any potential future pain. We lived in different places still, and what if something went wrong. That he felt very bad and was finding it impossible not to think about, but he had to end it. That it was 'easier' for him to think more detached in order to deal with this with me. I was devastated. I didn't want it, but I said goodbye to him anyway. I told him I loved him, that I wanted him to be happy and have a wonderful life, even if I wasn't in it, and even though that would hurt me. And I meant it. He didn't say goodbye.... I thought this was probably his 'mind over feelings' stuff. I had no emotional closure though. I can't go into every detail, but I was left very confused, and with a million unanswered questions. I started to wonder if he ever really did care, if the whole thing was some kind of joke and I imagined it all. I just didn't know what to feel or how to think. I just could not believe that he could be a bad person though, and I didn't know how he could do that to me.... Yes, I messaged him a handful of times. But there was nothing hysterical or mean or begging etc. I even told him in the end that I accepted it, even though it hurt and he must have done what he thought he had to do, even though it felt unfair to me and I feel he should have had more faith in the situation and me. I never heard back and therefore assumed he was ignoring me. Even though it was possible he never even saw them, as they were emails and he literally only emailed me, so he may just not have gone in them since he left for all I knew. I thought that if we did care though, we could probably be friends. Then, something else happened however. Something of a personal sensitive matter that I can't say, but that directly involved him and it was important, he needed to know. It also proved that I never was hiding anything from him. So I tried to get in touch to let him know. But I wasn't able to. Then I checked on facebook, which we actually never were friends on there, and discovered I had been blocked! It felt so hostile towards me. I wondered, did he hate me in the end? Or is this his mind over feelings trying to deal with getting on with his life? It just felt so insulting, like he thought I was some kind of stalker, which I would never do. And rich coming from someone who actually did track me like a stalker! Right? And we never were friends on there anyway, so why would he feel the need to do that?

 

I finally sent him a text letting him know I had to tell him something and that I wrote it in an email to him. In the email I also explained that I just wanted there to be peace between us, that I hoped he didn't have bad feelings towards me, and I didn't towards him. I asked him to please reply so that I knew he was aware of what happened. So I would know that he received it and it was important info, I had a tracer put on the email. It has notified me that he has looked at it twice, but not yet replied. It has only been almost 2 days, but if he doesn't at all, I'll be so hurt, thinking he does have a grudge against me after all. Hasn't it been enough time that he wouldn't feel so strongly about it? I'm so confused. Maybe I'm sentimental and silly, but it's like on 'Pride and Prejudice' when she thinks Darcy hates her and is ignoring her and she says 'I cannot bear the thought of him being out in the world and thinking badly of me.' I just can't. This situation was very intense for me and we didn't end hating each other or yelling or anything. It wasn't because we didn't care, but the stupid circumstances. Or was he upset with me after all thinking I did something wrong? I didn't know why we couldn't be on good terms unless he really did have bitterness towards me. Yes, I know he's my ex, but you just don't 'get over' something like that. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and if we both cared, it seems such a tragic waste and stupid misunderstanding. I know several people who are married and love their partners, but also still love their 'one true love' that got away. I surely don't want to end up like that! I do miss him, and would rather have him back, but I am not trying to manipulate talking about the past with him, or trying to win him back or any such. I just need to know he doesn't hate me, and that things are cool between us. Please don't tell me to get a grip and move on or such. I'm living my life and I don't sit around all day pining over him. It's not like that. But I do still love him. Anyway, for me, making peace with your past is vital. And part of the reason this happened after all was him not making peace with his own past and thinking people will hurt him and that things will always go wrong. If you don't confront it and make peace, it comes back to bite you and becomes a cycle of pain being passed from person to person. I don't want that. I want to end the cycle.

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I forgot to add that what made it even stranger, was that I remembered that I did try a few times to find him on facebook soon after we met, as he said he tried to find me, and wasn't able to. (I had no profile photo at that time) I did a thorough search, and was unable to find him. Now, my friend searches for him and finds him at the top of the list, but I get nothing still. And she sent me the link which I was not able to access. (How I know I'm blocked). But if that's the case, then he had me blocked while we were together.... ?? Why in the world would someone do that? And kinda crazy from a guy who accuses me of hiding things. Try to find me, and then block me while we knew each other? Plus why not block me on emails and his phone then now? As those were the contacts I already had for him, and not facebook. I can't get my head around it.... Feel like there must be some kind of mistake.

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Usually those who accuse for no reason are guilty of the action they are accusing you of themselves.

It's a sort of inner reflection maybe, of knowing what they are capable of (and how easy it was for them) and therefore how easy it would be for you to do the same to them.

Take for example the facebook blocking. He knows he searched all over the web for you to get in touch with you. Therefore he expected you to do the same thing (and actually, you kind of did)

 

Again, the secretive accusations toward you vs. the facebook blocking all along. He was being secretive himself.

 

I think once the pressure was on for you to move over there to study he began to panic and threw out a few reasons why he could no longer be in a relationship with you.

Long distance relationships are successful when both parties keep each other up to date in their lives as much as possible. I know some couples who prefer not to have each other added, however to go as far as blocking someone is purposely going out of his way to hide you/his life. That is an immediate red flag.

 

The fact is you knew him for a day - in real life. Every other version of him you knew was internet-him. The internet personality of someone can be extremely different to them in real life. Internet personalities can be tailored to your satisfaction, parts can be edited, and messages can be planned. He can be whoever he wants to be.

The fact is, for all you know he has a wife and children back home and you were simply his fantasy relationship for when he felt like an escape.

You didn't know this man, but you loved the idea of him and the personality of him that he put forward to you. This doesn't make your heart break any less trivial, because you are still getting over a person you love. However, dwelling on the hows and whys of the situation is only going to set you back.

Don't compare your life to the fictional happenings of Pride and Prejudice, either. Usually when it is "love at first sight", and "boom-like magic" it is not going to be strong enough to last.

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Yes, Poppa, he had a trauma in childhood where he didn't want to live anymore. Very sad. His parents he loves and it wasn't to do with them however. To CeeLabrini though, I get what you're saying, but you seem to have misunderstood, my fault as I didn't want to go on and on about all the details. We visited each other a lot in person. The distance was not that far. I met his parents, his friends, etc. I know pretty much everything about his life, work, schooling, etc. So I did indeed know him very well. He was the one that kept asking me about moving over there though! lol I thought he was starting to get impatient wondering if I ever would! And though we had that 'love at first sight' thing, our affection grew over time definitely. It didn't wane. That wasn't what happened.... The FB thing I have no explanation for. Perhaps his distrustful nature leads him to hide that from people till they are 'official'. (like when I moved there and we could properly be 'together') I really don't know. Or yeah, as you said, in this day and age, you can kinda know too much about people sometimes. I've never dated anyone that I added to my facebook. I tend to keep romance out of that. But any number of things is possible. The whole thing is just so weird and upsetting. Yes, he admitted that he has these issues, and acknowledged the hypocrisy of being guarded when he wanted others to open up to him. He was not a super 'easy' person to deal with. But I loved him anyway. I made it sound like most of our time was like this, but in fact it wasn't. Most of it was lovely. Makes what happened even harder to come to terms with. I do know that he was not lying about deciding with his mind and not his feelings though. He is that way totally. Everyone who knows him is aware of this fact. Some people think he's incapable of deeper feelings, but he's not, just afraid. I don't rule out that he could have gotten scared, made excuses and ran. But I just cannot make my heart believe he didn't really care. he said it wasn't anything to do with how he felt about me, and I believed that. And I think he'll regret it. it's just that as much as I believe that deep down, I keep questioning it also. Like, what if he was some bad person who conned and used me. Because it was all just so upsetting and strange. But I just can't believe it! I make myself crazy wondering. How could he not answer after being told something so important though? Maybe he feels guilty after accusing me like he did. I don't know. I wish he would just talk to me, friendly, and we could maybe heal this once and for all....

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Oh, I also know of friends who blocked their exes because they didn't want to see them 'moving on with their lives', it was too painful. I can understand that. I'm not saying that's what he did, but as we did live in other places, maybe he just didn't want to know who I was doing things with all the time. Most of my mates are guys and he knew that. Oh, I just don't know....

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It won't let me edit my replies! I wanted to just reiterate how ridiculously integrated we were into each other's lives considering the distance, and that we couldn't see each other often. I spent a lot of time at his parent's and other places, and knew tiny details about his day to day living. Indeed he readily admitted that he told me things, showed me things, took me places that he really doesn't anyone else. He even said most of his friends didn't even know where his parent's house was! But then the FB thing.... Even when we weren't together, we were talking loads everyday about everything under the sun. Maybe you can see how the whole thing just has me so confused. lol I don't understand why he won't talk to me, unless he is holding a grudge. The other trauma Poppa, was that he had an ex, this was years ago, that was a total psycho. According to him and others, so verified! That constantly lied, cheated, and became a drug addict. He's kinda paranoid I guess. He made comments about people saying not to trust me once, and I was like- Hey, ha ha, that's not funny. And then he played if off like it was just a joke, but I was thinking, right, there are elements of truth in your 'joking'. I never hid things from him, but I did DELAY telling him things, only because they were painful to talk about. I explained he had it all wrong and it wasn't what he thought, but perhaps he really doesn't believe me? Perhaps he's just too wounded? Maybe he thinks what I've recently told him, I'm just making up? Like a sad excuse to try and rekindle things? I just don't know, but I talk to all my exes. Some of them we were so nasty to each other at first! But then we calmed down and it was like, hey, sorry for everything, how's it going? You know? We never even really argued, me and him. So why the complete cut off? I know it does not good to torture myself with it. I just wished none of this had happened.

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