No sex drive left...

[Roxie84]

I am feeling a little trapped recently.

 

In simple terms, I am almost 28 and have had nothing but negative experiences where dating is concerned. I won't go into the details of how or why (we'll save that for another day). But if my inner-psych evaluations are correct, I believe that all the heartbreak and negative experiences I've had have turned me into a non-sexual person.

 

I used to be a little jack rabbit - I wanted sex all the time. I am extremely open minded, and the slightest bit of sexual energy would have me turned on for days.

 

When I was 25 I met someone and had a regular (absolutely amazing) sex with him for the 5 months that we dated. When I discovered that he had been dating/sleeping with other women, I felt complete hate and rage. I never acted so poorly in my life. I actually sat at a bar, drunk for 3 hours sending him non-stop texts about how much I hated him, and how I would never trust another man again. That was the last heartache I would ever allow myself to have.

 

I never wanted to turn into that monster again.

 

In the last two years, I have lost all desire for sex. I had sex three times - once was a one night stand with a friend (it was exciting, but I was not turned on and I bled). Another time was with the guy I lost my virginity to. We are still friends, so we did it one night just for fun. Again, I was excited, but not physically reacting to the excitement, and I bled.

 

I then met a man I was crazy about. We spent almost every day together for the past year. Among a lot of confusion and mixed signals, I found myself falling in love with him. Then our friendship ended when I confessed my feelings to him, and he entered a relationship with someone he barely knew.

 

In an attempt to suppress the hurt, I decided to have a rebound. I traveled 2.5 hours to have a weekend getaway with my "first love." We got together after 6 years of being apart (a very long, complicated story). It was a great, romantic weekend. And the great news is, I didn't bleed. We talked about trying to start a relationship again now that we are older and more mature. Three weeks later, he called me drunk and high, telling me that he is not attracted to me and that I am fat and disgusting, he thinks I'm a , etc.

 

All desire for men, relationship and sex in general is gone.

 

I have opportunities for safe, harmless and enjoyable sex with a few of my good male friends. But I refuse. I meet new people very frequently, but I turn my head the second they say/do something that doesn't jive with me. I hardly ever become aroused. Any time I do get aroused and try using toys, I clench and cannot get anything inside without bleeding.

 

Sorry for the long read, but this is my situation. Has anyone been here before? Is there any techniques I can try to rebuild my confidence and allow myself to ever enjoy sex or trust a man ever again?

 

Thank you so very much for listening.

[faraday]

Have you tried using lube?

 

It sounds like you have some letting go to do. Most men are good...and when you can let go of the few that haven't been good to you, you'll start attracting good men to you.

[happpybear]

I think you have been through a lot of crap by very sh**ty people (and sorry that you had to experience that), I am not surprised that you are having issues. I agree with Farady that you need to let go of this stuff. I can totally understand having no sex drive after a break-up or awful relationship situation which you have been through multiple times. I am like that too, after my last two break-ups (they were also d-bags) I was done with men and sexy feelings for months. It wasn't until I had dealt with my emotions and the negative feelings and started noticing men and getting crushes that I started to feel sexual again. Maybe you just need more time to heal from it. Perhaps you are placing too much pressure on yourself to be more sexual, which causes anxiety and then your body clamps down.

 

The fact that you bled after sex those two times, tells me that you were forcing it, and you weren't ready emotionally. Anxiety (even a little bit) really can cause your body to clamp down. I bet if you were to have a romp with one of your guy-friends right now you would bleed too, because your not emotionally ready for it. The lack of sex-drive is probably your body's way of telling you have some work to do inside--emotionally, to process your hurt.

 

How long ago did this happen:

 

In an attempt to suppress the hurt, I decided to have a rebound. I traveled 2.5 hours to have a weekend getaway with my "first love." We got together after 6 years of being apart (a very long, complicated story). It was a great, romantic weekend. And the great news is, I didn't bleed. We talked about trying to start a relationship again now that we are older and more mature. Three weeks later, he called me drunk and high, telling me that he is not attracted to me and that I am fat and disgusting, he thinks I'm a , etc.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you've had very few relationships with men and the men you chose haven't treated you properly. The good news is -it's only a very few men so please try not to generalize. As far as sex I'd put that to the side for now and focus on getting to know men through dating where you're affectionate, enjoy feeling attracted to the person and act on it at a reasonable pace. I would not have more casual sex as a response to how you're feeling -I think that just makes it worse.

[laninaperdida]

This could be way out there, but have you ever considered a female-female relationship?

I went through a similar phase (men just did nothing for me), but after I had a very close (non-sexual, lol) relationship with a girl (we're besties) I sort of... came out of my shell & had a DESIRE to be with people.

Women are emotional lovers... We need to be porked emotionally before we can enjoy it physically & it sounds like you've been deprived of some serious affection.

Why not focus on getting close with your girlfriends, sexual or otherwise?

[ThatwasThen]

How old are you, Op?

 

First I'd get myself checked out to see why you bleed every time something is inserted into your vagina (including at your own hand/speed/pressure even) then, once anything dangerously physical was ruled out, I'd ask the doctor for a referral to a good therapist in order to get to the bottom of your aversion to sex.

 

If you're young then definitely get yourself to the docs asap. If you're menopausal then still get physically checked out and include a hormone check to see if your fluids need topping up or something.

 

In any event, there is no need for you to be going through all this so start to end your current state of mind with a check of your equipment.

[PaintWithLight]

How old are you, Op?

 

First I'd get myself checked out to see why you bleed every time something is inserted into your vagina (including at your own hand/speed/pressure even) then, once anything dangerously physical was ruled out, I'd ask the doctor for a referral to a good therapist in order to get to the bottom of your aversion to sex.

 

If you're young then definitely get yourself to the docs asap. If you're menopausal then still get physically checked out and include a hormone check to see if your fluids need topping up or something.

 

In any event, there is no need for you to be going through all this so start to end your current state of mind with a check of your equipment.

 

^^^This. Especially if you ended a relationship where know your partner was unfaithful, step 1 is getting checked to make sure all thing is okay with you. At least then, you can move forward from a place of having control over your body and being responsible for your own health.

[Roxie84]

Thank you for taking the time happybear. The weekend getaway happened last July (2013). However I have been feeling non-sexual for almost 3 years now..

 

You are very right, I often say that I feel as though my nerves are shot.

[Roxie84]

And thank you everyone for your responses. I am currently 28, so I definitely shouldn't be looking at the end of my sexual existence.

 

Although I was using protection with the person who was unfaithful, I suppose getting checked out is never a bad idea