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Boyfriend cheated on me with a man.


MooMooCow

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Last night I could hardly sleep all night and got about 3 hours of sleep throughout the night. I woke up in the morning and my boyfriend hopped in the shower. I had a really weird urge to check his phone (which this was the first time I ever had) and I founded messages between him and a random number that had no name on it. I quickly read them and some had stated, "Do you have any condoms?", "What is your address?", and "Hurry my girlfriend will be here in an hour." I was livid and started putting my stuff in the car. When he got out of the shower I left without a goodbye and 10 seconds later he was texting asking what was wrong. I ignored the calls and told him what I had seen and told him the relationship wasn't going to work out. He was over at my place within 10 minutes and wanted to "explain" everything to me. So I let him. We went inside and he was shaking and in his face you could see confusion and sadness. He admitted to have sexual desires with a man and these feelings have plagued him way before he even met me (we have been dating almost a year and have known him for years before). He said that he didn't walk to talk about it with anyone because they may judge him differently and I would leave him. Mind you, the day after the messages were sent between him and a man I had openly asked if he would like to have a threesome with another female because it has always been a fantasy of mine and he was ok with it. Well, he gave into his desire and had sex with a man... in house... probably where we have had sex. Ugh. He said that he knew it was wrong and afterwards he had felt disgusted with himself and would of told me within a week because he had felt so wrong with keeping it in and that he did it to finally get rid of the feelings he was having and to clear his mind of the thoughts because he wants to be able to give me his all and not forever keep thinking and having these urges that would hold him back from satisfying me mentally, emotionally, and sexually.

 

My question is... what is the right way to react and/or how would you react? Is he telling the truth? Should I be able to trust him? I just need to know what to do. We talked about it and I cried and everything that anyone would do but I did tell him I believed him about it being a weird desire and just being intrigued with. I, also, told him that he was in the wrong and I didn't care if it was a man or woman he still cheated on me and it isn't going to be easy to just get over or even something that will leave my mind anytime soon. He told me that he didn't enjoy it and that it played out differently in his head and that it would never happen again and later that day he had that same look of sadness in his face and admitted to loving me and if I were to leave him that he understood and he would understand because he wants me happy and not to be hurt, scared, and thinking about the wrongdoing. We had a really deep talk and I went through emotional phases where I was upset and sad... then the next day I really thought about it and I became angry, hateful, and sarcastic. Today... I am just blah... don't feel like much because I am afraid if I do I will just say hateful things that I don't mean just to get the anger out. (I started typing this the 26th and had to go to work and it is now the 28th.... if anyone got confused).

 

Opinions, thoughts, and any help is very much appreciated. Do not be afraid to speak your mind because I am very open minded and am asking for the help. I, also, apologize that it was so long and thank you for taking the time to read it and help me. You all have a good day... I am attempting too... every emotion and disgusting thought at a time. *Sigh*

 

XOXO

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As far as im concerned he cheated on you, and you have no REAL way of knowing it wont happen again. It's the same reason i won't get back together with an ex unless i see a significant change in personality, the guy he is right now is not the kind of guy you want to be dating he needs to become a better man, that's just my opinion though.

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His sexuality and desires are concern here, but what is more of a concern is that he sought out another person, planned an affair, and cheated on you. The fact that the other person is a guy is no reason to stay with him simply because he wanted to "act" on his desires. To me, he is obviously bisexual but it doesn't mean he should be feeling deprived of the other sex whilst in a relationship with anybody. It's like a straight guy saying he has desires for women with big breasts and therefore has a right to cheat because his partner has A-cups.

That's my opinion anyway. I think the whole "it will never happen again" and "I am now disgusted with myself" is what any cheater would throw out there when they have been caught red handed.

If he feared you breaking up with him for his "desires", then why did he take the risk in actually cheating on you behind your back?

This was clearly something he planned on never telling you, be thankful that you found out. And also take note that you were insecure enough with his behaviour that you had an urge to check his phone, you already had a feeling something was up.

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Agree with the others, it's not the fact he slept with a guy, it's the fact he went to a level of detailed planning that means A) he knew what he was doing was wrong all along and B) he went along with it anyways, even to the point of telling the guy to hurry up before you got home. Of course he's going to cry and put on the sad act, he got caught. And it's not like you're not open to experimenting since yeah, when you talked to him about a threesome right there is when he should have told you about his fantasy and you both could have worked it out. In a way, that makes his own excuses even less convincing since if he wasn't going to leave you for wanting to get together in a threesome with another woman then why on earth would he think you'd leave him if he wanted to check out some other guy. If it even is another guy, which you don't really know.

 

Go get yourself tested for STDs because even if he says he used a condom you have no way of knowing and can't trust what he says. And I'm telling you to do that regardless of who he slept with, man or woman. His actions place you at risk as well as himself and the fact that he did it in your bed, doubly horrible. It means he bought a total stranger into your house and what would have happened if the person were crazy or waited until you got home to do something to you too? Jeez this just gets worse no matter which way I look at it.

 

And the fact is he felt so compelled to go experiment that he went ahead and did it anyways, so yes my own gut instinct is he'll do it again since he seems to have poor impulse control. Also keep in mind this is just the time he got caught, you don't know what else he's been up to and the level of planning you detail him going through tells me it's not a first time and not something that "just happened." I'm sorry, but I think if you stay with him you're going to find history repeating itself.

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The problem I have with your boyfriend is he was sneaky, he wanted to have a sexual desire fulfilled that excluded you, and was willing to risk his relationship to get what he wanted. He knew the consequences of his actions if you found out, knew he was risking the complete loss of trust and the feelings of betrayal you would end up with, and went ahead with the idea of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." However, he gambled and lost, then says to you that he felt disgusted and would have told you about it within the week. Yep, straight out of the mouth of a liar, and if it were me, I wouldn't believe him. He is a selfish piece of shXX.

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Once trust is broken, it's very hard to get it back. Especially when we're not talking about a drunken one night stand but about something he planned and executed in your own house. The gender of the other person doesn't matter...to me, what he said about wanting to get rid of those feelings blah blah is just an excuse. What matters is that he cheated on you and it's not even like he told you himself...I bet he wouldn't have told you if you hadn't found those messages.

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Game over... sorry!

 

You've got a double problem here... first, he lied and cheated. So EVERYTHING he now says is suspect. All his justifications about why this happened, all his apologies, all his explanations that he would have told you etc. There is a very high probability that all of it is lies engineered to manipulate you because he is someone who is willing to lie and cheat. He could be meeting random strange men all the time and doing this, and doing it all along, and you wouldn't know it because you can't trust him and because he lies.

 

Second problem, he's cruising for guys. You don't know whether he is bi- and just a liar and cheat who also happens to be bi-, or whether he is really gay and is ashamed of that or wants to cover it up so he can live a more 'socially acceptable' life with the identity of being a straight man when really he is gay and just hasn't come to terms with it and come out. So even if you get past this and stay with him, there's a high probability that in another 5 or 10 or 20 years he could finally have the confidence to come out and quit using women as beards, and of course leave you and your family you may have by the time. That is a VERY common arc for gay men, where when young they marry and have a couple kids with a woman, then decide to stop living the lie and leave her for a male partner.

 

I suggest you end it now because of the dual risks. It's only been a year, and you need to find a male partner who isn't a liar/cheat and also one where there is no risk that he might be gay and refusing to acknowledge it to himself and the world.

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His excuses are BS. Leave him. He cheated on you. If he had half a brain, he'd know too that he seriously put your health at risk as gay men are at a much higher risk for contracting HIV than other parts of the population. Shame on him. Wanting to try it out is no excuse to cheat on your partner.

 

I'd be willing to bet money that if you took him back, he would still do it again. He is only sorry he got caught.

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There is just no healthy relationship left to selvage. I am deeply sorry that you have been wronged this way. I just hope that you love yourself enough to know how complicated and wrong this is, and leave him for good - never look back!

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The bottom line as others have pointed out is, he cheated on you. It being with a man is no better than it being with a woman. Even if it was with a woman you would still be angry at him.

 

Cheating is cheating. The relationship is profoundly broken.

 

But that he had sex with a man behind her back, means that he is at least bi or possibly gay. There is zero chance of happily ever after if he is into a different gender than the OP was led to believe! Uncovering this betrayal is a huge sign that he isn't the right partner for her.

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He admitted to have sexual desires with a man and these feelings have plagued him way before he even met me (we have been dating almost a year and have known him for years before).
Someone I was friends with a long time ago, this is essentially what happened to her. She married a guy who had had feelings like this, but he thought that if he got married, they would go away. They didn't, the law was involved at one point (think wide stance), he did wind up leaving her and their children for another man. It's very common for men to come out as they get older. Another acquaintance of mine just came out a few years ago, following the death of his father.

 

It's awful what he's done. It's terrible that he's lied to you and himself. But, he's done you a favour (in an awful way). It doesn't feel like it right now, and it won't for a while but it's far better you found this out now, then much later. He needs time to explore, he's not going to really come to terms with who he is if he continues to use women as a cover for "normality". And you deserve to be with someone who wants you and doesn't have half a mind on something else.

 

And I hate to say this, but get yourself tested for STDs. Whether it was a woman or a man, he cheated and he may not have been safe in his haste.

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and these feelings have plagued him way before he even met me still he decided to act on them when he was IN a relationship, that makes him a cheater, and his excuses are cheater excuses, nothing new.

great move with the things in the car, I would applaud you if I saw it!

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I am so very sorry this happened to you. It may have been a man he was with, but he did still cheat on you. He went behind your back and sought sexual satisfaction with another person. Some people will think because it was a man it's worse or less worse, but it is what it is. You need to leave and move on. He CLEARLY does not know what he wants or who he is as a person. Give him the space and time to do that and then for you, focus on yourself and find a man who has his sh*t together and is willing to give you all of him….and his loyalty.

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