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My boyfriend and I went out last night and had a few drinks. He's a social guy and usually talks to people when we're out. We were out quite late and ended up closing the bar. We were pretty much the only people in the place with the exception of a few others. The bartender was really nice and she chatted with us a lot. At first, we were both chatting it up with her and having a good time. But, then my boyfriend wouldn't stop talking to her the entire time we were there. I began to feel completely ignored. He continued talking to her even when she had her back to him/was occupied with other tasks. It was finally time to leave and she was going to lock the door after we left. She and my boyfriend ended up hugging -- she then gave me a hug. I just left there feeling really weird and hurt. I tried just sleeping on it hoping I'd feel better about it today. But even now, I just feel sad. I wasn't particularly threatened by her looks. But I just don't understand why he ignored me all night. Am I over reacting? Am I being jealous? My BF and I talked about it this morning. He feels bad that I'm feeling this way but doesn't really feel like he's done anything wrong. I'm open to suggestions/opinions.

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We weren't there all night. Didn't get there until late, spent about 2 hours there. I had spent the evening with him at his son's science fair, and had to deal with his ex wife who isn't particularly friendly. They don't get along at all, so it was a challenging night to begin with. It didn't matter though because I knew I was supporting him and I wanted to be there for him. We also spent the afternoon/evening with his parents to which I had to entertain while he was finishing up some work. I just felt like I had sacrificed for him all evening and I just wanted to go out and have a nightcap and relax and unwind together. I just felt really betrayed when he ignored me at the bar.

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Is it weird that they hugged? I was walking out ahead of him so I didn't see who initiated it. He says that she did. Maybe she did, because she then proceeded to give me a hug. I just feel so confused right now.

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Did you have anything to converse about? Sometimes it is refreshing to find someone new to talk to and you unintentionally lose track.

 

We were together all afternoon/evening but with others the entire time (i.e. his son, ex wife, parents). It would've been nice to talk about the events from the evening. He just seemed more interested in chatting with the bartender all night.

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We were together all afternoon/evening but with others the entire time (i.e. his son, ex wife, parents). It would've been nice to talk about the events from the evening. He just seemed more interested in chatting with the bartender all night.

 

What I mean is when you started to feel hurt did you get all quiet hoping your boyfriend will then shift from talking to her, to you?

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What I mean is when you started to feel hurt did you get all quiet hoping your boyfriend will then shift from talking to her, to you?

 

Yes, I'd say that I started to get quiet -- hoping he'd divert some attention onto me.

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Yes, I'd say that I started to get quiet -- hoping he'd divert some attention onto me.

 

Then yes, you overreacted. If you had said something to him or were talking to him but then got ignored, that would have been a different story. Although your feelings are warranted and understandable you should have addressed it then rather than get quiet. Be more vocal when something is bugging you, I promise you it will resolve any issue before it becomes an issue.

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Then yes, you overreacted. If you had said something to him or were talking to him but then got ignored, that would have been a different story. Although your feelings are warranted and understandable you should have addressed it then rather than get quiet. Be more vocal when something is bugging you, I promise you it will resolve any issue before it becomes an issue.

 

Okay, I can accept that. What about the whole hugging episode though?

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Okay, I can accept that. What about the whole hugging episode though?

 

It would bug me as well if I was in your shoes. However you said it yourself, she hugged you as well and no numbers were exchanged so I wouldn't worry about it. Chalk this up as an insecurity issue rather than a he messed up issue.

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It would bug me as well if I was in your shoes. However you said it yourself, she hugged you as well and no numbers were exchanged so I wouldn't worry about it. Chalk this up as an insecurity issue rather than a he messed up issue.

 

Alright. I'll do that. I'd never do that to him, though. It hurt me. I want to move past this but just feel like something is tugging at my heart.

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Alright. I'll do that. I'd never do that to him, though. It hurt me. I want to move past this but just feel like something is tugging at my heart.

 

I think it has more with you wanting to say something that night but being unable to than what he did; he didn't really do anything wrong in my opinion, how does he treat you outside of this incident?

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I get it, you're probably right. He treats me well -- tells me he loves me, is affectionate, has mentioned marriage. Just felt like I supported him all night. When we finally had some time alone, he was more interested in the bartender. I'll just have to let this go and move on. Thanks for listening...

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It sounds like he was thoughtless more than anything sinister. He probably had no idea that you were seeing it like you'd spent the day doing things to support him and now would have liked some quality attention from him. Men are sometimes different re things like this, and assume you'll be happy just that the two of you are together. If he had no lustful intentions towards the barmaid it probably wouldn't have occurred to him that you were resenting the attention he was giving her and feeling ignored. Saying something would have been better than going quiet, although I can understand that saying something might have been awkward and felt like you were putting a damper on the night. It was a difficult situation for you. I would probably have suggested going home earlier, as it would have seemed pointless sitting there being ignored for 2 hours. Men think differently than we do sometimes and can't be expected to read our minds.

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Talking to her is one thing but to ignore you is another. i can totally relate and its a horribke feeling. with so much having gone on that day and especially with you seeminly going out of your way to be involved in his affairs- it seems like a no brainer that he should have had somethjnf to talk about with you. if i was in your situation i would calmly bring it up and if he gets defensive i would start thinking about the relationship overall. sometimes alcohol will have affects like that on conversations though, so maybe take that into consideration.

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Yes, he was being disrespectful, but staying quiet in those situations is not a good thing either. Next time laugh and tell him, "Hey, let's let her get back to work, come on." And then grab his hand and lead him away. If he then insists on staying you have a big problem and it's time to tell him to end things, you're going home. And yeah, it's weird as H-E you know what to stay until closing time then hug the bartender. Ask your BF what he'd think if the roles had been reversed and it'd been a hot male bartender who you chatted up all evening until closing time then hugged.

 

Personally I'd be telling him it's not happening again or he can find someone else to babysit his parents and deal with the ex, because you'll be gone. Friendliness is one thing, but ignoring you to chat up a member of the opposite sex all night--not cool.

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I would definitely not be ok with this.

First of all, when you go out with your boyfriend, as opposed to going out with your boyfriend and a group of friends, for example, you go out with your boyfriend. Period.You may exchange a few pleasantries with other people around you but the focus should be on the 2 of you. That's also true, for me, when you're out with a friend. I consider it very rude to be out with someone and end up being ignored because they choose to talk to someone else. A word here and there = fine. Talk to a third person all the time and ignore you = not fine.

Second, the fact that telephone numbers weren't exchanged means nothing. He could easily drop by that bar on his own and take her number.

Finally, I'm concerned that he didn't realise that the way he behaved was wrong. It means that, in a similar situation, he may behave in exactly the same way.

Also, from what you said (he's divorced, he has a son) doesn't sound like he's some young guy who doesn't know better.

The way I see things, he acted like you were the boring, trustworthy girlfriend who he took to his son's science fair, had to deal with his ex wife, entertained his parents while he was doing other stuff but wasn't interesting enough to devote his time to her one on one and he needed an outside stimulation, so to speak, to have a good time...and it doesn't even have to be about him being attracted to her.

I don't know how long you've been with this guy but, if I were you, I would be very sceptical about the future of this relationship.

Being social is one thing...ignoring your girlfriend for some random girl is totally different.

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Since BF already knows how you feel, I'd take some time and decide whether I want to give him the benefit of a shot to make it up to me, or not.

 

If not, it makes no sense to linger with him and be mopey and sulky and keep raising it. How would that benefit you?

 

If you DO want to give him the benefit, then it also makes no sense to be mopey and keep raising it, because this will deprive you of valuable information--since he knows he messed up, how will he behave going forward without you altering the field of observation?

 

You can't get that answer by staying mired in the incident--you'll just keep feeling lousy and make him feel guilty, which will back him into a corner and turn him defensive and unable to change any future outcomes.

 

So make a choice one way or the other, but don't stay in the mud. If you want a second chance to observe whether he's learned better and will do better, then you need to offer the second chance without the cloud. Otherwise you can't 'see' what he'll do.

 

Also, for what it's worth, the ignoring part was thoughtless attention-seeking after the ex made him feel lousy--and that does suck, but the hug seems to be what really bothers you, and that's nothing. People hug all the time, and she hugged you, too. His hug just hit you the wrong way after the real offense, which was being taken for granted. However, you've made your point to him, and now you get to decide whether to stick around and see what he'll do with that.

 

In order to see clearly, neutralize your own behavior for an accurate picture, and observe. That means no sulking.

 

Head high.

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Thanks everyone for your opinions, they are welcomed and appreciated. It really kind of stinks the way everything happened. I'm feeling better today, but still just a little bummed out. Especially since he's been cheated on before and is somewhat hyper-sensitve when situations like this are on the other foot. He's gotten a little agitated before when a waiter was more friendly with me compared to him. Or once when he thought someone at a restaurant kept looking at me and BF thought we maybe had a "connection." I blew both recent instances off and redirected my attention to my BF. Was hoping he'd do the same -- especially since he's been cheated on in the past. Not sure if this is his way of getting back at me from instances that were beyond my control or if this was a way to make himself feel good. He's 10 years older than me -- just hoped that he could have the same level of respect for me that I have for him. When I told him that he ignored me all night, he initially wasn't in agreement. I then asked to recall 3 things we talked about. He came up with a commercial that was on t.v. (which we didn't talk about, it was just mentioned), a song that was playing (which I mentioned liking), and he then couldn't come up with a third thing we talked about. It's in the past, I guess I need to move on.

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Thanks for writing this. You are absolutely right, I need to either accept it and not mope around or remove myself from the situation until I'm ready to re-engage without the past looming over my head. Funny you say this because I kinda came to the same conclusion last night. I was supposed to hang out with BF and his son this morning/today. I instead removed myself from the plans until later this eve. I really adore his son and didn't want to go over there with a cloud over my head and in argumentive mode with my BF -- def. not fair to the little dude. I was actually supposed to spend the entire weekend with them, but decided to stay home last night and part of today. Hopefully things turn around and this can be put in the past.

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I get it, you're probably right. He treats me well -- tells me he loves me, is affectionate, has mentioned marriage. Just felt like I supported him all night. When we finally had some time alone, he was more interested in the bartender. I'll just have to let this go and move on. Thanks for listening...

 

I would let it go for now. If he repeats this behaviour then I would consider leaving. When you are with the one you love they are the object of your attention and desire. This isn't rocket science.

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I am more concerned about his non-apology: " I am sorry your feeling were hurt, but I did not do anything wrong."

 

Ugh. If my boyfriend told me he felt ignored, I would simply say, I am sorry and I will make every effort to make changes in the future.

 

I would not lay it on him and imply it's his problem that he was hurt.

 

Just saying: these non apologies are awful.

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