Jump to content

What would you do in this situation?


girl2014

Recommended Posts

So I'm a 30 year old virgin. The reason is mainly where I come from - it's part of our culture. Although I never dated in my late teens/early 20s, I would have been open to losing it to someone I was really in love with in my late 20s but it didn't happen.

 

I now live in another country where guys are very fast and it is unthinkable for them that I would move so slow. They basically lose interest after a few or even many dates of nothing physical happening. I understand that for them it is part of a whole relationship and they are naturally unsure what my boundaries are since I'm foreign, etc. So they just think it's too much effort and move on.

 

I now think that it is quite naive of me to expect a knight in shining armour to come along and be willing to wait as long as it takes for me etc.etc. So what should I do? Should I just find someone random off a website to lose it to so that it's no longer an issue when I'm dating other guys and I can go more naturally rather than holding back and wanting them to prove themselves? I feel like I would then be more open and casual about the physical stuff rather than thinking of it as such a big deal which no doubt comes accross when I'm dating someone..

 

I feel like the older I get, the stranger it will seem to guys... Even right now it is unthinkable in their culture that someone my age would still be a virgin!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have posted a number of threads about the same topic. I am from a culture where dating and pre marital sex were not common. I am 29 p(almost 30) and a virgin. And for me, it is harder since I am a man and I think male virginity is tougher for people to accept here.

 

I do think that men will be more open to older female virgins so please don't put pressure on yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I now think that it is quite naive of me to expect a knight in shining armour to come along and be willing to wait as long as it takes for me etc.etc. So what should I do? Should I just find someone random off a website to lose it to so that it's no longer an issue when I'm dating other guys and I can go more naturally rather than holding back and wanting them to prove themselves? I feel like I would then be more open and casual about the physical stuff rather than thinking of it as such a big deal which no doubt comes accross when I'm dating someone..!

 

NO, no, no. That's exactly what you shouldn't do!

Being a virgin at 30 for cultural reasons is not something to be ashamed of! Since when did the lack of promiscuity become a men repellent?

Believe me, I'm not a virgin and still like to take my time before jumping in bed with some dude, and this is something more women should do, it would lead to less broken hearts and less pain. And yes, just like you, I've met guys who didn't want to wait and moved on to easier women. Well, good riddance! I never felt like I lost anything of value, in those cases lol.

 

Good guys, serious about you and having a relationship with you, those worth your time, will wait. Heck, they will even appreciate you more for being a virgin and standing by your morals and cultural upbringing! Yes, the players will run away. But ask yourself this: is a player the type of guy you want in your life? They usually just hit it and quit it.

 

So don't be in a hurry to lose your virginity to some clown, because that experience is something you should share with someone special. Be patient and don't think of being a virgin as a minus, because in reality it's a plus. At the very least, it will help you weed out those who are only interested in sex.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Greta could not have said it better. In my experience, sex just for sex is extremely overrated. I much rather masturbate than have sex without being in love (and knowing the feeling is reciprocated).

Don't do it until it feels right, at least.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Culture schmulture. Either your values have changed or they haven't. Either what you want has changed, or it hasn't.

 

You are a grown woman. Take responsibility here for the choices you have made. Don't blame culture. You CHOSE to remain a virgin - of your own free will and volition.

 

At 30, it's time to stop looking to others to tell you what you 'should' do. Whether it's culturally, or individually. The sense of what YOU are about should be there by now. And if it isn't, you should work on developing that instead of worrying about sex either way (except when it comes to health and being safe about whatever it is you choose to do, and being responsible about possible babies). That is all.

 

The rest is purely what do you want to do and what are you about.

 

No, some knight probably won't swoop down and save you. You might have to be a little more assertive than you have been. That doesn't mean you have to do anything at all you are not comfortable with. It doesn't mean you have to play by others rules when it comes to sex either.

 

Just dictate your own pace.

 

What part of the culture anyways decided that you would be a virgin up til now? Beliefs about sex before marriage? Are you waiting til marriage?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's true trueheartedlady, but it's so much better when in love. I can honestly say my first was my first love, my husband, and the father of my children. I can't stand his a$$ now but I'm so happy my first time wasn't with someone who just wanted sex. Those guys (the ones only out for sex) are everywhere. I am so glad my first time was with whom it was for reasons stated above.

And while that marriage ended and I dabbled in sex without much feeling afterwards, I wish I had not. Every single time was a let down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All this love/cultural crap doesn't matter. "IF" you want to have sex just bloody go and have sex, random hookup or or ONS or what ever. Once you get over the fact in your head that sex is not something special and that you can have sex without love you will be a lot more open to the physical side of a relationship. Plus sex feels really awesome, it's fun and exciting and a healthy lifestyle choice.

 

As a male if I don't see you naked by the third date I move on, why waste your time if you don't find them sexually attractive and that you just want to rip each others clothes off and do the nasty. You wan to know if their good in bed before you commit to a relationship. At least that is my opinion.

 

IMHO just find someone you find sexually attractive and do it, it doesn't have to be the love of your life and in 99% of cases won't be the love of your life. So why wait!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And this is why STDs are spreading faster than fire!

If people stopped jumping in beds with strangers and took the time to get to know one another and their health status before grinding uglies, innocent people wouldn't have to worry so much about getting infected with who knows what!

 

I can't believe you advise someone who obviously cared for so long about staying a virgin to just go have sex with the first available dude. That's just wrong. I'm not saying she has to wait to meet her future husband, but why not wait until she is in a relationship with someone who is not only after sex?

 

And sex by the third date...yeah, good luck finding a quality woman who will give you that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

greta96 about STD'S..... You know they invented condoms for a reason? They are pretty safe. There is also birth control she can use in tandem. I also didn't say she should have unprotected sex either.

 

And why should she wait? She has needs... Who cares how she meets them as long as she is safe about the process? She is a grown women.

 

"And sex by the third date...yeah, good luck finding a quality woman who will give you that! " just ROFL. Maybe your what I've been missing all my life? A quality women like you maybe you could be the one for me... Skype?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

greta96 about STD'S..... You know they invented condoms for a reason? They are pretty safe. There is also birth control she can use in tandem. I also didn't say she should have unprotected sex either.

 

And why should she wait? She has needs... Who cares how she meets them as long as she is safe about the process? She is a grown women.

 

"And sex by the third date...yeah, good luck finding a quality woman who will give you that! " just ROFL. Maybe your what I've been missing all my life? A quality women like you maybe you could be the one for me... Skype?

 

Hmmm...I have a feeling you're way too young for me

And FYI - condoms don't protect 100%. There are still portions of skin that stay uncovered, not to mention they can break, etc. And BCP isn't fool proof either...there's been many a baby born from women who were on BCP...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmmm...I have a feeling you're way too young for me

 

Nah your only a few years older. I do like older women too so your in Then I can make cougar jokes all day I feel we now have a connection Opposites attract maybe?

 

And nothing is 100%, but condoms and BC are about as close as you can get to being safe. Combined they are a mighty force to be reckoned with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your opinions and the reassurances!

 

Yes, I know sex without the emotional part wouldn't be that great for me especially as a woman. I know that even kissing someone I don't have emotional attraction to is not great for me! I also think that once you start having sex, you can't go without it and I don't want to fall into a habit of bad relationships because of that (I see many people living this way - jumping from one relationship into another cause they can't do without sex after a point).

 

The ideal for me i.e. what I want (as so many of you have asked) is to wait till I'm in a relationship with someone I really like. The trouble is that people tend to assume that I am going to be super conservative and only want to get physical with someone I am deeply in love with or going to marry - they just assume that from me being foreign and I guess through my interactions with them as well. I just don't know how I can find the middle ground where I'm not sleeping with them within a couple of weeks but still moving on with the relationship.

 

I guess I just need to be out dating many many more to find the right fit? So far I have had terrible luck with online dating, having met about 15 guys. I have met some very sweet and respectful guys who I guess are waiting for me to lead things physically or give them a hint in that direction but when I don't do that after seeing them maybe 7-8 times, they give up because for them it is shocking to not be sleeping with someone by then. Do I in that case just wait till the conversation comes up naturally (it doesn't though with the very decent guys) or say something after a few dates?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

girl2014 what's a couple of weeks mean? 1 month? 3 months? 6 months? Because honestly sexually intimacy is a big part of a relationship and guys will want that part a lot sooner than 3 or 6 months. To tell the truth if the sex is bad the relationship often never works, and honestly I waited once for a girl and by the end of relationship (we never had sex) I hated her guts because we waited so long to do it.

 

I'm not trying to pressure you into something your not comfortable doing, don't get me wrong! Just giving it from a guys perspective.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

girl2014 what's a couple of weeks mean? 1 month? 3 months? 6 months? Because honestly sexually intimacy is a big part of a relationship and guys will want that part a lot sooner than 3 or 6 months. To tell the truth if the sex is bad the relationship often never works, and honestly I waited once for a girl and by the end of relationship (we never had sex) I hated her guts because we waited so long to do it.

 

I'm not trying to pressure you into something your not comfortable doing, don't get me wrong! Just giving it from a guys perspective.

 

Well honestly, I don't think in terms of actual time but more about how often we see each other, what the momentum is like. But given how dating works, I see someone I'm dating about once a week and after about 1-2 months is usually when they give up.

 

Can I ask how long you waited for the girl you wrote about? Did you guys talk about it? I wouldn't actually lead someone on if I didn't think there was the likelihood I would sleep with them. Maybe guys feel like I'm leading them on...? Is it better to talk it out in that case? But it feels weird to bring it up unless it comes up naturally. Kind of a chicken and egg thing...!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well honestly, I don't think in terms of actual time but more about how often we see each other, what the momentum is like. But given how dating works, I see someone I'm dating about once a week and after about 1-2 months is usually when they give up.

 

Can I ask how long you waited for the girl you wrote about? Did you guys talk about it? I wouldn't actually lead someone on if I didn't think there was the likelihood I would sleep with them. Maybe guys feel like I'm leading them on...? Is it better to talk it out in that case? But it feels weird to bring it up unless it comes up naturally. Kind of a chicken and egg thing...!

 

I waited 7 months and I really did waste that 7 months. We did every but sex BUT you need good sex to make a relationship work. By the time she wanted to have sex I hated her and never wanted to touch her again because I felt my needs were ignored for 7 months.

 

& yeah I think guys might feel like your leading them on by waiting that long, I would give it 1 month max if I was dating someone and if you haven't had sex it's likely their not interested! You might be sending out that single, I'm not sure I don't know you.

 

So yes I think it's better to talk to them about your situation being a virgin. At least they know upfront that things will be going slowly and their wont be action for awhile. Don't tell them on the first date! But by the 3rd or 4th date after you have most likely kissed that person you should probably let them know what the deal is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I waited 7 months and I really did waste that 7 months. We did every but sex BUT you need good sex to make a relationship work. By the time she wanted to have sex I hated her and never wanted to touch her again because I felt my needs were ignored for 7 months.

 

& yeah I think guys might feel like your leading them on by waiting that long, I would give it 1 month max if I was dating someone and if you haven't had sex it's likely their not interested! You might be sending out that single, I'm not sure I don't know you.

 

So yes I think it's better to talk to them about your situation being a virgin. At least they know upfront that things will be going slowly and their wont be action for awhile.

 

Are you serious? You hated her because she wanted to move slowly? Why did you wait then?

 

What do you mean about giving out the wrong signal - you mean me not being that interested?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just feel like it's so hard with online dating where guys have so many options that they most often go for the easiest one!

 

And it's not like I'm being manipulative or playing hard to get. I can't BUT move slowly given my level of experience.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Are you serious? You hated her because she wanted to move slowly? Why did you wait then?

 

What do you mean about giving out the wrong signal - you mean me not being that interested?

 

Yes I hated her. Slow is one thing BUT 7 months. Jeez that's a long time... I felt like crap being with her and all I did was support her and look after her and she didn't even want to have sex. I waited because I was an idiot, she had issues that I could not deal with. I had issues but nothing like hers, she was a fruitcake.

 

& yeah maybe waiting so long is sending the wrong single that your not interested. As I said I give it 3 dates or 1 month and if there is no sex I move on. Most guys think like that I reckon. You can't help it it's just YOU, so you should be upfront with them that your a virgin but not until date 3-4 or until after you've kissed. Sorry to say guys won't hang around most of the time if it's going to take 6 months to sleep with someone. Love is a totally different subject but at your age your not a teenager and puppy love that makes the guy want to wait for sex doesn't happen with 30 year old guys.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP,

 

I would not make a big deal out of it. Your sexual history - or the lack of - does not define you. Virginity is really not some "special, precious flower". Sex is enjoyable, sex is natural, everyone has it.

 

A lot of people share their first time with someone they did not love - guess what, they turned out just fine. They were not permanently damaged because they experienced sex with a friend whom they liked but never loved, for example.

 

Disclose your virginity only when you need to. And please do *not*make a big deal out of it. Men would only be scarred away if you make to some intensely special thing.

 

Talk about it as a matter of fact: " I am a late bloomer because of my upbringing. I am now fully ready and comfortable with physical intimacy. I look forward to experiencing it."

 

Just make sure you don't have any hang ups about sex first.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the advice goodheartlady.

 

So far the guys I've met fall into 2 categories - they either move too fast and want me to come over on date 2 or 3 which actually turns me off because it means they will just take anyone home after meeting once. I feel like that's the male version of desperate.

 

The other category is guys who are actually nice and will wait and keep going on dates but they are clearly waiting for me to do something or invite them over but I'm not comfortable making any first moves and don't want to invite them over when we haven't even kissed yet. Then they either think I'm not interested in being more than friends and move on or that I have some big hang-ups about getting physical. It's hard!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, I have three questions for you:

 

1. How strong is your sex drive?

 

2. Is your lack of sex driving you crazy, or do you find it to be tolerable?

 

3. Why do you think the "good" guys aren't making any first moves? If they haven't even kissed you, it leads me to believe that they think you don't want them to...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, I have three questions for you:

 

1. How strong is your sex drive?

 

2. Is your lack of sex driving you crazy, or do you find it to be tolerable?

 

3. Why do you think the "good" guys aren't making any first moves? If they haven't even kissed you, it leads me to believe that they think you don't want them to...

 

1. I would say it's normal/average.

2. It's not driving me crazy. I do want to experience sex but I don't think I could handle it outside of a relationship. I'm quite a sensitive/emotional person.

3. I think you're right there. I'm pretty sure I'm giving out the wrong vibes but I'm not sure what they are exactly. I'm not one of those fawning/flattering types of women and I'm usually pretty passive. I don't know if that's the problem.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP,

 

You need to stop judging men for wanting physical intimacy and sex. They are not desperate. They are just normal people.

 

Fact: men - and women - date to have sex and partnership.

 

Fact: men - and women - want to get physical with member of the opposite sex whom they are attracted to.

 

The fact that you are judging men for wanting sex tells me that you have unresolved issues towards sex.

 

You want men to take initiative but only at the precise moment that you Want them to: if a man makes a move too early, you judge him as desperate. If he waits, you judge him as "lame."

 

You see the problem? At the present stage, it is almost impossible to any man to the right thing to please you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...