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BF doesn't want to share our mutual interest...that's right, *mutual* interest


roxy45

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Hi, all! This is my first post. Apologies in advance for my long post, but I need some help/perspective here.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. One of the things we have in common, and I believe attracted us to each other, is that we both enjoy snowboarding.

 

The difference is the difference is that I'm a lot newer to it than he is. I like snowboarding and I really want to get better at it. He has at least 20 years' experience snowboarding and it is his favorite thing to do. Unfortunately, living on the less snowy regions of the east coast, you have to travel for good "shredding" conditions.

 

The one time we have been snowboarding together was during the first month of our relationship. He came on a weekend getaway with me and a bunch of my friends to a ski resort about 3 hours away. I told him it was fine if he also wanted to ride some tougher hills and that he shouldn't feel pressured to stay with me the whole time, but he said he wanted to spend the time with me. He was very supportive and gave me tips about to improve my technique. The only "blip" we had during that trip was that I got frustrated with myself while going down one hill. I told him that I needed a break, so that I wouldn't get more frustrated and we went to the lodge to warm up. While sitting in the lodge, he was very encouraging and I got teary because 1) I was still frustrated with myself and 2) he was being really sweet. Seriously, this wasn't a meltdown. I wasn't sobbing or bawling. In fact, after taking a break, I was over it and went back on the hill and the rest of the trip was amazing.

 

Besides that weekend and an overnight this past December for his cousin's wedding, we have not gone away together.

 

He spends ALL of his vacation time traveling to go snowboarding and to attend snowboard camps.

 

In the spring of 2013 (a few months into our relationship), after he got back from a camp in Canada, he suggested that I go to a camp with him in 2014 so I could improve my skills. A few months later, when I was still considering going and started doing research on flights, etc., he said I should probably get another season under my belt before going with him to Canada. Since he has a lot more experience than me and he had been to this camp for the first time in 2013, I figured he knew better and agreed that we'd consider it for the 2015 season.

 

He also suggested that we go to Utah together, and I was on-board from the start. But then he tells me his cousin has been pressuring him to go, so he's going to go with him (instead of me).

 

Since then, he has suggested I go to a summer snowboarding camp in Oregon that he has been going to for over a decade now. He told me they have a beginner's program and it would be a great way for me to get several consistent days of riding with a professional snowboarding coach. When the topic came up again a few weeks later, and I expressed interest in going, he seemed hestitant and said that he's not sure if I should go.

 

When I asked him why, he seemed worried that I might get frustrated and that it's a lot of money to sink into a trip that I might not enjoy. I said that that's true, but I won't know until I try and I certainly don't plan on going into the trip, expecting it to be frustrating. I have enjoyed taking lessons and being coached, but it's difficult to really advance without being able to dedicate time to improving. A day here and there is great, but right when you're getting the knack of something, you have to go. Having a week of full-day lessons might be intense, but it would give me time to improve and consistency in learning technique that I can apply the next day and the next and hopefully becomes second nature.

 

He also said that, if we went the same week, boys and girls have separate living arrangements and he'd be hanging out with the friends he meets up who go to this camp every year like him. I told him that that isn't an issue, I'm not looking at this as a couple's vacation. I want to get better at snowboarding and this seems like a great program for it. And since we'd be rooming separately, I'd be trying to make friends of my own. While I don't expect us to ignore each other, I also don't anticipate us spending tons of time together.

 

He said that some of his friends are kind of y/judgemental and he wouldn't want them to say anything bad about me. But then he countered himself and said that if they did, they weren't friends of his anyway.

 

On top of that, I offered to go a different week. There are two sessions that are offered to novices, and I could go to the one that doesn't coincide with the one he goes to, but he seemed bummed about that because "he'd love to see how I progress."

 

I told him that it's not fair to offer me something and then taking it back. He agreed it wasn't fair and would be more aware of that.

 

A few weeks ago, he talked to one of his friends who he meets up with at the summer camp in Oregon. The friend didn't see an issue with me going. After talking with him, my boyfriend said that I should sign up for the camp, and I should go the same week as him.

 

But then earlier this week, I told him that when I get my tax refund, I want to sign up for the camp and he said, "Good for you." I asked if he was being sincere and he said he's still going back and forth on it.

 

I am so frustrated about this! He said that snowboarding is his chance to escape and do the thing he loves. He's not sure how to balance share that with me - because it will either be great or it'll be awful. He's had bad experiences going snowboarding with girlfriends in the past.

 

I don't expect to go on every snowboarding trip that he goes on. At the same time, he won't agree to go on non-snowboarding trips with me, which (in my mind) would be a good balance.

 

It seems to be the one negative thing in this relationship that keeps coming back up (which makes me feel fortunate, in general). He is treating snowboarding like it should be his exclusively, but that's not fair when I was snowboarding before I had even met him. I take dance classes, and he said that he doesn't try to come to dance classes with me. But the thing is, I wouldn't care if he did. I can't think of anything in my life that I wouldn't invite him to be a part of.

 

The truth is, he doesn't own snowboarding and I really, really want to become a competent shredder. I don't believe I need to ask his permission to go to this camp, but I think the best solution may be to go to session that he isn't going to.

 

Advice, please!!!!

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'm afraid that he might have taken your blip as something he didn't want to deal with again (most people do not want to put their SO's in situations where they're frustrated and crying), and that, coupled with the bad experience he had with previous girlfriends, is making this something he'd rather just avoid. I'm not saying what he's doing is right, and I definitely think you guys should be able to vacation together, and snowboard together. But I can also understand his hesitation.

 

If you really want to learn how to shred, I would go to this camp, with or without him, and make sure to have plenty of positive stories to bring back. And don't be around him if you think you're going to get upset.

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So I have multiple points to make.

 

First off, I nor anyone here was there...so we don't know how bad your "blip" is, perhaps you're playing it off, perhaps you're a whiner and made it not fun for him. Perhaps he doesn't like teaching you.

 

 

You have to accept who you are dating...you are dating a snowboard bum, sounds like he lives and breaths it, and puts that in front of you (in front of many things probably). If you're OK with that...carry on, you can snowboard with him once you're good enough, but he doesn't want you taking away his enjoyment from favorite pastime. Once again, if you don't like that, get out, but I wouldn't try to start controlling him about it. Or just get really good at snowboarding really fast.

 

 

I am an avid skiier, I taught my ex skiing...she never saw the snow. The first day was tears, the second day was lamenting, the third day was happy she can ride down blues. It was fun teaching her to a point, but a part of me just wanted to bomb down the amazing snow we were getting in Utah...she let me and was cool about it. If I had a choice, would I pick the first 3 days of teaching my GF skiing, or just riding with her? I'd definitely pick the latter. I don't need a girlfriend to ride along with, but it's definitely fun to "share" that, and by share, I mean you don't have to be as fast or as good as me...but be able to somewhat keep up. We eventually broke up over other reasons. I don't need my new girl to be good at skiing, but I honestly think if she was, I'd probably want to go more often with her since it's just genuinely fun to ride with people.

 

Your boyfriend wants to be riding with people of his skill level and have that whole mountain camaraderie thing...being one of the guys.

 

It sounds like you are learning and really want to be a part of that with him...but if he truly deeply cared he wouldn't keep putting other people in front of you, but then again he's a snowboard bum that loves powder more than life so I would say either accept it but don't compete with it, you won't win.

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Seems very selfish to me. He doesnt want you at the camps when he goes because that is where he gets his "alone time" with buddies etc. But he doesnt want you to go without him at a different time because he would miss out on seeing u progress?? That to me sounds like hes actually saying, "I dont want you to go without me because I will be jealous that you are out snowboarding and I am not".

 

He needs to find a middle ground, if he likes to snowboard and so do you then there needs to realize that not all of his camps are going to be his "alone time" trips anymore.

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The common themes in your post seem to be:

- your bf suggest a snowboarding event you could do

- he prevaricates after suggesting it sometimes because he isn't sure you're up to it other times or because he's also going

- he doesn't want the burden (!) of spending time with you

- he's inordinately concerned with what his friends will think

- you take your lead from him instead of making your own decisions.

 

Your bf is childish and immature and he's making you feel ashamed by not wanting to spend time with you.

 

You need to decide for yourself which snowboarding events you want to go. If he suggests one by all means consider it but only go if you want.

 

Make your own plans, expect to spend the time on your own, and stop discussing snowboarding with him.

 

Get a new bf.

 

You're really caught up in the drama and this power struggle now but does the man really sound like good partnership material? If you went in to a village and had to choose a husband, would you choose the boy who's always playing with his friends and when you come around he pretends like he doesn't know you? It's got red sign written all over it and your fooling yourself if you think snowboarding is the only time he's going to come up short.

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I know to you the initial incident was no big deal... But I suspect this is how your bf sees it: You get frustrated and stomp off like a child who needs a nap. He has to follow you aaaaaaall the way back to the lodge. There, he tries to lighten the mood and be encouraging. You instead, start crying...

 

Sorry, but he thinks you're a sports brat. Want to change his mind? Actually GO snow-boarding solo and get some confidence/skills. Learn how to keep your cool on the slopes. MAKE yourself a more appealing boarding partner.

 

Then research THE MOST amazing spot on earth to shred...and book a trip without him

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I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where snowboarding was his #1 priority and I constantly finished behind that interest. I'm not thinking he wants you to be intense about snowboarding at all (only about him snowboarding). He said I'm not trying to go to dance classes with you = don't keep trying to snowboard with me.

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This is a guy whose real girlfriend is a snowboard. Some people are "married to their work" at the expense of their partner, while others are married to their hobby at the expense of their partner. A relationship shouldn't mean you give up all your interests, but there has to be a balance. I can understand that he wants to snowboard with people at his level...but there is no reason why every single vacation he takes has to be a snowboarding vacation. He should take regular vacations with you where you share other things. A "one trick pony" is quite boring and if all he is interested in is snowboarding, then you will not have a very fulfilling relationship with him.

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Ok, its not your mutual interest. He is a very serious snowboarder. You want to learn to snowboard. That is not something the two of you do together as an interest. Its something you did together a couple of times. It is not YOUR passion. If it was your passion, you would be going to workshops, etc, based on your skill level without him and then you would go with him when it so happened there was an event that worked for both of your levels.

 

You want to go snowboarding to get better to go with him, not because it is your life blood. Can you find something else to do and just think "great" when snowboarding works out for the two of you as a bonus rather than thinking you are being jilted in the relationship? Its like having a guy who lives to go hunting or fishing. Does he really want his girlfriend to be there in the hunting lodge with him and all his pals? It is NOT a romantic trip. and maybe that is how he feels about boarding - he is very serious and has little room for romancing or sightseeing during the camps.

 

I think instead of pursuing these snowboarding workshops and clinics that you should ask him to go on a getaway with you that has nothing to do with snowboarding - something you both would like to see - and have "us' time and let snowboarding be separate. Or talk about extending the trip. If he goes snowboarding in Utah - what if the thing ends on friday and he extended a trip for a few days and you join him for a couple days of something else?

 

So - try to lay off the snowboarding and focus on the other aspects of the relationship to decide if it is a fulfulling relationship and you want to continue. If you don't - then don't.

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Want to change his mind? Actually GO snow-boarding solo and get some confidence/skills. Learn how to keep your cool on the slopes. MAKE yourself a more appealing boarding partner.

 

Then research THE MOST amazing spot on earth to shred...and book a trip without him

 

I like this idea. JUST GO snowboarding with him already. Ease his mind and tell him that if you freak out again, it'll be the last time you tag along as a beginner..but just go and do it already! Keep your self together and have a good time. I don't think this issue should be anything big enough to where it causes a rift in your relationship.

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I like this idea. JUST GO snowboarding with him already. Ease his mind and tell him that if you freak out again, it'll be the last time you tag along as a beginner..but just go and do it already! Keep your self together and have a good time. I don't think this issue should be anything big enough to where it causes a rift in your relationship.

 

I think the point was for her to take lessons on her own. She should show interest in getting good enough on her own rather than relying on him to play teacher.

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I do go snowboarding (on my own or with friends) and have taken lessons, and he never has an issue with that. But because of where we live, the slopes aren't great and there aren't good programs for learning. What I need to truly improve is consistency...an opportunity to be professionally coached day-after-day for several days or a week or so. That is exactly what the camps my bf keeps suggesting offers, but when I get serious about signing up, he becomes uncomfortable with me going to camps he has been going to for years. I've told him, "Don't suggest it if you don't mean it, it's not fair to me."

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Sorry I am with the boyfriend all the way on this. He had been doing this for 20 years. It is his deal. He tested the waters with her on the trip together which resulted in her getting "teary" with him in the lodge.

 

Imagine if he was a fantastic guitar player and wrote songs. And she began to learn guitar and insisted that he write songs with her as a shared experience. The newbie cannot superimpose their new hobby over the pre-existing activity of their partner, it never works. Combine that with the fact that they are in a geographically un-friendly location for shredding, so every trip needs to be a big undertaking and big bucks.

 

What about cultivating a new hobby that you can share together. One with easy access, low equipment required and maximum spontaneity. Photography? Roller blading?

 

I feel his pain because snowboarding has been his love and escape. Now he is expected to coach and mentor his girlfriend who is light years behind him. It is like a boyfriend teaching his girlfriend to learn to drive. This stirs up all kinds of resentment and tension. Find a fresh slate and new hobby to build together. Or just back off and let him enjoy his passion.

 

What is telling for me is your post title. That it is a mutual interest. Sorry. Snowboarding is a solitary activity where you test yourself against the terrain. You should be able to see things from his side. It is very rare that a shared activity has the same passion level for a couple. Leave the snowboarding alone and find a new neutral area where he doesn't feel you are crowding him.

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Why do you need him to approve your trips?

 

Pick the ones you want to go to. If they're the ones he has suggested and he starts backpedalling, tell him you really like the sound of them and you're going to book it. Then do so. You will be able to find out what his real issue is if/when you end up going with him and seeing how he reacts to you at the camps.

 

But that's not the REASON you should go. You should go because you want to learn what they can teach you.

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Yeah, I agree with the idea of backing off on this and finding something totally different the two of you can share. Multiple things, and nothing anyone is too intense about nor is their 'baby' either.

And if going on a trip to spend some more time snowboarding is important to you in its own right, book a trip some time (doesnt have to be a camp, just go to BC or something and stay in a hotel and book private lessons).

 

I don't see why you have to share it, honestly. Besides being able to be accepting of each others goals and caring about it.

 

Now if he won't make any time to spend with you as a couple EVER and it's always about the snowboarding and that is 100% first all the time for him, then you just need to re evaluate if this is the guy for you. Where you are basically not as important to him as a sport. Maybe you arent compatible (I know I would get pretty bored with someone who is so one dimensional that all their free time was spent on one thing, and it was a pretty exclusive deal).

 

It's funny PWL brought up it being like you learning to play an instrument, and the bf being on a professional level. That was what I thought of when I read the post - an ex and I, he was a professional musician and I was (and still am, always will be) an amateur who does it for fun. I like improving but have no desire to go pro or take it to a level where it becomes a top priority in my life.

I thought of it because it was how we met too. But it never was an issue in our relationship. I think it is important to let people have their 'thing'. I would never have pushed to get in there. It's nice to share an appreciation of it, but sometimes too, it's ok to simply be more in a supportive type role for each other. Where you each know you respect and have each others back in pursuing what you love and care about outside the relationship. I think you are looking at this like you are on equal ground with snowboarding, and you just aren't. You don't have to be either - in fact, it shouldn't even matter if you like to snowboard yourself or not.

 

THe reasons to be together and for each of you to prioritize spending time together, and putting each other as priorities, should go beyond sharing a hobby or a passion. The root of being together goes beyond that, or you are going to end up feeling yourself competing for attention. And it never should get to that.

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I'm sorry, but I'm not going to "leave snowboarding alone." Maybe I haven't been doing it as long as he has and I'm not as good at it as he is, that doesn't mean he "owns" it. I have a blast shredding down the hill. I started snowboarding a couple of years before he was ever in my life, and I have gone several snowboarding without him, even when he was a part of my life. Most of the time, when I take a tumble, I get back up and laugh at myself and keep going. If I recognize that I'm tired, hungry, or start getting irritated at myself, I take a break or call it a day, which is exactly what instructors tell people to do so they don't hurt themselves or make dumb mistakes.

 

I do not expect him to teach me how to snowboard. I know how to snowboard, but I want to be better at it. And I don't expect him to be my mentor. In fact, the time we went riding together, I encouraged to go off and do his own thing, while I was going down greens and blues. I don't have visions of us riding down the hill, holding hands and making moon eyes at each other.

 

I also disagree that snowboarding is a solitary activity. Most of the people I know hit the slopes to go riding/skiing with their friends and family.

 

What I want is for him to stop backpedaling on what I believe are good suggestions that could help me improve my riding skills and avoid picking up bad riding habits.

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I'm sorry, but I'm not going to "leave snowboarding alone."

 

I also disagree that snowboarding is a solitary activity. Most of the people I know hit the slopes to go riding/skiing with their friends and family.

 

This is your conflict in a nutshell. You are not going to leave it alone but instead continue to press it. If you were so certain in your boarding skills then why the crying jag the first time out with him?

 

Also, I meant solitary in when you are boarding or surfing or cycling at a certain level, you are pitting yourself against the elements. It is like the difference between jogging and marathoning. Of course, you can be sociable about it but as you pointed out, it is your solitary skill set that you are focusing on challenging or improving. And he probably enjoys pushing himself against others at his same level.

 

Ask him why he is backpedaling and listen to what he says. Do not try to refute what he says. Just listen. I think you will find he echoes many of the comments posted on here. He just sees it as a different thing at a different level than you. Your comment that he does not "own it" indicates there is some stubbornness here that is beyond the issue. It feels like you are trying to prove something to him.

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What I want is for him to stop backpedaling on what I believe are good suggestions that could help me improve my riding skills and avoid picking up bad riding habits.
But you can't get him to do that. He's backpedalling for reasons that you probably don't want to know about, like he views his time away snowboarding as "his" time, space away from you, with his buddies.

 

The only thing you can do is not rely on him to follow through because you know that after he's made a suggestion, he's going to think twice about it and reneg or attempt to dissuade you. You can make your own plans, go to your own lessons or camps, do your own thing to improve your skills, maybe even ask him if he thinks that X camp has a good program, but from the sounds of it, he's not invested in doing this activity with you, and that may never change, regardless of how skillful you become. You're right, he doesn't "own" snowboarding and you have every right to learn it, practice it, do it whenever and however you choose to. But, that doesn't mean that you have the right to expect him to be there at your side, or even on the same trip.

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Roxy - you know what you need ... book a weeklong, intense, daily snowboarding training schedule with a professional. Just don't book those trips with you. He'll keep doing it on his own and I think the recommendation for you two to do this hobby separately is a good idea.

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I do go snowboarding (on my own or with friends) and have taken lessons, and he never has an issue with that. But because of where we live, the slopes aren't great and there aren't good programs for learning. What I need to truly improve is consistency...an opportunity to be professionally coached day-after-day for several days or a week or so. That is exactly what the camps my bf keeps suggesting offers, but when I get serious about signing up, he becomes uncomfortable with me going to camps he has been going to for years. I've told him, "Don't suggest it if you don't mean it, it's not fair to me."

 

Its not up to him to take you. if you want to be professionally coached, then go get coached. he probably backpedals because he is split. He has the role of giving advice to someone who wants to learn the sport, then he is your boyfriend. His honest advice is to go to clinics. But in the boyfriend role, he doesn't mean to make it a couples trip and tag along. Go out and find the clinics appropriately for you and sign up. Ones that he is not going to at first. Find one that he won't be at and show that you are out for learning on your own.

 

As far as snowboarding being solitary - it is not team rowing. Once you launch yourself down the hill it is you and the snow. To him, its not about the socialization back at the lodge or the discussion that happens in between runs. To you, its about who you go with - hanging with your friends, going with your boyfriend.I get that, but honing your skill and getting one on one instruction is different. Someone training for the Olympics, for example, doesn't bring their honey along to stand in line and have the next turn. It is not a social event to him. And when you go with your significant other, you want to visit with them, have to make sure they are satisfied with their experience, etc, and he wants to pay attention to you when he goes places with you and snowboarding is not it.

 

If he went snowboarding without you every single weekend - well maybe you need to talk, but if he spends time with you when he is not away snowboarding, than either accept that this is his "thing" until he asks you to go or if you are not happy = leave.

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My brother is a ski instructor and a scratch golfer. His fiance took up both sports 10 years ago...and is still average/ competent at both, but no where near his level. When he downhills...she x-country skis. She plays in women's leagues... or with gf's. While they occasionally play together...my brother prefers not to. And she accepts that.

 

They ride together....meet up for lunch. But she will never do either at his level.

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My cousin runs marathons and tours the country running them. His girlfriend is extremely active too, in her sport. The relationship works not because they "do that thing together," but because they both understand what drives the other one and they therefore understand what the other person needs - sometimes they just need to go alone to train or be in that marathon. They are very excited to see eachother when he comes home or she does. She participates in another completely different sport at a high level. They work because they "get" eachother.

 

Have you read or heard of "The Five Love Languages"? If not, it seems your love language is "quality time". You want to do this with him to spend time with him and that is what you need and that is why you are bent out of shape. he is not "wrong" in really wanting this to be a solo thing and not girlfriend time and its nothing devious. Maybe you can find other ways to spend quality time together instead of driving yourself to be competitive enough to "earn" the ability to go do this one thing with him. I mean, after all, if you guys are still together when you are old and you can't snow board or participate in a sport because of one's bad knees or someone else's arthritis or injury - what will you have? The point is appreciating when you are together, and not forcing the togetherness to be only a specific way and not being satisfied with any other way. Surely you can get yourself to the point of telling him "have fun, i look forward to hearing all about it over dinner when you get back.." sometime, right? It will take the pressure off of him and not make things so hot button.

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Have you practiced riding on your own or with your friends? If you live in an area that isn't good for snowboarding, I can see why he doesn't want to travel, just to help you. I can also see why he doesn't want to bring you along, because he'll feel guilty about leaving you alone.

 

You should practice on your own, and I'd bet if he sees that you're going frequently, he'd want to go too. How many times have you been total?? If you go 3 or 4 times, you should be able to get down most runs...especially on the east coast.

 

If you want, come out to Colorado, and I'll teach you. It's snowed like 16 feet here since the beginning of the year.

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Then your problem has nothing to do with snowboarding or mutual interests. It is about communication. You need to say to HIM: "Greg, you are really giving mixed signals here. Why are did you say X when you meant Y?"

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