healing when you're the dumper

[mutiny]

Hi guys. Trying to stay focused and decided to post my thoughts here instead of sitting fretting, and thinking about talking to him.

 

There is a lot of advice out there for how to heal and move on when you've been dumped. My ex hasn't been doing those things so far. I haven't had as much luck with finding advice on how to heal when you're the one who has done the dumping and you still really love the person you dumped. I had to because our relationship had become so unhealthy. He was dishonest and untrustworthy, and I was becoming controlling and constantly suspicious. I was constantly anxious and stressed. We've been living together and he doesn't make much money, so it's been a slow process. His name is on the lease so I really can't just up and change the locks while his things are still there. He's debating on whether to stay with a friend or go back accross the country to his hometown. I think he's debating on staying with his friend and starting over here in town.

 

It's just so hard because in my heart I don't want him to go anywhere at all, but my head knows I simply cannot be happy continuing this relationship. Its hard to see him and know that soon I may never see him again, or I will see him around town knowing he still wants to be with me and feeling the pain all over again. I don't have any family or friends out here either so I don't have somewhere else to go at the moment. How can I cope in the meantime until he's completely gone? We're both working today and I think he'll leave this evening, but I'm not sure. It's so hard, but I'm proud of myself so far for not giving in and trying to work things out. But it continues to be a struggle.

[Createmyfuture]

Dumper or Dumpee, it's a loss just the same. You have to heal from the loss.

[Mishmon]

It's same. It took me 2 years to heal after i broke up with my ex. Basically, you are human so advice should not be based on whether you dumped him or he dumped you. If you need specific advice (i.e. how to deal with specific thoughts and feelings) the answer won't be different just because you were the one to leave. No double standards for that mater.

[greta96]

It will hurt anyway for a while, but it will hurt less if you do your best not to see him. Which means first of all kicking him out of the house. I understand the lease is in both your names, but sometimes it's worth paying all of it yourself just to get the cheating jerk out of your life. Continuing to live with him is just unacceptable. Or you move out and let him live there, if he can't pay the rent alone...oh well, he should have thought about that before cheating on you repeatedly.

 

And stop telling yourself that he still wants you, if he did he wouldn't have been trolling Craigslist for sex! He still wants your money, yes. He is upset and crying because he knows his life would become way more difficult without your financial support. His only chance to keep living comfortably is for you to forgive him and take him back. He has no feelings for you, it's all about money. You've been paying most of the rent, probably food and everything else, so he had not much to do except for taking pictures of his junk and sending them to sl*ts on Craigslist.

I don't know, but to me this would be enough to kill any kind of feelings I may have had for someone, what he did was so gross and despicable I just don't see how you can still say you "love" him.

 

As soon as you take off your rose colored glasses and see him for who he is, not what you wanted and hoped he'd be, you'll feel way better and heal much faster.

[mutiny]

Thanks for the replies. And thanks greta, I think I really needed to hear that.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you just need to write out the reasons you ended it and post it (in a private space only you have access to) so that you can look at it again and again. It will be a constant reminder for you that healing is around the corner.

[kathy679]

You will respect yourself more if you get rid of him. This is telling yourself you ate worth more than someone who cheats. And you are! Don't accept that behaviour it is a code red. I had the same, my ex cheated, i found out 1 month ago and i will never take him back because i come first now. So should you