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Is it okay to talk about a deceased loved one this way?


Amp33

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My grandfather and I were fairly close. So close in fact that he decided to pull one last little joke on me, and die on my birthday. That stinker. My question that I have is that I've noticed, and friends have mentioned, that when I drink I tend to talk about my grandfather.. a lot. And they never know what to say.

 

I talk about him like he's there. I feel him around me all the time, so it keeps me comfortable in knowing I will see him again.. I don't talk about him when I'm sober. But after a few drinks I always find myself babbling about him... Is this bad?

 

It's been nearly 3 years since he died.. I don't talk about him like he's dead though, I make jokes at his expense and still tease him about things openly with people.. Because that's just the relationship him and I shared.. Is this strange?

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No it's not strange people heal and deal with grief in their own ways.

 

Have you had any grief counselling?

 

I don't really talk about my grandparents but a while ago I got drunk and couldn't stop talking about them and crying. I think alcohol just makes you uber emotional and makes it easier to talk about some stuff.

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No, not strange at all. Everyone deals with grief differently. You might just tell your friends that it's OK for them to joke around with you. They won't offend and it helps you, if that does that is. People usually don't know what to say or how to react, so telling them what makes you comfortable is a solution and something that will put them at ease.

 

In terms of doing that when you are drunk, sapphire is correct in that alcohol loosens tongues and can make you emotional.

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Well, it's awkward for them, but that doesn't mean it's weird or unusual. What you're describing is something that many people go through. Many people see or feel their loved ones around them even after they're gone and it's pretty normal to talk about it and want to keep them alive through memories and recall. Nothing strange about that at all. Why do you think a show like "Rescue Me" where a firefighter sees the ghosts of dead loved ones and the people he couldn't save resonated so well with the public that it became a hit show? I loved, loved, loved that show for exactly that reason. No, I don't drink, but I lost a very close friend some years ago and I'll still find myself sometimes mentally having conversations with him as if he were there when it's something that I know he'd like or had an interest in. Does that make me crazy? Who cares? Ditto my dad.

 

If you like you can talk to a counselor or therapist and maybe work through some things about the loss with them if you feel it's negatively affecting you. Otherwise maybe just don't drink or if you do tell people ahead of time, "Look, we all know when I get drunk I talk about Grandpa. You don't have to do anything to comfort me or make it better, just either talk about your own memories or redirect my attention elsewhere." It will make them feel better when you do talk about him and it will likely help all of you heal.

 

You don't stop missing someone or loving them after they're gone and there is zero shame in talking about them. Remember in some cultures it's even considered necessary or a good thing to honor the dead once a a year with a celebration--i.e. Day of the Dead or other similar rituals. We all honor our dead in our own way, you're just honoring your grandfather in a way that is special to you and would be to him too.

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After 3 years still? I don't know, you're probably others feel uncomfortable which will have consequences. I've lost loved ones and had the exact same feeling, but after three years it should be a little less prominent in your mind I think. Maybe read a book on grieving.

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