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Its the hardest thing in the world


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You become numb, not a bodily numb but a heart-sinking type of numb that permeates to your soul. They said that those that loved and lost are so much stronger than those that have never been dumped. While i find that to be true, I haven't felt weaker in my whole life. Through this vantage point of retrospect, what I've found to be true is, you cannot trust your own heart. Itll lie to you and blindside you, hence the phrase, love is blind. Its the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, including the loss of my mom; only because she took my heart and never really gave it back, and I thought she was the one. Foolish misconception...

 

I've been reading this forum, and what can I say that hasn't been said? This emotion has been felt and described by so many with unrequited love. Let me start by telling you a little about how it all went down:

 

Im 25, she's 21. We fell in love and hit it off. Got a place together and joint accounts and dogs and even had a ring for her. 4 years, 4 years that grew me and grounded me more than any other relationship.

I was always scared to trust anyone because of my Hs sweetheart dumping me for a guy she met in class, so i was hesitant to give her my heart. But as time went on i trusted her completely without a doubt.

 

We started having problems such as finance and the 3 dogs I had to clean after. You see, she didnt know or even like to clean. They shed massive amounts of fur, and in a small apt, thats where things became bad.

I'll be honest, I shouldn't have complained and shouldn't have nagged her about it. It was a constant battle raising these 3 dogs. They were getting too expensive for us to handle, since they're on a raw diet.

 

Vet bills, toys, chews, ate up most of our extra cash. We fought over trivial matters and always made up, with the intention of fixing what's wrong. things started to smooth out, but she still felt unsure of us. She started to withdraw from me, and unattached herself slowly during the last year of the relationship. Before, we loved and shared our lives so profoundly that it makes me cry just looking back at our connection. We were like yin and yang, completed each other. We really did love each other, we just didnt know how to at the time.

 

She said lets talk and told me she needs a break. Just what every guy wants to hear right? She said 'in the future, we could be together, who knows, but for now give me space'.

 

I tried, but I, like alot of you, mishandled the situation and only turned it worse. I became clingy and needy and pushed her into another guys arms. This guy was her 'best friend' that told her he liked her. It was when we were still together that I hear that he likes her, ever since HS. Told her to cut contact but apparently she's been talking to him via txt. So skip forwards to when she told me she needed space, i totally lost it. I cried and told her i loved her, big mistake, i know. But I could t help but to reveal myself to her, hoping she'll take me back.

 

3 months later i confront her when she's writing him a letter saying hi baby! She told me she calls everyone baby. Lie. She says im being ridiculous and that they're just friends. How can I ever look at her the same way. This was when we were still living together sorting thru all the emotions and problems. On my end, I thought it was a good thing that she stayed to work out us.

 

Finally months later she left her cell at home and i had to retrieve a # for her and saw them texting i love yous. She told him that she was miserable living here and basically wanted him to be her knight in shiny armor. But she loved the comfort of my hugs at night, my company, our family, and the fun we would have, and we had sex sporadically.

 

Skip to now... She moved out to her dads place and the dogs r still with me for now until she settles in and can take two of them. She tells me she's so sorry for hurting me and that she's a bad and horrible person, and she's lost. I get it, im lost too but you don't backstab the one that took care of you financially and spiritually. We had alot of ups and downs but she couldn't take it anymore. I thought we would fight through this, and settle down and have a family and buy a house one day.

 

As my head tried to wrap around the concept of not getting her back, my heart wants nothing but to forgive her and try NC and try to get her back by showing her what she's missing.

I dream of us together and when I wake up realizing shes gone, my heart just sinks into my chest and i start to cry. The love of my life is gone, although we try to be friends, nothing will bring back the old US.

 

I deem it impossible for me to take her back if she comes crawling back, because there would be no trust. On the other hand, i cannot live without her. Living has become so forced, so crude and so impossible; im hanging by a thread...

 

I've read superdave's posts and although it did help, and I will practice his and all your advices to move on and build myself for me, I can't help but feel like my life will always have something missing. Im missing my other half of my yin yang...

 

I realize I've lost her, and even if she wants me back somehow, why would i devalue myself like that? I would become a second choice, someone that she claims she's not in love with.

So numb to my own reality, i try to escape but theres no where to run, its as if im trapped in a box..

 

Why would the universe or God give me something so great and just take it away like that.. They say its better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all. Complete BS...

 

My question to you is, if you were me, would you work towards reconciliation?

Or is this out of my control? I will let fate and God take over but deep down, its because ive lost.

 

Most of all, I've lost myself. Becoming intangible in her eyes.

I will get up and carry on, but how can I even be positive and give out good vibes if im so depressed?

 

My other q is, why?

 

Why did I not see this coming? Why did I let fear control me? Why would someone who loved me so much do this? Why even date again? The risk of hurt is too great, but i tell myself that true love is worth all this pain..

 

For so long now, I've become etched with this notion of fate: that itll always work my way and that if it was meant to be, she'll come back. But in reality, the distrust will probably cause me to say no, I've moved on; you said you weren't in love and said i love you to a stranger so quickly, only after 3-4 months.

 

Why did she line him up? Why the lies and emotional cheating? Was I not good enough, or was i too clingy and did i baby her too much?

 

Now I come home to an empty bed, wake up to nothing. Its excruciating, and the only thing i want to do is die.

 

-

Sometimes we'd like to believe that things happen for a reason, that our mistakes are just opportunities. We'd like to believe that our heart isn't broken, that they didn't mean as much to us as we meant to them. And while truth is hidden somewhere between those lines, we rather face the lie head on, confusing ourselves in the process. We build these walls to protect us, but one smile, one kiss, is all it takes for it to go tumbling down. And within the proximity of defeat, we give up, numbing everything that we are. We try to hide our scars in effort to seem strong, although deep inside its eating you alive. So we stop fighting a fight that we know we can't win alone.

That's when we give up who we thought we were, in search of who we want to be.

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Be thankful you did not get married. She did you a favor. You need to protect yourself with NC. You are very young and have the best moments in your life to look forward to. This woman cannot be trusted, not now NOT EVER! Never take her back, EVER!

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I had to break up with my fiance of over four years last night because he wouldn't stop trying to chat up other women and constantly hide things behind my back. The hardest part is knowing he doesn't want to leave, because I don't want him to leave either. Just hold on to the fact that she actively chose to go be with someone else, and remind yourself of that if she ever tries to come back. Spend some time on your own and when you love yourself again, you'll find somebody who won't ever put you through this. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't leave you for someone else. Be strong. I have to right now too.

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Hello, I read your story, and it is so similar to mine. I know how awful it feels to find out the person you trusted more than anything has betrayed you. I never read the text messages, but I'm sure they were there. They would have just broken me all the sooner.

I think what young people our age fail to realise so often is how easy it is to start emotionally cheating, and how horrifically it can ruin a good relationship. Because suddenly they have a listening ear for them to vent to, so they vent to them, and stop talking to you and working with you to SOLVE those issues.

 

And pretty quickly they start to make comparisons. But the truth is they're not true comparisons - because the other guy (or girl) isn't in the relationship. They don't have the pressure of living with them, of encountering issues and having to work through them. So they fall in love with a fantasy before they even realise what they've been doing is cheating.

 

The link below explains all about emotional cheating and what it can do. I hope it helps you gain some understanding of what may have happened.

 

link removed

 

For me, my ex spent hours partnered with a guy doing her acrobatics, became best friends and doing a lot of fun things with him, while I only ever got to spend time with her at home when she was studying. Spending time with me became less and less a priority, and more and more a chore because the only time she could give me was crammed between her university, acrobatics, and study, and my work. Whereas she could always find time to have fun doing acrobatics with him - and then other activities with him as well - because they were both studying and didn't have jobs.

 

If somehow your ex does come back, don't think of it as you being second best. Think of it as her realising what she fell for was an illusion, and realising that what she had with you was the real thing. I'm not saying make it easy for her. Over the next few months you will slowly realise that a lot of things about her you really didn't like. I'm sick of thinking of these things, so tonight I'm planning on making a list of them, and a set of conditions that she would have to work on if she ever returns. Because I know now I don't want to restart a relationship with that person that left me. And I hope that by writing them down, they will be out of my head for good.

 

Mindfulness also helps. I'm 99% certain my ex is never coming back, so I am working to get stuff like the above out of my head, and just focusing on the present, on finding happiness. I went out on a date with a gorgeous girl last night. It was something I wasn't intending to do for a long time, but she just seemed too great to not take that chance. And I refuse to let my ex hold me back any longer.

 

It does get better. No contact. Get some mindfulness/meditation tapes and try using them a couple of times a day (I can give you some if you like). St Johns wart is a good herbal remedy to use as well. And rescue remedy.

 

Take care my friend. Betrayal is not easy, and a month ago I never thought I would feel better again. I felt one more knock and I would never get up.

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@aaron

 

Your words helped me tremendously, so thank you..

Maybe its because we were in the same shoes, or maybe because you told me that she fell for an illusion..

I hope everything will go great with that new girl and I pray you find love again, as will I.

 

But the fraility of my heart is always wanting her to come back and for me to slowly take her back. Im weak, im not strong enough to jus forget her and move on...

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@ mutiny

I know I deserve better and that I should be with someone who won't put me through this pain, but i can't help but feel that she's a lost person trying to make sense of everything, falling for an illusion...

Man im so confused. My brain says no but my heart says take her back.

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Very true words, it's heartbreaking really. Very sorry you have had to go through this emotional pain, but yes in time like everyone says it will get better. Surround yourself with those who love, respect and appreciate you and begin to let yourself heal, because you need to give yourself that space as well as the space she's wanting. Try your best to stay NC because I believe once you separate from someone, how is it possible to be friends?! I don't understand, I've tried many times with my exes that I've had long relationships with and it just pulls me down to square one. Only at the end of last year I stopped texting my ex, we were together for 2 years and he broke up with me, and we have been apart since mid-year 2012.. It's sad really, I felt desperate all those times I wanted to contact him but I felt like I couldn't live without him, constantly reminiscing on all the times we shared. Holding onto that hope that he would someday realize what he's missing, but it never happened. I missed out on a lot, but what was worse is that I still saw him for months after we broke up but he made it clear there was no way we were getting back together, yet I still believed we would and kept on seeing him. It's so painful afterwards, I felt horrible that I ran back to him. It's only now I realize what I have missed out on, I became a person who I never wanted to be, so unhappy with life. I have not texted or seen him in months now and I can say I'm feeling much better within myself and in general, and I barely think about him anymore which is something I never thought would happen.. You need to give yourself that time, find out who you are, get back out there and feel confident again and happy within yourself because it will happen. Best of luck to you!!

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Thanks tayla, I won't be waiting around to see if she comes back. Im working on myself, even if i have to force myself to, i will change for me and not for her. She just sent me a song by kieth urban-you'll think of me.

 

Not sure what it really means but I've been contemplating that maybe she knows that ill think of her or maybe she'll always have me on her mind. .

 

Im gona secretly give her a card with part of Pablo neruto's poem 'if you forget me' on it, to tell her that if she doesn't love me, ill stop loving her the same...

 

 

Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

 

If suddenly

you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.

 

If you think it long and mad,

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide

to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,

remember

that on that day,

at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.

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Thanks Aaron, and i feel clarity that you faced the same situation and you learned to cope with it. Maybe theres hope for me yet. You said she fell for an illusion, but it doesn't matter does it? She chose to leave me for him, and even if she does come back, how can I guarantee it won't happen again, or that ill distrust her?

I really want her back so we can start over, but lingering doubts whether if it is the right thing to do always plagues my mind and heart.

 

Lets say she doesn't come back,

How can I find someone like her? We had a family, and my dogs are wondering where their mom is, and probably will wonder all their lives where I am or where she is and why we aren't together. Its an awful thing, she gets two and i keep one. But they will always feel like their home was ripped out from under them. And I the same.. Im so lost in this i just want to turn back time but as Anna nalick describes, 'life is an hourglass glued to the table.. We're like cars on a cable'

 

Cant turn back now... Wish I can with all my heart.

 

In this situation, i can hardly think the the phrase let her go and if she comes back its meant to be, applies to me. She didnt leave for any other reason than to start a new relationship and end this one.

 

Im hopeless

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You had your list of complaints and you want to know how you can find someone like her? She drained you of your money, she didnt clean, she basically contributed very little to the relationship, the love was a one way street where she will show you affections IF she is happy and you want to know how you can find another princess like this?

Ask youself to why you want to deal with this drama again? What needs did she fulfill that no one else in the world can do? If you want to find someone that wont clean or contribute to a relationship, heck I can introduce you to several friends and you can take your pick. Or you can go out and find someone who will do for you as you would do for her.

She appears to be the type that wants to be taken cared of. Not having to work or do anything to maintain a relationship. She just wants to be told she is pretty and have everything handed to her. Is that what you really want?

Im sure she made you feel good, you had wonderful times and you have memories, but there is no way you "pushed' her into another mans arms. She willfully did this so dont blame yourself.

Maybe its a case that the relationship has run its course. It could be that simple.

As for the dogs, dogs are resiliant, they adapt and will survive so dont think about that too much. As long as you feed them, play with them and pet them, they will adapt.

And if she doesnt come back? AWESOME!! Remember "If you love her, let her go, if she comes back, no one else could stand her either" If she comes back is because 3 things happened 1. she wasnt treated like a princess 2. she didnt get her way 3. the guy couldnt put up with her. And if she does come back, only a matter of time before you are complaining again that she doesnt clean, doesnt help, you argue, you have drama, and she will be on the look out for another guy.

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You are not hopeless. Maybe there is no hope for the future of you two, but that does not mean there is no hope. So long as we have breath in our lungs, there is hope for a better future. Who knows that that will be, but I can promise you if you stand up and realise your life is yours and yours alone to live, things will get better.

 

For me that definitely came when my counsellor said she was worried that my ex was still fixed in my head everyday, that even on good days it was only thoughts of her being miserable and potentially coming back that were making me feel better.

 

I realised I had to do something, or I would end up on medication, or depression or worse. That's when I got the St Johns wart, and started doing mindfulness meditation twice every day. It also helps to spend twenty minutes everyday just brainstorming every thought about them that comes to mind. Then for the rest of the day, do your best to shut off those thoughts about them.

 

Most days I feel the same way as you. It would be... immensely difficult to rebuild a relationship with these people. Which I why I know I cannot/will not chase her, will not go anywhere near her unless she offers a solemn apology. At which point I might be capable of at least listening to what she has to say.

 

And the only way I could possibly consider getting back together would be for her to somehow show me she's changed, that she KNOWS she cheated, that she made a terrible mistake, that it was not just my actions but hers that undermined what was once a great relationship. Somehow she would need to earn back that trust that I once gave her freely.

 

I guess I see it that if she truly has learnt from the experience, she would then truly know what she wanted. Whereas any new person I date, have they learnt this? Or is there a chance teh same thing would eventually happen?

 

But anyway, I seriously don't see any of this happening any more.

 

You would be surprised who else is out there. I joined tinder just to chat with a few girls, and found the girl I went for a date with the other night. We share a lot of common interests in animals, tv shows, travel, and intellect. She is very good looking and very intelligent. She has already made up her mind on a lot of political things and came to the same conclusions as me (my ex always based her views on what others told her, rather than reaching them herself).

I'm not even sure I'm ready to date, but I sure as hell don't want to miss any more of life because of my ex.

 

And yes, that history you had with your ex is over, whether she comes back or not. I hate that, I truly do. All the good times, all the love and kindness you showed them. Gone. But you know what else is gone? All the times you messed up, could have been better, got angry, didn't communicate, everything that went wrong with your relationship.

 

We have lost a lot. But this can also be a period of great growth. And an opportunity to start something new, with a clean slate.

 

And alternatively, if they/she does come back, perhaps it means she now truly truly knows what she wants, and will do anything to make sure they never lose it again.

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