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never felt so lost


mutiny

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It's kind of a long story.

 

I was with my fiance for almost 4 1/2 years. We met when I was 19 and he was 25 while I was going to school. He was basically my first everything. I fell really hard for him and he seemed to really fall for me too. After a few months, I caught him trying to chat up another girl at his work and confronted him. I went away for a couple of days to clear my head and we talked for a couple of weeks before deciding to give it another try. He seemed genuinely remorseful and I really liked him. I completely fell in love with him the more time we spent together. After we had been together for a year, I caught him sexting a girl from his hometown. I was distraught, and I still wanted him. Over the course of our relationship, I've caught him chatting up a bunch of girls online behind my back, doing drugs I didn't approve of behind my back, and hiding all kinds of things from me. I kept staying with him because I love him so much and have been so hopelessly attached to him and naive enough to believe that he would stop doing all those things, and if he would just stop doing those things everything would be perfect.

 

A little over a year ago, we moved accross the country together for me to start my career after I finished school, and everything seemed alright for awhile. Of course, I was still very mistrustful of him, despite how much I love him. I could never be sure he wasn't about to hurt me again, and I would question everything he did and be y for no reason. We would fight all the time. Soon, it all started up again. He would be secretive and defensive and I would catch him hiding things. Last night, I came home and he wasn't there. He never showed up at work and I was starting to get worried. I opened up my laptop and he had left his email logged in. It was full of his replies to craigslist personals giving these random girls his number and sending them pictures of his junk. After that, he finally called me from another number (he had lost his phone) and I confronted him about it. He came home and I ended it with him. I've called my family and told them about what happened to hold myself accountable.

 

Now I feel so lost. He hasn't left yet because he has nowhere else to go and his name is on the lease too. I make a lot more money than him and can probably afford to keep up this place by myself, but he doesn't make much money at his job. I suggested he stay with a friend of ours who just got his own apartment until he sorts things out for himself. I even told him I would still be willing to help him out with things and talk to him if he wanted, but our relationship is over. He wants to stay in our second bedroom and just live together as friends. There is absolutely no way I can do that and I told him so. I can be friends but I cannot live with him. I know I need to completely change my life. He doesn't want to stay with any of his buddies out here because he says it doesn't feel like home and he either wants to stay living with me or take a bus accross the country to go back to his hometown and never speak to me again. Obviously, I know the right thing to do is to let him go completely. It hurts so bad though because I can see how much pain it causes him for me to tell him he can't live with me anymore. This person has been my closest and best friend for the last 4+ years, and watching him hurt like that makes me feel like I've abandoned him as many of his family members and friends have. He has had a difficult life and has personality issues (bipolar disorder), but I know I can't help him anymore. It just hurts so bad. All of my family and friends are on the other side of the country so I have no support system, and I have to keep going to work and acting like everything is ok.

 

I know I'm doing the right thing by not letting him stay. He's working out what he's going to do right now and I know I have to hold him to it and not give in. I just can't help but feel so guilty for not just breaking up with him when he first started sneaking around on me. I'm worry about his physical and mental well-being, as well as my own. I shouldn't have asked him to move accross the country with me. I thought I could move past things and I've never been able to, and I feel responsible for what's happening now even though I know it's not my fault. Was I wrong? Should I offer couples therapy as a solution before it's too late? How can I get through this without a support system? I don't know what to do.

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NO you're not wrong. NO you should not offer couple therapy. STOP blaming yourself ! Jesus you forgave the guy multiple times for cheating on you and you still feel guilty!!

It's his own goddamn fault. I know I'm being a bit extreme but I would let him rot for all I care.

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He's a liar and a cheater. You gave him chance after chance -- did he stop? Nope.

 

Please stop blaming yourself. He's not your child -- you don't OWE HIM unconditional love for the rest of his life. You owe YOURSELF, not him.

 

If he doesn't want to stay with his friends, let him take his bus cross country back to his hometown. He's busy sending photos of himself to strangers on Craigs List -- you owe him NOTHING.

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You have a very big heart to be able to feel compassion for such a despicable person. I can relate a lot to you. If you've got any vacation time or could afford it, take a trip home for a week. Ask him to be moved out by the time you get back (postpone the trip until he is actually able to move out if you can tolerate it) and regroup there. Spend some time with your family, cry as needed, and refresh your mind. When you come back, you will be alone. Wherever he chose to go doesn't need to be disclosed to you. I think, at this point, it would be best to avoid contact for some time. Let him get settled in somewhere without using you as a safety net before you even think of attempting a friendship.

 

Don't feel bad about having him move with you. Though it didn't work out, you were trying to make the best of the relationship and salvage it. He chose to go with you regardless of whether it was going to work out; turns out it didn't. Do not offer him any solutions because he will agree to it and then fail. You know this.

 

Unfortunately, part of moving accross the country means learning to be alone. There's still phone calls and Skype and care packages, but you've got to learn to be your own support system. That's something I'm currently struggling with, and my surrogate support system has been this website. Hang in there! It will get better

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How are you feeling guilty about anything?? He made all the decisions he did to cause for the actions you are taking. These were ALL his choices, not yours. There is no reason for you to feel bad about any of this. You are doing the right thing by kicking him out. You allowing him to guilt trip you into feeling bad for him is bull****. There is no excuse for anything he's done. I wouldn't let him play this whole, oh I'll stay in the second bedroom until I figure out what I am going to do. I would tell him to get out of my apartment and go to a hotel or maybe one of the floosies he was sneaking around behind your back withs houses. Stand your ground and get him out of your life, he's had more then enough chances that he didnt really deserve. You are young still, successful in your career by the sounds of it - you dont need a cheater in your life.

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Thanks for all the replies. I know you're all right. The reason I still feel guilty because I know he has severe emotional issues and has gone through a lot of trauma in his life, and has been abandoned many times. I was so willing to be the person who was always there for him, and still there next to him when we're old. He still seems to think if I would just agree to counseling we could work things out. I know I have trust issues right now, but no amount of counseling is going to make me forget all the messages I've seen in our relationship. I just feel so guilty because he is making me feel like I'm just tossing him aside and giving up on him. I know it is not my fault. I know his actions were not justifiable by anything, especially for them to happen again and again. I may have not always handled things right, but I was never unfaithful or disloyal to him. I am standing my ground, but it has been very hard today.

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How to cope with this?:

 

I don't even know how to start healing from this break up. We've been living together, so it is complicated. He has left for the day now, but I know he'll be back at least to get some of things once he decides where he wants to go. The really difficult part is he still so desperately hopes that I'll forgive him and it hurts because I truly care about him so much, but so far I feel I have successfully stood my ground. Stupidly, I have cried and told him how much I care about him, but I have been firm that he can not simply stay here and I am not going to give him another chance. His name is on the lease, so I can't just throw his things outside, and I wouldn't want to do that. I believe he should at least be able to come in at night and sleep on the couch or second bedroom if he really needs to, at least for a couple of days to get his affairs in order. We are both on the other side of the country from our family and close friends, after all. But it hurts so bad to see him, and all of the things that remind me of him. I can't really afford to go stay in a hotel somewhere, and I don't have any family or close friends out here. I talked to a few of my family members last night and this morning on the phone, and I want to keep calling and talking to them but I can't expect them to just sit on the phone with me all night and I don't want to bother them. I don't know what do. I'm going to work tomorrow, but then I'm off for the weekend. I'm dreading it. How do you start the healing process while the ex is still in the process of moving out, and how long do I give him?

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I've never lived with another person so I can't help with a few things but here's my two cents:

 

For the time being you can't heal. Not while you still see his face and hear his voice. Since you have no family or friends around, it'll take longer to heal... Once he is gone you have to start No-Contact. Don't call him, don't look for him, don't "nothing". Don't look at his facebook, don't look at pictures. Get rid of all reminders (This is going to be hard since you lived together) and STAND YOUR GROUND. No matter how much he begs you, you have to stay true to your feelings and not give in. He CHEATED on you, MULTIPLE times. If you take him back, he'll do it again and again.

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The fact that he has severe emotional issues and whatever else is not your problem, at all. Just like how he will get through this mess is also not your problem. He deserves everything that's coming to him, and more.

 

You reinforced his bad behaviour, every time you went back after finding out about his cheating. He never took you seriously because he knew that no matter how many times he cheated, you "loved" him too much to go away. He took full advantage of you and you allowed him to.

 

I will repeat this: whatever happens to him now is NOT your problem, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Was he feeling guilty when he was cheating, taking pics of his d*ck and sending them around? No. Let him live in the street, let him fend for himself. It is not your responsibility or duty to help him in any way, he made his bed now he has to lay in it. If you take him back or help him, you know what's going to happen? He will keep living comfortably with you, munch off you and your money, while still looking for ways to cheat, only he will be more cautious and will hide it better.

Couple's counselling? Nope. Why? He cheated. Repeatedly. With sleazy women from Craigslist!! It wasn't one mistake, it was many instances over the course of a few years. And if you think he only sent pics of his junk but didn't do any physical cheating, think again. It only takes 30 minutes to do it in a car!

 

So kick the jerk out, don't even listen to what he has to say, and go get yourself tested asap. And never, ever put your life in danger by listening to one word this scum has to say!

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I don't know if this will help you.. but when I was going through the same thing, my Ma told me this. I was stuck in my guilt and this need to be there for him, because of his terrible background. His dependency on me. It hurt so much letting him go because I was so in the habit of being his support.. but I knew that leaving was right.. I just couldn't stand the feeling that I was abandoning someone I loved so much. When he had no one else. This is what my Ma said - she said that what I needed to realise was that I was like a pair of stabilisers on a bike. Stopping him from learning how to ride on his own. By being his crutches, I was incapacitating him to life. That eventually I would realise, when the pain began to settle, that I was doing the best thing for both of us. Forcing him to stand on his own two feet, take responsibility for his choices, and become his own man.

 

It's hard.. Don't get me wrong. But being an enabler tears both of you apart in the end. Just remember you are doing right by not only yourself but HIM as well. It may not seem so now. But you are giving him the opportunity to become a man who accepts the consequences of his actions. Has to find his own way, support himself, be his own man and stand on his own two feet. I once heard that when someone is dealing with tjose kind of emotional disorders, letting them depend on you keeps them stuck in those issues.. I experienced that problem with my ex. And leaving him was the hardest thing... but the right thing. . Trust me

 

xxx

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