Jump to content

My Life Is Coming Apart


ceiiinosssttuu

Recommended Posts

After a difficult 3 ½-year marriage, my wife is threatening to divorce me and move 2,800 miles away (where her family lives) and take our 1 year old baby girl. I have a high-paying job, we live on 11 acres in a very rural area in a house I designed and built (am still building) myself. I am 28, and she is 39.

 

Preface: I have always had sexual issues. Since I was a teenager, I would pretend to be a girl in online chat rooms. Later it was on online dating sites. I would just make up different female characters – my “ideal” women – and BE them. (I think now they call that “catfishing”). I just wanted other people to desire me. In real life, I would have sex with any girl who was nice to me, or showed any interest at all. There has always been a gaping emotional hole in my life that needs to be filled with sex.

 

We met online when I was in college. At the time, I was single and having sex regularly with about ten different girls (including an open BDSM relationship with an older woman), but we started dating and I fell in love with her. After I graduated she wanted to move in with me. We relocated to the state where I grew up, I got a steady, high-paying job. We had a dream: to get married, buy land, build a house off-grid, grow gardens, raise animals, and have 2 children who would grow up in a self-sufficient, rural lifestyle.

 

But even when I was in a committed relationship, I continued to pretend to be girls online, out of habit. I was living this “double life”, and it got out of control. A few months before we got married, I cheated on her. Worst mistake of my life. I felt awful about it, and I didn’t do it again. But, about a year later, (after we were married) she found out. Exposed, I suddenly saw how ugly I was, and I was devastated and ashamed. I begged her to stay. I committed to fixing myself. We both saw counselors. Eventually, we agreed to stay together and try to rebuild. We bought our land, and for the next 3 years I worked myself into the ground between a full-time day job, and building our own house (with cash). We made a beautiful baby girl. And, I made good on my promise: I have been “clean” ever since – no more cheating, no more online pretending.

 

But it’s very clear we don’t love each other anymore. After she got pregnant, we went over a year without having sex, and we have only had sex a handful of times since then. Sometimes we can hardly stand each other. Raising the baby as a stay-at-home mom has been hard for her, with very little help (because I have been working full-time and trying to finish our house) even though it’s what we both wanted. She is lazy and overweight, and clearly unhappy. It has been three-and-a-half years, and she still says she will never forgive me for what I did to her. She will always hold a grudge. I have already hated myself for years, and don’t want to hate myself for the rest of my life. But if we get a divorce, our whole dream is destroyed: all the time and money I have put into building our beautiful house and our beautiful homestead, having another baby, homeschooling our children, raising them to garden, care for animals, build things, and play in the woods.

 

I don’t find her attractive anymore. I struggle every day with my repressed sexuality, and I fantasize constantly about other women, especially older women. (Sometimes divorce seems enticing, and I get excited about drowning my sorrows in the beds of every 40-something woman who will have me.) But I love my daughter, more than my own life, and I love our dream. Aside from the lack of sex, I feel wonderful when I am at home, in the woods, building things. All I want to do is “make the best” of what we have, try to fix it, so I can give my daughter a good life (and hopefully another baby too).

 

I just don’t know how to do it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You worked yourself into the ground between a full-time job and building a house. She's having a hard time being a stay at home mom. You're both appear individually unhappy because of the choices you're making in what you're doing. Often couples make the choice for this type of stagnancy to avoid rocking the boat and to control emotional discomfort. I understand the work that you were doing helped you deal with your emotional discomfort and your former patterns of dealing with that discomfort.

 

But life is about living, exploring, and learning. Individually you both need challenges and experiences that push you to grow. It's important get outside of your comfort zone. What can each of you do individually, to push beyond your that comfort? What can you do to be in life, to let go of control, and to experience new things?

 

It seems for her (from what you're saying) to be a stay at home mom isn't working. And for you, working long hours and on the house isn't working anymore. Do something different.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like you are in love with the idea of married life and not necessarily the woman you married. All I hear is how scared you are of losing your hard work and your dream but not her and her love.

 

I don't have to tell you cheating is a horrible thing, you already know it. It is unfair of her, though, to say that she will move past it and then go one to have a baby with you only to hold this over your head later.

 

If you want to stay together I suggest a lot more counseling. She needs to explore within herself finding peace with what you did, and learning to forgive & build. Actually forgive.

 

You need to seek out help in regards to your sexual desires. I mean, people "role play" all the time, so there is nothing wrong with the thrill of being someone else, but something is up with pretending to be a girl online. I'm just gonna say this straight up--have you considered that you may be bi-sexual? In any case, obviously you two are on different worlds when it comes to sex. Just the fact that you were juggling a sexual relationship with 10 women at once speaks volumes. Did she know this about you before entering the committed relationship? Personally, I would want to know that kind of stuff before marrying someone.

 

Its obvious that you find joy in building and that's something you can get passionate about. Perhaps that can be something to focus on positively instead of trolling the internet and having daydreams about cougars. But the key word here is positive. I'm drawing from my own emotions here - but I wonder if you are "working yourself into the ground" with this hobby, just to show your wife "look how unhappy i am when i can't express myself sexually, so i have to do this" Just a hunch.

 

Refer again to my top paragraph, and assess whether or not you want to be with your wife or whether you only want that 11 acre dreamhouse & life. Obviously, with all you've been through you are not going to feel those same feelings and it will take work to truly love each other again..but please don't get back together with her just for the sake of this textbook family you want to have.

 

 

edit: with all this said, i want to echo the lawyer comment in regards to your daughter. i didn't address that at all, and you have rights.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really don't think it's fair that she continued the relationship with you before any commitments were holding you together apart from a marriage. However, cheating on her would have created a lot of damage in her trust and it seems like ever since you have been throwing yourself into work and building - and not the actual relationship that you damaged, badly. Making lots of money and building a home might have been your way of making things better, but I think what she needed was plenty of love, quality time, attention and reassurance.

Saying that, as quark said, you show no grief in losing her - simply the life you both wanted. Technically you could have had that life with anyone and you would have been happy. Except for the online role playing and cheating on her with other women, sort of leads me to believe that it wasn't her you were in love with. You just wanted someone to make babies with.

 

I don't agree with her moving so far away, but I do agree with the relationship ending. You both deserve to be happy, and perhaps just having a companion/baby maker is good enough for you but I think she wants love and commitment, which is something you weren't able to give her at a very crucial time in the marriage. Perhaps negotiating with her the distance she is taking your child should be on the cards first, before you seek legal help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But if we get a divorce, our whole dream is destroyed: all the time and money I have put into building our beautiful house and our beautiful homestead, having another baby, homeschooling our children, raising them to garden, care for animals, build things, and play in the woods.

 

This right here is what your main issue is. You are in love with the dream, not your wife. Not once in your explanation of this does it ever say "and I loose her". It's all about the beautiful house you built, kids, your ideal life for your kids.

 

I think you lost love for this women before the marriage, otherwise you probably wouldn't of cheated at all. I think you were in love with dream that the two of your shared at the time and the fact that she wanted to give it to you so you were blinded by the dream. But now things have changed. She knows your secret and she is not only not going to move past it and the dream the two of you shared was shattered and it is probably not something she wants to share with you anymore or at all.

 

More counselling probably isn't going to fix the fact that there is no more love in your marriage. The only thing now that you can do is hold your head high and let this run its course. Speak to a lawyer about your legal rights, I am pretty sure you have the right to not allow her to leave with your daughter.

 

You've done what you've had to for the last 3 1/2 years to try and fix the mistake you made but she obviously has a lot more hate towards you and what you did then you thought. If she isn't ever going to forgive you, its time to realize that it's probably best to move forward individually. I doubt this dream of yours has your daughter growing up in a house where her parents can't stand being near eachother, don't love eachother and are full of resentment towards eachother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The "dream" is based on false hopes, lies, cheating and no love. This isn't your "dream" it is a shallow shell of what you think the perfect life is. Underneath it all would be a loveless marriage, an unhappy wife, and children eventually being torn between two parents far apart. I guess it would be a dream, OP - but that's all it would be. There's no reality in that dream, not with her at least.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sometimes I think I still love her. I care a great deal about her; she is part of my family. I want us both to be happy, together. People can learn to love each other again, right? We just aren't giving each other what we need: she needs my reassurance, kindness, and love, and I need her forgiveness, hard work/commitment, and sexual desire. I make honest attempts to give her reassurance, kindness, and love, but of course I make mistakes a lot of the time, and she can be very intolerant. But I don't feel she is trying to give me what I need. When I ask her for it, she is offended and angry, with a "how dare you" attitude.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...