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How can I trust more in my boyfriend?


ezra

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Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for about 8 months now. When we were starting our relationship I didn't want to show my jealousy (even if they were small things) because I thought I didn't have the right to be yelling at him over something stupid. So months passed, and sometimes I out of curiosity checked his phone when he was taking a shower or when he wasn't seeing. There was nothing wrong there. But then about two weeks ago he told me what he did in high school (I mean, we are both 19)... he slept with at least two other girls besides me, and apparently one of those girls was a cheat because he was still going out with his ex. So after he told me that I felt extremely insecure, to the point where we almost broke up because I felt like he was hiding something from me... (well, there were other issues involving him not being caring and stuff).

We made up again but sometimes he doesn't want to show me his phone. He only wants to show it to me when he has had time to delete messages... Something deep inside me says that he isn't cheating on me. I myself don't want to show my phone to him sometimes because I have convos with friends complaining about certain aspects of my relationship or things like that - not that I'm cheating, but I would not want him to see those convos.

 

I really love him and I know he loves me too. But I just want to be more trustful, this is slowly killing our relationship. I'm always accusing him of cheating on me, making jokes about it, and I can tell he's tired of it. I don't want to fight anymore. What can I do?

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Part of it is just taking time to put things into perspective and let it go. It sounds like you have trust issues; not just with your current boyfriend. You've already said that there are innocent conversations you wouldn't want him to see on your phone, so just keep reminding yourself of that. A lot of times we get so worked up about our current relationships, like they're an end all be all. But relationships are finite. Whether they end because of death, divorce, break up, etc. Thinking about it that way might help you not be so focused on the negatives and the "what if" we break up because of xyz. Just stay positive and enjoy the time you spend together. Keep open communication with him and tell him how you feel about what happened with his ex. Not blaming him, but just letting him know that you're uncomfortable and need his support.

Best of luck!

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I have come to think of trust and vulnerability in relationship to each other. In the past I would jump in quickly if I wanted to, and then later struggle with feeling vulnerable and out of balance. Now I see that I need to calibrate my emotions and my trust level so they develop together. In other words, as I fall for him, trust him more. If I am not ready to trust him more, then don't completely fall for him yet.

 

Easier said then done, especially at 19, I know. Things were so intense for me at 19!

 

Another thing I think about is that I can control myself and only myself. So, if I think he is cheating, or doing something that I would not want in my relationship, then I take a wait and see stance. There is no point in telling him what to do, or what not to do. I don't want to be his keeper. Wondering what he is up to is a sign that I am emotionally vulnerable and that I need to back off a teensy bit to see how we evolve.

 

There are times in a relationship when we may wonder if we should be with someone else. Over a life time, that is a natural experience. At 19, that is a natural experience. Don't be afraid to see him a little less often so you can focus on your friendships, your school and/or your job, and just to keep yourself in balance emotionally.

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Thank all of you. I have also thought of stopping to think about him that much, and to take things lightly. To see him less often to focus on myself and on my issues. I don't think I'm obsessed with him... When we almost broke up I finally felt like I was getting a big weight off of myself. I felt happy speaking out, because I didn't talk to him about what made me unhappy. He does what he has to do I guess... he pays more attention to his friends than to me, he has said that if he were to choose between them and me he would choose them, he isn't always looking forward to being with me... He said to me one night, how much he loved me... but previous relationships ed him up and he doesn't want to fall for me completely because he is scared of getting hurt. This is my first relationship so I can sort of understand him... I guess I need to spend more time with myself and my friends and stop thinking about him that much and maybe if he loves me and if we are meant to be he will look after me...

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