I'm his best friend, but yet he won't tell me what's going on in his life???

[Ashley S]

This guy friend of mine (Jim) has been distant with me. He helped me out, and always told me how much he loved me, and even got noticeably jealous of other guys, even at one point he said to a guy "that's my girl" when we never dated or anything! He said I am his "best friend" and how much he loves me, even joked about marrying me etc. Well my other guy friend Kevin is a big mouth, and a gossip and he is always trying to set me up on dates and Valentines Day was coming up and I knew Kevin was going to set me up with someone, so to avoid that, I said I was dating someone. He is best friends with Jim, and Kevin is a big mouth, but I still don't know if he told Jim or not, but then weirdly Jim came over my house like 4 days prior to V-day, but he messaged my mom on Facebook and said this "I knocked at your door last night around 6. The car was in the driveway, but I guess nobody was home?" My mom said "Oh I am so sorry, Jim! Nobody was home, Brooke (which is me) got the car stuck in the driveway with all that snow, and so Brooke left, before her dad came home, cause she didn't want to hear him yell at her, lol! You should have texted or called Brooke, and at least you could have waited inside until someone got here"

 

He didn't reply to the message, then later on that day he said he was in a relationship with so and so on Facebook. Out of nowhere he does this, and it's like he didn't call or text to tell me he was coming over. Then on V-day I posted pics of me going out and I was going on a date. He still wasn't talking to me. So my friends have been telling me what's going on in his life, and how bad everything is in his life, so I figured I would text him and see how he is. He replied very fast to my text messages, like within seconds, but he seems short, vague and disinterested. I asked him how he was and he replied with "I'm good. Just trying to keep busy and get caught up"

 

He is not good! But he's holding back from telling me. He told me his deepest issues before, so why is he holding back from telling me what's really going on in his life? Is it cause he thinks I have a boyfriend? Jealousy? Like I said he has been weirdly distant, and it was ever since I said to my other guy friend Kevin, that I am dating someone, but I don't know. I just don't get it, Jim praises me and says i'm his "Best friend" but yet he won't tell me what's going on in his life? Also he took the relationship thing off his facebook. Any opinions? ANy thoughts? Thank you!

[Ashley S]

Also I would just like to add that he is all over Facebook and Instagram talking to people, joking around etc. When I tried joking with him through texting and he would just give me short replies like "Haha" He seemed very disinterested, and vague, but yet with other people he's having long convos, and joking around? And he's telling our friends his problems? But he won't tell me his problems. I just take it personally, cause if he was acting like how the way he's acting with me with everyone then I wouldn't take offense. I just don't want to lose my friend, and I don't understand why he's acting this way towards me? He like 3 weeks ago helped me out of a bad situation, and it just seems like he wants nothing to do with me, but like I said I don't know if it's because he thinks I have a boyfriend? And he's jealous? I just want opinions, thank you!

[HeartGoesOn]

If he's a good friend, he'd be happy if you had a boyfriend as opposed to being jealous. He's acting perfectly normal for someone that has a new girlfriend, and I'm sure he's not ignoring his friends on purpose.

[abitbroken]

Well - you should stop playing games.

 

Jim clearly is smitten with you. He intended to take you out on V-Day, I would imagine.

 

I just don't get it, Jim praises me and says i'm his "Best friend" but yet he won't tell me what's going on in his life? Also he took the relationship thing off his facebook. Any opinions? ANy thoughts? Thank you!

 

You hid this person you were dating (even though you made it up) also. SO he could say the same about you. You really should have just told Kevin not to set you up.

 

You need to set things straight. You need to come clean and tell Jim that you lied to Kevin so he wouldn't set you up with someone this year, and if you have feelings for Jim, you need to tell him so, that you want to date him. It is very wrong to know how Jim feels for you and then to string him along.

 

If you have no feelings for Jim, then you have to tell him so and let him go as a friend.

 

If he does not date anyone else, tells you that he loves you etc, and wants to marry you someday, he may not be asking you to date because it is like you already are or he is hesitant because he doesn't think you feel the same way about him.

 

(i mean, there is the off chance he is a commitmentphobe and likes the set up of "best friends" but there is a good chance that he would jump at the chance if you were interested in him).

 

So please, stop making this about "how rude Jim is" and go after him. You need to be bold and stop joking on text. This is no joke at this point. You need to either get him to meet you in person which is best, or if he won't talk to you, talk on the phone.

 

EDIT: I see he has a girlfirend now, but he might not have a girlfriend and is just saying he does because you are not available now supposedly, or he quickly found someone. You need to come totally clean - now or never - or let him go and stop trying to get him to talk to you. It really did seem if he drove to your house on v day he had something important to say, though. Don't be the girl who only wants someone when they can't have them, either, but you have to be honest with yourself, too.

 

Or if you guys do end up being friends more again, you need to tell him to stop saying those things "my girl, etc" becaues it is confusing to you if he doesn't mean them

[Ashley S]

Thank you for your informative answer! I do appreciate it! I technically didn't make it up cause I really did have a date for V-day, but I said I was "dating" someone, and that is a lie cause I just had a date. It was nothing serious, but I made it sound like I had a boyfriend in a way. Yeah, I understand I need to come clean with him, but I am just not ready for a relationship with anyone right now cause of the issues I have my life. I love him as a friend though and I just don't want to lose him as a friend. I did tell him like 2 months ago that I just wanted to be friends with him, and he seemed ok with it, but in a attitude voice he said "Did you just friend zone me?" But he still talked to me after that, so I thought everything was cool. He even helped me out like 3 weeks ago. But then it's when I told Kevin that I was dating someone, and I posted pics of me going out on V-day he has been really distant, vague, and disinterested in me. He didn't ask how I was or anything. I just feel bad, but I just don't know if it's jealousy? Also the relationship thing was a lie, cause he posted that he was in a relationship with this girl and then he takes it off like a week after Valentines day. Also he's flirting with other girls on Facebook, so I know he's not in a relationship and he just said that. Thank you again! I appreciate your answer, very informative!

[Ayanokōji]

He probably likes you s e x u a l l y. Had to spell it out for you just in case you didn't get it =).

 

You mentioned he gets jealous of you and other GUYS, this is a gender specific bias and a obvious hint that he likes you more than just a friend.

 

Anyways, ask yourself if you really want to deal with his drama, if he doesn't want to talk to you then carry on with your life.

[CeeLambrini]

Sounds like a lot of games being played - for one though, sounds like he had feelings for you and was hanging on to see if something could happen between you. Seems like he got sick of waiting and now has a new girlfriend, therefore doesn't need you around anymore.

In a friendship, someone having more feelings for the other person creates a false friendship. A hidden agenda, an ulterior motive. He was happy to become close to you but as soon as he found out you were dating someone he gave up wanting to be with you and dated someone else.

It doesn't make him a bad person, and it doesn't make the bond between you fake. He just perceived the bond in a different way to you and now he knows it's not going anywhere, he's left. This is better for him, too. Clinging onto a hope to be with you is only going to make his chances of happiness very slim. Let him go, he has feelings for you that you're not going to return any time soon.

[abitbroken]

What is the difference between seeing Jim all the time and no relationship vs having a relationship with Jim? It is pretty cruel to tell him after all this time "i don't want a relationship right now because I have stuff to deal with" generically vs treating him like a true friend and telling him "I am trying to get out of debt and don't think its fair to be in a relationship until i do" or whatever the REAL reason is. Anything else vague will seem like you just don't want HIM and are making something up.

 

If he is willing to accept you for "the stuff that is going on in your life," why not make a go, unless you just don't want a relationship with JIM? I met my bf during an imperfect time in my life. No time in life is perfect.

 

So be honest - a relationship with Jim doesn't seem like it would be high maintenance because he already loves you and is willing to accept you for who you are. You are already most of the way into a relationship with him - but is it that you don't want HIM - he doesn't have the looks you want, or something else? Or is there a legitimate reason = like you are working through a severe trust issue, that you are afraid to get into a relationship.

 

Friendships end or turn into a relationship once one person has declared their feelings. You rejected him - you friendzoned him, so don't expect to see him around anymore. The only way to save this is if you truly want to be with Jim and be willing to allow him to accept your flaws or what you are going through right now - which he apparently does. You can't have him friendzoned after a confession and expect everything to be like normal. Hearing you are dating someone is the nail in the coffin on him thinking he still had a chance.

 

And why do we have to go on V-Day with someone like its prom? Hurry up and find a date who means nothing to us as a one time thing?

 

So - next time you have a "guy friend" think about what you want up front and don't lead him on. This is why "best friends" for guys/girls don't work unless one of them is gay.

[Ashley S]

Yeah, I understand that. I guess in my head though I knew he had feelings for me, but I didn't think they were really genuine. He flirts and messes around with a lot of girls, so I thought if I were to give in and actually try and have a relationship with him, I don't think it would happen, cause he's more the player type. I guess I thought in my head "Yeah right, you just want to get in my pants" Cause I do like him a lot, and I know I couldn't handle a friends with benefits, that I would want a relationship out of him. I am just overly protective of my heart, but I do love Jim, and I told him I just wanted to be friends with him, so it's not like I lead him on. I am at the point cause he is so unpredictable and since I am so unsure of him, I am at the point where "I would rather have him as a friend, than not have him at all" But I understand if he has strong feelings and I am not reciprocating. It's because of the issues that's going on in my life, and I feel like that has to be my prime focus, and plus I don't know if he sincerely likes, or just wants to be a friends with benefits. So that is why I am so conflicted. But thank you so much for commenting! I do appreciate it!

[Ashley S]

When he was dating a girl back in September, he wouldn't tell me about it. He told other people that they have been dating, and that he has a girlfriend. I knew the girl he was going out with, but yet he would deny that he went out with her. He would just always say "We're friends that's it" when my other friends said that he would be detailed about their sex life, and how they call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, I knew it was a lie, cause I could even tell when I was around him how the way he would act, so that's why when he says "He loves me" and says "We're soulmates" and you are "One of my best friends" He said other things, I just can't think of right now. I really don't know if it's genuine? So I am protecting myself in a way. Cause I wouldn't be able to handle a friends with benefits type relationship.

[Ashley S]

Then one time my girlfriend was texting him and she said "Are you dating Hannah W., she said you guys have been dating for awhile, I don't want to text you if that's true lol! Cause you know how girls are! Haha!" He replied with "No I never dated Hannah W., I never had dated her, haven't talked to her in months" "I am not gonna date for awhile. I am gonna screw any girl I see in the meantime, but no relationships" "I don't need another Jessica! (which is his ex)"

 

So when he said that to my friend, that also put me on the fence, cause it's like does he just look at me as a booty call then? But in my head I am thinking "well it doesn't matter cause I am content with having him as a friend" I was ok, with us just being friends. So his motives I was very unsure about. Everytime we are around each other he makes it point that he likes me one way or another where he'll literally ask if I want to have sex with him, or he'll flirt, or he'll say I love you to me, he always says something when I am around him, but again I always just think "He's a player, he's not genuine" But I don't know. Also V-day is so stupid, and I hate that holiday and I don't even think it should be a holiday, but this other guy friend of mine, just really wanted to go out with me on V-day so I agreed to go with him, cause I knew he wouldn't try anything, or expect anything, cause he honestly just looks at me as a friend, BUT even if he did expect me to have sex with him, I wouldn't mind cause my emotions and feelings don't run deep with him, so it would be easy, and it wouldn't be so conflicted. Where as with Jim it does, and I know for a fact if I were to have sex with Jim and then he tells me he just wants a FWB then I would be devastated, and feel used and hurt, cause I like him a lot, where as my other guy friend I kinda have no feelings for on a intimate level.

[Ashley S]

@ abitbroken Sorry I don't know why my response to abitbroken is so jumbled. But I do have genuine feelings for him, I do have trust issues, I have anxiety and depression as well. I don't have a job, or a car right now, and I am living with my parents, so I just feel like a total loser that has nothing to offer. I am going to college in may, but I feel like I need to get my priorities straight before hopping into any relationship cause I feel like it would just be unhealthy then. I need to work on myself, and he knows that. I also told him I just wanted to be friends with and he seemed ok with that. He never really bared his soul or told his true feelings to me. We never really had a long talk about how we feel towards one another. He would just say things, like "We're soulmates" "I love you" and other things, but I just cant think of. He is kinda the player type so I was a afraid to that if his feelings aren't genuine, and he's just saying this to sleep with me. So I was also protective of my heart. But thank you, and read my other responses cause they were suppose to be for you, lol! Thank you!

[abitbroken]

Okay - you have to stop putting friends up to talking to him. Of course he is going to tell your friend that he is not up for a relationship and just wants to screw around because he doesn't want your friend thinking he wants a relationship with HER.

 

Jim was willing to be with you - and you were willing to go on a date with someone else - despite not having a car, living with your parents, etc. He knows you are anxious and is best friends with you anyways. He does think you have something to offer. At the age of 20, it is pretty normal to live with your folks. And having a car can be a 50-50 shot and is just a temporary situation. You are in college and you won't be in that predicament forever.

 

If Jim was a player, he would say sweet things to you, then barely give you the time of day. He is your best friend and he has SHOWN you that he cares for you. Of course he is going to be flirty with other girls because he is not in a relationship. He has the right to do that. And also, your idea of flirting might not really be flirting. it might just be friendly - who knows.

 

Anyway - it really would have been better to tell Jim that you have feelings for him to, but you are worried with you not having a car, etc, you don't have enough to bring to the table and you are worried about your depression. Then it would be up to him to tell you that's horse pucky. Or he could say that he understands, but might stick there instead of going away if he knows that you care, too.

 

Also, guys usually don't tell someone that they are soulmates or that they love them and then not have their feelings be genuine. It takes a lot for most guys to say stuff like that.

 

Most times in a relationship, no one has a big heart felt talk. Its a series of little talks.

 

I do think you should get a handle on your anxiety. Just sitting at home won't do anything - get some counseling or support. And part of your depression could be that you are wallowing about your not having a car. So see what you can do to get one. One step forward at a time.

 

I would just work on getting yourself in order for yourself and next time you have true feelings - say them. Even if people both have true feelings they can decide whether a relationship is right for them and not end up in a relationship, rather than being kind of upset that the person is not just sitting and waiting for you and has moved on

[abitbroken]

Where as with Jim it does, and I know for a fact if I were to have sex with Jim and then he tells me he just wants a FWB then I would be devastated, and feel used and hurt, cause I like him a lot, where as my other guy friend I kinda have no feelings for on a intimate level.

 

You are worried about stuff that may or may not happen so are not letting anything happen. If Jim is your best friend and expressed his feelings and you expressed yours, it would not be a FWB. FWB is when two people decide to have sex with eachother just for a release and agree that it is not a relationship and don't see eachother outside of sex encounters pretty much. If you had sex with someone you have a bond with and then say "i am not a FWB!" it is insulting. Not all guys are predators out for a screw. Rather, if you had dated him, you could just take it slow.

 

I really think you need to get a handle on things because you will never experience much in life if you are always thinking about the worst case scenario.

 

Maybe you aren't ready for a relationship because of this. But apparently he was okay with it.

 

When you are ready to be honest with people and not have your friends bait a guy you like by asking them about who they are dating and reporting back to you, then maybe you can have a relationship with someone.

[Ashley S]

Well my friend has a boyfriend and Jim knows that cause he's friends with her boyfriend. I didn't tell her to text him or anything! She did that herself. I didn't even know about it until, she told me that she texted him, and the reason why she texted him was because 1 day prior I was saying to her that I think Jim is dating Hannah, who is a girl I kinda know through mutual friends. Well I told my girlfriend that, and she then apparently texted him to see if it was true, cause she felt bad for me I guess. Then she tells me the next day that she texted him and this is what he said. So she did that all herself, I had nothing to do with that, and I even said to her "Why would you text him and ask him that? That kinda seems obvious!" She just said "oh no I was having a text conversation about my car to him, and then I mentioned Hannah, it's not like I just texted him about Hannah, I worked my way into that topic" But I don't think he said that to her, to let her know he's not interested in her, cause he knows she's unavailable and my girlfriend and her boyfriend are like sickingly in love with each other, lol! So there is definitely no chance of cheating.

[Ashley S]

@ abitbroken And the only reason why I went on a date with my guy friend, was because it was casual. It was nothing serious. I feel like I can date, I am just not ready for serious relationships. Like yeah, I can go out on dates, to parties and whatever, but it's not serious to do those things, and neither was my date on V-day. He was bored and he asked me like a day prior if I could be his date and if we can go out on V-day and I agreed, it was nothing serious. With Jim though it's different, like I wouldn't want to casually date him.

 

But I think you're right. I have to have some sort of talk with him. Right now is not a good time though cause he's going through a lot of bad things, and I just don't want to bother him with this right now. Like if he was in good spirits then I definitely would just tell him the situation, but I am holding off for now. But thank you for your input, I really do appreciate it!

[Ashley S]

Those are good points! I understand! I am seeing a Psychologist for my trust issues, anxiety and depression. But it's still hard for me to decipher, cause like I said he kept that girl hidden from me back in September, like he wouldn't admit it to me that he was dating her. But to other people he did. So it's kinda hard for me to trust him.

[Ashley S]

He probably likes you s e x u a l l y. Had to spell it out for you just in case you didn't get it =).

 

You mentioned he gets jealous of you and other GUYS, this is a gender specific bias and a obvious hint that he likes you more than just a friend.

 

Anyways, ask yourself if you really want to deal with his drama, if he doesn't want to talk to you then carry on with your life.

 

LOL! I know he likes me sexually cause he has on many occasions offered to have sex with me, drunk and sober, so that is no surprise, haha! Trust me there are tons of stories I can tell how he got into it, and got super jelaous with other guys. LOL! Thank you for commenting!

[abitbroken]

LOL! I know he likes me sexually cause he has on many occasions offered to have sex with me, drunk and sober, so that is no surprise, haha! Trust me there are tons of stories I can tell how he got into it, and got super jelaous with other guys. LOL! Thank you for commenting!

 

Jim clearly is into you. So when you rejected him, of course, he is going to take off. He is not going to waste his time on you any more. He has expressed his interest in crude ways (sexual propositions while drunk) and some very nice ways (just being there for you, coming by on V-Day, calling you "his girl", told you he loves you.) and some kind of cheesey ways (we are soulmates), but you were sitting around waiting for a deep heartfelt conversation. Men often don't have those deep heartfelt confessions like in movies - it is often in a million little things. (and telling you he loves you IS a heartfelt confession).

 

It is fair that you decided to reject him - it is your right - but don't expect him to be there for you anymore. It is not "drama" that he is not hanging around. You rejected him fair and square. The drama is that you won't realize that once someone is rejected by a love interest, if they have self respect, they are going to move on instead of sitting next to them like a puppy in hopes. I am surprised that he is even responding to you by text. You just being jokey with him probably cuts into him a little.

 

I would either go radio silence and if he contacts you, go from there, or I would get myself together and say how you really feel once and for all. And be genuine. But no sending little playful texts. But if he has a girlfriend, i would err on the side of leaving him be, not wondering and getting yourself together and getting your life in order.

[Ashley S]

I understand, but I thought we had an agreement that we would just be friends. It's not a thing, where I thought he could just be my lap dog or something? When he was flirting with me, I thought it wasn't genuine, and I thought a lot of the things weren't genuine cause like I said he's the player type and I am thinking he is just saying these things to just get in my pants. So I didn't really think it was heartfelt, I guess. I helped him out a lot, and I was a friend for him in other ways, like yeah I didn't have sex with him, but I helped him out in other ways, and I helped him through his problems with his ex, I helped him through personal problems, etc. I was there for him, as a friend. I told him I just wanted to be friends with him, so I thought that we both were on the same page, and we both were ok with being friends. I do expect him to move on, cause I am obviously not ready for a relationship, but I don't want to lose my friend, that is all. I love him dearly as a friend right now, and I was just hurt him to see him not be in my life anymore. I understand though if it's because he wants a relationship with me, and that's why he's distancing himself. I can understand that, but it's so hard for me to believe that he actually wants a relationship out of me. So I don't think I am grasping the severity of his attraction towards me, I just thought this whole time it was almost like "I'll try with her, but no hard feelings, because i'm player who screws any girl, basically" So I just thought this whole entire time, it was just part of his player mantra, and that he really didn't take it seriously when I rejected him. Like I said I was there for him though, and treated him with respect, and helped him out so many times. I really valued our friendship, not once have I ever looked at him like "Haha, i'll reject you, and you be my lap dog, and wait around hoping to be with me" I truly looked at what we had as a friendship, I didn't have any bad intentions towards him what so ever. But thank you for replying!

[abitbroken]

You need to get ahold of yourself and grow some self esteem. Seriously. You make excuses thinking the other person must be nuts, a player, insincere for liking you. You don't think someone could actually like you or you are not worthy of it. someone is not a "player' if he is merely flirting with girls. He is a young man who is not dead and thinks women are attractive, or he is merely complimenting them and you think that means he's a player or being inappropriate. You might be surprised - I bet you he has not slept around with tons of girls like you imagine - has dated a couple. Just because he's social doesn't mean he's a "player"

 

And that he really didn't take it seriously when I rejected him.

 

Really??? Men have feelings too, you know...Men DO take it seriously when they open their heart up and a woman rejects him. He was probably testing the waters for a long time - he was emotionally confiding in you about his breakup, etc, and then later was dropping hints about being his girl, etc. And he thought you would reciprocate. Okay - you don't want a relationship. That's fine, but you really think that he doesn't have an ego or heart that could be bruised and only women take it seriously when they are friendzoned or completely rejected flat out?

 

many times. I really valued our friendship, not once have I ever looked at him like "Haha, i'll reject you, and you be my lap dog

 

No - but you being upset that he isn't responding to you is you expecting the friendship will go on just like before. And it won't. You guys are NOT friends - friendship ends when there are feelings - even if its one sided.

 

Anyway - I am glad you are opening your eyes and becoming not completely oblivious. If you need to get yourself together before you date - then don't date anyone at all - get yourself together. Hang out with other female people and relatives and don't get entangled. No close male friends who confuse your care for interest. Get your counseling, your car - whatever you need...

[Ashley S]

Thanks! I understand! I am just hurt and sad that I guess he doesn't want to be in my life anymore. I understand though, if it's because he feels he'll never get a relationship out of me. I understand that I ruined something, and I am too naïve and thought that we were cool with being good friends. I spent a year with him, and it's hard when I think about the fun times, and the funny situations we were in that I won't be having anymore of those, no more memories with him I guess. Only time will tell. Thank you, but now I am just accepting the reality of this, and I am just deeply saddened and hurt by this.

[abitbroken]

Thanks! I understand! I am just hurt and sad that I guess he doesn't want to be in my life anymore. I understand though, if it's because he feels he'll never get a relationship out of me. I understand that I ruined something, and I am too naïve and thought that we were cool with being good friends. I spent a year with him, and it's hard when I think about the fun times, and the funny situations we were in that I won't be having anymore of those, no more memories with him I guess. Only time will tell. Thank you, but now I am just accepting the reality of this, and I am just deeply saddened and hurt by this.

 

All we can do is learn. And the "lets just be friends" means - we are not enemies, we are on friendly terms if we bump into eachother in the street. But it doesn't mean you are besties .

[Rabbit 5]

Good luck and I hope you have happy ending