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Too weak to break up...


jacks

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Hello everyone, it's my first time here.

 

I have relationship problem... I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend 2 years (and 3 months) and there are some serious issues between us. We are both 20 and we are students. First year and a half it was excellent, we know each other from high school (same class) and we're together since 4th grade high school... During last year something changed. She has very difficult personality, very stubborn, controlling, strict, with jealous issues... and also very dominant person mentally, unlike me. she also told me that i have too weak personality for her dozens of times. We rarely see each other since she studies japanese so hard, she is amazing student and this autumn she will go there for a year.

 

as you can see:

I am too weak to break up, she told me that she wants actually to break up but because i dont want and i'm persistent she chose to stay together... Maybe its true, maybe not, but that freackin hurts.

 

We see each other once, twice a week, arguing every second time about stupid small things that i forget next day.

 

We have sex once in a month, and didnt had sex since december last year! Usually because i annoy her with something minor and stupid, most of the time she doesnt want without a reason! She just doesnt feel like it, most of the time.

 

She doesn't respect me. Because she thinks that i mistreat her all of the time. Simply... She CONTROLS me, even if i dont mistreat her (which i do, but rarely)... she is overreacting much, easily offended, also offends me and my personality a lot.

 

From the outside she is just average nerdy, calm girl, but from inside - she is awful. She is double Scorpio in horoscope - although i dont believe in that, its the most vicious and evil of all signs. She isn't bipolar, she was depressed long ago, but it's just her personality - dark, self centered (like she is godess and we are all lower class idiots).

 

She has mood swings and aenemia that makes her love me one day, and next day she doesnt want to see me at all.

Monday - she wants to see me, she is lovey dovey.

Friday - She hates me for being lovey dovey, she studies too much, too tired all week...

Sunday - we see each other for 3 hours to watch movie, 4 out of 5 times without intimacy/sex, she acts cold.

 

She is too much into her studies, and wants to leave this conutry for a year to study abroad and later live there, its her primary goal in life. I respect that and i am aware that this relationship will last until September this year... but... why the F i dont have guts to quit this shythey relationship before!?!?!?!?

 

this relationship was good at first, but now it's pointless, she sees that and doesnt want to change anything. She said that this r.ship is in decline, but she doesnt want to do anything about it because she thinks its all MY FAULT and that I should fix things... When i try to fix i always do something that makes her grumpy (i am late 2 minutes during cold day!!!, i cut my hair and she hates when i have shorter hair, or something silly like that!) and then it starts all over again.

I think she has serious issues and all hate she projects on me, she treats me like voodoo doll lately, covering behind the ''i am normal, you are the one who needs to change attitude'' shield.

 

Conclusion: she has that temper switch which makes me believe everything will be alright, but then she starts to be moody again... its never ending circle.

Our personalities and future plans don't match, but still i cannot break up with her, i seriously thought about it, but im in (un)comfort(able) zone unable to change something, playing by her rules.

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If you haven't broken up with her by the fall, you should seriously use her leaving as an opportunity to end communication. Many first relationships have trouble ending because neither party understands that they are not compatible...they don't have a frame of reference.

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Jacks, you should seriously consider demanding more from her. You teach people how to treat you by tolerating unkindness. If she can't walk over you, she may break up with you on her own and you'll be free.

 

She'll respect you so much more if you let her know you deserve more from her. Strangers likely wouldn't treat you so poorly. Think about that.

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Can you explain what it is exactly that stops you from breaking up? What would it take? She herself said she wants to so I guess that part wouldn't be too hard. Is it just your comfort zone? I think there must be some way you can summon up the will to do it. The age of 20 is too young to be 'trapped' in an unfulfilling relationship. You need to be free at this age to be pursuing things which make you happy, not being bogged down like you are. It's a waste! It's not worth trying to fix. If something is not working out at this young age move on. Life is too short and youth only comes once.

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I think maybe the problem is that we found out everything about each other's flaws, they say there's a time in a relationship when people stop being in love and see just bad things about partner. I think that's the case here, girlfriend can't see good things about me anymore, or doesn't want to. She sometimes tells me that i take her for granted and act like i dont care, but i think its opposite most of the time. She is possibly just acting cold, to punish me for my behaviour, but isn't aware how much it hurts, and how much she is overreacting.

 

What stops me from breaking up:

Situation might get better by lucky chance

2 years of mutual expiriences

Her abroad trip (since that will happen in 6 months and that will be end, i try to prolong this relationship until then)

I think i will feel lonely if i break up since i am so used to her, texting/seeing her

 

And... i think that even though this relationship is sxxitty, she somehow doesn't want to initiate break up, which means that she is satisfied or at least used to this situation (seeing me rarely, no sex, just studying).. And if i am not satisfied, she tells me: then break up, who's stopping you... That's selfish.

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She's already told you she doesn't want to be with you. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant. If someone is constantly making you feel low and unworthy of yourself, you leave. I think once you do break up with her, however, she will panic and do whatever she can to get you back. Until then, she is comfortable knowing that no matter how she treats you, you're not going anywhere.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I finally broke up and i feel great at the moment! I did it via sms, although i said that i dont want to end this 2 year long relationship in that way. Who cares?! I wrote her really sarcastic but happy sms and can't feel more delighted about that!

I even wrote that now im gonna contact my ex and finally LIVE MY LIFE! Really indirectly cruel message, but who cares! I was fool for staying in this toxic relationship, but if you ask her, i'm the one who scrrwed and who dont love and appreciate her... I wasn't saint, but she is very difficult person. Its best for her to stay single.

 

BUT WHO CARES HAHAHAHAHAHHA IM FREE I finally realised that it was dead-end relationship and did something to change it.

 

Now i'm gonna stay single and enjoy life!

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Hey bro, I read your first post and I was thinking about an answer but I see you already took action and broke up. I'm glad for you. I, too, have a toxic relationship and I simply cannot end it. Your case really reminds me of what's going on in my life. Listen to me when I say: Do not ever again tolerate a woman who disrespects you. You hear? Do not. I hope you really enjoy your life from now on.

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Hey, thanks for posting! It was tough day, i am not happy as i was yesterday, but this had to be done. We had little chat today and yeah that sms was really hurtful, but i dont think i'll forgive her, even if i do she wont forget what i wrote her.

I am so used to relationship that i feel weird and alone now when i'm single. Its like something inside me died, i feel anxious whole day, thinking about her, but this is the best solution. She is too proud to come to me, and that message was very mean, so i guess i wont be too pathetic to try turning new sheet and apologize, because that will kill my self respect, thats the last thing i need.

 

Elwood, you should break up too, but beware that it will be tough even if you hate her.

I still love her, but she is too difficult to handle and i am too tired to do that.

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I've been having a hard time dealing with feelings too, Jacks. But, just like you said about your relationship, she's too difficult to handle. I often remember the good times we had together, but then I remember the awful times, her passive aggressiveness, her jealousy, etc... that's not what I want for myself. And I don't want to regret not having changed things in the future. So, the time has come for me to seek a better future. I believe the same has happened to you. So be strong and keep walking.

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A lot of things happened during this week!

Girlfriend and i sms-ed and i realised how stupid it was to end it with text message. I was a jerk for sending her that message in anger and i admitted it. But i told her that i really think that we should do something to fix this situation cus i dont want to waste my youth and young manhood on this stupid arguing.

 

Then she called me to tell me that she was very moody, bad tempered. Basically she called to apologize, just like i did for that message. I never expected that from her to apologize, even after i apologized first. She is aware of her bichy attitude. Our r-ship doesn't deserve to end in that stupid way, but also i think we still have feelings for each other.

During those few days i was just thinking about her, although there are few other girls that occupied my mind lately, but it's gambling since those girls showed just slightly interest in me, or my horny mind thought that they are interested in me, but they are not. Who knows...

 

What bugs me most is that i feel this isn't and cannot be over yet. Somehow i still feel i'm connected with her, i still love her, and although i was single for a few days i don't like feeling single. Also there are plenty of girls out there, but i don't wanna start anyting until i once and for all break up with her. So i am in some kind of a limbo, between relationship and being single/start new relationship. Honestly i prefer to continue this r-ship.

 

We decided that best option is 2 week hiatus. We will continue to text (rarely), no calls, and we will enjoy freedom to see how it goes without one another. In 2 weeks, or 3 we should decide whether to stay together or finally break up. She will choose to stay, i'm sure. Me? I will too, but if arguing and lack of intimacy continues after hiatus, i will be utipist who missed his chance to end it properly face-2-face and seek for better opportunity...

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Poppa thank you for your post, we should stay in contact here in this topic

 

Let me start first with warning signs:

1. Totally yes, every few weeks, sometimes more often

2. Yes, she is sometimes so much into me, and then we argue which results in her hating me

3. She is very calm person from the outside, she never yells, but yes, she becomes withdrawn, doesn't want to talk to me or see me for a certain period of time.. its connected with num.1

4. yes, even if she is guilty she will rarely admit it, lately she blames her anaemia condition.

5. i don't think so, she can control impulses very well, but she cant control her feelings and emotions i guess

6. i cannot tell since i dont know what she feels, it's difficult to understand what she feels

7. yes, she is jealous but i am jealous too sometimes, but she definitely tried to isolate me from friends, to the point that friends say that i forgot them because of my girlfriend. She hates when i spend time with friends, but it depends - if she thinks friends is ''all good'' then its okay.

8. definitely, she even told me that she looks and acts confidently but she is very weak inside, she said she wants to hide it because no one should know about her weakness

9. -

10. I dont know, since i dont live with her. She withdraws from me after a fight, and maybe she sooths herself.

11. i am convinced i met soul mate, but she never ever tried to copy me, she has her unique taste in everyting

12. true... she categorized all my friends and relatives in categories ''good'' and ''bad'', one small thing that someone does makes her instantly hate that person

13. that sounds familiar, and that is maybe reason why we argue every few weeks

14. completely true..

15. although she acts like she is independent and confident, she is afraid of being left alone i guess (example down in post)

16. i don't think so

17. she never really had boyfriend before me

18. completely true, she is loner, she doesn't hate anyone but she seems to be asocial, withdrawn, she doesnt trust people, she is disappointed in them!!!, not caring about friendships and ignoring/avoiding relatives, neighbours. Her best friends are her mom and sister, although she has few casual friends, she doesn't have any close friends

 

Some other important facts:

1. She was on pregnancy pills until recently, but she was like this since i know her, so i guess pills arent main reason for her personality issues. Maybe they made things worse along with low iron in her blood.

2. You wrote about push-pull effect. I think that is what is happening here, how else to explain those silly argues that happen every few weeks, sometimes every week

3. Her mom said to me that sometimes when she is angry she somehow projects her anger on me, so (she said it in half-joke) when i have urge to call her i should wait for a 5 minutes and then call her, i should wait for her to 'calm down'. - that seems to be lack of empathy, she sometimes hurts me without notice

4. Sometimes when we argue she claims i am liar (because i lied not once in the past), also drawing examples from the past, just like your exW. Its bizarre how she remembers something from first year of relationship - and that isn't connected with current argue at all! (But then again it looks like common arguing ''technique'' that a lot of girls use)

 

Today she sent me sweet message: i'm optimistic about making up, after that making out, and after that making love. She seems to feel fear of abandonment and loneliness, and this looks like push-pull effect - as you said: ''she may wait a few hours (or days or weeks) and will start reeling you back in by acting extra sweet and loving''

It looks like she realised how much she scrrwed up and hurt me during last month(s) and now when i wrote her ''fijck off i want to be free'' message she feels lonely and tries to fix things again.

 

She had some depression issues when she was 17, writing suicidal songs, lost a lot of weight during summer, etc, but i never thought she has BPD since i didnt't know much about it.

It's like roller coaster with her, although i'm sure it isnt bipolar. I was sure it was something more than depression. I cannot diagnose her but maybe you have right about this BPD thing. She certainly has some personality issues, i did know that, but this whole BPD story sounds a bit shocking to me.

 

I would appreciate if you answer what you think about all this, because it means a lot to me, and your post made me think a LOT.

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