Feeling down about my body...

[tiredofvampires]

^That is a good idea, too. I've heard of huge amounts of loose skin after surgery counting more as "reconstruction" than elective cosmetic surgery, but I guess it depends on your insurance.

 

Until then, I think there's something that needs to be attended to about this that could easily be swept under the rug. You didn't feel good about yourself in some deep ways before the surgery. As you say, your body was in part being used as a way of protecting yourself, and even though you didn't like the way it was, you could in a sense feel okay hating it. Because you had something identifiable to blame: fat, and the medical conditions causing it. In a way, it felt out of your control and so being able to disengage from your own body felt like a normal part of life.

 

Now, there is just a different "target" for the hating and disconnection with your body: the loose skin. But the feelings which generated not feeling good, or okay "in your skin" started before "not feeling okay in your own skin" became literal.

 

So maybe this is asking that you address the deeper self-rejection. It's a rejection that will find any target in your body -- the fat, the skin, the anything.

 

I know it sounds really hard to look at something that you see as unattractive on yourself and try to stop throwing darts at it mentally -- but I think you ought to start looking at it differently. Maybe this is a call to start making friends with your body in a more unconditional way, instead of having a barrier to rely on between accepting and rejecting yourself. The latter being so easy to do when you have other issues going on.

 

Maybe you should look at your skin and thank it for holding all of you in, all this time. For covering you when you were big, and stretching to accommodate you. Thank it for being part of your body, as its biggest organ, now no longer needing full employment. Thank it for doing service for you and preparing to retire, as it reminds you each day that you are changing in a good way towards health. It is the sign of your former self being shed, so each day it's there as a gauge of how much change is occurring -- change being the nature of life. So it's your "battlescar" in a way, and also, a guide of where you were and how you're moving along.

 

Trying to love what we can't change which is still a part of us is something I've found to be a very important. And it's really regardless of the thing itself. Being able to do that would be an important part of healing the kinds of psychic issues that were behind all the weight and now still remain as vestiges.

 

Instead of thinking "ew ew ew" when you're putting on lotion, try to consciously change that track in your mind, to "thank you for being there when you were needed, for all the protection you gave me when I felt I needed it, and for reminding me of the things I am shedding and changing in my life."

[Fudgie]

TOV,

 

My boyfriend and I used to fight about my family all the time. You know the backstory. Now we rarely fight about my family but we argue about things regarding food, my gym time, etc. He gets angry when I go to the gym with my mom or sometimes he'll text me when I'm at the gym like "Hey I want you to pick me up/pick up x, y, z" and then gets angry when I don't see the text and do what he asks. It's utter nonsense. I'm not going to have my phone on me at all times and listen to his texts so I can cut my gym time short. I just lock my phone in a locker and work out for as long as I want to. I don't care.

 

I haven't done anything yet about the status of our relationship because I am concentrating on me right now and establishing good habits and getting healthy. The situation is definitely tense at times and not good but I am managing for the time being, at least until I get somewhere more "stable" with myself and my abilities. Does that make sense?

 

There are some water aerobic classes I want to do, but sadly, they are only available when I am working.

 

I am definitely very lonely and isolated. I call and text my mom and dad when I get lonely. I sometimes think about getting into contact with my friends but they haven't really gotten into contact with me (except in the beginning just to make sure that I survived the surgery). Nick has friends but I'm not really interested in hanging out with them either. His best friend lives ith his parents and has turned into a real mooch.

 

I feel very "stuck". Not sure what to do or how to change it, even wondering if I should at this point. I keep thinking "Well I have my family so I will be okay". I am not ashamed of having the surgery but I feel paralyzed when I think about meeting new people and having to explain to them my habits. I don't even think I could date again. I don't mean in a "I'll never find love like I did with my boyfriend", I just mean, I'm very out of touch and feel myself drifting away from other people, everyone really. I don't even come to ENA as much as I used to. I started spending less time here since my surgery, even though I didn't mean to. I guess it was sub conscious. I spend my days working, at the gym, reading/writing (in certain academic interests), watching TV, and listening to music, sitting with my thoughts.

 

I just feel like everything is in flux. I used to have a very clear vision of my future and it included a career that I enjoy, a husband, friends, etc. Now I only see a career, but I no longer think I want a husband, now my friends are slowly going, and I'm just not sure how I am going to have a support system. How will I have that social connection? I have my siblings I guess, once my parents are gone.

 

 

 

My insurance will cover skin removal if I have documented skin conditions/infections. I have been waiting for an infection, not encouraging one no no, just waiting to see if one happens. Any infection, no matter how small, and I am running to my doctor for documentation. I used to get skin infections a LOT prior to surgery. Now, I don't know, I haven't had any since! I don't know if it's because I'm healthier or what.

 

I think you are right, TOV, my skin is a reminder of what has happened and how much I have changed already. It has been through a lot. I have a TON of old stretchmarks, ones from 12 years ago to ones that are only about a year or so old, and everything in between. I also have surgical scars and now I have lost a lot of feeling in my stomach due to the surgery so my skin can't "feel" like it used to.

 

It's definitely a sag bag but it definitely has held me together for my whole life and it will continue to be there until I'm gone.

 

I have a lot to figure out.

[Firiel]

With N isolating you as much as he is, getting out and meeting people will be even more taxing than it normally would be (and it may normally be pretty taxing considering you are naturally introverted AND struggling emotionally right now). A part of concentrating on you, establishing good habits, and getting healthy might be ending the relationship BEFORE some of your weight loss/financial goals have been completed. That doesn't mean you need to leave this instant, but don't put off leaving just because a particular goal has not been reached. He could very easily be contributing to your NOT reaching that goal.

[Fudgie]

I don't have any real "goals" I want to meet before I leave. I guess I am waiting for that right time in the near future. We live together and share a lease, so we are "tangled" that way. I'm under strict lift restrictions and really shouldn't be lifting anything heavy ever due to my past back injury. I feel fine now but I am scared if I take a chance and hurt my back, I could be bed ridden again and then I won't be losing weight for a while, guaranteed.

 

I have no idea yet when I will leave. But in the meantime, I make sure he isn't inhibiting my weight loss goals. There is some unhealthy food he likes to eat but since I no longer feel hungry, I am not "tempted" so that isn't a problem. It makes me mad when he tries to argue with me about going to the gym but honestly, I just ignore and go about my own thing. Turn off my phone and go into the pool. He doesn't have a gym membership and they don't let you 'pay by the day' so even if he wanted to come in and bother me, he couldn't.

 

Things are just really in flux right now.

 

But you are right, from a social aspect. I wouldn't blame all on N though. Part of it is me and it's my fault. I just don't get out enough. I didn't get out enough pre surgery and now I am even more of a shut-in.

[Zuri]

I am so sorry you're going through this. You really put my body image issue in perspective.

Anyway you can start saving for the skin removal once you've reached your goals just in case ins won't pay? Finance it? That way you can look at what you're going through as temporary?

My thoughts are with you.

And congrats on the weight loss. Keep going, girl.

[kat9]

i know exactly how you fee ! i am currently in the process of losing weight as well at the beginning of my journey i weighed 260 and right now i weigh about 209 , and i receive compliments all the time at the weight that I've lost and i look great with clothes on as well bc i usually wear tighter things but i hate my body actually everything is so loose now and look terrible it sucks i don't feel comfortable at all ! i'm proud of my weightless success but i just don't feel like myself and not confident at all because i know what i look like under my clothes and it sucks

[Fudgie]

I am not sure at the moment if I am willing to fork over several thousands in the future. It's hard to say. The surgery (and I may need more than 1, who knows) will cost more than a good car would cost. Then again, my surgery cost that much but insurance covered it.

 

Maybe I will come to some form of acceptance and maybe I won't get the skin removed at all. That's also a possibility.

 

It is so good being at a lower weight and still losing. I would rather be thinner and be a sag bag than be fat. I struggled for a long time with back pain and reflux and lots of issues. I feel a lot better now.

 

I still struggle with compliments. Everyone is treating me differently and I can see how they look at me differently too. I am not used to it.

[Zuri]

If you can eventually finance it, I think it would worth the investment. You're investing in yourself. And you are worth it. I've read many of your posts and I admire your maturity and advices. At your age you have soooooo many young years still ahead of you!

Hopefully, you can insurance to cover it when the time comes.

[petite]

I think it would be good to think of it as something that will need to be done. You will see how it all is once you're done losing weight, but it could very well get in the way of you just being comfortable.. My understanding is that infections, rashes are more common because of the excess skim flapping over. I don't think you should stress over it, but I do think it is something you will have to deal with later on.

 

In your case it would be a worth while investment even if insurance doesn't cover it. It will make your life easier and maybe you can prioritize and give up on certain things in order to save for surgery later. Perhaps your family can help?

 

Did your doctor recommend therapy after surgery? Because it is such a huge change that impacts your life in more ways than one. It would be good for you to speak with a professional about how you're feeling and have an outlet - one person that you can rely on to be unbiased, and with whom you can work on tackling these changes in your life but also discussing future options and preparing for that psychologically.

 

 

 

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[Fudgie]

I've talked to my family about it. My mom thinks I could get it covered by insurance because I'm almost a third to my goal so I have a lot to lose and loose skin is already becoming an issue so it will be a lot worse in the future.

 

The thing is, insurance will only cover if I get infections. I'm sorry if this sounds gross but I was so prone to infections prior to weight loss. I would use baby powder on my skin. Now I go to the gym a lot and i sweat more and for some reason, no infections! At least, not yet.

 

I am planning to go back to school though and I may fund that at least partially. So I will need a loan. I have been building my credit for 2 years and now have great credit. Maybe if I needed to I could get a loan if insurance wouldn't cover it but that would be years away, after school, and all of that.

 

I attend a regular support group. I currently am not seeing someone who specializes in weight loss patients. I do see my old therapist once in a while but she doesn't specialize in this.

 

I vent to my parents currently and read a lot online. I have no desire to self sabotage, which I read is actually quite common, but I think that's because my motivation is fueled almost entirely by health. I personally have seen many patients die as the result of morbid obesity, both in hospital and at a private facility I worked at for years as a volunteer overnights. All in pain and most were pretty young, 55 tops. Several lost hands and feet due to diabetes. That's really my sole motivation. I think about those people and what I've seen and it enables me to push harder because I don't want to die like that.

 

I definitely struggle with compliments and how people are treating me differently. Everyone has something to say about my weight and it's like "Hey there is more to me than losing weight". Loose skin is quite bothersome. My lower belly is loose and dimpled. I give it 20 more lb and I'm going to have to start tucking it in my pants. It's getting to that point.

 

I'm try to laugh and make light of it but it's so hard!

[ParisPaulette]

Fudgie, I would like to point one thing out--you're going through a major life change. And no matter what the circumstances or how many positives change is scary and it's often hard to adjust in the beginning. Keep going, you will adjust and you will learn what works and what doesn't. You'll become comfortable in this new skin so to speak once you've had a chance to process everything and have worked out various issues. And take a look at the fact that it might be time to make other changes in your life--i.e. what is a social activity that you can do with friends that doesn't entail going to restaurants and bars?

 

What you're going through reminds me a bit of an article I read in Marie Claire about a woman who lost weight, but found she had to deal with the emotional consequences of doing so. And it wasn't always easy. link removed Your experience reminds me a bit of that, so maybe reading this might resonate and help? I don't know, but did just want to give you some words of encouragement and remind you that while we all get sold on the benefits of losing weight there's little ever said about dealing with the changes that come with it.

 

And your skin will likely shrink as your weight stabilizes. I remember literally having to tuck my deflated stomach into my jeans after having an 11-pound baby...and I'm a very small-framed woman who did not have a lot of room to carry a baby that big to begin with. Six months later it was all okay and people were carrying on as if I'd done something remarkable by "looking like you never had a baby." (Said in a mocking tone) I remember being irked by that to no end. (Laughs)

 

It does and it will get better, you just have to keep going and remember change is good once you get past the scary bits and the newness of it all. Take care and keep posting here, you know we'll keep encouraging you. P.S. I've always thought the best part of you though was your mind, you're very smart and it shows in your posts. So remember that lovely gray matter you carry around with you is still there and you're still you no matter what is happening with your body.

[Fudgie]

I spent the first 2 months (and still some time now) trying to get my mind used to eating so little. My stomach is full after about 3-3.5 oz of food, even less right after surgery, but it took a while for my mind to catch up. I'd eat and stop immediately when felt "full" (and feeling "full" now is a weird sensation too, it's a restriction, not something I understood until after surgery, because now I literally CANNOT eat more than 3 oz unless I want to throw up) but I struggled mentally with that. Now I am finally seeing what a "normal" meal for me is now, and I know that it's not "normal" for others, but it is for me and always will be. I am not afraid to go to work cafeteria and say "I want a quarter scoop of that and a quarter piece of this" and they give me weird looks and sometimes tell me that I am not getting my money's worth, but I just smile and say if they give me more, it will go to waste because I can't eat all of it.

 

So I am over that now. My struggle is now coming into my this new body. It's very strange for me. It's been so long since I've been a normal weight.

 

I guess I need to give myself to time "grieve". I am not really sad about not being able to eat like I used to...actually, I am happy now because I spend less money on groceries. But I am sad about the "old" Fudgie. There are parts I find myself missing from time to time. I really did use my weight as a way to keep others at bay. It was like a personal "test" for others. I used to almost pride myself on that. If people could get past my "fat" exterior, then I would consider them "worthy" to get to know my interior. I'm not just talking about dating, I am talking about friends too.

 

Now with the fat continuing to fall off, it's scary because that "test" is no longer there, there is no longer this "buffer" zone. I am scared of the new attention and compliments because I am scared that I can no longer distinguish between people who want to get to know me for real and people may who just be interested in the outer package. THAT'S REALLY SCARY TO THINK ABOUT.

 

It's not that I don't think I'll be a good judge of character. I know I am a good judge of character. I guess it's something else in my psyche, a fear of being vulnerable I guess. I am rather vulnerable here but it's online. Real life, it's harder.

 

I will work it out.

 

Thanks for your kind words, Paris. I think my head is the best thing I've got going for me. I think that will always be true. I have worked very, very hard at making sure that I get all of my supplements (btw, my doctor was no help. I had to figure things out myself and do my own research) so that my brain and body will be strong and healthy for now and in the future. I still work on keeping myself proficient in the languages I know (working making an instructional grammar book, just for fun) and playing puzzle games when I am not in school. I know I need to keep myself sharp in addition to making my body healthy.

[quirky]

Just wanted to say that I really relate to that, I have had similar thoughts. Back then when I was big noone wanted to date me really so I built character and understood what matters in life and was able to separate the good from the bad. I didn't feel like a man could hurt me or abuse me because I wasn't physically as desirable. I also felt it made me different in some way because I wasn't preoccupied in nails and makeup and beauty because no makeup in the world could cover up that I was big..lol.. So I perceived it as shallow and superficial and the focus was on important things not looks. Nowadays I make an effort and look good, guys usually like the way I dress. But deep down I still doon't believe looks matter much. In many ways I wonder if I'd be the person I am today had I not been overweight (I received a lot of rejection for it I don't know if it's the same with you). But I guess what I am mainly trying to say is that even though you are going through a change and your sense of identity and how you viewd and associated with yourself is changing..deep down, the core of you will not change that much. And you will be able to see the good from bad, you have to trust yourself that while this is happening you will slowly adjust to the change. So don't stress too much about the future at the moment, focus on the current change and how to slowly adapt to it.

 

Also it sounds like it is your main focus at the moment..how come you haven't met up with your friends, do you think you've become a tad obsessive about it or scared of bringing those changes into the big world?

[Fudgie]

Cool, it sounds like you know where I am coming from. Esp with the "I'm not hot so men are less likely to abuse me/rape me." BS I know, anyone can be abused, but that's how I felt and I know feelings aren't usually logical. I've never had a mani or a pedi in my life either. I think it's cool now that you do put some effort in but deep down don't really think that looks matter. I haven no doubt that your experience has given you this perspective. Maybe someday I will do that. I rarely put an effort in. I mean, I shower and I brush my hair, but that's about it.

 

I don't really have a straight answer for why I haven't met up with my friends yet. Although I have talked to them via phone/text/etc. Normally in the past, we would meet at a restaurant. I don't really go out much to eat but when I do, I don't feel weird if it's my family or my boyfriend because they "know what's going on". I'm very selective about what I eat and I guess I feel self-conscious when I eat in a group. While I don't get sick often, sometimes certain foods when I eat out makes me feel really nauseous or gassy, and it's not always consistent. Anything with a certain amount of fat/sugar makes me feel AWFUL in a way that I can't even describe, but even some forms of baked chicken or fish do it too, it really, really depends on how it is cooked and I can't always know when I am out, It's very strange but it's par for the course when you've had surgery like this.

 

And then of course, I am not able to stomach most raw veggies yet, including salad. But it's not like a salad would be a "good" meal for me. I guess you could say I'm very committed to making sure I get enough protein in so EVERY meal for me needs to be full of it and that takes just a little planning on my part.

 

But even if I don't get sick (and this is awkward even with my family/boyfriend), I am done eating LONG before everyone else is because I eat so little. I know people would say "well make conversation" but I didn't understand how quiet most people are when they eat until you are not eating and sitting near them. So I spend a lot of time waiting, feeling full and sometimes nauseous because I still have to smell food (this was a problem for me pre-surgery, if I smelled food for too long when I was full, I'd feel sick), it's just very awkward still. I sometimes pull out my phone to play a game and pass the time but my boyfriend gets angry with me when I do that, which makes me irritated because he's quiet when he eats and expects me to sit there in silence while he finishes. Ugh, no thanks. I play with my phone.

But I don't know what I would do with my friends....

 

So yeah, that's a lot of anxiety for me, I guess. Worry about feeling nauseous, not getting my protein, not drinking enough water, having to explain to them what's going on, etc.

 

Now, I used to go out with mutual friends of my boyfriend and him, but I haven't been out. They want me to be DD because they know I can't drink. I just don't want to and stay home. I never was a heavy drinker and would usually only drink 1 drink while out, 2 TOPS. I do miss the taste of alcohol and it's not something I want to be around right now.

[petite]

The positive thing is that you are young and have plenty of time to lose rest of the weight, if necessary have surgery to remove the excess skin and to get me tally strong and confident being the new you. You will have plenty of time (unlike older people) to get your life on track, and deal with the new exterior, as well as the emotions associated with it!

 

I'm kinda angry for you though that your doctor wasn't any help. Is this the surgeon that you're talking about? I'm just baffled because usually there'd be information overload pre and post surgery. Did you confront him or anything else?

 

 

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[Fudgie]

I'm definitely happy I'm getting back on track at an early age. I'm so glad I didn't wait til my 30s even. I know 30s is still very young but I cringe to think about what my weight would have been had I waited.

 

My doctor = PCP, the surgeon is different. He just does the surgeries and his staff handle the rest, including educating me. I don't blame them though. My PCP doesn't know much about these surgeries because it's not his speciality. In fact, it seems like no one does. You think there would be an info overload but really, there's not. It's all GUESSES that other people give you. Some people say "Oh eat this, eat that, do this" and others say "No, you need to be eating/doing x, y, z". You'd think there would be more of a "standard" in aftercare following these surgeries but the truth is, there is not.

 

Even surgeons differ in their information. Some make you crush up your pills forever. Some don't (mine didn't, ha). Some tell you to eat certain things, others say to stay away. It is hard to know which direction to go.

My parents weren't too much help either but I don't blame them.

 

The surgeon's staff had the idea "Well, we'll do your 6 month blood work and then we'll see if you need to be on any supplements so don't worry". Heck no, that is too long to wait to see if I am not getting enough of something I need. That's half a year. So I started to do my own research on what I would need to take and what would be the most absorbable. I found that my long-acting medications no longer worked properly so I asked my doctor to switch me to immediate release after I explained my reasoning and what was going on and he did.

I found that "Daily Value" amounts of vitamins and minerals and even nutrients were utter crap to me now. So I had to look at my own diet and figure out how much I would need to take for myself. And it has worked. I feel very healthy and I know I am getting enough of everything, including iron, calcium, all my B vitamins, etc. Nowadays, I don't pay attention to "Daily Values".

 

I was told by my surgeon's staff to only eat 30-40g of protein a day once I got to regular food. What utter bollocks. Even my mom was like "Maybe you should trust what his staff say" and I said "No, I know that's not right." That is not enough for a "normal" person. My muscle would be eaten away. So I eat 55-60g a day. And I notice a big improvement in my health and weight loss since I upped my protein on my own.

 

This surgery has taught me one thing and it's that you really can't be passive when it comes to getting healthy. You need to listen to your body and do what's right for you. Weight loss surgery is still quite "new' and there is no standard and nothing anyone says is evidence-based. It's all anecdotal. That drives me crazy. And the doctors and staff who support people who go through this haven't been through the procedure so they don't really know what it's like. So much of it is mental and depends on you reading your own body. None of that can be prepared for or explained.

 

I have no idea what the future holds. I went into this knowing that there will probably some undesirable effects in the future. I am not worried about deficiencies as I plan to take supplements for the rest of my life and I will get blood work done 1-2x a year for the rest of my life too. I think I may struggle with appetite when I am older. I already struggle with appetite now and have to "remind' myself to eat. And I may need nutritional help at that point because I won't be able to eat or drink as much as other people. But you know what, if I stayed fat, I wouldn't even GET to that point in age. I'd just be dead early.

 

I will figure things out as I go.

[Liraele]

It's OK to feel how you're feeling. I'd hazard a guess it's even normal.

 

Get healthy, get as fit as you can/want to be, and then if you can't be comfortable in your own skin as it is... get the surgeries you think you need to feel good about it again. There's no shame in that, especially since it sounds like your goals are in line with a healthy mindset.

[icecreamaddict]

I didn't read all the posts, but are you working out? Have you done any weight lifting? If you build up your underlying muscle tone it can help. Also, since you're relatively young your skin has more elsaticity than someone older so it may bounce back a bit over time. You're improving your life and your health and that's the most important thing!

[Fudgie]

My doctor said I can't lift weights yet (due to a surgery, lift restrictions) or run (I am still too heavy). I swim regularly at the gym and I also use the track to walk briskly too.

[icecreamaddict]

My doctor said I can't lift weights yet (due to a surgery, lift restrictions) or run (I am still too heavy). I swim regularly at the gym and I also use the track to walk briskly too.

 

Ah, then listen to your doctor! (Like I said, I didn't read the entire thread.)

[Fudgie]

no worries. Swimming is great exercise. I feel like a million dollars by the time I come out of the pool. Like a new woman! Aphrodite rising out of the ocean!

Okay I'm exaggerating a little but it feels awesome!