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Should I save this relationship or Move on? I am stuck! Please advice


charu

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Long story short.. I am dating this sweet/caring guy for almost 5 months now...

 

I just had by 30th bday and there is lot of pressure on social front and family front to get settled and I myself am kinda tired of even thinking about starting over this dating game. (especially in Indian culture). I am kinda aggressive, fun loving, extrovert type. And I work in a management consulting firm where I get to travel and have interesting colleagues and happening worklife (not that they are avail for dating). My past relationships I have mostly chosen a wrong guy (either they are under achieving or cheating or almost abusive etc..)

 

So this new guy I met is very caring, loving and kinda laid back type. He is well settled in his career and earns quite well and generous in nature. I dont see him chiling with his friends or I haven’t met anyone (except his roomate, who he claims to be his friend). I don’t think he has any friends? Though he claims he has??

 

I introduced him to my friends/some of my family.. all through dinner all of us completely forgot he even was at our table... he doesnt seem to have any PRESENCE in a group... He is there somewhere.... I would understand if this happened once or twice? but this happened more than that..

 

- Not many friends

- No presence/executive presence (but not a pushover)

- Not interesting maybe ?

- Not opinionated (on news or topics?)

 

During these/some of these situations, I get mad and make some insulting remarks (like "speak up please" or "dont you even know about the latest news?", "why do you not do MBA?", "who are your friends", "why do you always sit at home?" etc..)

 

I would really like to be inspired by him (he should know more stuff than me etc.. more experiences… more friends? Etc)

 

-He accepts me with my faults…

-He seems to be caring… and not flirting/cheating type

 

Overall…..I dont know if I can AGAIN find a guy like him who can be so caring and loving and successful in career? For these reasons, I am trying to save this relationship, though he is trying to break up whenever I lose my temper ... (happened 2 times already)..

 

I donno how to handle this relationship? Apologies, I am not that articulate and hopefully made some sense in this mail ?

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Sounds like he's boring and you're bored by him. I've been there too - it sucks to date someone who isn't interesting or inspiring. You feel like you're missing out on a big part of what makes relationships successful.

 

All I can say is that he's unlikely to change. So think about how you feel about that before you make any further commitments.

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NorthDallas40 - Thank you for your response! I do listen what you are saying.... but hear me out...

I do trust this person and we do rely on each other and he is a good man! He lets me be myself , I dont have to pretend.....

 

If I dont work on this, I doubt I can find anyone else??

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But you have to ask yourself why you think it's okay to be with someone that you're already verbally abusing and yes, making those mean remarks to him just to get a "rise" out of him is still being abusive to him. I think you need to keep looking, but it sounds like a) you've decided to just to settle on him because no one else will put up with you and b) he's bringing out the meanness in you and you're hurting him. Stop it with the verbal abuse and if you can't keep a civil tongue around him then let him go to find someone who won't be mean to him.

 

There is zero reason to make him your verbal punching bag, I don't care how boring or how quiet he is by your standards. It doesn't make your treatment of him and your contempt over his life acceptable. He's either good enough for you to accept all of him or he's not and you let him go. There isn't any third option in this and you know it. My advice find someone else and work on how you treat the people you claim to love or want to share your life with.

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Seems to me you have a pattern of picking men you hold your nose above. Under achievers, cheaters, and now this guy...who seems like a fine person, but not in your eyes. So you abuse him.

 

I think you need to figure out exactly what is at the root of your behaviors and choices if you hope to find and sustain a healthy relationship.

 

Part of that may be accepting that you aren't going to necessarily tick the time boxes your 'culture' has set out for you.

 

I honestly can't believe people sat at a table with you and said nothing while you berated that guy. That was really disgusting behavior. I think it's pretty unhealthy that you justify this with the fact that he has a good job and meets most of your cultures standards for what constitutes a good husband, so that's why you are with him, and that is why it's ok for you to stay with him and treat him like crap? No.

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If I dont work on this, I doubt I can find anyone else??

 

This is the world's worst reason to stay with someone.

 

The guy bores you, so you're witch-testing him, and that's not going well, either.

 

I'd be kind about it, but I'd break up--cleanly, and for good. I'd learn how to give myself the love and companionship I believe can only come from someone else, so by the time I'm ready to start dating again, I'll be on solid footing and Ill make good choices.

 

Sticking with someone I find boring is the opposite of a good choice.

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