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Here I am again


malin819

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I’m here again but with a lesson for myself and people here

I’ll say that my previous threads will show you that I had a bad toxic relationship but I was really thinking that after I was done it would not follow me around till the last few weeks.

 

After I ended it with my ex I met a beautiful young caring girl. I can truly say that everything was perfect and it was a relationship we could have made a movie about. In the beginning, I cheated on her but we weren’t official and she was mature enough to sit with me and try to reason my actions. Plain and simple I had no self-esteem and was thinking I didn’t deserve her. I gained her trust back but now was afraid that she would want revenge on me. This plus my low self-esteem triggered jealousy and I started being manipulative. I was afraid when she would go out in bars with her friends and have a good time. I always wanted to know where and what she was doing. I became a control freak and I assume all responsibilities. Of course we drifted apart and I didn't listen to her or my family to seek help.

 

About a month ago, it was my friend birthday and we all went out and drank a little bit too much. At the bar there was an old fling of her that previously said comments on me and my girlfriend. She already knew I didn’t like that person but she went and talked to him. I don’t recall the evening but my friends did say I went over there and pushed her away from the guy. This was physical violence IMO but I would have never done anything like this sober. I stopped drinking completely from that moment. Keep in mind we did have a good relationship and had fun but every time I would be jealous it took a little piece away from her.

 

Now Monday night she made me read an article about manipulative boyfriend and psychological violence. I totally flipped out but after I calmed down I knew the reason…I was that guy and didn’t like I tone bit. I have become something that disgusts me. I can’t even look in the mirror anymore. She met with my mom yesterday and then they came to me. We decided it would be in our best interest to take some time. She still loves me and cares for me and said she will be there the whole path and wait for me when I’m better. I truly believe her but I right now I need to focus on myself. Her main reason for this action is to get me out of my comfort zone to actually do something about my problems.

 

You can judge me all you want but keep in mind I assume everything that happened. I’m seeing a psychologist tomorrow. Tonight I will be seeing someone from a center that helps men in my condition. I’m sick and finally realize that I need outside help

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I can tell you that my days are hard without having contact with her. I feel like I'm stick between 2 words since she is giving me hope that if I get better she will come back to me but also says she will be there the whole path with me since she cares about me.

 

 

 

I'm movint out next week back to my brother's place but I'd can't be a doormat like that. I think for the meantime she wants to be friends but she is part of my problem (jealousy, emotionaly dependant, co dependant)

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We spent most of the weekend together...acted like we were a couple even got intimate a few times. She dropped the bomb she doesn't know if she loves anymore and knows that she needs time appart but she also said that she didn't know why she could not do it. Lots of people are giving her their personal opinions. I took a stance back and told her my expectations and were I stood.

 

Am I being kept on the backburner? I don't understand her state of mind at all

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Thanks for the quick response...I'm living with her for the moment and moving out this weekend. I'm lost in my head since even her Mom told her she should dump me and laugh that I was actually going to therapy and how long that would last.

 

I know she cares about me a lot but I can assume the bads I have done and work on them but I can't bet let in a grey zone regarding us. She says we are not together but acts like my girlfriend and calls me babe, hun all that stuff

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Yes you are being back burnered.

You should not be in contact with her at all --- you have stated your goals --- and until you are healthy you should avoid a relationship, especially with her.

 

As per usual, she hit the nail on the head.

 

Get well for you, not for her. That means that healing yourself for yourself needs to be your goal. The results will stick with you that way.

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Ya but its hard for me she put me in a mind set that everyguy that was with her and didn't worked out regretted it after. She wants to be there for me but she cant control her emotions. Like saying we should not kiss or sleep together because its a bad idea and 2 minuties after say I LOVE BAD IDEAS and jump on me

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No she accused me of having a low self esteem and today I can tell yes I barely have none left since I had past experience that destroyed me. I just pushed those under the carpet

 

I'm not a perfect man but I want to better myself with my family and feeling good in my skin.

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ok Im freaking out right now she just sent me an email saying:

 

After dinner tonight (since I'm still living there till the weekend) she is going for a coffee with her ex

 

I didn't flipped didn't say antyhing but I can't explain how my mind is torned apart right now with all those mixed signals

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ok I responded its okay but I didn't need to know that sort of information and she asked why. I clearly told her she could do whatever she want and see her friends. Then she said you dont want to know where am I or if im going to see someone to which I said it doesnt concern me

 

then she said well im tired probly not gonna go

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Well she is manipulating me after she told me taht she was tired and didn't want to go I clearly stated that I was going to the gym and seeing my friend after. She made a little puppy face and said wow you'll just leave me alone then and started txting her ex for a coffee today

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