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guys, opinions.. girls, wwyd?


quark

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So I went to a "girls night" recently, except it didn't end up being a girls night at all. I kind of had to go, seeing as I was the one who set it up. However, as I sat at the bar alone, reading my phone to see that two other girls had cancelled..I knew it was going to be a bust.

 

I would have just left, except one girl had already told me she was on her way. This person is more so a friend of a friend, although we've gotten together in a group setting a few times. In any case, I know her but not that well.

 

We sat a while and caught up. There were two guys seated next to us (on her side) that she would occasionally turn to and say something. I think maybe because we'd run out of things to talk about. We don't even know eachother that well.

 

As the night progressed, she started talking to them more and our chairs turned so that we became more of a group of four. The conversation was kept pretty light (on my end anyway) about careers, friends with kids, etc.. Around 11 the DJ come on, and apparently my friend is a big dancer. She pleaded for the rest of us to come out on the dance floor with her. She sort of grabbed the one guy, leaving me standing awkwardly with the other. "Sorry, I don't really dance", I said to him. We went out to the dance floor a couple more times. It was kinda fun, but I definitely felt excluded and like his friend was just stuck with me as a wingman situation to help the guy get lucky with my friend.

 

I noticed her becoming increasingly flirty the more she drank (I had been taking things slowly, at 1 drink per hour). I had to tell his friend that my friend was older than they had thought, married and has 3 kids. He was shocked. It didn't stop him (the wingman w\ me) from getting her number at the end of the night. Just shaking my head, wow I guess I really don't know her very well.

 

We paid our tab and all 4 of us left the bar at the same time. The guys headed their own way, and I walked my friend to her car because she seemed a little tipsy (but didn't want a ride) and she's a tiny girl. Made sure she got in her car, and then I went my way.

 

 

Now..guys, let me ask you..if this was your girlfriend would you be upset? My boyfriend is upset because I was dancing "with some guy". But, if he could have seen the awkward grade school dancing we were doing, he might change his tone. Regardless... I was not drunk, I was not flirty and I think I carried myself very well. I told this guy I had a boyfriend and at no moment make it seem like I was interested. (Again, I felt more like the "ugly friend" that the wingman has to talk to for his friend). My boyfriend is also upset that I said I was going to a girls night and it turned out to be more like a double blind date. That was completely out of my control. I would have liked to just leave, but I didn't want to leave my friend alone with two guys at a bar. I had to stay the course to make sure she left okay.

 

Girls, what would you have done in this situation? I went out on the dancefloor because I wanted to have a good time, and I wanted her to have a good time. (Making the best of a bad situation if you will) I don't want to be the wet blanket frowning and sitting at the bar alone, its just not who I am.

 

I feel like I handled the situation best I could. I walked out of there feeling good about how I carried myself and then I got shat on when I came home to my boyfriend.

 

Give me your opinions on this situation. Those of you in relationships...do you have girls nights/guys nights? What are the boundaries? Guys do you care if your girl dances, knowing that there may be guys on the dancefloor too?

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I be just as upset with you for allowing her to drive her car home when she was "tipsy."

 

It wasn't the OPs responsibility to babysit this woman. I don't think she did anything wrong...

 

OP...I probably would have done just as you did. In the future I would probably avoid hangng out with her..

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Actually --- since you set it up and 2 of the ladies bagged....I would have texted Mrs. Flirt and told her the night was off.

 

Lol..there were supposed to be 6 of us, actually, and when all was said and done it was just her and I. I would have called it off, if she didn't message me that she was on her way.

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You did the right thing - besides allowing her to get into her car, I would of put her in a cab personally - but other than that I think you did all the right things. You didn't lead the other guy on, you kept your distance and kept yourself mildly sober to control your surroundings. However, I do agree with mhowe's second post. I probably at the point of knowing the first 2 cancelled, I would of just texted the "unknown friend" and told her that it was off and that you would do it another time.

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We got into a huge fight about this, because we have varying opinions on what is appropriate. He believes that I should have completely ignored the two guys, and thus completely ignoring my friend. And, also, not have gotten up to dance and instead sat in my seat staring blankly while everyone else was up. Basically, he doesn't want me talking to any guys, in any capacity.

 

I, on the other hand, see nothing wrong with how I handled myself and believe that I kept a balanced approach to the evening. I danced a little, nothing crazy. I spoke to the two guys in a completely platonic manner, and kept my distance. I even tattled on my friend about being married w\ kids because it didn't seem like she was gonna talk about it.

 

I would let it go, but the only reason I posted here is because after all this, he has the audacity to post about this situation on facebook to ask for opinions. Granted, he didn't use names..he actually slanted the story to make people think it may have been him who was out on a guys night...but to me it was pretty obvious he was talking about me. His two sisters and female friend of course agreed that it was wrong for a significant other to go out and spend time with people of the opposite sex and that if you want to dance, you should dance with your spouse. Obviously, he left out some details on that one.

 

I kept telling him that this is what normal couples do.. Normal couples out there spend time away from eachother Sometimes girls go out dancing and sometimes there are guys on the dance floor. Now, I have no desire to "go out dancing" but I want to know that if I ever did that I would be able to. And we get into fights over these hypothetical situations it is SO stupid.

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Fighting about hypothetical situations is a recipe for disaster.

 

Fighting over this particular night --- not a normal girls night out --- where the girls all sit and drink wine and whine about their SO's.

This particular night --- you made it through an awkward set up and kept boundaries in place.

 

He is being a putz.

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It all comes down to trust

 

When you hear go out dancing, you hope your GF is doing this

 

 

 

Although you may dump her for being such a bad dancer

 

 

But I think often times we're worried about this

 

 

 

 

 

So in the end, it comes down to trust, one form is a very different form than the other. Then it comes down to jealousy and security. Security with yourself and your relationship. Me personally... I wouldn't like that my GF was dancing with others...but I wouldn't give her grief about it and eventually something I would be okay with.

 

It depends on the context of dancing, and intentions of the opposite sex.

 

In your case, I think you acted 100% OK minus then letting the tipsy gal into the car. Yes we can't control what others do, but maybe we can prevent them from hurting others!

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You did nothing wrong.

Yes, people in relationships are allowed to go out without their significant others and *gasp* even dance with the opposite sex, as long as there is no grinding and no slow dancing, and everything is kept PG. Being in a relationship doesn't mean we are dead to the rest of the world, and our sole goal should be pleasing our partner.

Your boyfriend sounds very insecure and jealous and he needs to grow up. You are a mature person and you can handle your own in any situation, you don't need him to tell you what you can and cannot do!

Like someone else said, it's all about trust.

I would have a huge problem if the guy I was dating told me what your boyfriend is telling you, and for me, this would be grounds for breaking up, because obviously we have totally different views on what is appropriate or not. I could never live and spend time with a guy who thinks like your boyfriend.

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It is of course comforting to hear that I am not crazy/bad person and that yes, couples sometimes spend time alone from eachother in a mixed gender setting.

 

However, when my boyfriend posed this very question on facebook, he was met with people agreeing on his point of view. I hope I didn't put too much of my spin on it. Makes me wonder if he were to come here and word things his way if you all would agree with him? Unfortunately, he has since deleted that facebook post (otherwise I would paste it here) because I was a little upset that he was essentially airing our problems out to mutual friends and making me look bad.

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I'd probably be upset if my BF danced with another girl, even if it was in wingman context, but I think I could let it go after a convo. However, your boyfriend is being unreasonable if he expects you to never have contact with other guys. Why is he so insecure? Has he been cheated on in the past? Are there other things going on in your relationship? I would tell him gently that while you respect his feelings and understand why he got upset initially, you feel like he is making this a bigger issue than it was, and gently check with him to make sure he isn't feeling so insecure for other reasons that he isn't telling you.

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You are asking different questions here.

I may not be a man, but a sensible married man should not be ok with his wife flirting or even giving out her number to strange men at a bar. She's an adult, should know what her alcohol limit is, and be aware of how she conducts herself in public while drinking. She had total control over the multiple decisions found in this situation -- limiting how much she drank, telling the men that she is married and not interested, choosing not to lead one of them on, and walk away -- and chose the ones that disrespects her marriage. By getting into personal conversations, dragging one of them on the dance floor, and then exchanging numbers at the end sends a bold message that you do not care about your marriage.

 

As for you OP, you did nothing wrong. You didn't give out your number. You did not accept any drinks from them. You were honest with the guys about being in a relationship. Dancing with people is completely harmless activity. Your boyfriend needs to get over it or he has major insecurity issues. I have danced with random people at clubs before without my fiancé multiple times and declined numbers and no... it is not cheating!

 

 

1. Your only mistake was helping her into her car when she was intoxicated. You should of taken the keys and drove her home (only if you were sober). She was breaking the law that could of cost a person's life. As someone who lost a close friend to a drunk driver... This is where I seriously frown upon.

 

2. Be more firm with both the guys and your friend by bringing up her marriage. If you caught them exchanging numbers, intervene with a firm apology and a solid NO. If your friend doesn't appreciate it, then you need to evaluate what kind of a person she really is. Who wants to be a friend who openly disrespects her own marriage and puts you in the middle of it? It's not a good situation to be in.

 

 

I disagree. A good friend would never allow their friend to drink and drive. I had a good friend of mine killed by a drunk driver and that mistake can never be taken back.

 

 

Of course you know why? Those posters are his friends who will have a biased view. You came here for 3rd party opinion with much more mature adults in solid relationships

 

ENA > Social Media Friends

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Ok, even if they were not "good friends" would you want to be that person who allowed someone intoxicated to drive and later find out she either got arrested, killed an innocent bystander, or even killed herself by getting into an accident? You would be totally ok with that?

 

Hell, I wished someone prevented that man from getting behind the wheel drunk and took my friends life. He took an 8 year old little girls mommy and she now has to grow up without one- all because he drank and drove. The world would be a better place if there were responsible people or helping those be responsible -- and yet something simple by offering to drive if sober or catching a can make a huge difference.

 

Though you would not be the one who did it, you would feel extremely guilty about not having control before the situation happened.

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I guess I should have called a cab. If I could do that part of the night over, I would definitely do that. She seemed "okay" to me, I didn't want to be intrusive. I'm sorry for your loss. I had her text me when she got home.

 

Why is he so insecure? Has he been cheated on in the past? Are there other things going on in your relationship? I would tell him gently that while you respect his feelings and understand why he got upset initially, you feel like he is making this a bigger issue than it was, and gently check with him to make sure he isn't feeling so insecure for other reasons that he isn't telling you.

 

He is insecure for a multitude of reasons. Yes, he has been cheated on in previous relationships. He has reasons to be cautious of trusting me. I, admittedly, was in a fling with a married man. We talked about this and he knows my bull "reasons" and also where I was at mentally during this stage. Also, I apparently become the "flirty, loose morals type girl" drunk when I get drunk. He has seen this happen first hand. Its been brought to my attention and I never want to get "drunk" when I am out and about without him there. He is also insecure because we don't have sex as often as he would like, so he takes it to heart. I just don't share the same desire for frequency that he does. Plus, bull fights like this will put a damper on that situation for atleast a few days.

 

I forgot to mention -- he was slightly angry that I didn't invite him out after plans fell through. I just never thought of it. Was still in the "girls night" mindset. Plus, he hates going out to bars.

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Yes, he has given me crap before. And by crap I mean grimacing, the 20 questions like : who was there, did anyone talk to you, did you drink, etc

 

This is the first and last time I set up a girls night. The whole thing was a disaster, from him blowing up to my friends ditching out.

 

We have talked before about the work it will take for him to trust and see that I am not going to get wasted and flirt with the world, or get so drunk that I pass out on the sidewalk and get raped.

 

This hurts so much because I walked away feeling like it was a success ( for what it was) and that I handled myself like a lady.. Only to have him get pissed off. He believes no healthy relationships allow each other to spend time out in the world with the opposite sex, whether it be chatting or pg rated dancing.

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She seemed "okay" to me, I didn't want to be intrusive. I'm sorry for your loss. I had her text me when she got home.

Ok, gotcha. When you wrote that you made sure she got in her car, I interpreted that she needed you to help her walk to her car and be buckled before driving- not that you walked with her to her car so that no one would try to jump her. And depending on how tipsy and locals laws are... you may not know if she really was too drunk to legally drive. In one of the cities I used to live in, I couldn't drink one full bottle of beer and operate a car or I would fail the legal limit on the breathalyzer test and have a DUI. Cab drivers/metro would be RICH because of it.

 

I forgot to mention -- he was slightly angry that I didn't invite him out after plans fell through. I just never thought of it. Was still in the "girls night" mindset.

Wow, he is such a whiner! Did he seriously use that defense? HAH that's so pathetic. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you don't deserve "girl time," even if it's just one friend. This was also your first girls night. I don't get why he's so bent out of shape over this either.

 

Tell him to shut it and take his tampon out.

 

This is the first and last time I set up a girls night. The whole thing was a disaster, from him blowing up to my friends ditching out.

Stuff happens and I feel you. It is extremely rare for me to even have a girls night because ONE of them wants to always bring her boyfriend along. It's like what part of GIRLS night did you not understand? I be like, "Leave his ass at home. I can't talk about periods or vaginas with him around." (It's not what we talk about, but our conversation topics have nothing to do with male interest).

 

This hurts so much because I walked away feeling like it was a success ( for what it was) and that I handled myself like a lady.. Only to have him get pissed off.

You had a great time, didn't do anything to hurt the relationship, and that's what matter. You are successful. Don't ever let a man make you feel you aren't with his BS. His insecurity is his own damn problem and tell him that.

 

He believes no healthy relationships allow each other to spend time out in the world with the opposite sex, whether it be chatting or pg rated dancing.

If he believes that, then he has lots of growing up to do. Again, not your problem. Maybe you should of picked up one of the guys at the bar? Kidding

 

And since he likes to talk about his relationship problems on facebook like a 13 year old, direct him to this thread any time

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What really irks me about your boyfriend is that he brought your relationship issues into a public forum (not that this isn't one, but you get what I mean) for his friends and family to get involved, even if he disguised it as something something else - he is still using other peoples answers as ammo against you instead of keeping it between the two of you. And then even changes the story so that he will get the results he wants. Not that you should get any gold medals for how you dealt with the men - I think that behaviour should be expected behaviour in a healthy relationship - but compared to this other woman and the way she treats her marriage he has hit the jackpot with you.

The way he has handled this is incredibly immature and instead of listening to your story, and somehow empathised with your predicament - he has picked out the key words of "dancing" and "other man" and chosen to focus on that rather than join you in the eye rolling over the series of unfortunate events.

 

In this situation, it could be classed as a one off and remedied simply by explaining to him again that it was very awkward for you and you weren't comfortable with things in the slightest. Plus the reason you even told him about your night in the first place wasn't to "confess" anything, it was simply to complain to a sympathetic ear. However, if he is insecure about you having any kind of fun without him I'd put it down to a serious red flag. Making himself the victim here and throwing it out there for all friends and family to see is an over-exaggerated attempt to make you seem and feel like a bad person. You don't want someone who judges your every move without them, or makes you feel bad for situations you seem to get thrown in. You know what happened, and you know what you felt about it. If he wants to destroy the trust between you and make you not want to open up and talk to him about things then he's going the right way about it.

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It wasn't the OPs responsibility to babysit this woman. I don't think she did anything wrong...

 

OP...I probably would have done just as you did. In the future I would probably avoid hangng out with her..

 

How would you feel if she had killed someone with her car and it was one of your loved ones? Would you still think it wasn't this woman's responsibility to advise against getting behind the wheel? IMO: The least she could have done was recommend she take a cab and drive her back to the venue in the morning to get her car when the alcohol had left her body. On Edit: I see you've agreed that calling her a cab would have been in order.

 

This hurts so much because I walked away feeling like it was a success ( for what it was) and that I handled myself like a lady.. Only to have him get pissed off. He believes no healthy relationships allow each other to spend time out in the world with the opposite sex, whether it be chatting or pg rated dancing.
While I am sorry that he chooses to emotionally abuse you by punishing you, it appears that you both have different sets of boundaries when it comes to interaction with the opposite sex while out without one another. This "stand off" can be remedied by you giving in to his paranoia and never interacting in any other way then what HE deems appropriate because it doesn't look like he will give you any wiggle room on his need to control this particular type of situation.

 

Up to you whether you acquiesce to his views or tell him his being ridiculously paranoid (which in my opinion, he is) and he either drops his schtick or you're done with him because you've just come to realize that he has issues that you're not going to be responsible for. I can't see him compromising and its either one or the other or you just leave it unresolved until you do something else that he goes off the deep end about yet again.

 

Is he generally such a giant baby or was it just this one occasion that bought the juvenile out in him?

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