Maybe she's a bit mad?

[corvidae]

OK, so my dating life has improved dramatically this year. I hit online dating with great energy; it's a lot of work but I've sent out hundreds of messages and I have managed to get a few dates this year. 5 so far, with a few more lined up for next week. In most cases there has been no chemistry, and I totally expect that, it would be really weird to find your partner on the first few attempts!

 

I did meet one really lovely Swedish girl and we got on really well, we have things in common and I feel really relaxed with her. We met up for dinner, and then I asked her out again last Sunday and we ate and saw a movie. It was all very nice. But I don't know where I stand with her - she hasn't suggested we do anything, I organised both the first two dates. I am not sure whether she likes me or not. She is very cool and isn't letting me know how she feels.

 

I asked her by text if she wanted to meet next Sat and she said she was busy. I asked if she wanted to meet again at all and all she said was "sure". She did not seem at all concerned by this question.

 

So, is this a case of "she's just not that into you"?

 

Should I try to arrange a date for next week, or should I wait for her to do something to show me she is interested in putting some effort in?

 

Should I just give up? When we are together I think we are a good couple, but she just seems to not show any enthusiasm.

 

What do people think?

 

Matt

[mhowe]

She may be having herself one of those "few dates lined up this week" weeks as well!

 

Keep her in the roster until you decide it isn't worth it.

[chr8st8na]

Eh it happens when someone is not really in to you or/and they got other dates lined up or anticipating. i think if you have asked her if she wanted to meet and she said yes, then I think you should follow up with a date. You have nothing to lose.

[goodheartlady]

You had two enjoyable dates with her. She said she is open to going on another date.

 

Am I missing something? Why are you giving up?

[faraday]

It sucks when someone doesn't reciprocate. Maybe plan another date with her, and at the end of that date, tell her that you'd like to see her world and suggest she plan the next date.

[icecreamaddict]

Keep trying, if she keeps blowing you off then I would move along. Personally when I was doing online dating after a date or two if the other person asked me out and I wasn't interested I simply would say I had a great time, but didn't feel we were a good match. Sadly, not everyone is honest and some will just blow you off if they aren't interested.

[corvidae]

Because I organised two dates and tried for a third, and she's not tried to organise anything or suggest meeting. It's all one way. We get along, I think there's potential, but she doesn't have any apparent enthusiasm.

 

You had two enjoyable dates with her. She said she is open to going on another date.

 

Am I missing something? Why are you giving up?

[mhowe]

Then don't call her for another date --- easy peasy.

[Batya33]

All you need to know about her feelings is whether she is accepting another date. If it were me and I got the lukewarm treatment I'd give it one, perhaps two more dates and if you don't see enthusiasm on her part in some way then I'd move on.

[itsallgrand]

^Yup. One or two more dates. If she's still lukewarm and not giving you anything back, then move on.

 

Yay for improvements on the dating front for you!! That's all really good stuff. Nice to see !!

[corvidae]

OK, that's all good advice. Thanks.

[bulletproof]

Also, keep in mind that some people are slow to warm up. I've heard stories of people who may have had an okay time on the first two dates, for example, but then something clicked on the third. She may just be neutral right now but you never know what can happen, so maybe it's worth trying for a third.

[corvidae]

Thanks itsallgrand, I have been really making an effort this year. It's been really hard work, but I think I have got better at online dating as my response rate has gone up and I've met 4 new people this year already, with more lined up. I really like the Swedish girl, we seem to get along very well, it's only her oddly cold attitude that makes me worry.

[Ms Darcy]

Matt -

 

Ugh, I can't even focus on this issue at hand, to be honest.

 

I AM SOOO PROUD of YOU. The place you are in now is like the polar opposite of where you were a few years ago. Thi is soooooooooooooo much progress for you!

 

You are right ... finding the right person takes time. But you are doing all of the right things. Of course you can tweak a thing or two (I prefer calling over texting). But overall, you should be so proud of yourself.

 

What would you say has really helped you to get to this point where your outlook is so much better and you are really being so much more proactive?

[lavenderdove]

If she is continuing to accept dates with you she likes you! and to be turned down for one particular day, for all you know she's seeing her sister or mother, so as long as she agrees to another time, that is fine.

 

I had a Swedish roommate in college... she was a wonderful person, but every culture is different than others, and the Swedes I've met are very practical down to earth people, and can be taken as shy or reserved with strangers or people they don't know well but lovely warm and loyal with those that they do know well. So it could be a cultural distinction where you are expecting her to be effusive but her culture is a bit more reserved with people they don't know. There's also a chance that she's a bit shy, so will take time to warm up.

 

So if you are otherwise enjoying yourself, i'd try going on more dates with her to see if she warms up a bit.

 

And good on you for having the right attitude about dating.. just get out there and keep going until you hit the right one and it sticks!

[missmarple]

the Swedes I've met are very practical down to earth people, and can be taken as shy or reserved with strangers or people they don't know well but lovely warm and loyal with those that they do know well. So it could be a cultural distinction where you are expecting her to be effusive but her culture is a bit more reserved with people they don't know.

 

This could be it. One of my closest friends is Swedish and she's very reserved...to the point that some people think she's cold or unemotional.

 

By the way, during the first 2 dates, did you tell her that you like her or anything like that? I mean, apart from the typical 'I had a good time'.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks itsallgrand, I have been really making an effort this year. It's been really hard work, but I think I have got better at online dating as my response rate has gone up and I've met 4 new people this year already, with more lined up. I really like the Swedish girl, we seem to get along very well, it's only her oddly cold attitude that makes me worry.

 

It's paying off, too. So pleased for you. Made me smile....the optimism in your posts.

[Sportster2005]

Because I organised two dates and tried for a third, and she's not tried to organise anything or suggest meeting. It's all one way. We get along, I think there's potential, but she doesn't have any apparent enthusiasm.

 

Anything but a yes is no. Ask her one more time. If she gives any other answer than yes, fogitaboutit.

[corvidae]

I'm not really sure to be honest. I asked someone out at my Christmas work party and got rejected, and I felt down about that for a couple of days. I stopped seeing my dating coach friend, but the last thing she said to me was that should stop moaning and just get on with it. So I guess that's what I did. I made a plan to hit online dating and to just keep trying no matter what, and to also attend singles events. Mostly I just don't take it personally when the dates don't work out, if I am honest with myself I know it takes a long time to find someone you really click with, so I suppose I just have to keep trying.

 

It's hard work - on the online dating front I have to send out a few dozen messages to get a response, then there's an exchange of messages, then we usually agree to meet up. But even then about 50% cancel or disappear. Last week I had four dates lined up but only two came through, but that's fine, I'll just keep going.

 

I like the Swedish girl, I felt a connection with her I didn't with any of the others. That's why I'd like it to work out, but I don't have much experience dating so I'm not really sure what to do!

 

Matt -

 

Ugh, I can't even focus on this issue at hand, to be honest.

 

I AM SOOO PROUD of YOU. The place you are in now is like the polar opposite of where you were a few years ago. Thi is soooooooooooooo much progress for you!

 

You are right ... finding the right person takes time. But you are doing all of the right things. Of course you can tweak a thing or two (I prefer calling over texting). But overall, you should be so proud of yourself.

 

What would you say has really helped you to get to this point where your outlook is so much better and you are really being so much more proactive?

[Ms Darcy]

Well I am glad you are DOING now. It's definitely a trial and error process. I think you have gotten solid advice. Try one more time. If she says anything but yes, take it as a no and move on.

[goodheartlady]

OP:

 

Send her something along the following lines:

 

Sorry you can't make Saturday! I would love to get together. Which dates next week would you be available?

 

Wait for her suggestions.

[Miss Firecracker]

It's easy to turn down a text message. Not so much a real man's voice. CALL her, please don't text.

[corvidae]

So I sent her a message asking if she was better, because she had a cold. And she ignored it. I think she's just not into me. Screw it, I'm ditching this one. I'll be sad for a bit then keep trying!!!

[tiredofvampires]

I would have concurred with others that the Swedish culture has a kind of introverted and not demonstrative emotional demeanor (so says my friend, an American ex-pat living in Sweden), but with this turn, yeah, just move on.

 

I do want to say I feel really happy for you though, and proud of you, for the strides you've been making. AHA! I knew online dating could be your ticket! I'm glad you overcame your past resistances to doing it, and are going about it more perseveringly!

 

Great to see you posting of your progress, mate. Just keep it up!! Your attitude is better than I've ever seen it -- A+, actually!

[pl3asehelp]

My family is almost all Sweedish American. Most people outside Scandanavia find the typical Swede off putting. Google 'waiting for the bus like a swede'. Or watch any Ingmar Bergman movie.