My friend says he's straight...and I don't believe him. I just want opinions!

[FriendsWithEx]

Disclaimer: This is going to be a LONG post, and I have no idea what order to put this all in so it'll be a jumbled up mess. Bear with me, please.

 

I'll start off by saying this involves a long-distance friend but I wanted gay-friendly advice so I posted here instead of the long-distance forum. He's also a bit younger than me -- he's 18 and I'm 26 -- but I don't think this belongs in the age-gap forum either. Secondly, I'd like to say that I'm a man, and I identify myself as "pansexual", I suppose. I'm not necessarily attracted to people by their looks (just a little bit; porn barely even turns me on) but more so their personality and the way they act towards me. I also don't think that my attraction towards a person or who I'm with should be defined by their gender. I've been with both women and men, and could care less either way. For simplicity's sake, you're welcome to think of me as bisexual.

 

Ok, so I met this friend online a few months ago (on a video game, just so you don't wonder if it's a dating site or something) and we hit it off really well. He knew my brothers before he knew me, and they more or less introduced me to him. From the moment I met him I felt a connection of sorts. He's extremely nice, especially towards me. He was very loyal to and protective of me. We have the same sense of humor, can make each other laugh, and have a good time, we just have a whole lot in common in many ways but also differ some (and I'll get to that later).

 

We've played video games and/or talked together for hours a day literally every day since we met. We have played a game other than the one that we met on, as well as played games separately while still talking on Skype. We don't really care what we're doing, as long as we're doing it together. He's extremely nice and generous, and buys me things or gives me things in this video game a lot (so noone can say he's "using me" because the opposite is what could actually be said!)...and I feel like he's opened up a lot to me. He tells me things like we're best friends, and, well, at this point I would say we definitely are. Some of you might call it a bromance and that's fine -- that's why I want your opinions (especially opinions of straight guys, most especially that of those who've been in a bromance before).

 

I'm not the type of person who hops from relationship to relationship. I don't some chick at a bar and be like "hey, what's your number?"....I just go with the flow, and if I find someone I like, I try to find if they're interested in me. Well, after getting to know this guy, I've got to honestly say I'm interested in him. He does a lot of things to make me think he likes me (and by that, I don't mean he's "gay". He could be bisexual, pansexual, whatever. I just don't think he's straight). We flirt back and forth but it's hard to tell if it's joking or serious. We talk mostly in Skype, but one night as he was going to bed I said something like "good night sweetie" and put a kissie face. Apparently, that was taking it too far, so he asked me if I was gay and if I liked him. He said he wouldn't care and was just wondering. At first I dodged those two questions and he dropped it, but then I thought it'd probably be the perfect time to tell him so I told him that I'm bisexual and sorta explained pansexuality to him (or whatever I am) -- but I ended up explaining it more in detail later. I told him I don't like him like that because I think of him as just a straight friend, but if he wasn't straight then...well, I could see myself liking him. That's not entirely true, because I really do like him, but I don't want to scare away my best friend, you know. So he just assured me he was straight and that should've been enough for me, except I don't believe him.

 

Right after telling me he's straight, he told me he thought he was bisexual once and tried kissing his gay best friend but didn't really feel a "spark", or whatever. I said well maybe that just wasn't the guy for him, and he said if there were any guy he could ever like, it would've been him. That was sort of a slap in the face to me...like he liked that guy more than he could ever like me. It makes me wonder why he doesn't talk to that guy anymore, but I didn't ask. I just dropped it after hearing that.

 

However, there ARE several things that makes me think he likes me, some of which have been before I told him I'm bi, and some of them are after. There are a few major things and lots of little things.

 

The first thing that really made me think he liked me is when the told me that he wishes I was a girl, because then he'd like to date me. I just laughed it off at the time but AFTER I told him I'm bi, he said it again a couple days later. I told him then that him saying that made me think he liked me...but we just laughed that off afterwards.

 

Now let's talk about his girlfriends. When I first met him, he was dating this girl and she started working at a bar so he dumped her. He says he didn't want her working at a place where guys might hit at her all night. While I don't agree with his rather poor excuse, I'm either A) not sure I got the whole story, or B) think he might just be making it up. Either he didn't have a girlfriend in the fist place...or he broke up with her because he likes me. That last one is a long-shot, but yeah.

 

Then a month or so after that, he gets another girlfriend. This was before I told him I'm bi. I kind of wonder where he meets her, because he spends all his time either asleep, at work, or talking to me. Literally. So I sorta didn't believe him at first but then I sorta had a conversation with her via text message a couple of times (he'd get a text [i hear it] and he says what she says then I tell him what to reply). It sorta made THAT a lot more real. Interestingly enough, the things that his girlfriend and I talked about were (mostly jokingly) that she's jealous of me talking to him so much more than her an getting to spend so much more time with him than she does, and I was telling her I wouldn't let her have him, and that I'd fight her over it. Stuff like that.

 

--Oh, completely randomly, so one time I was talking to him about my ex-girlfriend and he said he'd beat her up for me (you know, jokingly...) then he changed his mind saying she'd probably win and that we'd have to tag team her. He said I could take all the hits for him and he'd nurse me back up afterwards. Or whatever. Kinda lame, gay-sounding, and what kind of straight guy tells another straight guy (before he knew I'm bi) that some random girl he knows nothing about could probably beat him up? Just saying. --

 

Another big thing that makes me think he likes me (and this goes back to his girlfriend again): on Monday (two days ago) he was supposed to hang out with her after work but blew her off to go home and play video games with me. She was texting him like crazy (I could hear it) and he said she was mad (duh) and he was in a bad mood...but I was able to put him in a better mood quite quickly. Oh, yeah, that's another thing. I'm good at putting him in a better mood. Real good. He's told me at least two or three times that he doesn't know what he'd do without me and he only makes it through the day sometimes because of me. It's such the sweetest thing to say...

 

Remember how I said that there's differences we have? The other day he pointed these out to me and said that it makes us like the perfect "pair" (or some word like that; it wasn't "couple" I remember). And I just said something like "yeah, too bad you're straight". Heh... He said opposites attracted and that i'm like the Yin to his Yang. Hmm...

 

One final major thing that makes me think he likes me -- and let's see if this convinces any of you. He and I live pretty far away from each other. We both live in the United States, and while I haven't looked it up on a map or anything, but it's probably 18 or so hour drive. Halfway accross the country. Pretty freakin' far. And he wants to MOVE IN with me. Seriously. He wants to leave his family, his friends, and his nice job to move in with me. Just me. That's it -- just me. I've never like ANY of my FRIENDS enough to do that...I'm really flattered, but it really makes me think he likes me more than he lets on. And not only that, but at first he said he wants my roommate out of my house. Erm, why? I didn't ask him but all I can think is he wants me to himself or doesn't want other people to see him make moves on me or something i mean who knows. He seems to want to have an intimate private life with me. Just my opinion. I can't make heads or tails of it. Well I discussed it with a friend and she said I should probably ask him why. My roommate and I are also thinking of moving soon. Now we live in a 3-bedroom house, but we are thinking of moving into a 2-bedroom house or apartment, and if we did, there wouldn't be a separate room for him. So I asked him if he really wanted my roommate to move out and he said something like "I guess not, if you don't want him to". O.o And so I asked if we moved into a 2-bedroom house, would he want to sleep in my room...and he said he would. Hmm...the only other time in my LIFE I've ever slept in the same room as someone besides my brother when I was a kid was when I lived with my then-boyfriend. And yeah, not everyone knew he was bi but they suspected it. Since we slept in the same room. Same bed, even, which I'm assuming me and this guy would have to do since I doubt any room of any place I'd be renting can fit 2 beds. And he makes references all the time about him moving in. Like he'll say "tell your roommate I'm going to beat him up! hehe Little does he know I'll see him soon" or "it'll be so much more fun after I move in with you".

 

So anyway he also has this female cousin, she's 21 years old, and apparently, she's asexual. She's not attracted to men OR women. So he knows people with uncommon sexualities. But anyway, she was at his house once and they were joking about wearing a bow tie (don't ask me; I'm clueless) and he said he wore a bow tie to work and he texted me a picture saying something like "see how I looked before work this morning"....well...he wasn't wearing a bow tie. And I pointed this out to him. And he said "yeah, I know" and just started laughing. Just seems to me like he just wanted to text me a picture for no reason (although, I already knew what he looked like because of his profile picture on Skype). And yes, he knows what I look like too. I'm a bit more overweight than him and today our characters on the video game were standing next to one another and I said I'm a lot bigger than him and he said it'd probably be that way in real life and I asked how tall he was and he said 5'8" so I told him I'm 5'9" so not really a difference and he said that he's really skinny and i was like "Oh, is that a fat joke?" and he said "no, you're not fat" hehe, he tries to make me feel good, see what I mean? Then he kept talking about how much muscle he has an how it feels up his shirt and I'm wondering why on Earth he'd tell me that but I guess it's not so abnormal for guys to brag about their muscles...just the way he worded it...I dunno...

 

So anyway, it's easy to see why I'm attracted to this guy. He's extremely nice and has a great personality, very similar to me, we have a lot in common, etc. I think, especially being that he's so much younger, he's probably just uncomfortable with the feeling that he likes me. Maybe he's not ready to admit to himself yet that he's bi, or pansexual, or whatever; let alone admit it to somebody else. But I think deep down he likes me a lot, maybe even more than he realizes, and I wish he could just come to terms with it and tell me. And who knows -- I could be totally off. That's why I'm asking for opinions. I just don't want to wait around for someone for no reason, you know? If it's a hopeless call, guys, please tell me, I want your honest opinions. I'm not one to find someone I'm so deeply interested in so easily and I may not let myself notice somebody else if I can't detach myself from him, you know? So either help me detach or tell me you agree with me and give me that hope if that's honestly how you feel.

 

Thanks to everyone for reading this and for posting!

[mhowe]

I think you are projecting your wishes that he is gay/bi because you want him to be.

And I think NOT believing him is the issue ---whatever gender identify he is --- is how he believes himself to be.

It is not your place to question it.

[MisUnderstood9]

Holy wowza, that was a long post. lol I did read the whole thing, and from the sounds of it, he likes you. However, he is only 18. I remember being 18, you are just figuring yourself out sexually as a human being. I went through the whole, am I lesbian, am I bisexual, am I this, am I that... I still question it sometimes and I am 25.

 

He could be crushing and is embarassed to admitt that he likes a male over a female. He could want to move in with you so he can test out his theory in a place where he'd feel safe and unjudged. But I would be careful. He could just be being a best friend and he truly sees you as a best friend.

 

Do you know anything about his real life social life? Does he have personal friends outside of the video game and skype? My boyfriend has a friend that he plays WOW with and he is very much the definition of "anti-social" and texts, FB msgs, calls my bf's skype until he answers it because my boyfriend is his best friend because he doesnt have any real-life friends (I also am friends with him, but he doesnt msg me as much as he does my bf).

 

Only way to figure it out is to ask him, or test out your theory (which could be risky). Figure out a way to get him to you or you to him. He probably will want to come to you as he probably doesnt feel that experimenting this theory is safe in his home town.

But that's the only way I see how you are going to find out the answer to that question.

[lavenderdove]

Ok I didn't read all of this and i'll tell you why... he's only 18, and at 18 people experiment with all kinds of identities and personas. And who he REALLY is won't be determined for quite a while since at 18 he is basically 'half baked' as an adult. So he himself may be trying on all different kinds of personas and how he eventually ends up when he solidifies as an adult no one knows at this point.

 

And secondly, who he is is his choice and you shouldn't try to influence him one way or another, or try to make that choice for him, or make his like you in the same way you like him etc. You stand to lose him as a friend if you come on too strong in a 'parental' role of trying to tell him who he is our who you think he is or who you think he should be. He will resent that, and frankly that's overstepping boundaries since who he wants to be is his business and not yours.

 

So just be his friend, and let him decide who he is and who he wants to be. We commonly get threads on this board where people start to have feelings for someone else who is just being friendly back, which is followed by pronouncements of 'I know we're perfect for each other' or 'I know he's really gay and just not acknowledging it,' but frankly, a lot of those interpretations can be wishful thinking, and it ends badly if you spend too much time crushing on someone and don't openly express what you want from the relationship, or try to pressure someone into feeling the same way you do when they're not reciprocating or seeing themselves or the friendship in the same way you do.

 

So all you can really do is put your cards on the table here and tell him how you feel about him and ask him if he's interested in a romantic relationship with you or not. Doesn't matter whether your gay or straight or in-between, eventually that question needs to be asked. But if he doesn't feel the same way, be prepared for it to get awkward and possibly lose the friendship, especially if he considers himself straight and sees this is a 'bromance' rather than a flirtation between you. Straight guys, especially young ones, can have some really strong 'bromances' with their male friends that are strong emotional attachments but have no physical attraction/component to them, more admiration and male bonding than anything.

 

But if you ask and he does feel he's got a romantic interest there, then proceed... but if he doesn't or isn't interested or it turns awkward, then just move on and look for another partner who is openly expressing interest (and better possibilities will be closer to your own age rather than 'half-baked' and unsure of who they are).

[quintus t]

I totally agree with lavenderdove : "putting the cards on the table" is always the best, easiest and most reliable way to clear the atmosphere. I always do that and take the risk of rejection. Knocking about the bush does no good. That always leads to misunderstandings and painful moments.

My main problem with your story is the way you interact together: more or less virtually. No texto or skype contact will ever be a substitute to the "real life" contact. I don't think you or he may come to some kind of decision before you have not met in "reality". But since it would be a long drive- clear the atmosphere before. Well, that would be my unqualified advice.

I don't think the age gap is very significant, though. That depends on the person involved. There is something about: "age- chronological or other...."

Try the "straight" approach (forgive the punch) and just tell him what you think and feel. Even if you risk to push him away with that- in the long term it will be much, much easier and less confusing for you. But somehow I don't think he will let you down.

[FriendsWithEx]

@mhowe: I'm not trying to "proeject my wishes on him" or "question" him. I just simply think he's in denial or struggling with it, maybe not even sure of it himself. I just want to be prepared and ready if one day I hear "oh, by the way, I'm bi and have a crush on you".

 

@lavenderdove: First of all, I'm a bit offended you didn't read my whole post and I'm sort of taking your advice with a grain of salt because you don't know the whole story. Secondly, everyone is different, and while MAYBE he's struggling at age 18, I wasn't, so I know not everyone is that way. I imagine if he's struggling, I can help him with it. He will probably turn to me for help, if he not only considers me his best friend but also has a crush on me. *shrug* I dunno. And I AM just trying to be his friend; again, if you would've read it, you would've known. I'm not trying to "make a move on him" or "confess my love to him", I'm just waiting it out, but wanting an idea as to what to expect. I'd hate to "move on", find someone else, and end up liking them, only to find out afterwards that he's liked me all alone and then I end up hurting him. I don't want to do that.

 

@quintus t: I know it sucks we've only communicated via long-distance means. He seems to want to end that, so I think that's a good thing, and I'll let him. I'm capable of being his friend though if there's nothing more ever going to develop from it.

 

@MisUnderstood9: I do feel myself that he might be more comfortable if he's away from his home town. I think maybe he wanted my roommate gone because he ONLY feels comfortable around me, and would just be uncomfortable again if he was there also. Of course, he won't be there ALL the time so maybe it'll still be OK.

 

He doesn't have many real life friends though, I'm afraid, besides his cousin and his girlfriend. But he would rather spend time with me than his girlfriend. He even told me the other day that I was more fun than her. And he played games with me a couple hours while she was at his house. And he lied to her about why he doesn't text her much. He said it's because when he talks to me on Skype, it doesn't notify him that he gets a text, which is just complete and utter BS. He gets texts, just ignores them. She should know that too, because she's had "conversations" with me before, as I explained above. But if anything, I'm pretty sure it just made her even more jealous and resentful of me. *shrug* Oh well!

 

As far as his cousin goes, he seems to like spending time with her and I equally. She stays the weekend at his house every weekend. She'll come on Friday and leave on Sunday. While she's there, he lays video games with her nonstop but if I'm available, I'll be included, and maybe he'll even leave her to play a different game with me. Or sometimes he plays a game with her and not me, but continues talking to me on Skype even though we aren't playing a game together. (And he always says stuff like "I'm going to play another game with her; are you sure you'll stay on Skype?" or if I say something like "brb, getting a drink" when he goes to play a game with her he'll say something like "but you'll stay on Skype right?" Like...it's only OK with him to play a game with her but not me as long as he can still talk to me.")

 

Oh and also randomly, he watches The Walking Dead every Sunday night. It's the only regular habit he has besides sleeping, working, talking to me on Skype (which normally includes video games), and bathing (yes; he bathes, and not showers, which I think is "gay" but meh). He seems to not be able to stand it to be away from me for 2 hours and he will often continue playing games with me like 15 minutes into when the show has already started, and text me all throughout the show. Like he can't be away from me...and before you start saying "well he sounds clingy" like it's a bad thing: I'm sort of the clingy type too, so, birds of a feather right?

 

I got mad at him yesterday over something that I admit was stupid and he didn't want to talk to me on Skype but wanted to keep playing games with me (but this was after we talked both on Skype and via texts for about an hour about why I was mad, and in turn made him mad, yada yada yada). Well, yeah, so we forgave each other fairly quickly and I got him to talk to me on Skype before the game even started and he was upset at first but got over it quickly and I made him laugh and put him in a good mood. He's such a great, understanding friend. And he called me his best friend but did it sorta casually and I like repeated it and it seemed to make him flustered. xD He's so cute...but yeah I'm so great at putting him in a better mood and making him laugh and I just love it. He can do the same for me.

 

And I want to leave with a final thing he did yesterday that made me particularly question his sexuality. He just randomly asked me, while we were playing a game, "So you know how you're bi?" "Yeah." "Have you ever kissed a guy?" "Yeah." "Have you ever done anything more?" "Yeah." Then he said he didn't want to hear details or anything. But why would he ask? I asked a friend about it, and he said that he also thinks it's a little gay. I *honestly* don't think that ANY of my straight guy friends have EVER asked me that. Like, ever. Just a little odd, to me, that's all.

[lavenderdove]

>>And I want to leave with a final thing he did yesterday that made me particularly question his sexuality. He just randomly asked me, while we were playing a game, "So you know how you're bi?" "Yeah." "Have you ever kissed a guy?" "Yeah." "Have you ever done anything more?" "Yeah." Then he said he didn't want to hear details or anything. But why would he ask?

 

OK, if he's telling you he doesn't want details, that would usually be a sign that he's NOT gay, i.e., he doesn't want to know about it or hear about it because it makes him squeamish. And he could be asking because he's picking up on your interest in him and isn't sure how to handle it since he is only interested in being friends.

 

Really, if you are interested in him, I don't understand why you just don't ask him if he has any feelings or romantic interest in you. That would instantly solve the problem of this guessing game you are playing of 'is he or isn't he'... in addition, even if he is, he still may not want a romance with you... plenty of people want to be friends with other people, but are just not attracted to them in that way. So your best bet here is just asking him.

[FriendsWithEx]

Recently, we were talking about him moving in with me, and he said that he hadn't told his girlfriend yet but when he did, she wasn't going to be able to persuade him to stay. And he's not taking her with him. And he's also said it's the best relationship he's ever been in, and he expects to still be with her by the time he moves because he always has long relationships. He likes me more than the best girlfriend he's ever had...

 

I talked to him again about the first time he kissed a guy, and found out that it was forced upon on. I tried to nonchalantly tell him he can't really base whether or not he could like kissing a guy on that...but it got awkward so I just dropped it. I think it was obvious what I was implying.

 

The other day, we had a really deep heart-to-heart, twice actually on 2 different days, come to think of it. The first time I broke down crying upset about something, and he made me feel better. The second time, he was feeling upset about something, and I made HIM feel better. He said he doesn't like talking about his feelings and I said neither do I but I feel comfortable talking to it with him because it's just different and he can feel free to feel the same way with me. Everything I say to him just means so much to be and it's nice because a lot of times people just blow me off or ignore me but he doesn't.

 

I don't know. There's so many things that he does that really makes me wonder if he likes me, you know, "that way". It's really hard to say he doesn't.

[FriendsWithEx]

I don't know if anyone is still following this, but yesterday he and I did nothing but talk the whole evening. Didn't even play any games. For about an hour, we also talked to two other people in a group call on Skype, one of which was a female. She said she was a model (yeah, who knows if that's true) but he flirted with her a while (even though he has a girlfriend). At one point I said something like I wasn't going to share him with her and he's like "oh, you'll have to fight over me!" and she would say something like "well I'm a model" and I'd say something lame like "well I can dress up and model clothes too" and just lame stuff like that it went on and on and he kept saying the thing I said was better. xD

 

Then afterwards when it was just us again, we were looking at funny stuff together on Facebook (using the "share windows" feature) and came accross this thing that said something like "I think when people get married, they should merge their last names like if a Smith was with a Johnson it would be Smonson or Jith" or something you know so I told him "I wonder what our last names would sound like merged" and I offered a couple suggestions, one of which he thought was funny and was like "yeah, I like that one"...yeah...the thing was about 2 people getting married...just saying...

 

I don't know, I think I like this guy way too much and I shouldn't have ever let myself like him that much but oh well >.

[lukeb]

I read this thread for the first time, and I did read it all the way through, it is a good example of the trap you can fall into getting really involved with someone online. You become a kind of "escape" to one another. Escape like a good movie, computer game, or whatever. I don't think it matters that much if he is gay, it would seem that you are the one pushing this issue, and at least for him it is interesting enough to talk and tease about it.