Jump to content

coffeeman9000

Recommended Posts

I've been seeing this girl for 6 months and we're just moving out of the 'honeymoon' phase of the relationship.

 

I'm hearing warning bells though, but first I need to give you a bit of background of me.

 

I'm a pretty quiet type, I come from a traditional family background and have had just a few girlfriends in my time (I'm 30).

 

In the past, I've had some fairly unhealthy relationships with girls. I seem to be attracted to girls that are not really right for me. For example, my last girlfriend was younger and a party animal. A lot of things she said and did rubbed me the wrong way, I didn't like how she would flirt with guys and hang out with her exes. In the end she kept pushing me away, and I was pining for her. I knew she wasn't treating me the way I wanted, but I wanted her so bad - even though deep down I realised we were incompatible. She broke up with me and I was hurt for months. I've since realised my self-esteem is not the highest. I thought I'd never find anyone as 'good' as her.

 

Now this girl. We met online on a dating app. Neither of us wanted a relationship, but we talked a lot. We became close, friends even. We would chat for hours and hours. We sent each other messages and pictures all day. She told me about some addiction problems she had in the past and that she was in recovery, this was an alarm bell but I choose to ignore it. She also told me she had a 'wild' past, she had partied a lot but was now in 'recovery' mode due to her addictions. She now led a more clean, healthy, simple life, removing a lot of the superficial people she had spent time with and superficial partying. She didn't want to get into a relationship because of that. This was another flag, but I chose to ignore it.

 

I thought the amount of time we spent messaging and talking to each other was bordering on overkill, but I still enjoyed it. I am sensing that perhaps some unhealthy habits were forming, especially since she has an addictive personality.

 

I knew early on that this girl was unlike any girl I had met before. It's like we were 'soul mates'. She had a wicked sense of humour, she was gorgeous, she was super smart and cultured and wordly. She was a lot of things that I aspired for in a way. But, I knew she was very different to me and had different life experiences to me. I guess I blocked out some of the stuff I wasn't sure about like her partying ways and addiction issues. I guess I thought she had changed.

 

When we met, I fell in love quickly with her. It was a total joy being with her and I always found myself itching to be with her, to talk to her.

 

Though I started learning more about her past, about the amount of men she had slept with, the fact she had a lot of 'short term' relationships. She said she wasn't used to being in a relationship, not for a long time. I ignored it, but it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't bring it up much with her again. She said she was more like a male in terms of relationships, I guess she was referring to the stereotypical male where they just go for woman after woman. She also said she wasn't good with emotions, and instead blocked them out.

 

When I think about her going out, partying, hooking up with lots of guys, sleeping around potentially... it kind of disturbs me. I haven't been like that, I don't even want to dig deeper there and find out more. Even the sex, while great, she seems to treat it more mechanically and animalistically than with love/emotion.

 

Now I'm seeing some more red flags specifically around the fact she blocks emotions, and blocks confrontation. If something is troubling her, she keeps it in and doesn't communicate. She would rather communicate with her friends, or people in her addiction programs, than with me. She treats me cold sometimes, for minor things I have done. In fact it's happening more and more.

 

She's started picking up alcohol and food, her addictions of choice. She's done drugs in the past, so I'm worried about it. It seems she's struggling keeping sober while being in a relationship with me. Maybe this is what she said from the start about not being in a relationship.

 

She seems to keep in touch with old flames as well, and she's very outgoing and gregarious around men. She also sometimes says some hurtful/biting comments to me which seem to get me where it hurts, when I've done something she doesn't like. I'm seeing shades of my ex here which worries me.

 

I am worried that I'm attracted to another person that is not right for me. That doesn't treat me like how I want to be treated. That has different core values/beliefs.

 

But I am so infatuated with her. I think she is the most gorgeous woman, the most witty and smart. But I also thought my ex was amazing too, so I question my own judgment. I can't imagine not being with her. Our relationship has progressed very quickly to the point we're talking about moving in together.

 

Some things she's done though, I find very odd and unacceptable. Recently I took her to a weekend away, and on the second day she started being cold and passive aggressive to me. I kept asking her what was wrong, and she shrugged it off. By the end of the day I had booked dinner at a nice restaurant, and as were about to leave she smiles and says she isn't going to go as she's not in the mood for it, that she'd be bad company. So I went by myself. I was so angry at this, though at this point I was getting used to her passive aggressive ways. But I thought at the time this is not normal behaviour, and why should I accept it. I knew she had demons she was fighting, so I forgave her in the end.

 

But do I keep excusing her behaviour due to her addiction problems? I wonder if she will get worse, I already feel like I'm putting her needs above mine.

 

I'm just not sure what to think. I'm at the stage in my life where I don't want to continue a relationship that ultimately isn't going to work how I want it to work. I should deserve more than that. Sure I love her and so attracted to her and her personality, but this other side of her personality really worries me.

 

I also think what would life be like with this person in 1 year, 5 years, 20 years? I want a family, is this person capable of helping me raise a family? Is she stable enough to help run a home? Is she even stable enough with her demons to continue being in a relationship with me? She already pushes me away only to pull me back, what if she pushed me away for good.

 

To stay with her I am taking a risk in my life. They always say life is about taking risks and chances and going for what you want. But at the same time, I don't want to be in an unhealthy relationship or fall into my old trap with women who aren't right for me. I am stuck between taking a risk with someone I'm crazy about but who's a little crazy herself, or finding someone who is more inline with my traditions and values.

 

What do I do?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She says she's over her partying ways and doesn't want to be lonely, she wants to settle down. She says that she can see me being her husband some day and the father of her kids, though to be fair she said that after she got angry with me about something and wanted to pull me back.

 

She has shown that she wants to settle down though, introducing me to her family. Accepting me into her apartment. But at the same time, it seems she keeps lusting for more. That she is struggling 'settling down', as she sometimes seems so unhappy when we're just alone together and gives me cold treatment. She also seems to crave distraction or stimulation as she calls it. I worry that even though she says she's ready to settle down, that maybe she's not capable of it. Her past indicates that she likes a lot of distraction, a lot of attention.

 

I also think that if someone treats me with passive aggression too much of the time and I'm trying to find out what I've done to make her upset, it's not really how I want a relationship to go. I just want us to be happy and 'normal'. She says that sometimes she feels like I am against her, even over the smallest thing. That makes me feel on guard and try to ensure her needs and wants are always met. I'm worried that I pine for these types of girls where I have to chase after their needs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're not the first person to be in this situation. I recognise a lot of what you say in past relationships of my own. I especially recognise one individual that I used to know.

 

I would say you need to draw a line in the sand, and the sooner the better. Spend some time apart, perhaps see each other less often and give her an ultimatum. Tell her how she makes you feel and how her behaviour (especially with other men) sometimes pisses you off. Tell her what you want from her and from your relationship and then it's up to her. I agree that there might be some signs of hope but you can't keep hoping forever and you can't keep using her issues as excuses, not unless you don't believe that you deserve better. They're her issues, you've got your own and you shouldn't neglect them.

 

This is about respect. She can't keep treating you hot and cold like she has and, if you allow it to continue, then she will interpret that as weakness. If she wants you in her life and wants you to be the father of her children then she needs to start showing you more respect and you're not going to get that by being a doormat. It is surprising how children take cues from their parents and, if they see mummy treating daddy like sh*t, then this will influence their own relationships when they're older.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This girl screams red flag.

 

A series of short term relationship tells you she's not relationship material and she's not committed to a long term relationship.

 

You are definitely repeating patterns.

 

Unfortunately I fear you may be right. I have done some reading and it astounds me how much I relate to the 'white knight syndrome' as described on the 'Psychology Today' website.

 

A lot of those attributes I seem to qualify for. I do want to be seen as her saviour, I ignore her issues as I want a future with her, I am seduced easily by her, I got out of my way to do things for her, I feel an intensity with her. I ignore my rational self, my values, and even put at risk my future, to be with her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I should also realise her values are different. Early on when we were just getting to know each other she said she didn't really want to be in a relationship yet and even suggested about having a casual relationship/friends with benefits situation. I ignored that, and we got more involved with each other and got into a relationship.

 

I could not see myself ever being 'friends with benefits' but I see how it's ok for her to consider it. Some of her friends are like this too, she has a lot of gay friends and they don't really have relationships.

 

I thought maybe she was even suggesting it just to see how I would react. Either way, she's manipulating me or our values aren't the same. It's not a good sign. When I think about her having casual relationships, flings, sex with friends etc it doesn't sit well with me at all.

 

The fact she avoids intimacy and vulnerability, even with me, is a worrying sign. She doesn't openly communicate, she doesn't like letting her guard down.

 

I'm trying to come up with reasons to stay with her, but my inner voice is screaming to me it's not right. I don't want to self-sabotage the relationship though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need to stop making this about her. You clearly have some self esteem issues and are attracted to hot, free spirited girls. If you want a real relationship then leave her alone.

 

Also having "White knight syndrome!" Is not a good thing ... you are basically a doormat.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks guys.

 

I just question my own judgment. I don't know whether I'm making too much of these warning signs because I have a fear that the relationship won't work out. Or whether they are genuine signs for me to be cautious, and that I'm just attracted to these types.

 

I'm at the age where I want to settle down, get married, and I'm afraid of hurting myself and my future by staying with her. At the same time, I worry that I'm playing it too safe and just because she's not the 'ideal wife' I'm running away from her even though I adore her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One thing to remember is that we are often attracted to people who have either the same emotional issues as us, or compensating ones. Anyone with an addiction is bad news for a relationship, yes, but analysing everything they're doing wrong and telling yourself what a train wreck they are will not help you. In the same way that drug and alcohol users are addicted to a substance that they know is bad for them but are still fatally attracted to it, you seem to be drawn to dangerous relationships in just the same way.

 

You are far from unique in this! It's a condition known as codependency, and there's a lot of information about it on the web generally. In fact, there's a 12 Step program which works in the same way that AA does, and recognises it as an addiction.

 

Generally speaking, though, do not stay with someone in a relationship in the hope that they will change into the person you want them to be. Unless you're happy with a prospective partner just the way they are then don't try to have a relationship. Don't bet on potential, look at what's really there.

 

If you are still strongly attracted to this girl despite knowing that she's not long term relationship material, that's a sign to yourself that although you consciously want to settle down and have a future with a partner, there's a part of you which is madly resisting it and is not genuinely ready to do so. You need to work on yourself; if you leave her before you're ready to, you'll either go back to her or find another equally unhealthy relationship.

 

By the way, you don't say how long she's been in recovery - but anyone who joins AA or any of the other 12 Step programs is advised not to start any new relationships within the first year. For all sorts of reasons.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

^^

 

Yeah, I think clearly the OP has issues of his own. There's a reason he keeps attracting these kind of girls and pursuing relationships with them! He may hate the lows but he's addicted to the highs that come with dating unstable girls. Until he resolves that need in himself, balanced girls won't compare. He chasing a feeling and without that high intensity hit of dopamine, the relationship won't get his motor running.

 

Problem is, you do NOT want to marry and have children with this type of girl OP!! She will be untrustworthy. She will put you in the parent role while she behaves irresponsibly. She will lash out at you and put you down when she rages. She will cheat and flirt with other men. During the lows, she will use the children like pawns. She will fight dirty if/when you divorce and take a large chunk of your income while living in the family home (that you bought!) with another dude. She will cry, sound so sincere (because she will be in the moment), and beg for your forgiveness. And once you give it, it's only a matter of time before the cycle repeats. More selfish/erratic behavior, more alcohol, more cheating and lies, and more emotional abuse/explosive arguments.

 

The only way to avoid this kind of future is to sit down with a therapist and work out your issues, OP. You have to get a healthier relationship mindset. If not, it doesn't matter whether or not you leave your current girlfriend. You will attract another woman just as messed up and end up with a lifetime of misery.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

By the way, you don't say how long she's been in recovery - but anyone who joins AA or any of the other 12 Step programs is advised not to start any new relationships within the first year. For all sorts of reasons.

 

She started doing the 12-steps five years ago, but she's been in and out of it a few times. We met online when she was only 4 months into recovery. She said she didn't want to meet yet, for the reasons you state above. Though she didn't tell me she was in a program at that point, she just said she wasn't ready. She became more up front with me about it after we had started dating another 5 or 6 months later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She started doing the 12-steps five years ago, but she's been in and out of it a few times. We met online when she was only 4 months into recovery. She said she didn't want to meet yet, for the reasons you state above. Though she didn't tell me she was in a program at that point, she just said she wasn't ready. She became more up front with me about it after we had started dating another 5 or 6 months later.

 

This type of thread is disheartening because the unhealthy stuff is always laid at the feet of the terrible, crazy girlfriend. And the op doesn't have to examine his own inner demons and addictions ... and he plays out the pattern where the mirror of criticism never faces himself.

 

My advice to you would be to end the relationship and get into therapy to really understand what is going on that is "crazy" in you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This type of thread is disheartening because the unhealthy stuff is always laid at the feet of the terrible, crazy girlfriend. And the op doesn't have to examine his own inner demons and addictions ... and he plays out the pattern where the mirror of criticism never faces himself.

 

My advice to you would be to end the relationship and get into therapy to really understand what is going on that is "crazy" in you.

I agree with you, I'm just trying to get some perspective on all this.

 

I guess this girl has some issues but so do I. I don't think she's crazy at all, she's highly functional, but when she has an addiction and I see patterns of behaviour emerging from that it make me worry. Both about the relationship and me being so attracted to her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...