Is trying to shut up someone also abuse?

[yeawutever]

Hi, I would like some insights on this. This is an update to this thread I've posted long ago when I was 19:

 

 

Though it's been a long while since my father hasn't gotten physical with my mother over her verbal tantrums (he seemed to have regret it in the end and actually saw how it created an impact to me as well as my resentment towards him and Spanish speaking men from third world countries overall; one of the major reasons I've become a feminist long ago and very strict on the no hitting rule towards any potential bf I get), he still has the habit of sometimes saying ''Oh shut up'' in a sarcastic way or as in saying that you don't know nothing, so shhh. I would find it very annoying to be married to a man that tries to shut up me during every single argument or whenever I want to voice something different. That would truly make me feel so little as if I were treated like a subordinate and not an equal.

 

I know this isn't the same as physical anymore but it seems like a type of abuse. I feel that's belittling someone still. I find a very rude for a man (or woman) to constantly say shut up instead of knowing how to solve the argument in a constructive manner. I hope this thread doesn't get closed (I'm tired of previous threads of mine getting closed). I want some insights to this update. Another thing annoying is sometimes he even imitates her talk and off course she ends up getting more upset.

 

I know my mother can also still get verbally confrontational but I think as a man, one is suppost to know how to handle that. It would make me think he's smart at least.

[mhowe]

So your mother can be verbally abusive but your father can't?

 

Telling someone to shut up or hush is rude.

It is not abusive.

[yeawutever]

So your mother can be verbally abusive but your father can't?

 

Telling someone to shut up or hush is rude.

It is not abusive.

Yes, it's rude. I still think he can get his points accross without constantly trying to shut her up as it's not working (hitting her in the past definitely didn't work either). If it did then she would have obviously changed long ago. Thing that gets me is he actually went to college for 2 years in his youth and was into business related major and several classes related with how to handle difficult people (many times I've heard him having an intelligent conversation with others) and yet he is clueless with my mother. If she's that way, it's obviously because he isn't good at understanding her or really sucks.

[mhowe]

Maybe she isn't good at making herself understood.

[BrianH46]

I think someone telling me how to handle a situation a certain way because as a man "I am supposed to take it", is abusive. I feel abused for having read this post.

[yeawutever]

Maybe she isn't good at making herself understood.

The only difference is she only has a HS education (never went to college and is completely lost when it comes to smart topics) and her vocabulary level is very limited so it can be understandable. That's really how she expresses herself and yes you're right she goes tend to go in circles. But like stated, she lacks in education in comparing to us.

[yeawutever]

I think someone telling me how to handle a situation a certain way because as a man "I am supposed to take it", is abusive. I feel abused for having read this post.

Well he was abusive in the past too and I nearly got him arrested at one time (I won't hesitate in doing that again if he ever reverts back to being physical with her now). I plan to also file charges if a potential bf did as little as getting in face during an upheated argument.

 

I just think that a smart man would know how to handle any argument. It can even make the woman feel terrible and even apologize (or even change for the better) but not with aggressive (as in the past) nor constantly shutting her up and much less mimic her.

[BrianH46]

Well he was abusive in the past too and I nearly got him arrested at one time (I won't hesitate in doing that again if he ever reverts back to being physical with her now). I plan to also file charges if a potential bf did as little as getting in face during an upheated argument.

 

I just think that a smart man would know how to handle any argument. It can even make the woman feel terrible and even apologize but not with aggressive (as in the past) nor constantly shutting her up.

 

My dad was abusive and was thrown in jail for it on more than one occasion.

 

As a feminist, you should know that woman are just as capable as men to handle an argument without resorting to abuse of any kind. If your mom is acting in an abusive manner, that is on her. If she doesn't know how to express herself without being abusive, she can learn. Telling your dad to "man up" because he is a man, or because he has an education is not a valid belief for a feminist.

 

An aside though, I think the word abuse gets thrown around much more often than it really should.

[mhowe]

If your mother is not educated nor clear in explaining herself or rationalizing her thoughts it must be frustrating for your father to listen to her talk in circles. It is never to late to learn.

 

I agree with Brian. Your expeditions of your father to "suck it up" are unreasonable and your dismisall of your mother's lack of education as the reason she is ignorant is also unreasonable.

My grandmother didn't finish high school...and she was very bright.

[yeawutever]

My dad was abusive and was thrown in jail for it on more than one occasion.

Yeah, I got no problem throwing him in jail if I he starts hitting her again. Though my mother got even with him too: since I'm old enough to know everything, according to him she has told him last year or so ''At least I only slept with someone else once'' in anger only to say afterwards that it's a lie and she was only upset with him. Not only that but this was before my now nearly 12 year-old brother was born. He has been in doubt as to neither it's his biological son because he said it was an unexpected pregnancy at the time (but she said it it) but hasn't brought up the topic since. He already sucking it up on that one and forgetting about it. Though this might sound mean, I think he did deserved the cheating (if it did really happened that is).

 

As a feminist, you should know that woman are just as capable as men to handle an argument without resorting to abuse of any kind. If your mom is acting in an abusive manner, that is on her. If she doesn't know how to express herself without being abusive, she can learn. Telling your dad to "man up" because he is a man, or because he has an education is not a valid belief for a feminist.

 

An aside though, I think the word abuse gets thrown around much more often than it really should.

I'm not sure if a nearly 50 year-old woman can learn at that point. But I guess it's worth a try. The reason I say this is because even when watching movies or trying to explained an topic of average intellectual terms that most people would understand, she doesn't.

[poetryandlyrics]

I kinda understand with yawhutever's (if I misspelt, my bad. On phone) post about the mother. My mom is a bit like that. Limited thinking due to lack of a language development in school, 3rd grade level comphrension. However, I wouldn't want to say she can't learn. But... I imagine there are some uneducated people who are still open minded to learn. Perhaps the learning part would be harder but the fact is, maybe we're just excusing our mothers because they're our mothers. We never saw them trying to be better to really know.

[yeawutever]

maybe we're just excusing our mothers because they're our mothers. We never saw them trying to be better to really know.

Yeah, it's still my mother after all and I used to resent everytime I my father hurt her physically and making her cry while my father would make excuses for it as if saying she deserved it. No one deserves to be hit if it's not even self-defense.

 

Note: She's hispanic and feisty when in disagreement or trying to reach a point.