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So jealous it's really not funny.


freedomaddict

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Hi,

 

So I'm highly aware of my own jealousy (in exclusive romantic relationships). As far as normal standards go, one would easily say my jealousy is unreasonable and unhealthy. I am very conscious of this and have tried various methods (communicating with partner, focusing on my personal agenda, a bit of therapy) but to no avail. I've come to conclude that it's all perspective. I need to change the way I view this relationship that I am so worked up over.

 

Any advice or coping strategies?

 

Thanks.

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I can relate to this because I get really jealous as well...

I've been on by many guys and you could say I haven't had the best of luck with guys.

I decided to give this guy a chance who had been there for me for 2 years and chased me for 1 and is popular and well known by everyone.

While I was with him at his house, he would get girls ringing him and txting him and I remember sitting there and driving myself mental thinking omg he's seeing someone else and I was physically shaking..

It's so difficult but you really just have to try and step back and take a chance you know. I know it's hard.. I had to stop because I realised it was getting worse and I was pushing him away, whilst I was believing stupid insecurities that kept coming into my head.

 

I started to trust him and not get jealous when these girls would message him - because he was with me and just remember that.

 

I've since lost this guy, only recently.. Through no fault of my own. He had to go running back to his ex for horrible circumstances but I can tell you I'm hurting so bad right now.

 

So really try and push your jealous thoughts away and give someone a chance - the benefit of the doubt. Just remember they are with you and not them. Yes I've had therapy too for this but it's only you who can truly put it to the test.

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omg could we get more replies to this, it's such a devastating issue...I'm going through the same just now but have to add that i don't feel jealous in every relationship, just when it's with a guy whom i feel gives me reason...the thing is, i don't always know whether i actually have a reason and am being a good judge of hidden subtleties or whether i'm just plain overreacting...my heart goes out to you freedomaddict, i know the fear of another bad experience can be crippling, hang in there and keep us posted O

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There is a simple technique that has worked for me and I'm not very jealous. I tell myself this:

 

I do not own this person. She has her own will and may choose to do what she wishes. Being with her is a privilege and not a right. If she chooses to spend her time with someone else she may. I need to happy that I'm getting whatever time I am able to get while she's still alive and in my life. She will not be in my life forever.

 

If the girl starts flirting with someone else and then this applies:

 

If someone else makes her happy and is more able to do so than me, and I love this person, then I should make sure she ends up happy with that person. Sure it hurts, but I cannot be the best always, there will always be someone better. And I shouldn't hinder that person from being with the one they like most.

 

With this setup, if that person cares about me the most and doesn't want to be helped into a new relationship they will go with me. If they want to be with me and don't want another relationship they'll stop any attempt at pursuing one. Either way the person in question is happy because they get the freedom to do whatever they want. I'm happy because I'm not jealous and I know they're with me because they want to. Or I'm happy that they're with someone else and they're happy.

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Mari, that's mature thinking, hat off. I do have a similar policy myself and am not generally jealous- i'm just having a hard time with people who like to be in the gray area, that is, decide to stay with me and swear they only want me but at the same time they don't mind getting attention from other girls or granting them theirs, claiming they're only friendly even when they're obviously not. I guess it calls for an ultimatum but i don't wanna be a demanding beotch. Also, I think the fact that someone voluntarily provides reasons for jealousy shows that they're just not fully devoted- they still wouldn't be if i forced them into an ultimatum so it kinda makes me wanna pack up and leave them to the other person. I guess the toughest part is recognizing whether your reaction is based on previous bad experience and your own insecurities, or whether the significant other is really maintaining more than friendly bonds with other people..

 

I totally agree with reminding yourself that you don't own anyone! ANYONE could end up crossing the line with someone else, even long term marriages are subject to subtle or obvious infidelities. Keeping in mind that things could change and you could end up disappointed can help you relax, accept that there are no guarantees in life and that your sense of worth should not depend on another's appreciation or the lack of it.

 

Freedomaddict, think about your partner's behavior or ask an uninvolved person's opinion about it, it could turn out it's harmless. Is he otherwise loving and attentive and seems like he takes you seriously? Some of my boyfriends had loads of female friends but they were so caring and devoted with me that i had no doubts, they could meet up with their friends without me and i wouldn't even worry. How do your partner's friends act around you? My boyfriends' friends were very nice to me, they seemed happy about the relationship, would not exclude me in conversations etc so i felt really safe. Some guys are more difficult to figure out than others but if nothing else, time should tell.

 

I hope all goes well, let us know how you're coping

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Mari, that's mature thinking, hat off. I do have a similar policy myself and am not generally jealous- i'm just having a hard time with people who like to be in the gray area, that is, decide to stay with me and swear they only want me but at the same time they don't mind getting attention from other girls or granting them theirs, claiming they're only friendly even when they're obviously not. I guess it calls for an ultimatum but i don't wanna be a demanding beotch. Also, I think the fact that someone voluntarily provides reasons for jealousy shows that they're just not fully devoted- they still wouldn't be if i forced them into an ultimatum so it kinda makes me wanna pack up and leave them to the other person. I guess the toughest part is recognizing whether your reaction is based on previous bad experience and your own insecurities, or whether the significant other is really maintaining more than friendly bonds with other people..

 

I totally agree with reminding yourself that you don't own anyone! ANYONE could end up crossing the line with someone else, even long term marriages are subject to subtle or obvious infidelities. Keeping in mind that things could change and you could end up disappointed can help you relax, accept that there are no guarantees in life and that your sense of worth should not depend on another's appreciation or the lack of it.

 

Freedomaddict, think about your partner's behavior or ask an uninvolved person's opinion about it, it could turn out it's harmless. Is he otherwise loving and attentive and seems like he takes you seriously? Some of my boyfriends had loads of female friends but they were so caring and devoted with me that i had no doubts, they could meet up with their friends without me and i wouldn't even worry. How do your partner's friends act around you? My boyfriends' friends were very nice to me, they seemed happy about the relationship, would not exclude me in conversations etc so i felt really safe. Some guys are more difficult to figure out than others but if nothing else, time should tell.

 

I hope all goes well, let us know how you're coping

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Thanks. The gray area does happen a lot but that is something that's just natural. Most guys and girls cannot control who they like or how much they like them. So if the person I'm with is attracted to someone else then she has to decide if that attraction is worth more than the attraction to me and the investment in me. This has worked out in my favor because of the investment she has in me. People that value their relationship recognize their attraction to a new person may cost them their current relationship. So they may pay attention for a while, but if they realize their feelings are getting stronger, they limit their contact with that person on their own.

 

I've done this to women I recognize as compatible and women have done it to me too.

 

The only time I've known this to be an issue is if the partner is not happy with the relationship. So that partner will look and go for a new relationship. But even in that case, if I do my best and that's not enough for them, then it's better for me if they look for someone new.

 

Another key for me has been understanding that who they like isn't better, he/she is just more their taste, like chocolate vs vanilla. I've seen this a lot too, someone will leave for someone new and if you compare the two and you'd have no idea what they see in them. It's like they went from good to much worse, but somehow they're happy because they're both at the same level and are more compatible. So for this, I don't worry about what I was lacking other than did I do my best and is there anything I can improve. But both of those are there during the relationship too.

 

Lastly, I do still warn if I see something my partner doesn't. This is my job, and it is hers to warn me. So if a guy likes her and tries to flirt with her, I will warn her that he likes her and that continued contact could develop into feelings which will diminish her current relationship with me. I don't do this in a mean way but if we're a team it's important to both of us. So I'll request that she limit contact possibly cut it off altogether, but there is no retaliation if she doesn't follow the request. And since the relationship is important to her, she won't willingly diminish it.

 

I play by the same rules though, anyone she feels is a threat, even if it is impossible for me to develop feelings for, is out. Conversations are limited to what's necessary and that person's questions are forwarded to the same gender partner. So anything I'm asked will be responded with "my partner can help you with that". Thinking this way and doing this has really helped avoid conversations that start with "Sorry, it just happened..."

Each person will feel secure in what they have and don't have to worry as much.

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I play by the same rules though, anyone she feels is a threat, even if it is impossible for me to develop feelings for, is out. Conversations are limited to what's necessary and that person's questions are forwarded to the same gender partner. So anything I'm asked will be responded with "my partner can help you with that". Thinking this way and doing this has really helped avoid conversations that start with "Sorry, it just happened..."

Each person will feel secure in what they have and don't have to worry as much.

great idea!
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Why get jealous? You don't control what other people think and feel. You can't stop them from doing something that they are committed to doing.

 

A long, long time ago I used to be like this. When I realized that the extent of my reach only goes so far, I stopped caring about the rest of it.

 

Set good boundaries and stick to them.

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