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Why did he lose interest/ dealing with rejection


bluebell29

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I was kind of seeing this guy until about a month ago and it's now been a month since we saw each other (he was out of town for a couple of weeks in that time). I know if he wanted to see me he would make it happen so I'm just wondering how it can be that he spent so much time with me, I felt like he really enjoyed my company but now doesn't care about seeing me while I really miss him! Why would someone just vanish like that? Nothing physical ever happened, we were just developing a friendship first so it's not like he lost interest after sex.

 

I know I'm a great catch in many ways and I felt I was a little out of his league in some ways too so it's even harder to take the rejection! And he's deleted his profile from the dating website we met on implying that he's probably met someone...I don't get how some people find it so easy to get into relationships (he had been on the website for only a few weeks) while I really struggle to find someone I'm interested in firstly and then when I am, they don't seem to stick around!

 

Sorry for the vent but I'm just trying to understand why he doesn't feel the same about me as I do about him - I truly felt a connection...

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It's online dating...you have to expect these things to happen. Those who don't do online dating have indeed less opportunities to meet a large variety of people, but the upside to that is that they will dedicate more time and effort getting to know those who they do meet (through work, friends, social activities, etc). By contrast, the online daters have many opportunities to meet a large variety of people, they go through hundreds of profile within the hour. So obviously chances are they will see at least a few profiles they'd be interested in, and the people they already met, unless they check all the points on their "wanted" list, will be soon forgotten.

If you do the online dating, you have to know this in the back of your mind and be prepared for it to happen, and not take it personally.

Your guy must have become more interested in a different profile he saw, who he deemed to be closer to what he was looking for in a woman than you were.

It doesn't mean that woman was better than you in any way, they probably just clicked better and he chose to pursue something with her instead.

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I went back to your other posts to refresh my memory. You were less than enthusiastic about this guy and were asking advice on how to seem interested. Between the two of you there was minimal interest and a few group dates. This never got past that.

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I went back to your other posts to refresh my memory. You were less than enthusiastic about this guy and were asking advice on how to seem interested. Between the two of you there was minimal interest and a few group dates. This never got past that.

 

Yes, you're right I wasn't that interested in the beginning and I blew him off a couple of times but then he grew on me and of course now he's faded. The group dates thing, as it turns out, is the dating culture (or lack thereof) of the country I live in. I was applying my own definitions of things when he was actually showing interest by including me in his friends' group (given I don;t know many people here, that would have been helpful too!).

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We like challenges. Seeing somebody too much can hurt relationship at the start. Less is always more. Take your time getting to know somebody. Most important, no sex for 3 months. This also can be his dating pattern. The next girl will be treated the same.

 

That's the thing - I thought we were taking our time! lol At least that's what it seemed to me and I was happy about it...apparently it was disinterest on his part...

 

And when mhowe talks about disinterest - how do you even know if you're interested in someone until you get to know them a little? I thought that's what we were doing and were just feeling each other out slowly. So I wouldn't say there was 'disinterest' on both sides....I think anyway...

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Well when I say blew him off, it was a legitimate excuse and I offered up alternative dates. It wasn't out of disinterest.

 

I texted him a couple weeks ago just to check in but he was travellling. I haven't been in touch since. Should I contact him at all or wait to see if he contacts me?

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You specifically asked in your other thread:

 

"How do I appear interested?"

My response was that if you had to ask internet strangers how You should act....YOU could not be that interested in him. Because if you were...you wouldn't be asking.

 

And "taking it slow" does not equal blowing him off.

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That's the thing - I thought we were taking our time! lol At least that's what it seemed to me and I was happy about it...apparently it was disinterest on his part...

 

And when mhowe talks about disinterest - how do you even know if you're interested in someone until you get to know them a little? I thought that's what we were doing and were just feeling each other out slowly. So I wouldn't say there was 'disinterest' on both sides....I think anyway...

 

Your better off without him. Somebody that wants instant gratification isn't worth it.

 

One thing you do wrong and they leave. Sounds like he was big baby. Good luck..

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You specifically asked in your other thread:

 

"How do I appear interested?"

My response was that if you had to ask internet strangers how You should act....YOU could not be that interested in him. Because if you were...you wouldn't be asking.

 

And "taking it slow" does not equal blowing him off.

 

OK yes, I repeat, I wasn't that interested in the beginning but then he grew on me.

And I only used the term 'blew off' because a lot of commentators to my other thread had said that the way I responded to his invite sounded like a blow off. I had a legitimate excuse (then and a couple other times).

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I'm actually surprised you even ask WHY he lost interest after you showed lack of interest and blew him off in the first place. You can't expect people to keep coming back to you if you treat them that way. He noticed you're not enthusiastic about him, so he moved on. Why's that so difficult to understand?

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Your better off without him. Somebody that wants instant gratification isn't worth it.

 

One thing you do wrong and they leave. Sounds like he was big baby. Good luck..

 

Thanks Yes, I did feel like he was a bit of a baby...maybe he would've been a lot of drama down the line.

 

But the rejection sucks especially when he's found someone else so quick!

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I'm actually surprised you even ask WHY he lost interest after you showed lack of interest and blew him off in the first place. You can't expect people to keep coming back to you if you treat them that way. He noticed you're not enthusiastic about him, so he moved on. Why's that so difficult to understand?

 

Well I didn't write the entire relationship on this forum. What I wrote about was only the first couple of dates. I did initiate later and showed enthusiasm and he actually turned down a couple of my suggested dates too and we had to re-schedule.

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Do a quick and simple evaluation over whether you feel you should have behaved any differently, take note of the answer and then move on, understanding that not everyone is going to click with you.

 

Thanks Batya. I think I'm just too slow to react and by the time I am sure about my feelings, the person has moved on! Need some strategies on how to deal with this problem...

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Sometimes it is absolutely nothing that you did or that he did. Not everyone is going to be compatible or want to be with you no matter how amazing you are. Simple fact of life is that not everyone is your friend or will even like you and there isn't anything you can do about it, but move on and find the people who do like you and do want to be with you. In dating it's a numbers game and much like anything else often times you'll go through people you'll like to varying degrees and they'll like you to varying degrees. If you're lucky you both end up at the same level of liking and move at the same pace, while everyone else is just not right for you. Including this guy. Neither of you were really on the same page to begin with and my guess is over time while you may have warmed up to the idea he started to have second thoughts and realized indeed you weren't compatible. But that's his reasons and his standards, if you didn't do anything out of the ordinary or outrageous then it isn't anything you did. He just wasn't feeling it the same way I'm sure guys have been interested in you, but you weren't interested. And sometimes we don't know we aren't interested until we go out with someone a few times and find out the initial attraction is gone. I've had that happen myself, so yeah it sucks but it is what it is.

 

As to online dating well I never had luck with it, but I know others who have. I always met my SOs through activities or shared groups like school or work. I would not recommend work though, that was a disaster come to think of it.

 

Move on and keep dating others, you didn't promise this guy anything and there's zero reason for you to put your life on hold when he's not interested.

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Honestly I dont think you two were compatible to begin with... and even if you declined his dates in the beginning, i dont think it has anything to do with him fading out on you. I have stressed a couple of times on here that people have different paces when it comes to 'getting to know you' and if you meet someone who matches your pace, great! If you meet someone who doesnt, then yea, might decide if you want to compromise or meet halfway.

 

I think reality is, you can be goodlooking all you want but to survive in the dating world, you really need thick skin.

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Thanks for the opinions. I really wonder sometimes how some people seem to get into relationships so quickly (like this guy, having been on the website for just a few weeks). They're hardly ever single for a month or two! Is it that they're just not picky?

 

I think sometimes you meet someone and automatically you just click with them- everything just seems right and perfect with this person- on top of the chemistry you both connect emotionally mentally and physically. So possibly he met someone else and he wanted to focus on her only and she, vice versa. I know people think this only happens in the movies but it has happened to me twice so I can vouch for it.

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