Problems Talking to Girls (Never Know What to Talk About)

[R3d Anonymous]

I don't know how many times I will have to ask this question or a variation of this question - I may have to ask it for years until I can FINALLY talk to a girl well, comfortably, and confidently.

 

Anyway, I have other problems such as Nice Guy syndrome, basically meaning that I am underconfident and get shot down too easily. I am also shy so instead of saying much, I just sit/stand there and smile and try to make a lot of eye-contact really. But my BIGGEST problem is that I don't know WHAT to talk about. I am TIRED of asking, "How are you doing?" "What's up?" "What's your name?" "How's it going?" questions like that. It's just too stale. And I rarely can get much further than that. I don't know if it's been just the girls that I have talked to haven't really "clicked" with me yet (and by the way, I haven't really talked to that many girls in my life. The number is probably somewhere around 5) or if it's something else. I understand that you're supposed to ask all that boring stuff in the beginning, but once we're past that, I don't know what to talk about. And more importantly, god forbid if a girl teases me I don't know how to respond. I don't understand how people respond so quickly without thinking, yet flawlessly while I am there thinking, "What do I say? What do I say?" only to mess up or just not respond at all and have to widen my smile instead.

 

Maybe it's just that I have too little life experience. I am only 16 and I am Indian and am underdeveloped socially because back in elementary school I used to be really weird and hyper and never made many friends and it's been like that pretty much my entire life that I have very few friends. Mostly everything is just too normal in my life. I play League of Legends but that's about it and I really don't want to talk about that because then I will get labeled as a "nerd" most likely, at least early on I will. And I am good at violin but there's not really much to talk about there.

 

The problem is I see everything as too "insignificant" if you know what I mean. That's why I never talk about them. You know, I hear people saying, "Oh we shared life stories on our dates and had a great time." See, now THAT's some thing I can see as sort of significant and not stale: life stories. The problem I have is nothing is significant in my life, or if it is, it's some sort of flaw about me or at least others view it that way.

 

I am a terrible conversationalist and flirt. Not to mention, I am only 5'3" right now and my expected final height is 5'5". I am not THAT insecure about my height, but it's just that everyone keeps saying I WILL find love but it's seeming more and more impossible. I don't know how there can be a girl out there that would accept me for who I am and look past my flaws because these flaws are extremely detrimental to attracting girls. I am starting to lose faith in the saying that "there is someone for everyone". I am just too boring and have nothing to offer. Hence, I have became a hopeless romantic and I don't know when, and more importantly, IF that will change.

 

So anyway, despite all that, I am talking to a couple girls nowadays in school and am having all those problems so I was wondering if you could help me out. I mean, I am probably already friend-zoned but it would still help to know what I can do.

 

EDIT: And also, problems with shyness and not being talkative is more of an early-stage problem that I have. If a girl for once will give me a chance and wait for my extremely thick shell to crack open, I wouldn't really have much of these problems.

[John John]

OP, don't sweat it so much man! You are ONLY 16 years old! I didn't have a clue with women at that age. While I did ok with girls in my teens, I really didnt learn how to talk to and act around girls until I was 22 (towards the end of college). I was socially awkward for the longest time, and I didn't have many friends in junior high...and I went to an all boy high school...all of these things held me back socially. But I eventually caught up, and I do just fine now.

 

First off, regarding the height, maybe you can see if your parents can take you to a doctor to see if HGH is still an option? Even if it's not, look around you...don't you ever see couples where the guy isn't tall? I see them all the time. Height is important to dating, but it's definitely not the be all end all. I see more and more women with men shorter than they are...while not being tall can be an impediment, it WON'T knock you out of the game if you have other things going for you.

 

You're very young right now...and I will tell you something that you should do (that I wish I did when I was 16)...try to find a guy who's REALLY good with girls, but ALSO a really good guy. Have him take you under your wing. There's a guy at my gym that sounds a lot like you...and he works out with a guy who's a bit older (I think 18 or 19), and he does REALLY well with girls. I see the two of them together, and I totally think to myself "man, I wish had a mentor like that." But it's pertinent that your mentor is a nice guy (yes, some nice guys do very well with girls) and not a selfish jerk. I knew some guys in college and I attempted to go under their wings, but they were selfish and basically (even if inadvertently) ruined many of my chances sometimes. I think you get the idea.

 

I know a guy from my college who sounds a lot like you describe yourself...and he was fat and balding! Yet, he always had good looking women surrounding him...it was because he was super confident and outgoing. I know at your age, it seems that your looks "define" you...but you need to start getting it into your head that confidence is huge in the dating world. And remember, you're only 16...you have plenty of time to learn how to deal with women

[CeeLambrini]

Well, you're only 16 - meaning you've had what, 3 or 4 years in total of actually noticing girls as something other than boring and strange?

Plus, I'm 5ft 3, yes I'm a girl and that's socially "acceptable" yadayadayada but at the same time, I've never actually rejected anybody for not being 6ft, in fact my best relationships have been those with guys I don't need a stepping stool for to simply give them a kiss.

 

So age and height - I wouldn't worry too much right now. I'm sure you're panicking because you read all about these silly things like "friendzoning" and "dating games" and all of a sudden you've been thrown into a world where society makes you feel like you need some sort of tactic, or skill in order to interact with the opposite sex.

You can either jump on in and "play" these games that everyone else seems to be doing at that age, or just be yourself. Stop seeing things about you as "flaws" and rather as "differences" that make you unique. If you see yourself as flawed, then other people will too.

Also, girls aren't a completely different species. Girls also play League of Legends, I'm sure and even if one doesn't, it doesn't make you incompatible. The first way to interact with any other human being is to actually be interested and stop casting the small talk off as "boring". Actually care how she is doing, care what her name is, care about what is going on with her life and take the questions from there. If she talks about school, ask her what classes she takes. But care. Don't play the conversation as some kind of foundation for moving forward - this isn't The Sims. If a girl bores you then you're not compatible. If you really like a girl, then conversation will come easily and you will actually enjoy talking to her, not cast it off as some kind of boring foreplay before the real exciting stuff happens.