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My head and heart on a page.


ratatatgirl

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I'm brand new to ENA and I've decided to start this journal here although, I first posted a few days ago in Healing after BreakUp or Divorce regarding my situation with my alcoholic BF. It helped me tremendously, but I feel like I need a way to dump some more of the thoughts I've been struggling with that aren't related to him, just something for me.

 

To start with, and to just put it down somewhere, I suffer from depression/anxiety. I always have and know this in my heart and am thinking about going back on anti-depressants. It's been about 5 years since I was last on them and to be honest the idea scares me. A lot. Not only because of the side effects I experienced but deep down because I know how much strength it takes to go through, to get there. The doctor. The appts. The talks with friends about it. The talks with myself. The new routine. All of it. Yes, I know in the end it is usually worth it and I was one of the lucky ones who did benefit from the use of Effexor, but where I'm at right now, this week, today..I'm not sure I can get myself there.

 

At least I got that out. It feels like that's what I have the strength to do right now. Just say it out loud. If that's where I stay for the next few days then fine. I have so much more going on that I have to focus on and figure out that I'm surprised I'm even allowing that to be in the back of my head.

Just to touch on the breakup a bit, it's been 5 days. Wow, it feels like it's been 10 now that I say it. We've had NC since saturday night, when he called me and my phone is going to run out of minutes tomorrow and I don't have money to get more until I pay my rent, so that'll make it easier....? I just find myself feeling so lonely, obviously. But the friendship is what I miss the most. He and I were pretty inseparable and we experienced a lot of laughter and genuine comfort in eachothers company, on or off the alcohol. He said he doesn't want to just disappear from my life but he doesn't know that, that's what I need right now to get through it. I'm aiming for a month of not seeing him-if we talk or text or whatever I'm not too concerned because we run in the same circles and have a lot of the same friends so the stress of worrying about keeping to NC when it's not a reality, right now, is more stressful than anything. If it happens it happens, but I just can't SEE him. He's too damn cute! and I'm a sucker for that. It pulls on my heartstrings like nothing else and literally makes me weak in the knees.

 

I know that I'll get through it but I've found the hardest part for me is that now I'm left with my own s**t constantly running around in my head, and nothing else to distract me with. This will be a good thing, eventually but like I said earlier, I need to find some strength within all of this, so I WANT to get better, and deal with my own life's problems. Don't have much of that desire or drive kicking around up there anyway, so it all feels so empty right now. I can just take it day by day and hope that it will come.

 

 

________the ways in which we choose to spend our days, is how we'll live our lives__________

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Wow, what a difference a day or two can make. Tonight, as I was getting home from work I felt good, excited even just to go home and watch a scary movie and buy some candy. (which I did, yum) I thought about how I had felt all day, did a few things differently than I normally would have and got out earlier in the aft before my shift. HOWEVER it was an extremely cold day today (-40 with the windchill no joke) and that kinda took the wind outta my sails, as I am always on foot, no car, hate the bus. All in all, my head was in the right place so I just rolled with it. Work was verrrrry slow, due to the weather but towards the end my boss and I sat around and developed our new menu, joked about hotdogs, listened and sang along to old 90's songs and I realize now that I was just in the moment all day. Not thinking ahead, not looking at my phone all day, not wondering if my ex would call me tonight. None of that stuff that has normally, kept me so pre-occupied in the past. I think this is what people refer to as taking it day by day. Sometimes that concept can be so fuzzy because we are rarely ever focused on our lives as we are living them, it's always 'oh tonight I'm...or this wknd I should....' but I feel so good about the day I've had and where my mind is right now. Glad to be able to write that down and know it to be true : ) Funny though, that when I got to my apartment I went into the back entrance and was so lost in my own happy thoughts and hunkered down from the cold that I slipped the key into the wrong lock and it got STUCK. I tried and tried to yank it out but had to just slip the whole ring off and leave it in the door. I walked around around to the front hoping someone would come out, or walk down to the laundry room but no, 15 mins outside in -40 temps made it feel like half an hour so I called my off site caretaker and he had to call another tenant to come down and let me in. Ugh, I felt like an ass but the UPSIDE? At least my ex gave me back my spare when he left my place after our breakup!

 

and now, I'm comfy on my couch warming up, scary movie on deck...

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