Obsessed...can't get him out of my head...

[SpongeCake23]

So I was unfaithful to my boyfriend last weekend..it was a kiss and nothing more but the chemistry was undeniable.

Background story:

We met online - a self help forum...and have a lot of things in common, we immediately hit it off and spoke everyday...via private messaging at first and then on Skype and finally by text.

Meanwhile, the situation with my boyfriend (4 years together) was a bit messy...he is struggling to commit to me due to his issues and doesn't show me a lot of affection/kissing etc except when we are having sex and not even then sometimes.

When I met this new guy...I was apprehensive because he was pretty much a stranger to me...but it turned out he was everything he had been online and more. We got on so well in person and he made me laugh..I was having fun, which I hadn't felt in a long time.

We had a couple of drinks in the evening and we kissed down some dingy alleyway (not my best moment) but it was sadly quite passionate and unlike anything I've had with my current boyfriend for a while.

 

He lives 4 hours away from me and has been talking to me ever since...we both know what happened was wrong but we wouldn't take it any further with me in a relationship.

He now wants to meet me again and despite my best efforts, I am looking at going up in the next few weeks...me and my current boyfriend are not seeing eye to eye and I'm in a mind that I may call things off for a bit or go on a break to get our heads sorted (not so I can do stuff with this other guy though!).

 

I can't stop thinking about him...it's quite addicting.

[mhowe]

You don't get to "take a break" from your current bf so you can test drive a new one.

 

If you cannot tell your bf that you are going to meet with the other guy, then you know it is an inappropriate action.

[pl3asehelp]

What a shock cheating on your boyfriend of 4 years was exciting. Just tell him what you did and break up.

[Furbys]

You need to break it off with your partner because you obviously do not care about him anymore. You have cheated on him so you need to go tell your partner what you have done and that you are planning to meet with the guy again.

 

Your partner is not giving you the affection you desire so you sourced it from someone else and this is wrong. Have you told your partner that you do not feel enough affection from him?

 

Either way tell your partner you have cheated and plan to do so again, he will most likely leave you but that is his choice to make.

[SpongeCake23]

You don't get to "take a break" from your current bf so you can test drive a new one.

 

If you cannot tell your bf that you are going to meet with the other guy, then you know it is an inappropriate action.

 

I was planning on telling him because I wasn't planning on anything happening this time and if it did then I would tell him that.

I'm not sure what to do, I'm so torn...I do love my boyfriend but he isn't showing me that he really cares about me. He has lots of issues and hurts me with some of the things he says.

If I meet this guy again it would be purely platonic because we do get on as friends, I know there are feelings but I've been friends with a man I had feelings for before now.

[SpongeCake23]

You don't get to "take a break" from your current bf so you can test drive a new one.

 

If you cannot tell your bf that you are going to meet with the other guy, then you know it is an inappropriate action.

 

Also that wasn't the reason we would be taking a break...

[mhowe]

So -- you couldn't keep your hands off him last weekend --- but you will be able to when you go to visit him (as opposed to an alley).

 

Denial.

 

I think you need to tell your bf about what you have already done --- not what you are planning not to do, but will do anyway.

[Glowguy]

Who are you trying to convince here? It is pretty obvious that the situation with this guy is not platonic and he is clearly the reason for the break - go back and read your first post. You aren't going to get much sympathy or support here for your actions. Do you think what you are doing is right or that your actions are indicative of a 'loving' relationship? Would you tolerate this from your boyfriend? Once you go down this path it will be too late to take it back.

[SpongeCake23]

So -- you couldn't keep your hands off him last weekend --- but you will be able to when you go to visit him (as opposed to an alley).

 

Denial.

 

I think you need to tell your bf about what you have already done --- not what you are planning not to do, but will do anyway.

 

Harsh but fair I suppose. I just know that it would kill him and no I wasn't planning on anything else happening with this other guy again...I definitely won't be drinking this time and I guess I don't want to lose out on a potentially good friendship...yes I know it all sounds pathetic but in my head this is really what I feel will happen.

And if I do see him again and feelings are strong (even if we do nothing) then I will sit my boyfriend down and tell him...at that point we may or may not be on a break anyway so I guess he wouldn't be too surprised.

[SpongeCake23]

Who are you trying to convince here? It is pretty obvious that the situation with this guy is not platonic and he is clearly the reason for the break - go back and read your first post. You aren't going to get much sympathy or support here for your actions. Do you think what you are doing is right or that your actions are indicative of a 'loving' relationship? Would you tolerate this from your boyfriend? Once you go down this path it will be too late to take it back.

 

I don't want sympathy but I'm only human...it's tearing me apart...I'm getting my just desserts as I can't sleep at night at the moment and I feel guilty all day long. No I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I feel it's probably punishment for my actions. But he hasn't been the best person in this relationship by a long way.

[mhowe]

It isn't harsh, it's reality.

You are visiting him ....4 hours away. Likely will stay over. Very likely will drink. Extremely likely activity of alley will be carried on in private.

 

"A potentially good friendship"....maybe FWB, not there isn't a friendship base here.

You are cheating on your bf...and new guy knows this too. And if you will cheat once, the chance you will cheat again on someone else is much bigger.

 

"Even" if we do nothing --- yeah, you cannot even say "nothing will happen".

 

We "may or may not be on a break"....if you admit your infidelity....I see BREAK UP, not break in the near future.

[Kendahke]

I was planning on telling him because I wasn't planning on anything happening this time and if it did then I would tell him that.

I'm not sure what to do, I'm so torn...I do love my boyfriend but he isn't showing me that he really cares about me. He has lots of issues and hurts me with some of the things he says.

If I meet this guy again it would be purely platonic because we do get on as friends, I know there are feelings but I've been friends with a man I had feelings for before now.

 

Oh, come on. Something IS going to happen. You've been spending your time obsessing about this guy. You want us to believe you're going to drive 4 hours to just sit accross and giggle with this guy? Please, give our intelligence more credit than that. One doesn't obsess about a mere friend.

 

If your boyfriend is that horrible with you, then you needed to drop him off a long, long time ago, not hold onto him becaus eyou didn't want to be lonely.

 

Cheating on him---and what you're doing is emotional/intimate cheating on him--is deceitful

[Unreasonable]

You crossed a line that makes this relationship inappropriate no matter what, while you're with your boyfriend.

 

You have feelings for each other. This DISQUALIFIES "just friend" type relationships. Even if it is one-sided. Male/female friendships only work if neither side has feelings like that.

 

Break? Please. Decide who you want to be with and go from there.

[SpongeCake23]

So breaks never work at all then? Just it get our heads straight etc.

[HeartGoesOn]

And if I do see him again and feelings are strong (even if we do nothing) then I will sit my boyfriend down and tell him...at that point we may or may not be on a break anyway so I guess he wouldn't be too surprised.

 

Keep in mind that your actions will come with consequences. Are you prepared for that?

[mhowe]

Our heads are fine....yours isn't screwed on correctly.

 

You cheated. Period.

You are planning on cheating again. Period.

After you cheat for the 2nd time, you are going to ask your bf for a break....so that you can cheat some more.

 

If it works out with #2, the "break" will be indefinite.

If it doesn't, current bf #1 will be called back into the line up.

 

If your bf has an ounce of self esteem, which is doubtful --- he will not accept break. He will break up.

[Furbys]

Why do you want to meet with the guy again BEFORE you tell your partner you have cheated on him?

 

Stop being selfish and tell your partner what you have done. Show him some respect and tell him the truth instead of trying to continue a affair.

[Unreasonable]

So breaks never work at all then? Just it get our heads straight etc.

If your break involves intentionally "test driving" another guy (I love that mhowe), then no. That's just suspending the relationship so you don't feel guilty about cheating. It's not a real "head clearing" break.

[SpongeCake23]

Well you guys are making me think I should tell him and not see this guy again but it's so, so difficult once the deed has been done, that's the easy part...trying to tell him...of course that's the hardest.

[Unreasonable]

WILL you never do it again? WILL you cut him out of your life COMPLETELY? Forever?

 

If so, I might advise to just chalk this up to "lesson learned" and not tell him about it. However, I don't think you are there. An "obsessed" person is not there.

 

Therefore, I think you probably should tell him so he doesn't wind up in a whole lot of pain later when you've done something worse.

[LC8328]

OK...here's the thing. What you have here are two different guys; therefore, you have two different problems.

 

1) Your boyfriend. He isn't treating you well. Reality check: This doesn't give you carte blanche to cheat on him. What you need to do is think about what you want to do about him, and only him (instead of thinking about breaking up with him because you want to see this other guy so much). You HAVE to talk to him about how unhappy you are in this relationshihp. You don't want to? That's tough. Sorry, but that's reality. If you're old enough to be in a relationship, you're old enough to have uncomfortable talks with your BF, because guess what? Relationships take work. By both people. It's not sunshine and roses the whole way there.

 

And if he isn't long-term material (because of the way he treats you, etc), then you need to make the final, clear decision to break up with him. It has to be one or the other.

 

2) This new guy you're interested in. Here's the thing - your perspective on him may be a little bit skewed because of your feelings about your rocky relationship with your BF. This is why I advise that you deal with your BF first, and then talk to this other guy later, with a clear head. Nothing good can come from hooking up with him while you're in a relationship, or even hooking up with him right after you get out of one. It's just too much of a mess & disaster waiting to happen.

 

Sorry if it sounds harsh. Just speaking from experience, seriously. One more thing: You are going to keep having these feelings of confusion and being torn until you accept responsibility and either get rid of your BF or tell him what happened.

 

Good luck.

[lerenard]

You are not happy in your current relationship of 4 years - any guy who has ANYTHING in common with you will seem perfect and addicting. Grass is greener, 100%.

If you aren't happy - break up and then do what ever you want - easy as that.

[Longview01]

Does she even need to tell him?

 

Just break up with him, you obviously aren't happy and then he can find someone that won't cheat on him once they get bored.

[Kendahke]

So breaks never work at all then? Just it get our heads straight etc.

 

there is no such thing as a break. You're either together working on/resolving your issues or you're apart. Neglect doesn't make anything thrive. Neglect kills. So don't fool yourself into thinking that taking "a break" means that you'll return to some robust relationship that has all the kinks ironed out. It won't. Whatever you left unfinished/unresolved will be waiting on you in a further state of deterioration.