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Does it always have to be no contact?


Lulu101

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My ex broke up with me 3 months ago after 10 years. We had arguments that we couldn't seem to resolve in a healthy way and we got together so young (18) that we have grown up with each other and in my opinion need to find ourselves and be happy alone.

 

However I would like us to get back together eventually.

 

My ex wants constant contact, tells me he misses me, that he hasn't been and doesn't plan on being with another girl as it would feel like cheating on me. We get on so well together. He is planning to move away for his job. But has made comments about me going with him if things work with us.

 

He still takes me for dinner, texts me every day, compliments me, wants to see me. But I know of I mentioned getting back together he would say no. At times I feel silly wasting my time on someone who doesn't want to be with me but at other times I see where he is coming from and think we are both growing as people being apart.

 

I tried no contact, it felt a bit pointless. I want him in my life and he wants me in his. Can people ever reconcile by just spending time together an letting love happen? If we are meant to be will it not just work out? Or am I too idealistic? So I have to make him miss me? I didn't speak to him for 3 weeks and he tried to contact me a lot. He told me after that it was horrible and is what made up his mind to move away 5€-5 he can't live near me and see me but not be able to talk to me.

 

Is it always the best option? Just today he has text me to arrange a fun weekend of hiking and dinner afterwards. I feel like days like this will remin us both of how happy we make each other and will create memories. Am i crazy to spend time with him?

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I you feel like you are wasting your time...it is because you are. He does not want to get back together.

 

Love doesn't just happen. You lost the love by being together. How is is supposed to show back up?

 

 

Yes, you are crazy to continue to spend time together. Neither of you wants to give up the crutch of the other and finde yourselfs and be alone.

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Depending on what your desire ... best option is relative

 

 

If you like being on the back burner and a great fallback for this man, then it sounds like constant contact is an excellent option for you

 

You've been together for 10 years, and he says he doesn't want to be together...and you think the horns will suddenly sound... I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, he will scream.

 

 

I don't know about you, but I have some self-worth, if someone says they don't want me...someone I truly deeply care about, I go into self-protection mode. This means that I am more important than them, and my feelings become number one... they already said they don't want me so putting them first comes to an end.

 

 

 

Yes it's true, no contact will cause them to miss you, but it's more about YOU and less about them. From the sounds of it, you are now a fallback if things don't workout. (making life comfortable for him) What if he meets someone else, and you're just pining and hoping to have him back...and left in the dust.

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Ok, you if you got together at 18 and it's been 10 years, you're 28 and no longer that young anymore and should be thinking about finding a partner and marrying if marriage is what you want. So 'hanging out' at this age is never the best choice if you want marriage and family.

 

What were you fighting about that you couldn't resolve? Perhaps rather than breaking up, what you need is some couples counseling to learn how to negotiate and 'fight fair' rather than descending into endless bickering which destroys relationships. Or perhaps you are compatible on some levels but ultimately need to break up because you just can't come to a meeting of the minds on how to live your lives.

 

My suggestion is that you suggest some couples counseling with him to decide once and for all whether you can work this out or not. Otherwise you're just dragging this on and wasting time out of habit and being used to a person.

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btw, one caution is that the real issue here may be that he just hasn't met anyone yet that he's really sparking on, and he's keeping you around as a backup plan. But once he does, he could be gone like a shot. So you need to do something about this rather than holding his hand while he gets over you and keeps his eyes peeled for someone new. He may SAY he's not looking for anyone, but if he does meet someone, the game instantly changes.

 

So i'd suggest that you want to explore once and for all whether this can work or not with a counselor to see what unfolds there and whether you can learn to live peacefully without fighting. If he won't explore that with you, then he's not really serious at all about getting back together with you and it's all just talk.

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My take is that he needs you more than you need him. He does not want to commit to you because you have not given him a reason to. You are always available, he can text, call, come over, see, speak and touch you whenever he wants. Essentially why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? By you being there for him you are enabling him to not commit to you.

Its like if I wanted to buy a new Ferrari and the guy says, take it for a spin, in fact keep it at home, drive it around and after a few weeks he asks do I want to buy it? I say no, but can I still drive it around? And he says sure.. take it home and have fun. Why would I buy it if I can enjoy it without the commitment?

There is a wall of some sort with him. I would suggest couples counseling to see what are his fears. Why waste anymore of your time?

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Why not just ask him point blank what's up? I mean he dumped you and now he is still in your life like nothing ever happened. Time to call him on this. Either he not only wants to get back together, but wants a permanent future with you, or you have to drop these games, go nc and start moving on with your life. You can't continue in this limbo. Life is too short for that and time is not on your side. You need to start thinking seriously about yourself and your future, especially if you want a family. You can't waste another year or two or five on him. Starting over is tough, but not as tough as being dropped like a rock 8 months from now because he met someone who sparked his interest.

 

The other posters are right. For as long as you are just accommodating and floating along, he has no incentive to do anything but keep using you until he meets someone else that catches his fancy.

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