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He hit me.. what should I do?


dizz

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My boyfriend and I have been together for one and a half year and we live together. We have a healthy relationship and we're both attached and committed to each other. Sometimes, however, we play around and we wrestle... We used to do it just for fun until my fears became reality and he consciously HIT me during an argument.

 

We were in the car driving home after a night out with friends when the argument started. It got really heated and i know that i was being really harsh to him, that's when he smacked me really hard. At first i couldn't believe it.. but then i warned him not to dare hit me again or i'll call the cops on him, and i hit him right back. He hit me again harder and said that i was a , and a , and other stuff. That's when i couldn't take it anymore and just broke into tears because god knows i have never cheated on him.

 

This was two days ago and we haven't talked since then. He hasn't apologized and neither have I. I am trying to assess this situation as a third person.. I know that i am not the sole victim here because i did hit him back for defense, and i was saying really mean things that triggered his violent behavior. I don't know how much of this is my fault and how much of it is his. Was it my fault?

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You should have called the police.

 

Nothing you said triggered him hitting you. He made a decision on his own to do that. He knows that his hands do not belong on you.

 

This also has nothing to do with fault. Children can't control their behavior and can get away with hiding behind "you made me..." Not an adult. Adults have control, or should have.

 

You need to leave him. He hit you once, then he hit you again harder. You've done nothing to administer harsh consequences, which to him means that he can hit you whenever he wishes and you're not going to do anything about it. It's time to leave because he will hit you again and you may not just get away with tears--you may have a broken jaw, nose, cracked ribs and bruising... or worse.

 

Leave him.

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There should be no violence in a relationship, if you are arguing so much that is it worth carrying it on? I understand you love him but hitting each other and constantly arguing isn't normal for a healthy relationship.

He should not have hit you in the first place however harsh you were. The relationship to me doesn't sound good and things could get incredibly worse in terms of violence! You need to make sure this doesn't keep happening. Try and not call him harsh things to provoke him, if you want to sort things out, then you need to be more calming and understanding with each other.

It's your choice but I personally think for your own safety you should end it before things get worse.

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you are never at fault for physical abuse. Never.

You hitting him back would be my reaction too, (self defense!!) and as you have experienced, a not so clever one since it didn't stop him, on the contrary.

 

This would be deal breaker #1 for me, as it should be and also the last one in that relationship.

I would definitely walk away and never look back.

There is NO excuse, none.

He did it this time and will do it again, and you will always be afraid from now on that he will resort into this kind of abuse.

 

What helps me sometimes when I have doubts about a boundary I want to set for myself, I sometimes think, what would my parents think of this.

Because they love me unconditionally, and so should I.

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First of, don't make excuses for his actions. He hit you, I don't care how angry he was - it does NOT give him any reight to hit you what so ever. You had the right to hit him as you were hitting him back in defense but it doesn't change the fact that he hit you first.

 

Personally, that would be the end of the relationship right there. There is absolutely no excuse for a man to hit a women PERIOD. If it was just a heated argument there are other ways to deal with your frustration then to hit another human being as far as I am concerned. Second, I would call the police n charge him. There are consequences for the actions and those consequence need to be dealt out. If a child hit another child would you not show some kind of consequence for their action? He needs to be taught a lesson that when you hit a women there are reprocussions.

 

I doubt this was your fault, he obviously needs to find a way to deal with his anger if he resorted to hitting you.

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He shouldn't have hit you, and you shouldn't have hit him back. He should also not be calling you names. It seems you added the information about play wrestling at the beginning because you feel that might justify this, but it is completely irrelevant. This was not in the context of playing around.

 

I can't imagine that your relationship was so healthy and this is the first time anything remotely amiss has happened, because it's pretty extreme.

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Also, I don't suggest striking a violent man in retaliation.

 

I agree with this, but would also like to add: it's really not okay to hit someone, period, male or female, retaliation or not. The best thing to do in terms of keeping violence and drama to a minimum is to get away from the person.

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If by some terrible lapse in judgement you end up getting back with him, do expect him to continue hitting you worse and worse and for more and more insignificant reasons, and your relationship to become a physically abusive one. I can put this in writing for you.

That's all I have to say.

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No matter how much I love him, no matter how long I've been with him, even if I had 10 kids with him..if my boyfriend, fiance or husband hit me or even strike or threaten to hit me I would 100% no questions asked no dilemmas break up with him. As hard as it would be to end it..it would be twice as hard to keep on staying in that relationship.

 

And this is coming from a person that lives in a country where breaking up or getting a divorce is a very very big deal. And from a country where violence against women is not that frowned upon. Trust me if he does it now he will always do it. I have seen many abusive relationships it starts off just light by slapping or smacking and then it ALWAYS getts out of control.

 

It doesn't really matter what you said. You could of said the worst thing anybody could say in the whole world, it still does not give him the right to hit you. Even if he was sorry after he cooled down (which he wasn't)..it's not enough. He has made an un reversible mistake and he has to deal with the concequences since he is a grown up.

 

As for you hitting him back I understand you did it in the heat of the moment and as self defense..but how much can an untrained woman really protect herself from a man? It isn't a big deal that you hit him back, since he hit you first..but you kind of legitimized his action. Because if you were to confront him he would say you hit me also. And if you look at it from that perspective he can say I did it in the heat of the moment and you did it in the heat of the moment, so I don't reason your action as a self defense and I don't think you should have done it just like he shouldn't have done it.

 

Definetly JUST END IT. And in the future choose your words and actions more wisely not so you don't get hit but so you don't get hurt.

 

They have a saying in my country: "A word can hurt more than a bullet".

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And one more thing. I had a friend whose boyfriend hit her whenever they would fight because his excuse was that: she says very harsh things and doesn't know when to quit, so she broke up with him for about 6months and decided she can't live without him and went back to him.

 

The first 4months were great. After that it all started again. Her words and his abusive behaviour.

 

I have noticed it's very hard for these people to quit their abusive behavior. At least with her he never could.

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We were in the car driving home after a night out with friends when the argument started. It got really heated and i know that i was being really harsh to him, that's when he smacked me really hard. At first i couldn't believe it.. but then i warned him not to dare hit me again or i'll call the cops on him, and i hit him right back. He hit me again harder and said that i was a , and a , and other stuff.

 

This guy is abusive. Run!

 

And TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW of his behavior. Abusers rely on their victims staying silent. Telling your family and friends will ensure you have support and people to watch out for you. Telling mutual friends brings his duplicitous nature to the forefront.

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To tell you the truth..I would never ever feel safe sleeping in the same room with him..or sharing the same bed. What if something comes up in the middle of the night and he getts ticked off and just smackes you?

 

How can you share your life with someone whom you're scared of all the time? That's not a life..that's more like a prison. A life-long sentance.

 

And also break up now cause the more time you take to break up with him the higher the risk of him taking big meassures not to let you do it.

 

I have heard of times when a woman divorced a man because of his abusive behavior he sent someone after her to terrorize or even kill her. I'm sorry I'm saying this. The sooner you end it the less you both loose.

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I had told my boyfriend in the beginning that no matter what I should say or do to you, if you ever hit me I will automatically end it. Given that there are a lot of people I know in my country that I have heard are in abusive relationships.
I told my now ex bf that as well too. He never even dare get in my face and we broke up for different reasons, but at least not for abuse nor even cheating.

 

Kaltina just like you, in my native country (in South American), there is a some of this machismo society in where everything a man feels verbally challenged or a woman where to not want to be with him anymore, they suddenly feel as if it were an attack to their male pride and get violent with the woman. She can still filed for divorce and have him arrested too but it's less controlled than in Western countries.

 

For what I've known, the spanish speaking men seem to have this sudden urge of control. For instance, they can go directly towards hitting a woman if she were to only say bad words or verbally challenge him during an argument. It's still a stupid excuse to hit a woman. My father has hit my mother a bunch of times in the past just because she got very verbally confrontational and would called him names. Coming from a spanish culture, it took him a long while to figure out it was never ok and how this has impacted me to the point I've gotten strict over the ''you will never hit me'' rule to any potential bf I get in the future. I don't care what a woman says to you or even if she screams at you (or even calls the man gay and tells him to take a pee on his grandmother's grave), there is no excuse to hit if not in true self-defense purpose.

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