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What do i do?


jennie618

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I've been seeing a guy for 4 months in total, after about 6 weeks he asked if we could get together officially as bf / gf, i was very happy & agreed.

He is a wonderful man, treats me like a princess, makes time for me, treats me to days out and meals, compliments me. He's also handsome & successful & has everything on paper a girl would want.

He's introduced me to all his friends but not his family which I'm not worried about as all his previous relationships it has taken man months to do so.

I'm divorced with a 2 year old daughter, hes great around her and makes her laugh, he makes sure our time together accommodates her well (eg. He took us both to a childrens theme park for xmas, is happy to sit through childrens films at the cinema)

I have an abusive ex who i still have contact with due to my daughter, sometimes his words and actions towards me drive me to tears, my new man comforts me and understands its not my fault.

 

So whats my problem? Well after 3 months i told him i love him and didnt get it back, he said he wasnt ready to say it.

A month later i spoke to him and he said he feels pressured & hasnt felt comfortable since i told him ily because he hates the imbalance it causes, he feels pushed into a corner and under pressure to return the words, he said he wants to give me as good as hes getting and feels immensely guilty, he also cant honestly guarantee he will ever say it but remains hopeful, but shouldnt he know by now???

 

Now this guy doesnt fall quickly, in the past its taken him 7 months to say those words, but i need to hear them? Is he leading me on? Did i say it too soon and by making him feel this way wreck and chances of a future?

We're still together but i think he will end it soon because of this...

 

What do i do?

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Saying ILU just three months in for a lot of people would be way too fast. You are not past the infatuation stage yet, not even fully knowing each other at that point really. There is still a lot of evaluating going on.

 

Anyway, what you can do is tell him that you said it because that's what felt right to you. However, you understand that people never move at the same speed or rate about these things. So it's OK for him to say that when and if he feels it's right for him. It's not a t*t (apparently also a bad word...lol) for tat kind of a thing and he should never feel pressured about it.

 

Of course, only tell him that if you mean it.

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Yes --- you said it way too soon. And now he feels pressured --- so, unles you can find a way of backing off and meaning it, he will likely find a reason to

leave soon. You cannot take back the expectations you placed on him/the relationship.

 

He isn't using you or leading you on. But as you come with a child and an ex, he now looks at the whole package and your expectations.

An "instant" family --- and where this is all going.

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In the recent chat i said " You should know by now whether you love me or not??"

I guessed i was wrong & that could only have made him feel worse, so the day after i said that was only me offering a way out (which gladly he hasn't taken)

He said he won't let it drag on forever because he knows hearing those words is important to me, but i cant help thinking he's going to bail because without feeling comfortable he's not going to fall for me right?

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Yeah --- you have pushed much too hard.

Love does not develop on your time table --- except for you.

 

People don't "fall" for each other --- as I mentioned, you are not just a woman he is dating. You are a woman with a child and an ex in the picture.

There is a lot for him to consider, beyond his feelings.

 

As we age, there is much to be contemplated in being in a relationship.

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In the recent chat i said " You should know by now whether you love me or not??"

I guessed i was wrong & that could only have made him feel worse, so the day after i said that was only me offering a way out (which gladly he hasn't taken)

He said he won't let it drag on forever because he knows hearing those words is important to me, but i cant help thinking he's going to bail because without feeling comfortable he's not going to fall for me right?

 

Wow....that was uncalled for and yes, tremendous pressure on him and unrealistic expectations on your part.

 

Whether he dumps you or not, you need to work on yourself and adjust your expectations to something more reasonable than demanding ILU's from someone who has barely known you for a few months. It's all fine that you feel things that fast and intensely, but it's probably what landed you with the abusive ex - the rush rush rush all on a high, little time actually getting to know who you are really dealing with. Food for thought here. A less emotionally driven person just doesn't move that fast and doesn't make commitments and decisions that fast.

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I don't think that love happens on a certain time table. I think you can say that with honesty in a relatively short period of time. It happens. Emotions are involuntary and so many times people feel like they have some set standard by society to feel a certain way. Maybe that's just the dreamer in me... The fact that he was honest enough to not say it back says that he has respect enough for you to not say it until he really means it and that is very commendable. You said what you did out of a combination of hurt/frustration, I'm sure and with that will have consequences. You just have to take his cue now and back down a bit and be patient and that will let him know that you respect his boundaries at the moment and that will speak to him. Either way, you'll know soon the direction he wants to go. Better now than later. chin up

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There is a huge subtext behind saying 'I love you...' to someone you've been dating. It carries a lot of expectations with it, and many people will not say those words until they are sure that the relationship is really serious and going somewhere permanent. They may be excited about you, have strong feelings about you, but know as adults they haven't known you long enough to make declarations that they might regret later if they get to know you better and it just isn't working out.

 

At 4 months, that is really too early to tell where it is going, and many people don't really make that choice to consider it a serious relationship until it hits the 18 months to 2 year mark. True and lasting love isn't about just a feeling, it is about commitments, promises to be together, future plans etc. So he is not ready to declare that yet because he hasn't know you long enough to make that judgment. So it might well go somewhere, but it might well not. He's being cautious and not rushing things to give you a promise he is not sure he can fulfill.

 

So it's not just an expression of a feeling for a lot of people, they take it as an expectation of INTENTIONS as well, and right now he is probably enjoying dating you, but not ready to declare a big commitment or serious intent at this point, because he is not sure that he knows you well enough to make that commitment.

 

Many parents also don't introduce their children to their dates until they are sure the relationship is serious and going somewhere. They don't want their children to get attached to partners when it is too early to tell that the relationship is going to be permanent or not. So my suggestion is that you don't involve your daughter so intimately with him until he is able to say he is willing to make a more permanent commitment. If he is not ready to say he loves you yet, then you probably shouldn't be having your daughter get attached to him in case he gets further into it and decides the relationship doesn't have what it takes for him to get more serious and consider engagement.

 

But I would not pressure him at all at this point. Especially considering you have a child, he is being cautious and not elevating your expectations too early in the game before both of you REALLY know each other rather than just having infatuated 'love' feelings at this point.

 

So many women wail, 'but he said he loved me, how can he leave if he loved me?' after a breakup, like saying those words is a firm commitment or guaranteed EXPECTATION that he'll stick around forever. Most men are very aware of that expectation that many women have, and the more mature/decent guys will be very careful about when they say those words because they don't want those words taken as a promise or an expectation when they're not making one.

 

Saying those words (or expecting them) REALLY ratchets up the pressure/expectation in a relationship, and they know it. And many men don't say those words until they're actually proposing to a woman, because they don't want those words thrown back in their faces if it doesn't work out with the implication that they led the woman by saying them. They may have strong feelings for a person early in the relationship, but that is not the same thing as a commitment, and they don't want to ratchet up the pressure for a commitment when they're not ready to make one yet.

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in my previous relationship he was quick to say ILY (about after 2 months), and I said it back, thinking I had found my soulmate.

After 3 months we had our first big argument (I was being too 'loose' with his group of friends: I was not, I was showing mere interest) where he said I would end up like my father (alcoholic) because I had 5 glasses of wine on a summerparty here in town, he said I was a b*tch, I was unstable etc.. reflections of his own life frankly. Needless to say, he said those things after 3 months (while you don't even know a person all that well) you can only guess the filth that came out of his mouth after a year, and after 2 and 3.

He dragged me into a world of pain.

 

Never again will I say or ask somebody if they 'love' me after that short period of time. For me, said early, it's like a way in to do stuff you would normally not excuse from somebody else you have known for two to three months.

 

I am now in a relationship for 7-8 months and the ILY's that have been said are very véry rare. And even if it's being said, it's still put out there very still and shy and a bit awkward at times (which now I find cute )

 

To me this feels a lot more natural than my other relationships, where it came out of the blue and very early on, and my gut always felt it was fake.

How could it not be.

You like each other for months, yes, but you grow to love each other.

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There is a huge subtext behind saying 'I love you...' to someone you've been dating. It carries a lot of expectations with it, and many people will not say those words until they are sure that the relationship is really serious and going somewhere permanent. They may be excited about you, have strong feelings about you, but know as adults they haven't known you long enough to make declarations that they might regret later if they get to know you better and it just isn't working out.

 

At 4 months, that is really too early to tell where it is going, and many people don't really make that choice to consider it a serious relationship until it hits the 18 months to 2 year mark.

 

This is a fair point.

 

I don't have a lot of experiences with relationships. Only have 2 under my belt, but after three or fourth months saying "I love you" is reasonable. Especially of you spend a lot of time together each week (4+ days). Now it might take longer to get to the same level of familiarity if you see each other once a week or once every two weeks.

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