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I think I'm being too hard on myself. Can someone help?


iDrum

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My 2 year relationship ended with my gf about a month ago. She was no longer happy. I respected her wishes and let her go.

 

I assume in the relationship world, 1 month after BU is STILL a fresh cut.

 

I'm sitting her trying to push myself pass the feelings, but all it's doing is raising my anxiety. I don't know exactly how to grieve. Yesterday while sitting and watching TV, it finally got to me. I broke down crying, and I take no shame in that. I can't remember that last time I did.

 

Exactly how do I grieve without her words of "I don't love you anymore" running through my mind 24/7?

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One month is so fresh... Intrusive thoughts, daydreams, nightmares, hypersensitivity. Realize you have just suffered an emotional trauma and be patient and good to yourself. I know the words ring in your ears. It's hard to forget. Let yourself feel, though. It's scary and depressing, but it's necessary to acknowledge your feelings right now. Don't torture yourself with old pictures or looking at her Facebook. You need personal time to tend to your wounds. This place has been a wonderful resource because in times like this just knowing you're not alone means the world. I've called my drone like actions "auto pilot" since my entire routine was thrown off by my breakup. Being functional is important even if you're just going through the motions right now. Ride these feelings out for awhile and know that there will be waves rather than an instant solution to your pain. When you're having a hard time, maybe journal it or go for a walk or go to the gym. Hop on here into the forums and try to help others. That helps a lot, too! Embrace yourself right now and do things for yourself. We will all get through this together. Btw - crying is a good release so just let it happen. Hugs to you!

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You focus on other things. You have to retrain your mind away from those thoughts. Which makes perfect sense when you really think about it... all that time that you would have thought of the other person in the back of your mind over the time you were together is now replaced with that one resounding question. It seems like it occupies a bigger part of your mind because there are no real answers to make it go away.

 

So... you have to focus on other things. You have to do so willfully, because it doesn't just happen right away. You'll fail a lot at first, but that's OK. Eventually, you'll get it.

 

I picked a thing to focus on... and detailed it in my mind, like I was drawing it on paper. Every time I caught myself running in those same circles of "Why????" - I flipped a page and started "drawing" in my mind. Focusing on that until my mind was clear. Then got up and did something. Working out, cooking, whatever.

 

Mindfulness practice helps, too. That just means focusing on whatever you are doing and not letting your mind wander. You're washing the dishes: you're thinking about washing the dishes. (It's harder than it sounds, but effective.)

 

You can still think about her, and your feelings and hash it out, write it down, whatever. Just don't let it overwhelm everything else.

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I wrote out countless legal pads of how I was feeling, what I would say if he ever called.

And then burned them.

 

And did this as often as necessary.

After the writing, I would feel purged --- and then get up and DO something.

Go for a walk/bike ride, empty the dishwasher -- laundry or grocery shopping.

 

Eventually, the need to write or have anything to say became less frequent --- until I reached the place where I wasn't thinking/wondering about him.

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